Archived threads in /adv/ - Advice - 1713. page
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Help me out with a REALLY tough situation, /adv/. I'm 31, and my wife is 30. We're both doctors, doing alright. We're not rich because we have lots of student debt, but we're managing. Our relationship is GREAT.
Here's the thing. In our 11 years together, we've almost never discussed children. In fact, it's only really come up fairly recently... it's obvious my wife's biological clock is ticking. She says she wants to have a kid. It's not the most important thing to her, but she'd be "heartbroken" if it doesn't happen.
Unfortunately, I'm just not father material. I'm brilliant, fit, charismatic, and make a fair amount of money, but I fucking HATE children. I never, ever want to care for a child. We're both overworked and focused on our careers. We're also both recovered drug addicts, so I doubt both of our ability to be decent parents (I quit hard drugs but am an active pothead and never intend to stop). We also both have long family histories of mental illnesses, and we've both had extremely fucked-up childhoods... I still have severe baggage about kids in general. We're also both on long-term antidepressants.
What do I do? Just go along with it and have a kid? Plant my foot down now? Be ambiguous about my decision? She says she'd consider leaving me if I don't agree to a kid. I personally would also strongly consider divorce if she insists. Unfortunately, I told my mother-in-law about this... she absolutely flipped out at me, screamed at me over the phone, told me that I should divorce my wife, and told me that I violated my marriage vows. Holy shit.
Do bumps still work? Trying once.
>>16766229
It's a big decision and not for everyone, but if everything is right with your wife and you, I'd consider it. Being a parent changes you, not for the good or bad, but your priorities change.
Maybe try becoming a foster parent of an older child or a mentor. It's easier to disengage from that sort of relationship if you can't handle it.
I need some help. I want to become a true alpha male and be manly in general. I go to the gym, try to wear nice clothes, stand up straight, and these sorts of things, but i feel very fake. Also i suck at talking to people, most of the time they are predictable and boring, and i get this mixture of disinterest and lack of subjects to talk about. It pains me to small talk to people and i don't know what to do about it. I have good body language too, but i find it hard to make eye contact because that, to me, usually implies that i'm going to say something, and that goes back to the problem.
what do i do?
...you have really bizarre priorities if you care about personifying some kind of alpha male bullshit.
Why not just be yourself and work on goals that at least make some sense/
>>16766276
Because i don't want to be weak and lie to myself that i am being the best that i can. I want to be more manly and powerful.
Fake it til you make it.
I tied a noose and stared at it for awhile. It's still hanging there and I'm contemplating whether or not I should do it.
Don't do it. Ending your life is pointless, tragic and terrible.
You could just see a psychiatrist instead. Things can improve -- but you need treatment to even see that, sometimes.
So just get the treatment you need and don't pointlessly commit suicide, pl0x.
How to find a mental health provider: http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/mental-illness/in-depth/mental-health-providers/art-20045530
How to find a therapist: http://www.webmd.com/anxiety-panic/guide/how-to-find-therapist
Dealing with suicidal thoughts: http://www.helpguide.org/articles/suicide-prevention/suicide-help-dealing-with-your-suicidal-thoughts-and-feelings.htm
A list of suicide hotlines by country (for fuck's sake, call one): http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html
>>16766178
>>16766178
thing is I don't see any reason to go on living, my grades in college are terrible, my gf despises and uses me, i'm lonely, my room is such a mess that it smells and there are bugs everywhere.
I'm just an all around horrible person too.
I don't think those things would save me...
>>16766183
Why don't you sell all your shit and travel the world. Or try psychedelic drugs. If you haven't tried all the options then why kill yourself. You might find happiness and peace somewhere else. If you've tried it all, seen the entire world and still feel like this you can always kill yourself later. But not before you've tried every option first
Halp. I faked sick the last two days and my girlfriend is pissed I didn't message her all day to tell her I stayed home. All I did was play video games and smoke weed and got some chores done. She keeps making it a big issue that I don't call her when I take days off, even if they're last moment. She gets home and first thing is to tell me I hurt her.
I tell her she's controlling me on leash and she tells me this is normal and I'm being a stubborn child.
You sound like a dick and you're lucky your gf hasn't dumped you yet.
Talk to your fucking girlfriend, or another guy will.
This time next year you'll be complaining about how much you miss her.
>>16766028
Maybe my gf's the dick? She doesn't care about what my job is doing to me after I told her I did this from stress. She just cares that I'm not doing what she asked me to do.
It sounds so cliche and autistic, but I don't think I have genuinely felt happy in a while.
I always feel like I'm bullshitting my emotions when I'm around people, even really close friends. I even started going to therapy and I still can't open up to my therapist. It just feels wrong for me, but at the same time I feel like a husk of a human being. Like I'm trying to hide my true self.
What do?
Do you ever tell people that? Like exactly what you wrote, the whole contents of your post right there?
>>16766039
Nope. Ill try but then pussy out and blame myself for being off for being sleep deprived or overloaded with school. It sounds reasonable since I'm a CS major at a competitive school, but the reality is I spend most of my time playing games and then study a little bit before an exam or a homework assignment and end up doing well.
>>16766079
...For being off because of sleep deprivation or being overloaded from school*
>Girlfriend tends to want to be left alone when she's in a bad mood about something
>Whenever this happens I feel crazy anxious because I assume she's mad at me about something (even though she usually isn't)
What do I do about this?
>>16765776
Get a hobby
>>16765789
My hobbies don't take my mind off it.
I just wish she'd communicate what's going on with me better. Sometimes she'll act like somethings off/she's annoyed by me talking to her, then she'll just randomly say "can you just leave me alone" and whenever I ask why or what's going on she'll either ignore me or keep saying "just leave me alone".
>>16765810
She's probably just mad that Jamal came inside her again after she said not to.
Is there an option to "ignore" someone on Facebook without actually blocking them? One of my friends removed me for no apparent reason so I sent her a friend request. When I go back to her page, I only have the option of messaging her now. There isn't a button to cancel or send a friend request. pic unrelated
unfollow
>>16765521
She took me off of her friends list completely.
>>16765498
in your security settings should be something that would help you with that.
To lazy to look into it for you because normiebook is fucking stupid.
What should I do if I hear a QT3.14 I have a crush on doesn't like to date and would rather focus on grades
Tell her a worry-free casual-sex-only relationship is fine too.
I told this to a girl I liked the other day because I was too nervous to ask her out.
I'm probably gonna ask her out soon anyway.
>>16765451
Tell her you can teach her a lot of things that she won't find in her books.
Seriously though, she told you this or are the just gossip?
Hey /adv/ Would it be smart to get a practice girlfriend? i have a lot of 4-5/10 that like me, i've only had one kiss before and i when maybe i find someone that i really like i dont want to fuck it up.
if i did how would i keep it low profile, because i really dont want anyone to know that im dating some one just for practice and i dont want to hurt her feelings either.
what do?
>>16765364
If you're hiding your 'practice girlfriend' then you're not really practising, are you? The point is to get the full girlfriend experience, and you can't get that if you've hidden the existence of your relationship.
>>16765369
good point.
>>16765364
no. if you dont genuinely like someone, dont date them. sure you dont want to fuck it up with someone good, but wouldnt you rather all your first big romantic experiences to be with someone you actually like?
that being siad, how do you expect to get a girl you actually like if you dont like 4s or 5s? the biggest issue here (other than the fact that you're just using people) is that you seem to think there is a manic pixie girl out there who's at least a 7 that will somehow fall in love with you, when only 4s or 5s seem to care at all.
>how would i keep it low profile
this is a stupid question. how would you hide it? by not doing anything in public. but i doubt your gf would want that. fat and ugly girls love to 'glomp' you in public to show off how happy they are that they can get a guy too. telling any girl you want to keep it a secret will just make them out you to everyone.
>i dont want to hurt her feelings
than dont date her
/adv/ I'm sure you guys get tons of posts like these but this is the only place I can think of to ask for help. Sorry.
Greentext first, not sure if it will help much.
>Have difficulty hearing people speak, stutter quite a bit
>Bullied throughout elementary and middle school, seen as "that weirdo over there" in high school
>Get called gay (I'm not) because I would used to cry when bullied
>Get called a little girl by girls
>Only ever really had about 2 friends but still was not invited to anything
>Cry to mother, would say that everybody hates me, says that I'm exaggerating and that it will pass
>Was cutting myself for a short time during middle school, mom finds out, freaks out and put me on meds
>High School, the time when most kids are starting to date each other I would overhear the girls talking about how gross I was
>Zero attention asides from this very fat girl I was repulsed by (feel awful for ignoring her now)
>over the years all this gets internalized, depression, escapism, and video-game addiction ensue
>Graduate High School, over the summer I outright refuse to continue taking meds and start getting fit for the first time
>Pretty much never leave home except for some classes at the local community college so stress level is much lower
>After about 2-3 years of exercise I lose much weight, visible abs, look much better overall
>Notice that women are starting to look at me, in fact I've been approached several times.
>Get filled with anxiety and dread as they try to talk to me, I sweat, my brain shuts down and I stutter like crazy.
>Realize that if some women find me attractive, I should be meeting them now.
>However the thought of approaching the opposite sex is terrifying
>The thought of me ever having a sexual relationship feels utterly ridiculous
>Have no clue how to even talk to women, zero past experiences to take reference from
I think that deep down I'm terrified of women, that they are going to judge me and toss me aside, that I'm just not meant to be around them. I know that this feeling is irrational but the anxiety and fear I get when thinking about doing something is overwhelming. It would seem that after all that time I spent getting fit didn't do anything in making me any more mature, Im still too submissive, insecure, and oversensitive. I still feel like the reject in the corner from highschool. I don't even think I deserve to ever have a relationship, or even a friend... I've always felt that I was a burden to others, even from a young age. I hate this, I want anything but this, I want to know what a hug is like, I want to make people happy, the thought of me dying and no one giving a crap makes me sick. I want to finally be able to take action, to do something, but I dont know where to even start and keep hoping for the easy way out.
>>16765347
got any pics? preferrably progress pics, before and after type things, but even just a pic of you now would help. i ask because its easier to tailor this sort of thing to how a person looks, as that is one of the main topics of discussion and also to check out progres s(Recently started goign to gym myself. always been a skinny qt but now i want to be a big qt)
all that being said, what you're going through is rather normal. its not life destroying so dont think that.
stop right now and out loud ask yourself 'Would I like to date a nice girl?'
think about it. the possibilities. what it entails. the good and the bad. not just the sweet kisses and sex, but also the arguments and the fights. then answer yourself out loud.
if the answer is No, then why are you worried? is it because the rest of the world is dating? its not as uncommon as you might think to not date. I've been single for 3 years (Though i admittedly partake in sex quite a bit to compensate)
but if YES, the best advice we can give is the following
1) approach girls anyway (practice makes perfect, but going back to the pics, we can help you figure out what approach works for you)
2) realize that no rejection lasts more than 10 minutes. as soon as you are shot down or something goes wrong, you simply leave. this isnt' highschool where everyhone knows each other and talks. the girls you (can) approach now dont know you, your friends, etc. and even if they did they'd stop caring about 10 minutes after you are gone because they have their own lives to live.
keep in mind, its not really 'rejection' anymore etiher. its all about matching. if you arent a match, its no big deal. you are not shameful because you like oranges, even though i find apples to be far superior.
I´m a woman. Why are we so terrifying to you? We are all human beings, no?
You´ve been bullied so much that you are on defensive mode all the time. You need to let your guard down and trust that you are the sensitive, interesting guy that we can all tell you are through your post.
Hi /adv/
>loving my ex but he is an asshole.
>my current boyfriend is perfect but I don't really love him.
What should I do?
>>16765271
Go back to the asshole ex.
You'll just break the nice guy's heart even more if you keep dragging him along until you realize you can't pretend anymore.
I did the same to my gf's, I broke a lot of hearts and I'm still loving my drug addict ex-gf. Don't be me
>>16765271
get a new bf that is loving and you'll love him. Also why are you such a whore that you'd be with someone whom you don't love. Fucking hate dickloving whores
>>16765271
break up with your boyfriend if you dont have any real feelings. love can be a strong word but contextually it sounds like you just dont really feel any legitimate or worthwhile romance with him. no point in dating someone you dont actually get that from and its unfair to him if the thinks there is.
How do you deal with never being able to be taken seriously due to your appearance?
How do you deal with having people constantly pointing out how ugly you are on a daily basis?
How do you deal with going though the efforts to learn new talents, join new hobbies and do all that "better yourself" shit only find it all pointless because at the end of the day you're disgusting to the eye?
How do you deal with knowing that some people don't even acknowledge you because of how ugly you are?
How do you deal with falling for the "workout, it'll help" meme when it did absolutely nothing at all?
How do you deal with being called a 14 year old when you're 21, 5'11" (Yeah, I know it's not that tall) and you have a deep voice?
How do you deal with girls STILL laughing at you and calling you ugly when you're only just trying to talk to them?
How do you deal with being "an entitled fuck" when even the ugliest of girls put you down the same way because you are just that undesirable?
How do you deal with being ugly?
For the majority of my life I couldn't care less about relationships, I mean, the thought of them were nice but I was pretty much preoccupied with school, playing piano, drawing and skating with friends. Now that I'm 21 I'd like to be in a relationship, only problem is I'm fucking ugly. What do I even do? Should I even try?
>How do you deal with falling for the "workout, it'll help" meme when it did absolutely nothing at all?
You didn't lift hard enough.
>>16765231
oh look this thread again. lets respond with real advice even though OP will never take it.
>>16765241
What advice can you give? I've pretty much done everything I could do.
So let's say you're waiting for the class to start with your classmates, but you don't know anyone, because you're new to this university. Everyone is talking to each other, and you're standing nearby, looking at the floor/wall/ceiling.
Is it inappropriate to do so? How does a normal human being behave when they're in a situation like this? Others have told me that I should look at my classmates, but wouldn't that come off as staring, and therefore be considered rude?
just make small talk you fucking autist
I am same so will follow. I honestly don't give a fuck and hate small talk. People are boring and full of themselves and I don't have the energy to fuel that. It does make me feel lonely in the long term, though.
>>16765112
hint: you do give a lot of fucks
>join church religious group with friend because I have none and its something to do maybe meet a girl or something
>friend today asks me if I raised my hand to be saved during one of the services
>legitimately do not remember I was barred out and high as fuck on opiates
>say idk maybe what does that mean
>apparently it means you are indoctrinated unwittingly into the cult
>wants me to go knocking on doors tonight to see if people want to go to the service or some shit
Idk what the hell I signed myself up for, on one hand it could be good by meeting new people and friends and such, on the other I might be doing a lot of monotonous work I could really give a shit less about. I can only go out on twice a week because the drugs I have to take make me real sick for most of the week. What do?
>>16765023
>it could be good by meeting new people and friends and such,
You are not going to make friends by knocking on people's doors proselytizing. It is not a popular way to introduce yourself. Frankly surprised you don't realize this.
Join a less culty church, like a Methodist or baptist church. If ur only in it to meet girls that are relatively sane then that's the place to go. You won't be forced to knock on doors. Most bap or meth churches are pretty casual these days
>>16765036
No I mean like within the church community, I know those people wont be my friends
This is gonna be a talk with an imaginary psychologist, so it'll be a little long read.
>pic unrelated, i just like nice butts
I'm under stress. I'm constantly worrying about myself, future, and where is my life heading.
Why exactly?
First thing that comes to my mind - I lack self-discipline, as in forcing myself to do something I don't enjoy. I was never good at doing stuff I didn't feel joy in, but it's gotten worse and worse over last few months - I'm smoking weed and railing speed every other weekend and that's basically my reason of living. I just want to get high and enjoy the feeling.
I hate real life.
But let me give you a little background on me.
I'm an eighteen years old male, living in a second-world country, studying electroengineering. Used to be the best student in primary and high school, now the major drug use has taken it's toll - brain fog and lack of motivation make me lethargic and apathetic all the time.
I haven't had a girlfriend for like half a year, and it's because I intentionally avoid girls. I can't get my mind off my ex-gf, and I lost several high-quality girls because they realized it, so I stopped chasing until I get better.
My ex was the girl I loved to pieces, and I lost her to heroin. I haven't spoken to her for almost a year now.
>post too long, continued in comments
>>16764886
>snap back to reality
I'm worried because my friends from math competitions from primary school are going on some high-end colleges right now, getting offers from UK and USA colleges to come and study. And I'm still here in ****** smoking weed because it's the only thing I enjoy.
I used to enjoy doing math, programming, learning stuff... Now the only way I can feel something is by smoking a blunt or railing a line or taking a pill. I'm even thinking about doing heroin since it's relatively cheap and it's one of the strongest opiates out there - but I'm aware of dangers so I most likely will never do it.
I would like to clear this fog, to cure this pain that holds me like a chain every single day, I would like to get back on track to make something out of myself while it's still not too late...
What is the way?
Since I don't plan on developing any self-discipline (it's not that I didn't try, I just suck at it), one of the possible ways would be to make productivity pleasurable. But how the fuck can I make those dreaded activities, such as learning about principles of UPS-es, pleasurable? I never felt pleasure from studying. I don't want to. I don't want to... I don't want to do anything.... I just want to rail a line and die.....
...but when I rail a line, I don't even want to die, I want to live - I feel on the top of the world, like all my problems disappear and I'm an other person completely...
Fuck. This feels like a cage. I don't want to see a psychologist, since I most probably possess the power in my brain to fix it all for myself, but I'm a lazy bitch who just whines because he doesn't want to do anything about his life.
>but anon you have so much potential and you owe yourself to make your life better
FUCK YOU.
>>16764887
Anyways, /adv/, what would you do in my situation?
Since I don't want to do anything in life, the most obvious answer would be not to do anything in life. That easy.
But I'm terrified of real life. Whenever I have to go out and tangle with the system (seek personal documents, get an ID, get a driver's licence) I go through a traumatic, stressful experience...
If any of my stupid druggie friends actually got me some strong benzos I wouldn't be alive by now. But no, all they can get is those fucking 1,5mg Lexaurins. I would need to take 3 packages to get anywhere near the lethal dose.
>>16764894
first of all, stay the fuck away from heroin.
Second of all, if you've lost your joie de vivre then you need to get the fuck out of your current circumstances and make a change. You're unhappy because you don't want to do your degree anymore and you're unhappy because your friends all still want to do it and are being successful at it. Why do you feel like you have to do the same thing that everyone else is doing? Go out into the world and find your real passion, make a change - go travel for awhile, meet new and interesting people, change your perspective on what you want out of life. Drugs are a shitty substitute for a life well-lived.
>terrified
I would be so much more terrified of rotting away in my comfort zone if I were you. You're going to have to grow some balls and do these things and tell your sense of discomfort to fuck off. I get that this shit is hard, hell I struggle with it too. But it's got to be done, because even if you don't realize it, this is a life-and-death struggle you're in.
