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Big question /adv/.
I'm engaged to a wonderful guy who has been there with me for every up and down. Even through my big application to med school. We've lived together for over two years now and the wedding is planned in 7 months. My issue? Over the four years we've been dating, he has gained about 80 pounds, the last 60 in the past year for some reason. He is right in the middle of the overweight BMI, but hasn't hit obese yet. I started bringing up eating healthier, under the guise of a female thing, and me being concerned about my weight. No change in his diet but I now love celery and PB. I started bringing up exercise. I now bike a mile a day, but no change in him. Five months ago, I came clean and told him his weight was starting to make me uncomfortable. Well, now I'm the bad person.
Truth be told, yes, he is starting to feel unattractive because of his weight gain. On the other hand, every person in his family has a history of DM and HTN, the leading cause of renal failure.
So, TL;DR
Do I keep persisting about his weight or do I suck it up and accept him for the loveable bear that he is?
Even if I did keep persisting, is there anyway to get him to change?
I love you, N
The way I see it, you've really done all you can. You've been subtle about it, and you've been upfront about it in a tactful way. Now you can either accept it or break things off if you can't handle his weight, because if he doesn't lose weight now, he sure as hell won't after the wedding. Maybe give him one last chance and tell him you're seriously not okay with the weight and you might have to break things off if he doesn't lose it? That might cause resentment however
Uh, neither. You postpone the wedding and immediately seek couple's counseling as the final attempt to get through to him.
You are absolutely not a bad person for saying "You've changed in such a way that isn't attractive to me." Obviously you're attracted to the WAY someone is and not simply their identity as a human being. If the way a person looks and behaves changes then so do the circumstances of your attraction.
But you also don't nag forever. You ask for change one time. You then give that person a fair opportunity to consider, decide and try. You even help them if they do decide to change. But that's it. That's your one shot. If they don't want to change or even want to consider changing, asking again won't make a difference. It'll only be a nag. Instead you accept this person for the decisions which they've made and make up your own mind about them as a result.
If he's unwilling to change when you ask him and unwilling to change when a counselor explains it (or if he doesn't want to talk to a professional at all) then you walk the fuck away. Game over. This is not a debatable conclusion here unless you actually hate yourself and want a lifetime of misery.
Either way, wedding is on hold until there's a decision to change and evidence for following through on that. Absolutely do not keep the 7 month timetable. That's not feasible.
>>16550133
Well, that would also be one hell of an empty threat. I mean, I love him. Honestly, if he became paralyzed tomorrow I wouldn't leave the guy, even if it meant helping him to the damn toilet three times a day. I don't want to reach an ultimatum, is there any other way?
f am
So I'm talking to this girl I met on tinder. We have great communication and everything is great. We are going on a date this coming Saturday.
However, there's something going wrong I feel. We had our first disagreement last night. She struggles with anxiety attacks and I playfully nagged her until it pissed her off and she said enough. I backed off and then we got on other convos. However later that night something similar happened where we had another disagreement and she starts going on how we "aren't similar people" and how there's a "lack of maturity" with me. She said that these things may make us stronger in the future as they may compliment our personality types, but she threw that out there. She also started sounding very bleak over text and not that interested/annoyed.
Come later today she starts talking about this girl's ass and how she wants to get the nerve to talk to her because its her big crush. I ask her why she's telling me this (she's bi) and she tells me we are not dating. Well of course we aren't, but she's also expressed how much she liked me over this past week multiple times and how she can't wait to see me. Fast forward a few hours and again she's telling me about this guy and is putting crying emotes and saying "ugh".
What's going on f am. Am I being tested? I don't get it. It's starting to make me a little upset.
Another thing I'm gonna throw out is that she talks about her Ex's. A lot. She says that they abused her and one raped her and all this but she also just flat out talks about them a lot. I sort of hinted at it last night when she got upset at me that I really don't like hearing about them all the time.
>>16550013
M8, that's way too serious for tinder. Bail.
>>16550013
You haven't even gone on a date yet and you're already pumping the brakes. Just cancel politely and don't talk to her anymore. Tell her you've thought about it and you just don't believe you're compatible. Don't say you're not sure, don't leave any room for her to read between the lines, just break it off now, with empathy and kindness and let that be that.
Femanon with anxiety here, yes we all deserve love blah blah but if someone is completely spilling the anxiety beans this early to someone else who isn't equipped to really handle that, it's not going to work.
>>16550037
How do you deal with it?
Borderline disorder, how do you deal with it?
I find myself getting so so upset about things that literally don't mean anything.
Want to be one of my pets?
I've heard I should get along swell with borderlines
test
Use cognitive behaviour therapy to (somewhat) control your fear of rejection and abandonment, which is the core of borderline
if small things are meaningful to you, then so be it
don't deny it, don't deny yourself, but be aware of the subsequent thoughts and behaviours which can damage your relationships with others
So I just had an appt with a new counselor and I ended up leaving the building crying. She made me feel like my problems weren't valid and she raised her eyebrows at me a lot. She also didn't even ask about my background really and just didn't seem compassionate at all. She kinda brushed med off and just gave me a checklist of things to do until the next appt.
I kinda blame myself, but I guess it just wasn't a good match. I talked to another counselor and she said it's never the patients fault blah blah blah but I still feel like shit.
I don't know if I'm just overly-emotional but she made me feel really bad. Should I report her? Maybe it's not just me and she does this to other people who are afraid to say something?
I don't know exactly what counselors are absolutely required to do, but I figure making you feel like shit isn't one of the things.
Anyway, now I'm sitting here feeling bad because I was really looking forward to getting some help and it went really shittily so I'm scared to even make another appt with someone else and am not expecting much anymore if its just me being emotional.
Anyone else have similar shit experiences feel free to share your stories.
>>16549821
Dude, the counselor didn't make you feel like shit. The counselor only made you realize that you are shit. People don't go see counselors unless they're already broken, so you can't exactly blame her for breaking you. Here's an idea - take some responsibility. That will take you a lot farther than any counseling ever will.
>>16549821
This happened to me too, I was referred to a psychologist by my doctor for anxiety and depression. Went to her for about 3 months and it was awful. She didn't take my problems seriously and also sent me off with tasks that didn't ease my problems every time. It was really unhelpful.
Finding someone to talk to is hard. Not everybody finds someone who clicks with them right away. A lot of my friends have had this problem too. You just need to try different counselors until you find one that fits.
I didn't get the chance to shop around, I ended up taking Prozac instead.
Your problems probably aren't valid.
I'm dating this girl, and while it's not "official" yet, it is getting serious. last night she told me her ex (who doesn't live here) is coming into the city to pick some stuff up and leave, and she told she was going to visit him to get closure or whatever. I asked her if she still liked him and she kind of dodged the question and told me they never really ended and that he still likes her.
should I be worried that old feelings may come back? I don't want to worry about this, but it's been bugging me and I don't know how to tell her without sounding like a jealous asshole
>>16549790
Let me put it to you this way.
My ex and I broke up at the end of August. We're still fucking every now and then.
>>16549790
>she told she was going to visit him to get closure or whatever. I asked her if she still liked him and she kind of dodged the question and told me they never really ended and that he still likes her.
>they never really ended
>he still likes her
>they never really ended
I think you should be worried about a lot more than old feelings, OP.
>I don't know how to tell her without sounding like a jealous asshole
You don't need to tell her anything, because I'm sure she already knows how you must feel. It's why she's not telling you everything and hasn't been upfront about the situation. She just doesn't care.
>>16549798
>she just doesn't care.
Nooo anon, clearly you don't think like women do. Because she isn't telling him means she cares about him. But not enough to accept the truth that she might still want to fuck her ex one last time.
Hey anyone with ADD?
Anyone one meds?
What is the difference when on or off meds?
ADD/ADHD are not real diseases, they're fabricated pseudo-scientific labels that were voted into existence by the APA.
>Anyone one meds?
I've used amphetamines before, specifically prescription amphetamines that are commonly prescribed to people for this fake disease.
The downsides of amphetamines are that they are very addictive and harmful, even if you take them in prescribed doses. They come with various bad side effects, most notably they can make you stay awake for very long times, and kill your appetite so you don't want to eat anything, the result of this itself can make you a bit deranged. They also have a horrible comedown when they wear off. They do however make almost anyone focus more, they generally increase mental awareness and attention. They're one of the most pleasurable drugs on Earth, next to opiates and cocaine. The effects last several hours. These drugs were used in WWII for soldiers so they could stay awake and alert, to give you an idea of what these drugs are good for.
If you take amphetamines as prescribed, you'll most likely be taking a consistent small dose every day. The "zombie" effect that people describe from taking these drugs, which is usually the exact opposite of what amphetamines do, comes from the fact that you're not taking enough to get the full effects of the drugs, you're just consistently taking enough small doses to be between a state of perpetual minor amphetamine comedown, and the minor effects of amphetamines.
>>16549758
Well thats your perspective
And there are some other meds i think
>>16549779
There's methylphenidate and amphetamines, those are the only two relevant drugs for these fake diseases.
If you're going to use mind altering drugs for your fake disease, you might as well just use amphetamines over methylphenidate.
>tfw you join Facebook meme pages and it becomes evident that everyone on 4chan is in high school
>tfw you feel alienated from everyone irl and go to the Internet to socialize but everyone is in immature faggot with no life experience
Male 31 signing in
Fem 29 standing by
Male 38 reporting for duty
> Me and ex meet up after months of not talking at all
> Catch up over smokes, got a bottle of Peach Svedka and food
> Head to the mountains, park somewhere and sit outside talking
> Start drinking, start talking more about life
> He won't talk about how he got his car, his life himself
> He starts breaking down, crying in the backseat with me
> "Have you ever done something, thinking it was for the better and you had nothing but good intentions but it ends up like you did everything wrong?"
> Start telling him my common perspective about it from past experiences
> "Thank you for understanding."
> Start talking, joking around some more
> Decide to either fuck or just keep talking
> Start fucking in the back seat
> Mind blowing sex
> I start crying after because I've missed him so much
> Reassures me
> Round 2
> Cuddling, get dressed, sort of sober
> Drive home is calming
> Message him hours later
How are you feeling?
> I don't feel like talking
I feared.
> I dont feel good
Why? I know that's not a hangover.
> I just dont
How can I help?
> I just dont want to talk to anybody
What gives /adv/isors?
I'm trying to help him but he pushed me away.
He hasn't talked to me after that night.
He gave me terms and conditions about this, that I can't be emotionally attached, He doesn't need me to know about what he has been doing, etc.
I need help.
Start by describing the relationship, its nature and the reason you have broken up.
Maybe this is because you broke up for a good reason.
>>16549678
Long story but we were on and off for 5 years. Reason he stopped talking to me is because I kept talking to my other ex who got with my former best friend that this ex got with in high school while I was with him. This all subsided now. I gave up that poison and we both agreed that we don't want any conflict upon each other, that we're trying to stay out of it. I was told my ex described above is manipulative but I don't see why since he is being sincere about no conflict. He has always cared about me and we've always came back to each other in some way just to be in peace with each other and then abandon me. Same cycle over and over again.
I'm a little scared. Currently can't figure out what to do so I'm just sitting here and not taking any action yet.
I applied (For a job) at several places. This is going to sound dumb but I've never in my life had a big choice of where to work. Now with four or more choices, who do I courtesy call first, to let them know I submitted an application? Immediately I got a call back from Walmart and I already have my interview scheduled for next week. But what if I have other interviews? How do I tell walmart "I'll call you back if I decide I don't want those other jobs"?
Currently I am satisfied with possibly working at walmart because I am desperate and unwanted. But if given the choice, I don't -actually- want to be there.
Interviews are to see if the job is right for me, and if I'm right for the job.. correct..? And it's normal to have more than one interview on your plate, rightt?
Sorry if this was hard to understand.
In order of where I want to work the most
>Receptionist - Did not call back yet.
>Cashier at Aldi - Waited a week (since I didn't get a phone call) and emailed the company today inquiring about my application
>Associate at GIANT - Tried to call immediately after applying but I ultimately got hung up on and didn't call back
>Walmart - fug
So what do i do first? pic related how I kinda feel
semi update, just got this reply from Aldi's
Forget about the four other jobs, Walmart called you while the others didn't, so the choice is pretty clear to me here. Are you a man? Because they only seek women for 2/4th of what you listed.
>>16549538
Nah not happening here, put that into the trash. You don't have two week to wait and the HR at Walmart surely don't either.
>27, married
>don't want kids
>never hid that fact
>husband is starting to drop hints
>probing "if/when" statements about kids
>fuckno.jpg
>he would make a great father
>I still don't think I'd ever be able to be a mother
Do I wait and see if biology kicks in? Do I shut it down asap so he can go find someone who is more willing? Do I have a kid I will probably hate to make him happy?
I just don't see how knowing even in the abstract that I may seriously never want children he still married me, but would change his mind like that. Is it because fatherhood is so heavily idealized? Can I still salvage this?
>Get a implant, don't tell him.
>Agree to start family.
>Never get pregnant.
>stay married
>stay childless
>>16549397
He already wants me to get one anyway, since it's not an issue for the immediate future.
The whole point is that I don't want to be lying. If I have a kid, I'd be lying for the rest of my life. If I told him I'm not on an implant anymore but still kept it, I'd also be lying.
Whitey detected.
You're trying so hard to embrace your feminist conditioning and it's respectable you don't want to contribute to overpopulation but if you're living comfortably enough to have some spending money about then it's time to have kids when your young enough they won't be autistic messes. You won't hate your kid. As a woman you're a slave to your hormones as much as your broody husband and you are not prepared for how much you'll love that kid.
Reproduction is the meaning life. I don't mean human life but everything right down to the amoeba and he's being such a pain pestering you because you're robbing him of being a successful organism.
>b-b-but I don't want hormones to rewire my brain to be a gun hating, freedom loathing matron unit and have to raise a little version of me
Hormones are gonna rape you anyway in menopause if you don't.
How about getting sterilised and donating all the money you've saved from not having kids to the third world so women over there can continue to have on average 10 little eaters each.
Has anyone ever been in a relationship where their partner threw something at them during a fight?
>heat of the argument
>an empty glass bowl we used to store fruits
>bowl is quite big
>She throws it at me, hits the leg of my chair I"m sitting on, glass shatters all over, some shards enter my leg
>utter shock
>She continues to provoke me by saying "yea, what are you going to do"
I'm just blowing up inside, but I just start picking up the glass shards that are spread across our carpet floor.
Her response is that " I deserved it, I want you to feel my pain"
I'd understand if she threw it any other direction except to me.
Been a few days now, I have lost all emotional sympathy and willingness to come to terms with what just happened.
definitely dump her, anyone that throws objects at you and even after realising you were hurt, says that you deserve it, shouldnt be in your life
>>16549252
Dump her and if it was bad enough (or if she does something like that again) report her to the authorities.
Dump her, report her to the authorities (what if it had hit your head OP?), and go to a doctor to ensure that they pick out any other glass pieces which you can also use as evidence for the fact she did it in the first place.
Hey, /adv/, this is my first time on this board, but it's probably about the most confusing and difficult situation I've been in for a long time, and I seriously need good advice. Please listen as I explain the situation.
For a level-3 Poli. Sci. class I'm taking there was a standard research paper I had to write and I felt I did a pretty good job on it, having worked, researched, and edited my way through it for a solid month. Now the teacher hands it back to us, and I got a mother****** C+.
Now, I know for a fact that I'm a good writer, and I also did comprehensive research on the topic. It turns out she took away all those points purely because of my supposed citation problems, namely, that I did not cite enough academic journals and too many news sources. Now, without boring you about the details, I asked her clearly whether I could have used the sources I did and in the ways that I did and previously received her permission, but now she is twisting her way out of it, claiming her permission was "relative," "not what I thought", etc, etc.
Basically, she is a Spaniard that has a poor handle on english, and is somewhat arrogant, and doesn't understand she explicitly gave me permission to do something that she took 45 points /100 away for. How do you convince someone like this that they're wrong and argue your way to at least a B+ or higher? How to deal with narrow-minded teachers who hold your future in their hands and irresponsible about it? Everyone who did my topic received a bad grade from her for mostly the same reason, and I think we have a good case to bring to the admin. to have our work regraded. Do I try to convince her myself still, and how would I do that, or do I not bother and go with the appeals process?
Do you have her permission in writing/email form?
>>16549181
Yes, I do, which I think is clear enough that the admin. would side with me on the issue, but I'd like to try to convince her I think.
Okay, start by begging her for a regrade, or an incomplete. Subtly let her know you will be taking this one to the administration if she doesn't capitulate. Get everything in writing.
Am I a scumbag for not wanting to go to my sister's uni graduation on account of one of my best mates flying across the country to come see me?
I haven't seen my mate in over a year and he's one of the closest people to me. If I go to my sister's graduation, I won't even be watching her, I'll have to watch the ceremony from some random room through a tv screen, and she doesn't want my mate to come to it because she doesn't know him.
Any help is much appreesh
Is your mate literally flying all the way down to specifically see you for literally the duration of your sisters graduation? If so then yes you are fucked, but you may want to consider finding a friend that will visit you for longer than an hour.
Either way meet him after the graduation if he is staying in the area, the graduation won't last long, you don't have to be waiting for him there at the airport when he arrives. Your sister remains happy, you get to see your friend, you miss an hour and realize it was not that bad.
If for some reason this scenario is impossible then you explain to your sister that you really wan't to see your friend and if she would not mind if you did not go to her graduation considering she is not willing to let him attend the graduation. She'l sort of be forced to let you go out of you have a legit reason, or she'l realize it's not that bad and allow him to come.
Then again i am not an American and I really don't understand how a graduation works or why you think they are so important. So i may be missing something here.
Why can't your buddy hang with you in the room?
My mate's flying over tomorrow for a week and the grad is nek Wednesday, then he leaves nek Thursday. My reasoning is that I don't want to have to drive two hours to go to her graduation, leave my mate at her house to play xbox for 3-5hrs (it's a huge graduation) while we take pics etc when he's coming to see me and train with me, not play xbox by himself then drive 2hrs back home...
Also I'm aussie, he's flying from Perth and I live Northern NSW and the sister's grad is Brisbane
And fossil anon, basically my sister doesn't want him coming at all because she doesn't know him (he's never been able to actually meet my family because he lives on the other side of the country), even though we're as close as brothers
how do you put up with other people when discussing a political anything?
Everytime I go on facebook I see fallacies being spammed everyone and completely moot points
Its so depressing.
Or headliners that read "first pregnant men ever gives birth to 3 kids" and obviously its just a tranny.
Or Someone takes the time to construct a decent counterargument and then someone will reply making it personal "u only say that becoz ure ugly"
I know we do this shit on 4chan too, but we do it ironically or to get rid of newfags but these people are seriously like this. That is how they think they win an argument. They act on feelings without any rationale.
WHY ARE PEOPLE LIKE THIS
I dont want to be a part of this. This is all going nowhere, the governments and the conspiracy bred us for stupidity, dumb people are easy followers
How do you put up with unintelligent people?
how?
I feel as though I should just completely cut them off out of my life
Just be patient; when Trump loses to Hillary in a landslide the right-wingers will be forced to confront reality and that includes the fact that Internet trolling doesn't win elections.
>>16549143
>trump
>losing
>bf and his friends constantly joke about an incident bf and I had over three years ago
>my bf and I were roughing around
>I grabbed his arm
>he pulled away
>I accidentally scratched him a little deep, he bled a little
>bf was kinda upset because it stung, but knew it was an accident
For some fucked up stupid reason. My boyfriend told his bros that we were mad at each other and that I abuse him when no one is around. My boyfriend was being so sarcastic that I don't even know if his friends realize he was joking. My boyfriend won't own up to it because he thinks it's funny to joke about. Well, maybe for the first few months.
It's been three years and my boyfriend's friends have still not let it go. Whether it be in person, on social media, etc. If bf shares something physical or an article even slightly relating to something like that. His friends will be like "Oh like the time she hit you?" Even now, it seems bf is getting tired of it, but he will never admit to fault
Like, it was slightly funny three years ago. But now it's just driving me insane. I don't show that I'm angry to his friends. They try to call me out on it. I've told them multiple times that it was an accident before just giving up about it.
Even for the first year or so of this joke, my boyfriends friends thought I was a total cunt because my boyfriend would sarcastically joke about me being upset with him or use me as an excuse not to go out with them when he's tired (ie "oh my gf doesn't like it when i hang out with you guys"). Now I'm kinda friends with his friends, but this bad joke is never-ending.
What do?
has your bf got a goatee or some other kind of shitty facial hair?
>>16549100
no why
>>16549102
Just thought I knew him.
