Happy friday everyone
how are you all doing/what are you all up to
Depression is for people who refuse to follow the Dalai Lama's teachings.
Agree that the Dalai Lama is wiser than you? Then listen to him.
> tfw no more cigarettes
First time in a while it's been an alright Friday. I had a few shitty beers, and I feel like programming a bit.
3:45 am
I feel happy and ambitious, and I don't want to go to sleep because it would be a waste of this rare flood of dopamine.
I can learn to be charismatic, right?
>>26612380
like i'd believe in reLIEgion
>>26612382
good jawb anon, you beat the poor tax
>>26612385
good shit anon
>>26612385
Whatchu making?
I need to muster the courage to port an old flash thing of mine to android, I'm sure it's worth doing but graphical operations in java for android is a nightmare
>>26612397
I had to learn to be funny in grade school because i was fat and bad at things
so i assume so
>>26612427
Dunno, I might work on that top-down game I had started on in Lua a few weeks back.
Tell me about your flash thingy.
>>26612382
no more cigarettes as in you ran out or you just quit
the former is my current situation and I can't fucking stand it. been irritated all day and I have the worst chills right now. I have money but I just can't work up the courage to go out in public and buy them. I also don't have a car and I don't feel like walking
>>26612347
Started going to therapy so that's nice. We've only scratched the surface of my issues and I haven't gotten to the worst of it yet. I may qualify for a free psychiatric evaluation. My counselor suggests stronger medication because my mood on Setraline isn't normal apparently.
Back in high school, before the meds I'd daydream about suicide. How to do it, planning it out,etc. Now on meds I'm too lazy to put forth the effort to kill myself. I thought that dulling of emotions was actually an improvement, but it's not.
Also gotta find a job before school ends. Mom wanted me to join a branch of the military but they wouldn't let in someone who is depressed, suicidal and on meds. She's one of those people who thinks depression should be reserved for starving kids in Africa, and that religion solves everything. One day after lying in my bed half the day, depressed after losing my first job, she walked up and told me that my life was this way because I wasn't a Christian. I'm no fedora tipping faggot, but I just hate anything being pushed on me. Also forced to go to church every Sunday too. Might as well cut my balls off already because that's what I already feel like.
>>26612404
You don't have to be religious. He just wants people to be happy and compassionate
>>26612471
Put it here.
>>>/f/3026491
I made it when I was 16 and flash was still cool, but I think the principle would translate well to touchscreens.
I don't host the save/load database anymore but I was fucking proud of that at the time.
has anybody ever overcome their depression/anxiety and then regressed back into it? I seriously never hear anything about it from anyone else. I'm 25 and in school again. I don't have to run into the people that new me as funny/outgoing, but every once in a while I do. Then I just see the look in their eyes, waiting for me to entertain them and then being let down and confused.
>>26612521
Nice job on it, anon.
I'm leaning more towards making something useful in c++ instead of some game with shit graphics and no sound. Got any ideas?
>>26612347
Things were looking a bit better, as I was planning on moving out with a friend, hoping it would make me less miserable. But just discovered about an hour ago that I owe the government a couple grand due to dropping a uni subject due to being too depressed to cope last semester, never let them know so I've been overpaid the past few months and have to pay them back. Pretty stupid really. Paying them back atm now I can't afford to leave, stuck as a 27 year old living with his Mum for another year or so.
I really am the cause of my own shit life.
>>26612570
>useful
I wouldn't know how to do anything like that
Implement game of life, write a markov chain model and generate text...
I'm interested in audio analysis, I want to make a wearable music visualizer bracer.
>>26612491
Man, sorry to hear about that anon. My mom at least weeps about it in private and understands that my depression is a genetic thing. Still wants me to go back though
>>26612548
I don'tt really think its overcoming and then regressing, i tthink its periods of less depression and more depression
>>26612599
That fucking sucks, i'm sorry to hear that anon :(
Is one class really several thousand?
>>26612631
>wearable music visualizer
I'd really like to see that, go for it.
Reading up on markov chains now, interesting as fuck. Thanks, maybe this will give me a busy weekend. I've come to found out that the busier I am the less depressed I feel.
>>26612658
I had a handle on it in high school. I became popular, I got a superlative my senior year. I considered it overcoming. It got progressively worse in college, which I self medicated, on top of meds, with alcohol. That caused me to have a serious injury. Now I am severely depressed. I consider it regression.
>>26612710
come to find out*
Dumb me.
>>26612727
Have you ever sought out professional help? Self medicating usually isn't the best idea, especially when alcohols involved
>>26612774
This was 5 years ago. I don't drink anymore, and I was seeing a psychiatrist but my parents stopped paying for it. They don't really believe in it. I am seeing another one on the 2nd.
>>26612792
Good luck. I'm going back to mine next month hopefully
I'm probably going to kill myself soon. I just want out. I have no drive for anything, I'm just so tired.
>>26612347
Shit as usual. Today I've started to record myself for YouTube, to maybe lance down the loneliness. It's a very diluted form of interaction but it's something.
>>26612347
i went to this public event at my uni because it had food and beer. it was worse than staying in because i had to see happy people, although it wasn't so bad in the moment because i'm autistic enough not to care if i look like an awkward fuck being all alone at such a thing. the worst is seeing a girl who is exactly your type and knowing that you will never ever talk to her or see her again
>inb4 normie fuck you
>>26612815
Yea, my insurance just changed but at least it's only 10% which would be 50 bucks tops. I am worried about the cost of medicine. I was taking adderall for years (which actually helps with social anxiety for me) and that's like $300 for a months script.
Hey anon
I'm just thinking where did I actually go wrong. My life's a shithole.
Today my "best friend" stabbed my back for the third time. I feel lonely and empty. But hey, at least I can wait for death.
Hi skelly. Got a few girls #'s at work problem is all 3 of them each have a kid under 5. The cutest one actually liked me and a co worker told me to get her # we only hung out once tho she invited me but on our days off she goes out of town so it's hard to meet up with her after work now we have different schedules and off days. I don't want to be cucked and raise these different kids if I fall for them senpai. How are you doing
>>26612658
Yeah, dropping that one class put me from full time study to part time, so I have to repay them.
>>26612823
How long have you felt like this anon?
>>26612838
What do you say?
>>26612839
Better than me, even for free food and beer i would never go to a school event. also
>share laugh with qt in drive through after she gets flustered by calling you dude
>never see her again
>>26612855
Not bad. Meds are cheap if insurance pays for itt, mine are like 20 for two months
>>26612882
Stop being friends with this person. Stop talking to them
>>26612894
hope you can hang out soon, you don't have to raise her kids.
>>26612912
:(
Are you still attending?
>>26612986
I can't stop being friends with him anon. He is the only one in my life right now and I don't know what would happen if I was all alone.
>>26612986
>What do you say?
Just stream of thought stuff. Today i only did like a 4 minute video to test the waters, though. It feels very strange, since i've always been reserved person and avoided this sort of stuff.
I talk a lot though when im alone, i thought i might as well archive it.
Also my English pronunciation could use work, so this is helpful.
>>26612380
Why not follow the based Ayatollah and get a 10/10 Persian QT while removing kebab... for kebab?
>>26613035
Is it worth having a friend if they constantly hurtt you?
>>26613049
Oh, is English not your first language?
Sometimes I stream in order to just talk. Its not bad
>>26612347
I'm drinking.
Thinking of playing Ys.
Considering getting a helium tank because I'm too much of a pussy to just shoot myself.
>>26613082
Not really anon. But maybe he has his reasons. Either way my life is falling apart.
>>26613124
ys is good, need to beat it
they caught on and put stuff in helium ttanks you order off amazon to not let you die, from what I heard.
Why do you wanna do it anyways?
>>26612986
Time seems to blur together, I can't remember the last time I felt happy or at least content with something.
>>26613156
>>26613124
Yep, if you're getting helium make sure you order from an industrial supplier and talk to them to confirm what you're getting.
Just make up some bullshit about cryrogenic research projects and ask for a quote.
Source: air products intern
>>26612347
It occurred to me today that despite work and school, I haven't physically touched another human being in over a week. This is my life.
>>26613195
What used to make you happy?
>>26613196
Hows that going for you?
>>26613292
A week isn't too bad desu. Nott to like downplay your feelings or anything, but some people go years and years without human contact.
Are you looking for an SO or anything?
>>26613329
Playing video games and just browsing the internet but now I just feel hollow. I don't even want to be happy, I just want to stop feeling altogether.
>>26613447
They have meds that do that.
>>26613156
>Why do you wanna do it anyways?
I just hate myself and I know I'll never self improve due to me hating myself so much I'll go out of my way to sabotage any positive progress in my life.
It's all on me, but it's also why I don't have any friends or a good job anymore. I just fuck away time as a janitor and I'm at the point where I think I'd be more useful and contribute more dead than alive.
>>26613196
Thanks for the hot tips, guy.
>>26612347
Worse than usually SkeletonJW. At least I have the weekend to wallow in self pity
Drinking alone and vidya on my days off work are slowly getting to me
Also my oneitis from work and I get along sooooo well yet I can tell she doesn't see me like that.
Where's my exit bag?
>>26613722
Altough we go to the bar after work a lot and I may have talked her into getting hammered adn going to a museum.
I guess thats a plus, but she says she always turns guys down for just trying to get in her pants, it's not my only intention but it sure as hell is one of them.
Wat do?
>>26612347
sitting by myself
See: >>26613655. I've been thinking for a while that I have Avoidant Personality Disorder but I feel like it's something worse than that at this point.
>>26613329
I've given up looking. I've been rejected my whole life. I'm almost 27, and totally kv. Even if someone were interested, I'm a lost cause at this point.
Reading manga. Wanna drink but I got over the worse of my alcohol withdrawl last night. Thinking about vidya but I'm feeling kinda meh right now.
>>26612397
5:07 am.
Well, the happiness and ambition has drained out.
I wish I could bottle good feelings up somehow and use them when I needed them instead of the useless hours.
>>26613829
what manga?
this is an original question
I'm thinking about getting ECT. My brain is fucked; I don't react positively or negatively to anything. I can't make eye-contact with anyone and where I used to be animated now I'm totally expressionless. I feel like a hunk of spoiling meat walking around. It literally feels like life or death would be interchangeable, but non-existence would be preferable since there would be no suffering.
>>26613888
Kokou no Hito
It's pretty damn good, the protagonist is relatable.
after years of abusing stims im at a point where my face and arms randomly become numb/tingly and me knees give out on occasion
so that's a nice edition to my life
has anyone else experienced this?
>>26613943
addition*
i need to kill myself as soon as possible
>>26613943
I've only been using stims for a couple months now. Hope I don't get any lasting damage from them. The thought of ever quitting is terrifying to me. I was a lethargic mess before I was using, I need stims to get anything done.
Incidentally, that's how I cured my depression.
I don't really have depression just a kind of loathing for myself and people around me
>>26613985
to be 100% honest, if i could go back 5 or 6 years, i would still experiment with stims, but i would never go hard on them. meth has fucked me up so bad, if i were you i would try to quit before it;s too late. and i know that's a cliche saying and whatever but at least it applies here.
shit sucks
>>26612986
Tnx man feel much better
>>26612347
continuing to mask deep depression and feelings of self-loathing with humour and joviality.
>>26613519
You ever thought about professional help anon?
>>26613693
Whats wrong?
>>26613722
Why do you feel like she doesnt see you like that
>>26613786
same desu
>>26613818
at least you have good taste in music
>>26613819
I don't think you're a lost cause anon
>>26613911
Do it, it might be helpful for you
>>26613929
whats it about anon?
>>26614021
i mean that might be depression. It comes in different forms
>>26614104
wew lad me too senpai
>>26614157
>not a lost cause
What makes you say that?
>>26614157
>Why do you feel like she doesnt see you like that
Because I see the other guys she turns down and they make me seem like fucking little league. Plus outside of work/bar she wont' talk to me much on facebook. Behind the counter at work though I have her laughing all day.
I dunno man I don't believe in myself one bit
Today she was talking about one of her best friends who liked her in HS and she was like
>"I don't get why he didn't mention it till after he got a gf, we saw each other all the time"
>"Probably because since he was around you so much it would have been that much harder if you turned him down, stuff like that isn't fun"
>She kinda looks at me like she knew i was insterting myself a bit
>Hesiates and lets out "Yeah..."
Got two Dr recommendations for chapters out of the army for hanving severe depression but my commander and 1st sgt ain't beginning the chaptering process.
>>26614314
She said I was a "character" today though, that made me smile.
>>26614278
You're only 27, thats defs not hopeless.
>>26614314
Maybe she just doesn't like talking online?
I say go for it desu
>>26614387
What is chaptering?
>>26614746
But she's always on her phone talking to people at work.
>>26614760
maybe because work is boring and so she chats during it to you and others?
>>26614746
27 is relatively young, but I've missed out on a lifetime of opportunities I'll never have. I wish I could believe that there was hope, but it's been proven time and time again that its just not true. I've accepted that. I'm not bitter I don't hate people because they're just living their lives.
Hey gang whats the best vpn so the NSA will fuck off?
>tfw you literally have to act happy 100% of the time because you're emotionally dead on the inside, see no hope in your future and have no incentives by society to participate.
>tfw if you were terminally ill you wouldn't bother treating it because you're only here because killing yourself would hurt family members and this would be an easy way out
>tfw you just play vidya games, exercise and go to work occasionally so you can fill the gap
>tfw so disconnected from reality started to slip up with maintaining the farcade
fuck i hate living and i want out of this shitty reality..........!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i told my only friend that i just don't get life my nigga and he said "what don't you 'get'?" to which i responded i wish i knew.
WHO DRINKING ALONE IN THEIR ROOM?
god fucking damnit. i'm not even rly a robot i guess i'm a cyborg but i feel so detached from humans and not because i'm dejected or an outcast. the opposite maybe. i mean i'm no chad coz i definitely can't put my best foot forward and be normal towards people but god damn
