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>>673432654
okay

>>673432654
What the fuck was wrong with you?

>>673433160

Everything.

I masturbated in the principal's office once

>>673432654
Nice b8 m8

>>673433837
How is it bait? I'm trying to start a greentext thread not a flame war

>>673432654
That has to be the lamest story i ever read, is there a cont or?

bump for more greentext

>>673434718
Well, it wasn't meant to be particularly exciting, just fucked up. I'm trying to start a thread for fucked up things people have done. Although, I do sit behind her now in class.

Does seriously no one have any weird stories to share?

>me
>14
>doing community service because i brought bomb to my school
>animal shelter
>cleaning shit out of kennels
>everyone leaves at the end of the day for some reason i cant remember why
>I'm left at the animal shelter until my ride comes.
>hour and half
>i jack off
>cum on a dog
>do nothing
>horny again
>get peanut butter out of break room fridge
>on my dick
>dog licks it off
>yes this is good
>i try to fuck the dog
>his asshole accepts me
>he doesnt resist
>thats weird
>cum in the dog
>peanut butter on his asshole
>nobody will notice
>other dog tries to lick it out
>they turn violent
>i watch
>i might be a sociopath

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> be me
>autistic fuck
>mom tries to make me socialise more
>"go buy the groceries today anon"
>fokoffmom.jpg
>"you need to get out from your basement anon"
>finally convinces me
>buy groceries
>try avoiding talking to people
>cashier is really cute
>finish up
>"have a good day sir " with the cutest smile ever
>want to say thank you
>want to say have a good day too
>"thank day too"
>fuckmeinmyass.gif
>mfw run walking out from the store
>mfw I forgot to carry my bags
>mfw I didn't go back

>>673435728
Pretty much me in any interaction with pretty girls

>>673435728
Fucking kek'd. Loudly.

>>673435664
>might be

>>673435728

>didn't go back

how much money did you waste?

>>673435728
Not sure if it's true or not.

but you deserve to die.

>>673435664
jesus christ you're worse than op

>>673436366

about 60 euros

>>673435728

to be more accurate I'm German and it went on like this

schönen tag noch-have a nice day
vielen Dank- thank you

I ended up saying

"Vielen Tag noch"

>>673436846

kek

> Be me
> 14
> Suck my self off regularly
> Doesnt like cum taste/texture
> Jizz in dog food

>>673436846

du dumm hurensohn

>>673436465

holy fuck anon 60 euros?

>>673435728
>thank day too
Fucking kek

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>>673435728
>>673436846

all of my Keks

> inb4 sex between children
GTFO

>>673432654
When I was in my early 20s I worked in a gas station for about a year. This hot little blonde would come in every night after her shift at the hospital and buy a mountain dew and half the time use the bathroom. I went in after she had used it once and she hadnt flushed. I took a fountain cup and dipped it in the toilet and drank her piss. It was horrible. I puked and was disgusted. Not sure what compelled me to this day.

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>>673436846

>Vielen Tag noch

>>673435728

r/4chan include me in the screen cap

>>673432654
I used to shower with my cousin and we pretended we worked at a Burger King

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> be me
> 5 year old kid
> going to pre-school
> teachers let us play with various toys
> my favourite toy was a train track with model trains
> there was a cute little girl in my class
> she's also playing with those trains
> "hey anon, wanna play trains with me?"
> "give me those trains, I wanna play alone", I respond
> "but anon, i wanna play too"
> I answer: "I want those trains to myself. If I see you anywhere near those trains again, I will bring a knife from home and slit your throat
> little girl runs away crying
> she won't get anywhere next to me for the rest of the year
> I played with those trains joyfully
> mfw

Got more stories if anyone is interested

>>673435664
like the scene in dumb and dumber 2

>>673435728
That's so funny lol

>>673438335
>hey anon, wanna play?
cringe lvl over 9000

>>673438335
OP here. You sound like me. Definitely interested.

>>673438839
Yeah, it's normal, we were 5 year-olds

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>>673438335
This so gay and autistic it hurts.

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>>673439059
Retard alert.whos in preschool at 5? By 5 youre in kindergarten. Story is bs anyway.

> be me like 10 or 11
>Cousin comes to visits family
>shes a deep sleeper
>walk into room while she is sleeping
>kiss her on the lips
>she doesn't wake up so make out with her while she sleeps for a couple of mins leave

>>673439574
Yes, I meant kindergarten. Preschool is a direct translation to english from my language.
Story not bullshit

OP here
> Be me, 14-15
> Shove finger in ass because experimenting
> Like it
> Start using things in the bathroom to experiment with ass fucking myself
> Gradually get bigger. First a thin comb, then a bigger comb handle about an inch thick, then a ribbed comb, and even some ice cubes out of the fridge
> mfw the combs belonged to my mother

>>673439662
>Cousins comes to visit again where both older
>I'm like 15 she's like 17
>shes into drugs and alcohol now
>its late at night comes home super drunk and high
>passes out on the bed that me and my sister are laying on
>note sister also passed out on the bed earlier
>so I start feeling my Cousins ass while shes on the bed and lay my head on it and kiss it o god it felt so good
>would of did more if my sister wasn't there
>while i'm feeling her ass she wakes up says hi to me falls off the bed onto the floor and goes to
sleep
>I go to my room sad that I couldn't do more to with her

>>673439574
i went to preschool with 5 too

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>>673432654
I have tons of stories, here's one i can remember right away
>be me
>be 12ish
>be on vacation in France
>go to visit the Pont d'arc, gaint stone arc cut out by river
>swim across the river with my brother who was 14ish at the time
>natural cave system in the rocks, fucking awesome
>some exit over the river at varying heights
>me and my brother just blindly crawling through small caves
>lightAtTheEnd.jpg
>cave gets too small
>brother pushes me behind him, continues
>blocks entire tunnel
>at the end it was an exit a good 15 meter above the river
>people swimming, kayaks passing
>looked like a kayak traffic jam
>can't see shit because my brother is in the way
>"Gee anon, this is really deep!"
>fucks given: 0
>push my brother out of the entrance
>404: bro not found
>look down to see a bunch of kayaks with people hysterically screaming
>massive white spot in the water, bubbles and shit where he came down
>lose interest, turn around
>find dead scorpion in cave
>wonder if it's venomous
>purposefully sting myself
>swim back across river and get a snack

And that's how i almost killed my brother and myself in one go

>>673435728
I'll never understand people who just freeze up and cant talk to people, whether it's an attractive girl or just anybody. I can hold a conversation with the hot cashier forever if there isnt a line behind me. Maybe I'm good interacting with people, who knows.

Anyway, I'm not green texting because I'm on my phone and fuck you.

When I was 16 or so me and my friend used to go up to this campground with his parents. There was always a shit load of people our age there, and there was obviously the regulars that went there every weekend and me and my friend were in that group, so we had a pretty good group of friends up there we always hung with at this arcade they had. A lot of people would sneak alcohol, my friends parents were cool and would always get us drunk so we never had to, but anyway. We were all drunk as fuck hanging behind the arcade one night, and I was doing some weird ass dance and rubbing my chest and my dick and kept pulling my pants down and showing my ass to everybody. I have no idea why, but it was just weird as fuck and other people started doing it too including a bunch of the girls.

That really could have been a hit or miss. Kinda glad people were laughing with it and joining in, otherwise I could have just been the weird fuck rubbing himself and flashing his ass to a large group of people.

>>673435664
Why the fuck was peanut butter in the fridge?

>>673435664
>bringing a bomb to school
Ahmed?

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>>673438335
>>673439033
Thank you for the interest.

> be me again
> about 11 years old
> there's this girl in my school
> qt3.14, blonde, big green eyes
> "It's time to put my charming into practice"
> Can't make an aproach because retarded autistic beta, not brave enough to talk to her
> Start writting love letters signed as "Secret Friend"
> Get very romantic on said letters
> Eventually she finds out I've been writtng those letters
> Says that I'll be in trouble
> I get scared
> Busted.jpg
> Teachers get mad at me
> I lie and say I did nothing
> Eventually I get and idea
> Decided to pay around 20 euros to a friend of mine so he would take the blame for me
> He accepts
> Says he wrote all those letters
> Friend is labeled as stalker
> I get away without trouble
> mfw

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>>673436846
>Vielen Tag noch

>>673441574
OP again. You're seriously exactly like me. If you have any other stories I'd love to hear

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>>673435728
fucking kek

>>673438231
glorious

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>>673432654
>>673435664
>>673435728
>>673437753
>>673439662
>>673440504
>>673440587
>>673440756
>>673441574

>>673441017
Holy fuck. I lived with this girl over the summer who would always put peanut butter in the fridge. I stole it twice and the second time she got so pissed that she asked everyone in the house who stole it at like 11 pm, Everyone said "not me," obviously, including me. I kept one of the containers and on the last day put it on her bed. She saw it and left the house crying. It was beautiful.

>>673435040
Underage b&

>>673440756
Noice. +Noice for tomoko

I fondle my cousin tits every week
We have been doing this for 2 years now...

>>673442017

All my stories are from when I was younger. I am now "normalized", calm and boring. Nothing interesting happening

> around 2 years later
> in school, during recess
> everyone is playing around because we are kids
> spot a girl eating a chocolate
> she throws the paper to the ground instead of putting it in the trash can
> suddenrage.gif
> "Hey, girl, it's not nice to throw your trash away. Why won't you pick it up and put it on that trash can?"
> She replies "Mind your own business"
> "I won't warn you again. Grab that paper and put it in the trash can."
> She turns her back on me
> I proceed to grab said paper
> Grab the girl, she turns around
> Forced the paper right into her mouth, after it was stepped on repeatedly
> She gets mad, puts the paper in the trash and runs away
> I made the world a little bit less polluted

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>>673440756
another one

>be me, 17
>be on vacation again, in turkey this time
>youneverlearndoyou.jpg
>be in all-in hotel, free food and drinks
>meet a bunch of brits who love to drink
>genetics allow me to down a lot of alcohol before i can't go anymore
>get unlimited alcoholic drinks from muslim student employees
>they couldnt give a fuck if i'm a minor or not
>get drunk every night, get popular pretty quickly
>some kind of sport championship busy
>finale
>get completely hammered on literally everything they can offer me
>blackout
>wake up in hospital with needle in my arm
>instantly awake and panic, fear of needles
>flip out and tear needle out of my arm
>parents hear noise, come in along with +10 sandnigger nurse's

keep in mind all this shit happened during the Ramadam

>turns out the night before i got so hammered i could barely walk
>slip at the pool, hit head
>trip on the beach, hit head against rock
>pass out
>british bros pick me up
>too drunk to carry me, accidentally drop me
>hit another rock
>finally drag me to my room
>start puking like i'm emptying a bottomless bucket of vomit
>doctor comes in, pupils dilated, not reacting
>get rushed to hospital
>mfw i got a triple head injury, concussion, alcohol poisoning
>mfw sandnigger personell had to drag me off during the night when they were free to eat
>mfw this whole thing got me super popular somehow
>mfw i later banged the teen entertainer who was employed there
>mfw also banged another random chick

Good memories are forged in blood and alcohol

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>be me
>15
>like to get up at night and burn stuff since I was 12
>experiment burning different items with matches n stuff
>mom buys this highly flammable bug repellant
>letshavesomefun.avi
>go to cockroach nest
>i fucking hate cockroaches
>put the liquid in a glass
>make it rain on the roaches
>light it
>bonfire of cockroaches, amazing shit
>they all start running out
>get on a chair
>fucking scared
>about 80 cockroaches on fire running around
>use the glass to get water and put them out
>about 3 hours stuck up there
>step on the leftovers and pick up the rest with a broom
>mfw I just smited a whole civilization of cockroaches
>mfw I kept burning shit after that

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>>673432654

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>>673435728
>>673435728
Take all of the keks

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>>673444411

>>673444225
niceeeee

>>673435664
"Peanut buter on my balls let the dog lick it" - Papa Franku
Papa Franku ? is that u ?

>>673440504
I burst out laughing

>>673444880
So close to dubs and trips

>>673444411
chek'd, nice story thou

>>673433160
We're all on 4chan.
Don't go there...

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>>673432654

>>673444225
>all stories posted here are artistic works of fiction and ....

I want to believe, though. Because those stories are pretty fucking great. I've done a lot of crazy shit, and I want to believe not everybody on /b/ isn't an obese loser.

One of my proudest (maybe least proud) moments was going over a decent sized waterfall on a kayak, somewhat landed it, aka a whole shitload of wobbling back and forth, before finally spilling it and falling out and hitting my head on a pretty big rock jutting out of the water where some onlookers had to pull me out of the water as I was knocked out cold. I didn't suffer a cuncussion or anything serious, just a pretty bloody head wound.

OP here. I have this weird cold fetish, like I like watching BDSM porn of girls getting dumped with cold water or made to do snow angels naked... So one time I got a bucket of snow from the backyard, brought it in my shower and rubbed myself with it and then masturbated.

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>>673444113
Godspeed, anon. Godspeed.

>>673440587
boner... go on

>>673444113
No offense but you sound kind of sociopathic as a kid

>>673437116
god why, kekd

Dude you're literally in my school lmao, like 5 grades below us match the description of this one dude Arsallan, same name of the chick

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>be moi
>be 16
>omega as fuck
>got into this girl
>9.8/10, 15, amazing tits and ass for being so young.
>she was probably into me because of pity
>i kind of want to have a kiss
>I've never seen people kiss from up close, so I have no idea how to
>we meet after school
>sit on a bench
>talk
>normal stuff
>sweating bullets
>i'm determined to do it
>i can do this
>i'm awesome
>try to say I love you, useless glabber came out instead.
>try to calm down
>go for the kill
>gonna compensate for that
>open my mouth as wide as I can
>lick half of her face while mumbling the sound people do when making out
>despair.midi
>pushes me off
>tells me to go fuck myself
>leaves
>mfw I can't stop fucking cringing when I look back at this

>>673435571
>>673432654
Pathetic

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>>673444225
ok another story from toddler me

>be me
>early childhood, dont remember age
>interested in animals
>have big yard so i catch all the bugs
>probably ate them too, since toddler
>intern 20yr old teacher in class sometimes talks about things we like
>ask her if she could teach us about snails
>she agrees
>awwyissgonnasuckhertits.jpg
>decide to be good student and help the teacher
>decide its a good idea to catch snails to show to class
>rainy day so lots of slugs in the yard
>can't find snails
>decide slugs will be fine
>catch a bunch of slugs, the big orange kind
>caught like 30
>next day, poke teacher and ask her about slug lesson she promised
>"oh, uhh, yea of course"
>gathers whole class in a circle
>TheTimeHasCome.jpg
>Take my bag and open it
>instant anarchy
>i didn't put the slugs i caught in a jar or anything
>just 30 slugs free roaming in my bag
>teacher screams
>classmates scream, either from witnessing the portal to hell in my bag or the pitch of the teacher's cry
>orange slugs everywhere
>horrid stench of death and slime coming from my bag
>Teacher stops screaming, heaves
>teacher pukes all over, including on some kids
>mfw i was proud as fuck
>mfw new teacher

And that was the last time we had show and tell in my class

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>be me in 9th grade
>Get hurt while playing basketball in PE
>Broken nose, and was knocked out by trying to dunk
>I guess i at one point while being knocked out tried to fight another kid
>nurse comes in to ask me why i did what i did.
>Tell her my story.
>Over hear her and my teacher are going to call the cops
cont if needed

>>673445599
I have no real way to prove it, but this story is 100% real

I even got into a lot of shit with me being a minor and foreign hospital policies and shit

worth the story though

>>673447367
i don't even care if this is fake keek

>>673447268
My first kiss was basically a headbutt

But at least it happened on vacation so I never spoke her again

>>673447912
Headbutts can be cute sometimes.

>>673447268
what about porn? also kekd

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>>673432654
Nigga, I still do stuff like this. I also sometimes cum on people's toothbrushes. And if I'm not up for jacking off, I just gently scrub my butthole.

I guess I do lots of stuff that some people think is weird. Oh well.

>>673447810
Probably remember this more dramatically then it actually happened, but I did release slugmageddon upon my classmates once, so much has been confirmed

>>673448042
Her nose was bleeding

>>673447622
Go on. Honor the dubs.

>be me
>be me inside
>i fap to trap
>parents see
>" its just a prank bro "
>dad fist my ass
> feels good
> mom see
> closes door
> sister opens
> sister sees my cock
> dad leaves
> She sucks it
> oh yeah boyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

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>be me
>be 11-12
>tired of fapping
>want to fuck something real
>look at dog
>looks at me
>dog is a yellow lab
>try to enter dog's vagoo
>doesn't work so rub penier on dog and masturbate
>try to coax her to lick it but too chicken to grab the peanut butter
>i did this multiple times and each time I would tell my mom cause I felt bad
>its ok anon your just experimenting, don't do it again
>happened like this maybe 4-5 times

there was the time I convinced my mom to let me touch her tit too.

>>673440756
sup Zach hows that loli goin?

>>673448634
and you told the dog story first???

>be me, sixth grade
>qt3.14 is into me
>she's kinda a badass
>one day having break inside cause raining
>I go up to whiteboard and start writing profanity
>teacher comes up and asks me who did it
> (I point to qt3.14)
>teacher believes me cause she's a trouble maker and I'm good student
>she goes to principles office
>no one believes her
>she never found out it was me who did it and blamed her

>>673447624
I have so many crazy outdoor/kayak/drunk stories that I find it hard not to believe you. I almost broke my neck before from being drunk and trying to do a double flip off of a rope swing.

In my defense, though, the rope is in a really shitty spot. You have to swing about 12 feet out before you even hit ~6 feet of water. It's pretty damn sketchy honestly

>>673445339
OH I'M SO DEEPLY DISTURBED

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>>673447622
cont?

>>673448581
wake me up.jpg

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>>673448754

>>673448271
It was '95-'96 so the internet wasn't necessary enough for me to have a computer, and I was just living with my mother at that time, so there wasn't any porn around.

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>>673435728

>be me, tenth grade
>in chemistry lab, have to piss
>go to bathroom to unleash a piss parade
>not paying attention
>look down to see that Ive accidentally been pissing on the top of the urinal and my piss has covered the floor
>I go to leave and the janitor just happens to come in
>fuck.jpg
>I quickly leave as he gets to the urinal
>hear him yell "fuck!" in a way that can only be described as the yell of a man who just realized his existence is cleaning up the piss of kids who are too laze to watch there own dicks..

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>Used to write stuff in weird code so only I could read it

>>673448754
>be me
>be 15
>get done fapping to mother-son porn
>get idea
>mom on prescription drugs, a lot of them
>critical thinking skills probably impaired
this is going to sound like bullshit from here on but whatever
>go upstairs to her room
>shes in just a night gown
>talk to her about girls
>tell her I am really curious
>tell her I want to see breasts in real life
>she looks away for a moment
>we start talking about her showing me
>agree for her to lift her gown
>see them and immediately touch them
>she pulls away for a moment then stops
>i thank her and go downstairs and fap furiously twice in a row and cum buckets
>next day her head clears
>tells father
>father says tell therapist
>therapist calls CPS
>CPS comes to our house
>tell CPS what happened
>mfw they look at the parent and not my manipulative ass because not 18 lol

and thats the time I touched my moms boob.

>>673449521
how did you remember each symbol meaning !!

>>673449834
All I did was switch out letters for symbols. Cant half read it anymore

>>673449517
I died.

>>673450020
holy shit that's awesome tho

>>673449813
so... pics of your mom? preferably high or drunk? for science

Mastubated to a glorious sunset on top of a mountain. It was majestic as fuck. 10/10.