mk ultra
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You are currently reading a thread in /x/ - Paranormal
You are currently reading a thread in /x/ - Paranormal
How would someone know if they were involved in any trauma based mind control systems? I don't think I was, but a lot of the literature out there about it seems familiar.
>parents both in medical fields
>grandfather was succesful chemist and part of a germanic literature group formed in the 1850s
>grandparents both ex Nazis
>premature birth
>had surgeries performed after birth across the country pro bono by a jewish surgeon
>despite premature birth and other circumstances parents raised me vegetarian
>signs of childhood trauma without any recollection thereof
>scars all over my body from surgery
>no memory from 9 years old to 11 years old
>also an episode of total amnesia last year, for a day and a half
>can only remember incredibly intense pain, crawling outside, calling an ambulance and the next thing I knew I woke up in my bed nearly 36 hours later
>dysfunctional family
>no sense of self
>extremely volatile behaviour
>eating disorder
>self harming
>end up being diagnosed with borderline pd
>therapist said I could also have DID
>have a history of conflicting behaviour or radically shifting who I am
>end up being drawn to dodgy bdsm scene
>do things I'd never normally consider
>sometimes couldn't tell if it was a dream or real
>had a major problem with depersonalisation and derealization for a while
>daydream constantly to the point it feels almost real
>very intense nightmares
>intense aversions to normal things, the sound of people chewing, masks, men in general, etc
>all that aside people say I'm very intelligent
>very good at manipulating people, lying, social engineering etc
basically I'm really fucked up mentally and emotionally and I have no fucking clue why, and as loony toons as it sounds the mk ultra stuff lines up with my stuff. I doubt my family would ever put their child through that, but I can't stop my imagination from running away on this. Or in general, but that's normal
The personality you are living out right now is probably your "escape personality". The one you created to get away from the trauma. You are dissociated. The nightmares, the eating disorder, the self harm, the mood swings is your real you trying to break through. Your subconscious is blocking the real you cause the horrors you experienced would drive you insane. It's a security mechanism. Use hypnotic regression to get a glimpse of the abyss that is your soul.
>>17779212
yeah that actually sounds terrifying, why would I want to do that. Wouldn't that make things worse?
>>17779243
I'd have to face whatever supposedly happened, and idk if that would actually be worth it. I'm not even sure anything really happened anyway, it could just be me having an overactive imagination. False memories are a thing too, I'd hate to "remember" something that never happened.
but let's say that something did, and that I remember it correctly. How is that any good for me? As you said, what I experienced, assuming it was anything, would make me insane. Chances are my behaviour is derived from a lack of proper coping skills and nothing more. Honestly idk why I even thought it could have been anything else lol, my life isn't some mystery novel or spy film. I'm just a normal person, shit like that doesn't happen to people like me.
I will ask my therapist about the hypnosis though, if anything being hypnotised sounds very relaxing and enjoyable. Not having to worry about anything at all while a therapist just tells me what I need to do. sounds great tbqh
I've masturbated to beheading videos while listening to the Gregorian Chants. Am I brainwashed by the gubbermint?
Didn't MK Ultra end in 1973? Are you that old?
>>17779316
They say it ended back then, but since when does the government ever tell the truth about this kind of stuff. For reference I'm 22
I convinced my cousin to depants herself and bend over in front of our neighbor's dog so I could watch her being raped by an animal? I wonder if satellites put those thoughts in my head.
Clearly lies you insolent fool
I had sex with a grape Fruit whilst listening to slayer. I think if the media wasn't controlled by reptiles that maybe I wouldn't do these things.
>>17779322
You're just a dumb kid who thinks he's special.
>>17779285
>Not having to worry about anything at all while a therapist just tells me what I need to do. sounds great tbqh
now i know what you like about BDSM.
also. don't get trapped in the psychology racket. they care too much about labels/money/life-long treatment and not enough about real healing. don't let yourself develop a crazy girl(guy?) identity to fill the void. figure out who you are and then figure out who you want to be and how to take concrete steps to get there. always valuing and learning to accept yourself for the good and bad. anything else is just bullshit and you don't want to waste the next 40 years of your life rehashing your childhood because eventually, no matter what happened, you need to accept it and move on.
hey op
we have a lot in common, I too am severely fucked up emotionally, bouts of amnesia, dissociation, depression, panic attacks, aversion to silly stuff, manipulative, all around my behavior points to heavy sexual trauma (my therapist said that) but I have absolutely no recollection
I don't really think it could have something to do with mk ultra, you just had bad parents/family and a real shitty time growing up now you're probably just getting paranoid (which is also a symptom, btw)
just one more thing I found interesting, it is a bit long, please bear with me
Freud states that dissociative amnesia is a form of suicide. once you can't fathom what happened to you, the alternatives are a)to kill yourself since you're experiencing the impossible or b)kill just a tiny bit of yourself by forgetting the trauma (dissociative amnesia)
it happens a lot to children because they are programmed to look up to their parents (or caregivers in general), they are the children's chance of survival in the world. so when a parent is shitty, the child often times can't fathom that they have shitty parents because that would mean their life is in danger so they blame themselves or dissociate
all this to point to what you said
>I doubt my family would ever put their child through that, but
you said your family is dysfunctional, so maybe it's time to reconsider if they really wouldn't be so terrible. maybe if you do some of your memories will come back, because now it wouldn't clash with your belief system
maybe not, repressed memories aren't really predictable
>>17779122
Something like that usually leaves a body, not a person wondering if it happened to them.
hey, it's >>17779343 again
>I'm not even sure anything really happened anyway
that's pretty common, actually. try researching about it, I found really good stuff on google. wish I could be more specific but I'm paranoid and only search those things on incognito mode so I can't provide you with nothing better. I've read somewhere something along the lines: if these ~repressed memories weren't real, you wouldn't be affected by them so much.
>but let's say that something did, and that I remember it correctly. How is that any good for me?
for you to move on and your mind to heal you need to process what happened to you, until then you'll deal with mood swings and everything else. it's a shit sandwich, I know, but you gotta deal somehow
>>17779333
>now i know what you like about BDSM.
y-you too
as for the racket, I really hope I can get just get off with the treatment I'm doing right now. It's a year long program that I'm almost halfway through. When that's over hopefully I won't need to go to a therapist ever again. I've already had the crazy bitch identity phase, hopefully I won't slip back into that. As for the rehashing childhood, I certainly do not want to do that but I don't really remember a childhood. Just small fragments, especially when I talk to friends and family about the past. They all have the same recollections and memories and I just have maybe a mental picture or a single conversation where they have stories.
>>17779343
thanks, it's comforting to know I'm not the only person like this. I certainly do have paranoia sometimes, I just think it's a combination of anxiety and imagination hopefully.
>>17779352
yeah it leaves a body when the person is done being used. What if it was still going on? I very frequently have cuts and bruises I don't remember anything causing, autonomous behaviour, dissociation, etc. Again, I don't think this is true, it's just something I think about
Face your fears head on.
You'll feel better in the long run.
>>17779304
Yeah project MKedgelord
>>17779524
but what if the fear is just an invention of my subconscious to possibly create some justification for why I'm fucked up. what if that's just the way I am, not for any reason other than that's how I was always going to be?
Honestly if there were something traumatic enough to have such an impact on me then surely I would remember something, anything at all, right?
Post pics of these supposed "scars" because this just sounds like RP and OP is just a pathetic NEET who wants dumb assholes in a random board on a Japanese forum rip-off to like him.
Worst part is you're anonymous so unless you namefag (which is ultra pathetic) nobody is going to care after this thread.
>>17780677
MK ultra pathetic*
>>17779122
You were born without a personality. MKUltra victims suffer from a different set of symptoms.
>>17780677
I don't give a shit about people caring about my thread dude
The scars are hard to see, I have a shitty phone and light skin. Went through some old photos and tried to find where they were easiest to see
>>17780692
this could also be true, I don't really have a personality
>>17780717
this is a shitty pic and my stomach was distended from bulimia but it shows my abdominal scar. I have one more on my throat that I don't have a picture of bc who the fuck takes pictures of their neck
>>17780717
>>17780727
H-h-here we go
>>17780733
what, some anon asked for pictures of my scars and I posted some. sorry for taking away from the tulpa shit and creepypasta
>>17780742
>bashing other people's interests because people aren't telling you what you want to hear
Your Nazi ancestors bred you for perfection and your evil Jew surgeon mutilated you to destroy your potential. Happy now?
>>17780776
I'm never happy but thanks for the (you). it's probably all the human interaction I'm gonna have today
>>17780784
So how long have you been transitioning?
>>17780717
>don't really have a personality
Well I mean, that's what this is. If you're looking for an answer, or something to "belong to," you're one among the group of people born without an identity. Usually society beats the identity into you if you don't have one inherently, but under the right conditions you'll just sort of be left there to grow without having anything to wrap yourself around. It's, "normal," in a certain sense.
>>17780841
Not that dude, but explain this more pls.
Also is this related even vaguely to witches too?
>>17780983
Not related to witches or magic or anything like that. People take a sense of identity and personalities for granted because evolution tends to just, well, grant them to us. In the same way, sometimes, occasionally, you'll have someone that's born without the factors that generate a personality. It's hard to attain a sense of self when you aren't born with the thing everyone else uses to attain a sense of self.
>>17780993
How is this disorder called or with which one could be associated?
>>17781029
It's not really a disorder. Evolution wasn't trying to make identities be a thing, they just kind of evolved over time. Identity proved useful for some reason. You don't need one to survive or live. I don't think it's formally recognized by the academic world yet.
>>17781029
Schizoid personality disorder
>>17779122
>very good at manipulating people, lying, social engineering etc
No your not, that's just a bedtime story you tell yourself
Your one of those people who fucking brags about that crap but with every other fucked up thing you describe you either hang out with people more mental then you or you're very bad at discerning when somebody is smiling and modding to be polite while you brag about your edgelord bullshit.
You have a repressed memory, /x/ is the last place to be seeking advice.
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