I want to know if you think I am being delusional or if I am going through the real thing. I want to know what my next step is and I need to be absolutely sure before I Take it. Please give me your opinions whoever you are, I want as many perspectives as possible on this.
Here is my story:
It have come to the point where my real recent memories feel exactly like dreams, I still know they are supposed to be real memories but the way i remember them feels like how I remember a dream.
it started when I began to follow that inner feeling that something is not right, and I realized I hated living in the concept I had been taught was the real world.
I had epochs of spiritual thirst during my life and the thirst have always been strongest when I've felt the most hopeless.
Along with the spiritual thirst came a thirst for challenging things that was wrong and pushing limits. Experimented with drugs, sleep deprivation and isolation. I also experimented with my sexual mind looking for the most disgusting, humiliating, and immoral things that stimulated my sexual desires (the sexual things have mostly been lived out in my mind).
Some lsd trips combined with my first ever real love experiences during the last year gave me realization and I plunged deeper into my spiritual search, started doing more meditation and dream/thought translation.
I am currently studying at university and during the isolation of my current exam period things have started becoming unreal for real, I have for the first time in my life felt that I am honestly and truly unsure about what things are real because just like in a dream it feels like the reality is responding directly to my thoughts.
2.
During this exam period I have ignored alot of the studying that I "should" have done, this just felt much more important and i dont even feel regret for ignoring my studies and not telling anyone straight. If I fail too many of my exams this time and continue to do so in the future my "lies" or rather "what I have not been doing" will be exposed to my close ones. I am moving in with my loved one in a about a month and I should on some level be concerned about being able to keep my life together. The thing is, I have been in similiar situations before where things feel like they are getting more and more hopeless the closer i get to this supposed climax of exams or whatever many times and they always work out with me ending up a winner, so I can't really believe it will be different this time. It feels like nothing really bad can happen to me because nothing really bad have ever happened to me.
This whole moment of getting closer to the point of this climax of exams, moving in, and at the same time not giving a fuck and pursuing the feeling that actually feel like it matters is warping my reality and while rushing forward spiritually I am still not 100% sure I am doing the right thing. Mostly, if not only because of love. This time there is a stake that I give some fucks about.
But my journey into madness doesn't end here, I can actually feel and almost see time slowing down around me during my deepest realizations or craziest thoughts. I wonder if my love is just another simulation or fear trying to drag me back into that life that I in all honesty despise so much I'd consider suicide a viable option. I want to believe that love is real because it is the only thing except transcendence that feels worth living for. But during this surge of spiritual realizations I can't say that i'm 100% sure love isn't just another sinkhole that drags me down back to hell.
3.
It have started to feel like some people and friends around me are bots in a cmputer activly working to drag me back down. I believe I might have deleted my older brother from the system, only his cat is left. Like I have deleted so many other people during my journey into deeper isolation. People I haven't reached out to in a while suddenly contacts me about some previous physical intrests we had in common that have recieved a cool update. It feels like a gaming corporation desperatly trying to keep hold of their customer with new added shit that would make me favorable. It feels like this made up shitty universe doesn't even take me seriously with its obvious attempts of putting me back in hell.
During these times when I isolate myself I usually get in deeper contact with my emotions and I can burst out in spontanous crying or get overwhelmed by feeling when I let them overwhelm me. I have never become aggressive or panicked, and I have always conquered my fears rather than succumbing to them.
Yesterday I was in an emotional moment and I wrote a kind of romantic and poetic but honest from the heart message to my love, even if she have seen that side of me before I think the meaning in this message could have been the deepest from my heart so far. Today she messaged me and asked if i sent her a messege yesterday because her phone said she had received one but she couldnt read it because of some bug or something.
This made my reality feel even more shattered, what happened to the messege I sent her? this have never happened to any other message I've sent and now it happens to this truest message about my love that I have probably sent to anyone ever, the consequences of this message could play a part in me deciding between going back and making a living in hell or taking the risk of going further towards the truth.
4/4.
I have not dared writing the message to her again yet because I am not sure about what is happening, I am not sure wheter love is the right or wrong thing. I don't trust love, but I realize it might be one of the few actual good things in life.
It feels like if I don't answer her she doesn't exist, but the moment i message her she will be booted and might try to drag me down again. If she is real I don't think she would be too bothered with me doing what the fuck I am doing if im honest and explain it to her. The problem is me not wanting to become a burden to her if she is real, and I know I might get less risk-taking and going back to establishing a life in hell with her.
Tldr
OP here,
TLDR;
Recent spiritual progress had made me question reality and I want to know if this feeling of wrong is worth pursuing deeper into "madness", is it worth the cost of love?
can i be happy with my love in hell?
Have I become delusional or am I onto the real thing here?
>>17773405
Love is the only thing that's worth living for, whatever your love could be.
>>17773538
Well, do you constantly have this sinking feeling of boredom/hopelessness in your stomach? Are you depressed?
>>17773538
Sounds like a mild chase of schizophrenia, possibly with a minor depression.
I wouldn't worry to much.
Go see your shrink and get some drugs. Maybe some therapy if the situation merits it and you should be right as rain.
>>17773548
what is love?
>>17773549
the only times I don't feel depressed is when I feel love or when I pursue the truth. I feel very good at the moment since the last time I have spent my time on just these things. My dilemma is that I might have to start doing things I dont want to again in order to stay in this life, and then i will go back into depression again.
I am in a state where I believe anything might be possible and I have kind of proved it to myself. But I am not sure if I dare take that last risky step into the magical world, will it really, really be real or have i tricked myself into believing in things that doesnt exist?
>>17773591
baby don't hurt me
>>17773622
don't hurt me
>>17773591
A miserable pile of secrets.
>>17773675
actually, you're think of ma-... actually, never mind, you're right.
I started writing a long as fuck essay about this but then realized I was running in circles within my own thoughts.
Which lead me to the point I was actually trying to make - it is important to question our own thoughts.
To me it seems your existential crisis is the effect of a cause which right now is a certain life situation: your exam period and moving in with opposite/same sex of your species. You may think that your onto something but bear in mind that we naturally tend to question our journey during stressful times whether we admit being stressed or not. Your way of "breezing" through things is just an excuse, the fact that your already thinking about it, even if in this way, is your mind trying to feel at ease.
You speak of your memories as being like some sort of dream yet why are you relying on them so much?
You speak of doubting reality within your thoughts yet why do you not question your own thoughts that much?
I do not know what is real in the end and I am going through this sort of existential crisis myself and funnily enough, it only started happening with great intensity only last month for the first time. What I do have realized though is that it is important to deal with this in the most calmest and unaffected state as possible in times when no commitments or people are burdening you, and when doubt of reality takes over in that state, that's when some crazy shit really starts to go down.
>>17773567
Go back to l.e.d.d.i.t faggot
Don't listen this shill
You should only go to shrink if your family or love one's take you , if they see that you lost control and they , not you, decide that you are crazy , you are still in control anon and as long you can do so trust your own judgment ,
Do your meditations to root yourself in reality anon, and you'll be fine.
>>17773772
New age spirituality bullshit.
>>17773567
This
As a sufferer of a mild case of schizophrenia myself I only have ome recommendation.
Go see a shrink anon.
>>17773757
I said that the latest memories I have feel exactly like dreams, and that is part of why I have began questioning reality at all.
I try to question my own thoughts but I will try to delve deeper in that as well.
I am asking for insights for a reason, I feel like a big deciding step in my life happen in my life soon, and things will go to shit for certain if I make the wrong choice. Can I really trust my feeling and instincts on this one? because if i do so I am about to step into wonderland for real.
>>17773637
No more
>>17773802
>DUN DUN DUN DUNDUN DUN DUN DUN DUNDUN DUN....
>>17773783
>meditation
>new age
Nigger do you even know your conspiracy?
Meditation is the way to root yourself in reality , any amateur occultist know this and new age is there to make you go away from the path, like look at those hippies who wants to be like that? No one, but happens that the C.I.A successfully program morons like you away from the power of meditation and love becose "I don't want to look silly " enjoy your life as a A.N.T.S (Autonomous non tinking slaves ),
You should meditate even if you are a hardcore fedora, science back it up and it will trully help you anyone who says different should back up his claims whit profs
Poping pills is the way to slavery
Is your choice anon
>Meditate
>Pop pills
Choose wisely anon.
>>17773538
Go down the rabbit hole anon, see where it leads.
May as well.
Synchronicity has gotten crazy recently, with me having deja vu at least 4 times a day. Something is happening to the world, and it probably isn't good.
>>17773785
>I said that the latest memories I have feel exactly like dreams, and that is part of why I have began questioning reality at all.
>I try to question my own thoughts but I will try to delve deeper in that as well.
Alright.
>I am asking for insights for a reason, I feel like a big deciding step in my life happen in my life soon, and things will go to shit for certain if I make the wrong choice. Can I really trust my feeling and instincts on this one? because if i do so I am about to step into wonderland for real.
>wrong choice
>wonderland
Let me share a story of a Chinese farmer I found few weeks ago:
>Once there was a Chinese farmer who worked his poor farm together with his son and their horse. When the horse ran off one day, neighbors came to say, “How unfortunate for you!” The farmer replied, “Maybe yes, maybe no.”
>When the horse returned, followed by a herd of wild horses, the neighbors gathered around and exclaimed, “What good luck for you!” The farmer stayed calm and replied, “Maybe yes, maybe no.”
>While trying to tame one of wild horses, the farmer’s son fell, and broke his leg. He had to rest up and couldn’t help with the farm chores. “How sad for you,” the neighbors cried. “Maybe yes, maybe no,” said the farmer.
>Shortly thereafter, a neighboring army threatened the farmer’s village. All the young men in the village were drafted to fight the invaders. Many died. But the farmer’s son had been left out of the fighting because of his broken leg. People said to the farmer, “What a good thing your son couldn’t fight!” “Maybe yes, maybe no,” was all the farmer said.
You are the farmer, your thoughts are the neighbours.
Protip: never invite your neigbours into your house for some tea.
>>17773845
thanks that helped me visualizing
>>17773817
More new age babble. Meditation is not going to help cure or treat a mental psychosis. It may help with stress and it may make you feel more centered but the root mental disease isnt affected.
>>17773883
Yes, and destroying your brain with foreign chemicals is REALLY going to help it too.
>>17773883
Government shill detect.
So how is working for the Government , do they pay good money or is like any other shitty job?
I don't know why you're not fair
I give you my love, but you don't care
So what is right and what is wrong?
Gimme a sign
>>17773405
"Donnie Darko."
"I know, right?"
>>17773405
Goddamn, Your story makes way too much sense to me, it actually happens to me from time to time also, except the hell part (I think I'm where I should be).
I say you should fucking go for it man. Forget reason, this shit is much deeper than logic itself.
I'd only advise for updating your girl about all this, and I think this post you made is the best one for it, justr screencap it and send to her.
It happened to me before as well, a huge urge to do something that doesn't sit well on logic alone. Just as you said, nothing actually bad happened to you and neither to me and I do feel it's because of this spiritual thing we have. If it is, just fucking go, I can guarantee you you are going to end up better than you are now.
>>17773538
No op. Its not worth it, you have to be an incredibly grounded person to be able to delve in and out of these things to still function normal in society.
Just chillax and live your life, don't complicate things by trying to understand.
You never catch the dragon
>>17773548
Isn't that the message that people report after doing ayahuasca?
>>17775617
Its not just about love. Don't get tangled in words
>>17773405
Your story remind me of myself from about 2 years ago, although my experience was not quite as intense. I hate to say this but things probably won't go back to how they were. I know that's the last thing I wanted to hear when I was in your shoes. But you can come back as something new. Maybe not as happy, but stronger for sure. It will take great mental fortitude, as well as compassion for yourself, to get you out of this. God speed OP.
It comes along with the experimenting with drugs after a few of my trips my grasp on reality has loosened very much
>>17773416
https://youtu.be/UI5PndCwk6s?t=20s
Did you try the message handwriten?
Anyways, many people say world is ilusion. Like a battle of wills. The strongest the will of one person the more will obliterate the others. "God", "our creator", whatever you call it... has the strongest will. Thats why you see this world allways the same (like no morphing).
But who knows... i can tell you i am very real. But sometimes i feel like you, that something is wrong with this world. That i dont fit in it and i want to live in here.
There is something that happened when ive been born, its a deep feeling that ive been thrown in here because a punishment. Something wrong that ive done before this life and i have to pay it in here. Ive been very angry when i was a baby. And women saying that i was beautiful just pissed me off, because i thought "heck, im a fetus, how am i suposed to be beautiful?".
In the end, you create your own reality. You want it to be a nice place? You do it. You want it to be a chaotic one? you do it. You want it to be a "dream" and you want to seek to leave it? You do it.
Dont forget that you been abusing drugs and probably they damaged your brain... and it is creating all these feelings. Probably.
Remember that our soul (if you believe in it) is attached to your body. Your body is your vehicle, if you damage it there is nothing your soul can do about it until you die.
>>17775587
This. You are young and full of hubris and you need to trust that you won't ever discover the "truth" that you - and everyone, to some degree - really wants.
Drop out of college if you feel like it isn't for you, but don't feel like life is some sort of all or nothing scenario. You can work and live a normal comfortable life and still explore the ideas that you want to.
>>17773405
pic of bomb of exploded at planet of:_"\_ Jupiter _/"_:-_ ... holy fuk! size of larger than of planet of:_"\_ Earth _/"_:-_ .
Since of Mericans of living of an exigency/emergency of a technology so I am of communication of spiel of technology of text of:_"-------\_
Three/3 communications/explanations/informations/texts of a technology:
1/One: body muscle movement caused/since of energies at human caused/since of energies sent from machines far of miles/kilometers;
and/or/an-other-communication of 2/Two: human of technology of machines...machines transmit/send energy...energy at/striked/hitting metals in human...metals moved/arranged...so/causing/thus...electricity of in of body so...body muscle flexing of human of living of tensing/slackening of muscle;
and/or/an-other-communication of 3/Three: STIMULATION OF BODY-MOVING/LIKE-SENSE SINCE OF ELECTRICITY OF CAUSED OF IN OF BODY SINCE 1. tiny metals in human 2. metals moved since of energies striked/hitting metals 3. energies sent/from machine far/distant/not-close/no-nearness of miles.
_/-------"_:-_
I got/received a text of communication/question/ask of technology of body muscle flexing caused of energies of machines far of miles:_"\_ Everyone knows this already. How do you fix it. _/"_:-_ . I am of communication/answer/reply of letter of word of language of text of:_"\_ Humans of policing/military live of:_[\_ slackening/tensing of muscles of earlier and later of slackening/tensing of muscles since of brain of body of since of human of living of brain of body of since of sense/sensation of communication/text/speech of computer program software of language of words of anything/everything/eachthing/allthings of human of living of _{-\_[-\_ slackening/tensing of muscles of earlier and later of slackening/tensing of muscles _/-]_{--\_[--\_ and _/--]_ and _[--\_ or _/--]_/--}_[-\_ flexing of muscles so of living of muscle of nearer and and or farther of muscle _/-]_/-}_/]_:-_/"_:-_
>>17773405
>lol :) Yep you're halfway there; enlightenments just a little bit further.
>>17775587
BULLSHIT NIGGER!!!
To his first statement ya I totally agree.
You can understand, its fucking sweet.
I CAUGHT THAT BITCH!
>>17773405
>as many perspectives as possible on this
Ah, that line. I haven't heard it in a long while. Brings back memories.
I haven't read your post or your thread, OP, but I have a feeling you'll be just fine. Make the jump.
>>17776852
Ok anon
>>17777291
>Remember I am one of those skulls and so much more!
>>17773405
lol holy shit op you kinda described what happened to me the past couple months.
I would say its the stuff you learned on your acid trip making you think this way.
You'll be fine. There is no meaning to life and thats okay. Theres nothing wrong to concentrate on your goals in 'this world' you should feel lucky for having the opportunity to live.
As for your love I'd say just go for it, nothing bad is going to happen. If it doesn't work out just fuck it and move on, you could probably stay friends.
If you're genuinely concerned go get a professional opinion.
Sorry for being off topic if I am.
Good Luck OP know that you're not alone.
>>17777300
At least finf a pic without a watermark
>>17773405
If you're being sincere, try this again later today. We are being raided by some qts trying to get our "get".
