>write a story based off a picture
The scout reached the shore. His sight met the most ghastly beasts in the ocean. The towering Nazi soldiers looked upon him with their Crimson eyes filled with apathy to something insignificant as him, and the seagulls.
So this was the new weapon they had been talking about, no platoon could take them down, but they had a trick up their sleeves themselves, one that might win the war.
ayy lmao
>>17693086
Don't quit your dayjob
>>17693086
giant robo nazis are the only way to beat the jews in their true form
god speed robo friends
>>17693086
>The scout reached the shore.
So far so good. Not the best opener but it isn't terrible.
>His sight met the most ghastly beasts in the ocean.
This needs to be reworded. Same concept, different structure.
>The towering Nazi soldiers looked upon him with their Crimson eyes filled with apathy to something insignificant as him, and the seagulls.
Add a short sentence to link this sentence to the one before it. Crimson should not be capitalized. Consider putting the part about the scout being insignificant as a separate sentence; I'd normally suggest dropping it outright but the comparison between the scout and seagulls has potential.
>So this was the new weapon they had been talking about, no platoon could take them down, but they had a trick up their sleeves themselves, one that might win the war.
This needs clarification. Remove "so" from the beginning. Turn the first "they" into who mentioned the Nazi weapons and make it into its own sentence or use a semicolon instead of a comma.
**This is bullshit. How did I get stuck patrolling THIS sector? This fucking sucks.** ,Private Erickson fumed silently as he slowly plodded along behind the dunes, which concealed the ocean, only a distant, dull roar and smell in the air, from his perspective. He took care to step only in the areas with grass growing, to make walking easier. At one point along the patrol route, there was a gap in the dunes. As he came to it, he noted that the fog that had been concealing anything more than 30 to 40 yards away had lifted somewhat. Upon seeing what it revealed, however, he decided he preferred the fog.
Four gargantuan, bipedal robots stared down at Joseph Erickson, who, for the first time in his life, felt fear for it. He noted with terror the distinct features on the walkers that identified them as a creation of the Third Reich; The red armbands, and the helmets of three, along with the cap of the fourth. The capped one, appearing to be in charge, seemed to be evaluating him. Two of his apparent subordinates appeared to be looking for potential threats. One, however, was squinting at Joseph. All four had bright and ominous red eyes. As he took in this sight, all the simple man of 26 years, a native of Oklahoma, could do was wish that he had gotten around to finishing his latest letter home sooner.
>>>/qst/
This isn't an RP board
>>17693198
>RP
>lack of personal pronouns
How fucking stupid are you?
>>17693189
I have a feeling you wrote this on your phone; the format is a mess. However, I like what you wrote.
>**This is bullshit. How did I get stuck patrolling THIS sector? This fucking sucks.** ,Private Erickson fumed silently as he slowly plodded along behind the dunes, which concealed the ocean, only a distant, dull roar and smell in the air, from his perspective.
This is a clunky sentence. Rewrite everything after "dunes" into a new sentence. No comma necessary at the beginning because the thought is a complete sentence. Using asterisks to frame a thought isn't standard but you can't use italics on 4chan without jumping through hoops so you get a pass on that.
>He took care to step only in the areas with grass growing, to make walking easier.
You're better off dropping this sentence.
>At one point along the patrol route, there was a gap in the dunes.
This is fine.
>As he came to it, he noted that the fog that had been concealing anything more than 30 to 40 yards away had lifted somewhat.
This is fine.
>Upon seeing what it revealed, however, he decided he preferred the fog.
This is fine.
>Four gargantuan, bipedal robots stared down at Joseph Erickson, who, for the first time in his life, felt fear for it.
This is fine.
>He noted with terror the distinct features on the walkers that identified them as a creation of the Third Reich; The red armbands, and the helmets of three, along with the cap of the fourth.
Fix the capitalization after the semicolon and you're fine.
>The capped one, appearing to be in charge, seemed to be evaluating him.
I'd suggest being more descriptive, though.
>Two of his apparent subordinates appeared to be looking for potential threats.
As above.
>One, however, was squinting at Joseph. All four had bright and ominous red eyes.
Good.
>As he took in this sight, all the simple man of 26 years, a native of Oklahoma, could do was wish that he had gotten around to finishing his latest letter home sooner.
Good.
>>17693198
Bad anon.
>>17693086
As a latch ditch effort, I jammed the blade into the back of this young god, risen from his foggy slumber.Though from what it seemed, not even that had any effect on the prince. I should've realized that relic was useless when I sliced the very tendons holding his arms together. They remained whole, yet leaking a crimson blood, running faster than which the eye could keep up. I thought I came on this expedition ready, a modern Alexander the great. Those dreams went from broken shatters to dust when he turned towards ,e. ever so slowly. It was then I knew without a shadow of doubt, I was "Fucked".
>>17693253
>This is bullshit. How did i get stuck patrolling THIS sector? This fucking sucks.
Private Erickson fumed silently as he slowly plodded along behind the dunes. The mounds of sand, left in piles by the ceaseless winds along the coastline, masked the ocean; the only indication that it was there at all was the distant, dull roar of crashes waves and a scent of fish and salt. At one point along the path his patrol route followed, there was a short gap in the dunes, which would have allowing him to see the beach, if he'd been able to see anything that far away through the fog. As he came to the gap, he noted that the fog had lifted somewhat, but upon seeing what was revealed, he decided he preferred the fog over the beach.
Four gargantuan, bipedal robots stared down at Joseph Erickson, who, for the first time in his life, felt fear for it. He noted with terror the distinct features on the walkers that identified them as a creation of the Third Reich; the red armbands, and the helmets of three, along with the cap of the fourth, which was also the closest to him. It silently gave him an expressionless look, one that sent shivers down his spine. He got the feeling it was evaluating him; why was a lone soldier alone, on patrol, HERE, of all places? Two of the others, further back, slowly scanned the horizon, as if looking for something, possibly any threats from the various naval and air stations, of which there were many along this stretch of coastline. The third, which was second in their vaguely defined file, leered at Joseph with squinted eyes, which betrayed obvious distaste and hatred for him. They all shared the same eyes; bright red, ovular, and colder than the icy, damp wind that had twice kept Joseph under the care of medical professionals for severe Pneumonia. As Joseph took in the sight that lay before him, all the simple man of 26 years, a native of Oklahoma, could do was wish that he had gotten around to finishing his latest letter home sooner.
>>17693189
This was better, by far.
>>17693286
>As a latch ditch effort, I jammed the blade into the back of this young god, risen from his foggy slumber.
Remove the commas to increase the pace.
>Though from what it seemed, not even that had any effect on the prince.
Remove the first half of the sentence. Again, pacing.
>I should've realized that relic was useless when I sliced the very tendons holding his arms together.
Remove "tendons".
>They remained whole, yet leaking a crimson blood, running faster than which the eye could keep up.
Remove "yet" and "which", then add "with" at the end of the sentence.
>I thought I came on this expedition ready, a modern Alexander the great.
Capitalize "Great".
>Those dreams went from broken shatters to dust when he turned towards ,e. ever so slowly.
",e." should be "me,".
>It was then I knew without a shadow of doubt, I was "Fucked".
Write it as fucked.
Good work.
>>17693313
This is much better. I'll only point out what could use changing this time to save space.
For starters, paragraphs. Learn to love them. If Erickson thinks, start a new paragraph. If the subject, scene, or focus changes, start a new paragraph.
Pneumonia should not be capitalized. "the simple man of 26 years" works better as "that simple man of 26 years".
Good job.
>>17693382
Thank you for the advice.
Is there a specific board for writing? We have boards for photography and artwork, but i can't see one for writers such as myself.
>>17693398
No problem.
Writethreads are somewhat rare on 4chan and not even /lit/ has them often. It's easier to just find/make an /x/ writethread or post your work in a creepypasta thread.
Don't use these roll sheets when making a thread unless you want 80% of your thread to be rolls and shitposting, though.
>>17693452
Rolling.
ur finally here
why can't I get outta here
?
>>17693477
Rerolling because that's a stupid fucking topic to write about.
>>17693487
You got disembowellment if you can't see pic deleted anymore
I won't ever know with certainty by what force the people of Arkham were driven about their daily lives, once Rl'yeh rose from its hellish depths.
If it was insanity, was it of the same origin of that which inspired the ever-increasing stone-circled rituals in the months prior? Or was it more internal; the human minds desperate attempt to reject what it could never hope to comprehend?
It was as if the mist that now covered our world also covered their minds.
Surely they were at least aware of the mist, right? What good does it do any of them to pretend the weather is what it is not? To force through their teeth such falsities?
And surely when the mist parted they could see that great and hulking harbinger, and further into the ocean the immense and cyclopian city that defied everything our world once was?
My god, why would no one aknowledge the impossibility of it? Or at the very least, it's presence?
>>17693086
>"Ah yez, ze NA-Z1 model is compeltz!"
>*giant fucking robot noises*
>"Yez, zats right. Zend zem zis way."
Meanwhile in Jewland
>"Oi Vey. He's revived..."
>"Who Mr. Sheklestien?"
>"Ultra Mecha Hitler..."
>>17693583
The comma goes before the l in R'lyeh. Cyclopean uses an e. Props for using it correctly, too.
Good job.
>>17693649
Thanks for the tips.
>>17693672
You're welcome.
[spoiler]I meant apostrophe oh man[/spoiler]
It was foretold that the demon's arrival would mark the beginning of the End. Its arrival would be the first of many, serving as warning for the rest that would soon follow.
It was foretold that the damned beast would arrive in this holy city on this particular day. He'd been waiting for a long time - had been raised to meet this moment with a stony-faced preparedness his fellow humans would not be able to match.
It was foretold that many would die in the initial onslaught, and only his mortal might, hand guided by God himself, could hope to end it quickly.
What was not foretold was that the demon would have a second fucking face where his ass should be.
What the fuck, man. Not cool. Warn a guy, would you?
>>17693086
Gee thats real bad
Sunday, Patagonia
Papa likes to talk about how he survived the Polar War hiding in a Mission belltower near the shores of Southern Chile. He says he was still a bird in those days, whatever that means. I don't believe the parts about the giant Nazi robots at all but truth be told. Papa still has to die before I can get his money so I mostly just nod and smile when prattles on about them. It's probably the medicine.
The End.
>>17693989
The soldier was so concerned with the giant nazi robots coming out of the sea, his eyes didn't even glance at the true danger that was right in front of him:
a 4 foot tall killer seagull
I mean look at that thing compared to the man.
It has to be at least 4 feet tall. It could rip his face off.
Still around Mr. Creepypasta Editor Man?
>>17693086
Baby always liked to swing. Swinging in his mother's arms, swaying on the wind on his swingset, spinning on tire sets. However, baby was not just the only one who liked swinging. Doggy also loved swinging in the air, after all, he never did complain once.
>>17693816
This would work better if you kept up the anaphora.
"It was not foretold that the demon etc etc." Put the last sentence directly after the prior sentence to keep the stanza pattern from being broken.
>>17693989
Good job.
>>17694974
"on the wind" should be "in the wind".
Make the end of the last sentence (after all, etc etc.) into its own sentence as-is.
Good job.
>>17695472
Hey, if I shoot you some fresh OC - would you critique it and give me your thoughts?
>>17695614
Paste away.
>>17695623
An incoherent noise marches onwards, muffled by the walls, the distance, or possibly both. The sound emanates, briefly pauses, and then repeats.
THUM… THUM… THUM…
Much like the beating of a heart, it is seemingly ceaseless. But what is it really? The tireless efforts of a mad man, driving a sledge hammer repeatedly into an impenetrable wall? The slow and methodical steps of a gigantic, lumbering beast? Perhaps it is the echoing of some sort of machine? A machine that is constantly, relentlessly pounding… But to what end? One can only imagine.
THUM… THUM… THUM…
>>17693484
spooky math
>>17695631
>An incoherent noise marches onwards, muffled by the walls, the distance, or possibly both. The sound emanates, briefly pauses, and then repeats.
Change "noise" into "sound". The second sentence has a good concept but it can be fortified; a sound that pauses would pick up where it left off, suggesting that it's a sustained sound or tone. Consider changing it to something along the lines of "the sound continuously emanated and died out".
>THUM… THUM… THUM…
Good use of onomatopoeia. Don't place a space after ellipses, though.
>A machine that is constantly, relentlessly pounding… But to what end? One can only imagine.
As above. No space after ellipses...but becomes lowercase because it connects with the phrase before it.
The rest is fine as-is.
Good job.
>>17695712
Thank you!
>>17695764
No problem. Keep at it and make yourself proud.
