I hope you guys don't mind me posting this here but this is something I thought would be fun. It might not match the general tone of this board that well, so I promise not to bump it myself unless other people start to do so, so do feel free to sage/ignore and let this slide off the catalog if you don't want to participate. I just figured many of us here would be cynical to say the least about the present state of vidya as a whole and a topic like this might be a good way to vent some frustration. So without further ado...
You are now, as of this moment, a video game "journalist," but here's the twist: you have just been teleported back in time to anywhere between the early 80's to the very early 2000's. It is, however, still your job to say something about a retro game. It can be any kind of comment about any retro game, just as long as it sounds like something a "real" video game "journalist" would say about the game nowadays if they were around back then. I'll go first:
>Sonic the Hedgehog 3 was supposed to be an ambitious title, but ironically it fails to amount to anything more than a mediocre experience marked by excessive problematic gameplay, cinematic elements too few and far between, an utter lack of tutorials, and last but not certainly least the appalling lack of representation of literally any other gender than binary-conforming heteronormative males.
Also I guess we could use this thread to post annoyances or grievances we might have with how things have changed in gaming and talk about the reasons why we prefer retro games.
> Slow movement speed, excessive random encounters, and bad balance keep pokemon red and blue from being must buys. Lack of ability to choose your gender also does the already lackluster experience no favors.
>Nintendo of America apologizes for racist character in "Kirby Super Star" in response to fan backlash
>>3345819
>Konami's latest attempt at a platforming game "Yume Penguin Monogatari" is nothing more than a fat-shaming mediocre attempt at a good game, with the only representation of women being a damsel in distress trope adhering penguin.
>Pokemon Crystal, the latest game in the hit Pokemon franchise, has introduced the possibility to play as a girl. Many fans applauded the addition. Some, however, haven't been impressed. Me, for example. You can be a boy or a girl, but not an attack helicopter? Where's my gender?! BOYCOTT NINTENDO!
>When I received my review copy of Sonic and Knuckles from Sega of America I was excited, at first. I thought, "great, I'll try this out tomorrow morning and have my positi -- er, unbiased -- review and my pre-determ -- I mean, negotia -- that is, authentic -- rating ready before breakfast." Then I attempted to "lock-on" to Sonic 3, and that's when the whole world came crashing down. I realized Sonic 3 is the "male" game and Sonic and Knuckles is the "female" game, and connecting them together was literally an intimate sexual act. And I knew I had no way of knowing if Sonic and Knuckles had given her prior written consent. Horrified, I lost control of my body and began convulsing uncontrollably, unable to do anything other than watch helplessly as both games slid out of my hands in slow motion and landed noisily on the floor. I lied awake in bed all night, too upset to sleep, wondering why my job is so hard and why my audience sucks so bad -- which they must if they actually want to play such sexist, misogynistic garbage. Suffice to say that trying to use Sega's sexist "lock-on" "feature" was traumatic, it triggered my PTSD and I was completely unable to play the game. In conclusion, I find it impossible to recommend Sonic and Knuckles to anyone, ever. There is no debate to be had -- it doesn't matter about the game's content -- if Sega wishes to perpetuate rape culture and violence against women, then Sega might as well be over. Sega doesn't have to be your audience anymore, fellow gamers; Sega is dead, and that's really great news.
I saw there were a few replies so I'm posting a second time, apparently in an effort to put the "awe" in autism -- as in, I sometimes (ie, after writing the above) find myself in awe at the depth of my own autism.I spent hours on that.I have enjoyed reading what you guys have come up with thus far, though. Please keep 'em coming.
>Although Alien Soldier opens with a great story, it completely drops the ball after the opening text scrawl. As an eaglekin myself, I understand that us bird-people are sorely underrepresented in gaming today, but this is not the redemption us homo avians have been waiting for. Throwing away this intense story for another typical male-power fantasy Mega Man-clone seems like such a waste. I mean, I played at least three levels without seeing a single cut scene! Instead, I was just rewarded with more and more childish and unnecessary go-right-while-shooting "gameplay." Needless to say, I sold my copy in the Freebies section of the paper the very next day, the profits of which I plan to use to buy bulk sunflower seeds and earthworms from the local Petco to help fuel my noble fight for proper birdpresentation.
