Star Wars Episode VII is the most dissapointing thing since Star Wars Episode III. How do you managae to keep fucking up the franchise even after you dumped George Lucas *picture of Lucas in a bin*
JJ Abrams is supposed to be a competent action director, he'd be a safe pair of hands who'd learn from the mistakes of the prequels: no excessive poetry *video of the new death star*, no bad CGI characters *video of Maz and Snoke* and no pointless crap filling the screen *video of X-wing battle clusterfuck*
"It's so dense, every single frame-"
FUCK YOU, you didn't even work on this movie.
=Part 1: The Plot=
So after the obligatory spaceship opening, the movie begins with some guy talking to a guy about a map. I guess it's supposed to be mysterious or something, but we know it's a map to Luke Skywalker because it says so in the opening crawl *video of opening crawl*. Now, in this movie, Luke Skywalker is what we in the movie business call *the word "Maguffin" appears on screen* a McGoofin'. A McGoofin' is an object or place the characters need to find to advance the plot, and it usually doesn't matter what the McGoofin' actually is, it's just there to get the story going. So when you make THE MAIN CHARACTER OF THE ORIGINAL TRILOGY a Macguffin, it means they can't appear in most of the movie.
In his Star Trek movies, JJ didn't have a problem showing us old Spock again... and again *several clips of old Spock*. And to make that work he had to invent some crap about a parallel universe or something. He doesn't have to do that here, Luke's right fucking there PUT HIM IN THE FUCKING MOV-
=Part 2: Everything=
[continues for 1 hour 20 minutes]
I bet you both Mike and Jay end up liking it, though they'll acknowledge it's derivative, but excuse it because they recognize there's a tremendous amount of pressure on disney not to fuck it up.
Also, there will be no Mr. Plinkett review.
>>63737527
Why are people trying this hard to stand out.
The film was good and you know it was.
You laughed at the funny scenes and you were amazed at the scale of the movie and the chases too
>>63737570
Mike did like Jurassic world, so who knows
>>63737570
>[continues for 1 hour 20 minutes]
I wish. If only Mike hadn't lost his will to do stuff other than drinking and gargling LA faggot pozzy cum.
It will be just as disappointing as the new Star Trek reviews. Guaranteed.
They liked Jew Jew’s Star Trek, they'll like this.
>>63737640
I think it's because he didn't really care about Titanic or whatever and didn't haven't the drive like he had for the old Star Wars and Star Trek reviews. Got roped into putting a lot of effort into reviews he didn't want to do, so I'm not surprised he's given up now.
>>63737570
There has to be a Plinkett review. He did Plinkett reviews of the trailers for Christ's sake. And reviewed Abrams's Star Trek even though he liked that.
>>63738205
Won't be until well after it's been released on home video. HITB will have to suffice until then.
>>63738240
It'll probably never been made because Disney is very iffy with people using footage of their products.
>>63737570
> but excuse it because they recognize there's a tremendous amount of pressure on disney not to fuck it up
Why is this an excuse? It's fucking disney, they can hire 100 of the best screenwriters in the world to make it the best possible film
>>63738933
>Why is this an excuse?
Because it's fucking Star Wars, and it's fans are crazy, plus announcing a sequel instantly puts hype levels through the roof. This is basically disney playing it save, and introducing small, new ideas and seeing how the critics/fans react to it. The sequel will be more different.
If they only do a HITB of the movie and not a plinkett review I am officially done with these fucks.
>>63738933
>they can hire 100 of the best screenwriters in the world to make it the best possible film
They don't want the best film, they want the most profitable film, and it seems like JJ delivered.
Honestly he left Rian in a great position: the first movie brought people back to the Star Wars universe, but left them wanting more. Now as long as Rian comes up with something clever and decently directed fans will be all over it.
>>63739071
Do they even watch films anymore? There's been so many big films this year they haven't done HITB for
RLM are fucking terrible.
>>63737527
Read this in Plinkett's voice
http://vocaroo.com/i/s1MvJuN1Koqx
>>63739314
based xDD
>>63737527
FUCK YOU RICK BERMAN
>>63738933
>they can hire 100 of thbest screenwriters in the world
this is EXACTLY why disney will never make something as good as ANH or ESB. Hiring 100 good screenwriters does not make something great, it makes it enjoyable and profitable. Commitees and big budgets are good at turning profits and pleasing audiences, but shit at hitting the real cultural phenomenon notes in the way Lucas and a bunch of nobodies did with Star Wars.
>>63741595
>it makes it enjoyable and profitable
oh no
>>63737570
Mike even said in his predictions video from a month or two ago he's expecting it to be a safe retread of ANH
He's guaranteed to like it
mike will probably like it desu senpai
>Almost 2016
>Expecting Hollywood to make something original
>Expecting Star Wars to not be the same fucking generic bullshit every single time
Holly shit, if you had aspiration in this movie I feel bad for you
>>63739314
AwesomeYou fucked up Part 2 though :^)
How mad will /tv/ be when this movie makes 2 billion?
>>63737581
he liked it because it was fun and aware of what it was. star wars is nothing but a new hope remake. he's gonna think its mediocre at best
>>63739314
Pretty much how I imagined it. I'm saving this.
t. OP
>>63741635
>He's guaranteed to like it
Not necessarily.
I have no idea how they'll like it. They hated Into Darkness and this is as bad imo.
>>63742053
Having actually seen the movie, while there are definitely paralells to ANH there's actually a fair amount of new plot elements beside the top level happenings like 'leave desert planet, blow up death star'
it's nowhere near as much of a direct rehash as Into Darkness was, and most of the direct in your face references are small gags(finn accidentally turns on the stop motion hologram table on the falcon, and he picks up that training ball while sifting through some junk)
Personally I think /tv/ is overreacting about the similarities. It's undeniable there are valid parallels to be drawn between the movies but only at a relatively superficial top down perspective, and they aren't anywhere near as obvious in the actual execution of the plot
>>63742152
they aren't anywhere near as obvious in the actual execution of the plot
Yeah blowing up a death star with x wings isn't obvious recycling at all.
>>63742506
That was effectively a b-plot going on while the main focus was kylo, finn and rey lightsaber battling on the death star planet
Like I said, the execution was different. It's not beat for beat the same thing as ANH
>>63741985
RLM have been shilling for Abrams for years.
>YFW mike hates the death star, snoke and BB-8 giving the thumbs up
Mike likes trash like Jurassic World. Of course he'll like Star Wars 7. He has no standards.
Jay will agree with him whether or not he initially likes the movie in the review, as per usual for that beta.
>>63744156
>Jay will agree with him whether or not he initially likes the movie in the review, as per usual for that beta.
Except for, you know, all the times he hasn't agreed with him. Like Jurassic World for example, which you actually referenced.
>inb4 "but he said it was the worst in the obviously inflammatory intro and then followed it up by saying it wasn't the worst"
Yeah, no shit. They exagerrate for their intros on literally every review.
