how is this fucking legal?
>I'm sorry, but this a children's movie and tonight it's parents with a child only. You can come back on friday.
I'm still fucking furious.
>>63047918
Stop being a manchild?
>>63047918
what did you try to see?
This threads gonna go far.
>>63047918
you gotta come back with your parents
Why is the movies theater meme and it's submemes the greatest thing this board has to offer? Literally GOAT threads every time.
>>63047918
I feel you, OP. Went in to catch a flick with my falcon today, and got told about the No Simians Policy. Even worse, she still went in and she came back covered in eagle cum. We still haven't said a word to eachother.
>>63047918
Just go have yourself a cry in the cinema showers, friend.
iktf bro I was in the atrium near the theater showers desperately going through my contacts list when the children who catch the crabs started harassing me. These movie theater staff are out of control
Did you get the pre-pass? It should have a 22b on it. If you have anything else, ya dun goofed and you deserve it.
You should bring your falcon and tell them it's your kid.
>>63047918
go to a different theatre, what were u trying to see anyway
That's a thing? Where? The States?
Stop shooting up your theatres and maybe they'll go easier on you guys.
Thankfully, I can always have some father-son bonding time my wife's black son, so this has never been a problem for me
>mfw they lock me in the singles containment entertainment coffin
needs more airholes desu
>>63047918
I smell a new meme
Parents with children only nights will go far
>>63048648
The best thing about doing is that all the kids and their parents will love you for providing family-friendly entertainment during the dance intermission.
That is of course assuming you're properly trained your falcon but then again who hasn't
Post an ad on Craigslist looking for a small monkey. You could invite the owner as well, so long as they provide the bananas. You could masquerade as a gay couple, with an abnormal child. I doubt they could really do anything about it.
I think private businesses should be able to turn away anyone they want for any reason without legal consequences.
For better or worse, the market will sort itself out in the end.
>local theater has a no childless males policy
>really, really want to see the martian
>pay a short bum to trick the ticketslave
>pass inspections, buy some lard and enter the auditorium
>it's an autism friendly viewing
>there are intermittent flashing lights, and the movie is dubbed with beautiful chirping bird songs
>there are also subtitles for the adults
>autistic children run around, while a sign lights up which says, "do not touch autistic children, even if they touch you"
>not that bad of an experience
>completely forget about the bum, until I look over and see his schizophrenic mind breaking down from the stress of the experience
>autistic children dancing everywhere, as the martian delivers an emotional speech and the birds chirp more melodiously than ever
>bum snaps, grabs one of the kids and breaks his back over his knee
>I start freaking out as the bum is snapping autists left and right
>theater manager comes in
>"Sir, is this your son?"
>"No."
>get sentenced to coal duty in the boiler room and fined 50 pushups for lying
Didn't see the whole movie, but I made it through about two thirds of it. I'd give it a 7/10.
>>63047918
Be glad he didn't call the cops pedo
>>63048812
>really, really want to see the martian
you lost me there.
>>63047918
It's the opposite at my theater.
>Go to see Inside Out
>Sit down with my crab legs after the showers
>Fucking kids everywhere
>A security guard comes in and blows a whistle
>Telsl everyone that has a child under 18 with them that they have to leave
>Awwww yeah, I forgot it was an Adult Viewing Only day
Life is good, sometimes.
>>63048808
I completely agree
but if youre wrong and fuck up the repercussion from being racist can be dire, jewelry store in my area locked its doors when a black guy came buy, found out later when cops came hes the most paid nba star for the bucks team
This is why i just torrent all my movie
>>63048880
>taking a shower before eating crablegs
Next you'll tell you didn't take your mandatory waffle stomp
>>63048903
Going to the movies isn't just about seeing the movie itself, its about the comprehensive experience, cinema goblins and all
>>63048758
>actually using the dance intermission
I just use it as a half hour break to check 4chan, anyone who actually dances in public is an autist
>>63048991
Last time I tried to sit out the dance intermission I got fined $3000 plus tip and sentenced to twelve months forced labor in the popcorn mines.
>>63048991
here in my city they give a discount on mice if you dance
>adult men going to see kids movies in a theater alone
>>63048991
You can skip that? Where I live, the cinema paramilitary soldiers sit in the projector room and take shots into the crowd when someone refuses to dance.
>>63048991
My local cinéma has no internet access since you could easily google who the designated cinéma shooter for the day is. Would take away all the suspence.
Don't know what kind of weird establishment you visit but doesn't sound like fun at all
>>63049033
>popcorn mines.
>>63048949
>not showing before and after the movie
You fucking pig.
>>63049033
same thing happened to me but I got my sentence commuted in exchange for signing up to go to the arctic to catch crabs. worst 2 years of my life.
>>63047918
what kind of an adult goes to the cinema to watch a childrens movie without taking a child?
if it were my cinema id permanently ban you for trying, you pedo.
>>63049079
They're pretty shitty. They basically take popcorn kernels and mix them into topsoil and make you dig them out.
>>63049084
*showering
>>63049079
Sometimes parts of the cinema farms collapse into sinkholes, so in order to recoup the lost corn they started digging popcorn mines.
>>63048987
No it fucking isn't it, are you one of those retarded people who buys into these stupid gimmicks like where you get served food and champagne while watching the movie.
>>63048903
Its a reddit9k meme thread lad
>>63049155
>>63049123
Holy shit this is insanity
>>63049190
At least I'm in a landlocked state and sending me off to the crabbing fleets isn't economical. I feel bad for >>63049098
>>63048812
You still have coal powered theaters? Holy shit, where do you live? West Virginia?
>>63047918
>want to see zootopia
>only allowed in the exclusively-adults theater
w-wish me luck guys
>>63049292
>mfw the theater is powered by a human sized hamster wheel driven by people who violated the no singles policy
don't tell anyone family
>>63049157
You do realize the reason there are no singles policies is because of the candlelit 7 course dinner, right?
>>63049328
Don't tell anyone? Who the hell doesn't know about the beta wheels?
How do you guys get your popcorn ready in time for the movie? I usually get their about 20 mins early to harvest my corn crops but the film always ends before they're ready and have to start again.
>>63049292
>>63049328
Theater I go to switched to a wood-burning power system. Those who don't tip enough are forced to chop the wood.
>really want to see Ant-Man, i've loved Ant-Man since i've been a kid, used to read all the comics, i'm a real nerd about it
>turn up in my homemade Ant-Man costume (papier mache and cardboard and duct tape)
>go to the concessions stand, qt serving girl laughs at me, starts asking me if i'm here to ruin the picnic etc.
>clench my fists and grit my teeth as i order my litre cup of gatorade
>buy a conventional ticket, you know so i can sit in the direct middle of the room and get a great view of the screen without worrying about aisle ghouls
>the ushers and their service midgets actually mistake me for an ant because of my convincing costume
>get directed into the ant stands
>have to sit through the film in the middle of an ants nest in the ants stands, ants keep biting my dick and balls, probably in protest because i'm blocking the screen
>have to leave early because dick and balls so red and swollen and painful
>turns out serving girl thought i was actually an ant as well and she's just a prejudiced antophobic cunt
>sue for racism, get £500
better than expected desu, film was a solid 8.1/10
>>63049435
>buy a conventional ticket, you know so i can sit in the direct middle of the room and get a great view of the screen without worrying about aisle ghouls
fucking kek
>>63049410
Heres a tip; if you're ever in the popcorn mines, make sure to smuggle a few kernels out inside your rectal cavity. The falcons on duty rarely check, and you can go home and reheat them at your leisure.
>>63047918
Holy shit thats the northgate mall movie theater!
>It's Jammies Day
EVERY. FUCKING. TIME.
>>63048808
LOCAL theaters are not PRIVATE businesses you dumb fuck
Anyone else's local theatre not have soap or shampoo in the showers? It's so annoying when I get shunted in there by an usher for the post-dance intermission shower and I either have to pay the kikes 4.50 shekels for soap or just spray myself with lukewarm water like an animal. Pisses me the fuck off.
>really want to see Free Willy 3: Just Let Him Go because Michael Jackson's ghost is doing the soundtrack
>ticket finally comes in the mail 5 minutes after the showing started and the delivery boy still demands a tip
>finally get there and realize in my rush I forgot the trash bag for my dry clothes
>try to hide them in the corner so I can watch in my swimsuit without them getting soaked
>after the movie, turns out some curtain crones put them in their cauldron and now they're all soaked
flick was pretty good 6/10
>>63049672
I didn't know we could buy shampoo. I usually just use lard to clean myself or I go into the "bullpen" and wait until tyrone is done with one of my sisters so I can scrape his seed off the floor and use that. #lifehacks
>>63049672
You should bring soap in form home in a labeless bottle. When you're going through the security checkpoints, just tell them it's special popcorn butter because you have a dietary restriction on the butter they serve, and even off to pay for the butter charge on your popcorn to bring it in. Most theaters don't have chemical testers yet, so they should let you through.
Buy the popcorn, pay for the butter but tell them not to put it on, and then you're good.
At worst, you might have security confiscate the bottle and put it on your popcorn to make sure, but if you picked the right shampoo, it'll actually increase the flavor, then when it's shower time you can unravel the bucket and rub it on you, using the residual butter-shampoo to clean yourself.
The last movie I ever bothered to see in a theater was Herbie Fully Loaded. let me tell you, the amount of paper work to see that piece of shit alone was staggering. They weren't gonna let me in because I only had one form a picture ID but thankfully I managed to spot one of my coworkers and by some miracle I got in. Of course I had to sit next to some blubbering little shithead kid and he was crying so much during the movie I just stood up and started pointing at him telling everyone he was a bitch cry baby. At least that got me some laughs.
tl;dr Fuck movie theaters and fuck being single.
>>63049607
>not enjoying wearing your jammies to the cinema
>>63048529
>22b
It's a 22b/6 you need.
>>63048737
That's why I smuggle in my own bags of air. They're not going to add airholes at their own expense, so you have to improvise.
>be 19 yo virginal manboi
>can usually get into the theaters during the "no parents night" showing of children's movies for half the price
>tfw you make eye contact with other manbois who took advantage of the policy
>>63049672
We have coin operated powdered soap dispensers. Those fucking things only give out, like, a tablespoon of shitty soap at a time and the price went up $1.35. Who the fuck walks around with nickles these days?
At least they serve king crab in my theater.
Anyone else just steal an old bucket from the trash and ask for a refill? I wash it out with the bubbler so it's fine. Never pay for popcorn you concession keks.
>>63049672
We don't even have showers at mine, just those little pools to prevent athletes foot at every door. I mean I understand, but having to take off your shoes to use them in order to get into a bathroom stall is a bit much.
>>63049830
I just make my buckets at home, only real snag is when I guess wrong on the ink color they're using for their daily time-stamps on the buckets.
>>63049762
>>63049762
Should've been more clear. I never remember when it's Jammies Day so everyone makes fun of me and throws shit at me.
Fuck Jammies day. At least have a sign or something Jesus Christ.
>>63049830
I don't care if its free, I'm not eating from anywhere the cinema goblins laid their eggs
>>63049830
But my cinema doesn't sell buckets of popcorn, it comes in bottles.
>>63048812
>completely forget about the bum, until I look over and see his schizophrenic mind breaking down from the stress of the experience
I lost it
>>63049880
It hurt reading that.
>>63049616
>hes still forcing his roleplaying
Kevin please stop and tend to your family.
Let me tell you, never apply for "MISTERY JOB" at your local theater. I just came back from a 12 month crabbing voyage in the North Sea.
>>63049904
no its ola
>>63049547
Chattanooga?
>>63049919
What are you, a slav or something? State governments own the local cinemas in the US except Louisiana (Napoleonic Code)
>>63049963
the real mystery is why they pell it mistery. that was my first clue something wasn't right.
>>63050060
So you can't sue for being mislead.
It technically is a job as a mistery, because your crab fishing boat is consistently riding through thick fog and mist.
>>63049943
JUST
I don't get this "crab legs" meme. Do they real serve crab legs across the pond? Every theatre I've been to serves beans on toast and milk.
>>63047918
What the fuck theater did you go to? I work at an AMC and that isn't the policy anywhere. I can't think any other theater would enforce that. Where did you go?
>>63050131
I went to a theater in europe once, all they served was halal kebabs and there was no movie playing when I got in just guys screaming LALALALALLALALALALALLALALA and shooting ak's in the air
>>63050189
Sweden I assume?
American movie theaters are CRAZY wtf dudes?
Here in Brazil the tickets are really expensive (I don't even go anymore) but there's literally none of these weird things you all mentioned.
>>63048058
Eke
>>63050284
Stop lying, we all know you have to go to confession after seeing a movie in Brazil.
>tfw the usher uses his stun rod on me after i spit kernels at the kid in front of me
>>63049157
Fuck yes I am. Most of the shit in the theater requires drinking to get through anyway.
>local cinema has a no singles policy
>have to convince my mum to come with me whenever I want to watch a film
>>63049157
>champagne
why would you order champagne? it's like you WANT to get breathalyzed you during the 1st and 3rd dance intermission?
>>63050497
Get a mummy gf
>>63050284
Puhlease, Brazil is a shithole and you expect us to believe that they don't have kernel mines?
>>63050497
>mfw took a bucket with a falcon-face painted on it with me last week
>mfw it worked
>>63050525
They definitely have butter fields. We just signed a deal for a pipeline with them.
>>63050648
>not bringing an actual falcon to make sure your popcorn doesn't get devoured in the mice intermission
>people who use the falcon perches to hang their toiletry bag
You really need to stop going to the cinema if you do that shit
