>Movie is bad
>empty my colostomy bag on the floor before I leave
>not empying a bag of live cockroaches mixed in with some dead ones
>>62938228
>Movie is bad
>Stamp my feet on the floor in tantrum until the oxygen mask comes from the ceiling
>Person behind me can't see
>movie is bad
>don't tip popcorn sweeper
>piss in theater shower
>>62938228
>movie is bad
>take a shit in the theater showers before I leave
Who /mischief/ here?
>>62938313
>not waffle stomping
>movie is bad
>I command my theater falcon to rip up the screen with his talons
>be emt
>tfw patients with colostomy bag patients tht call me to say theirs bursed.
>implying theaters have showers
>movie is bad
>meme
>movie is bad
>I try spinning
>it's a good trick
>>62938409
what do you do?
hang up and take a smoke break?
>>62938228
>Movie is bad
>Stand up out of the chair and Yell MEDIOCRE!! at the top of my lungs
>Movie is bad
>applaud at end credits, but subdued and slowly
>give the projectionist a firm handshake after watching a quality flick
best thread of the morning
>>62938391
What disability do you have to have to get a government theater falcon? I met a guy with one once but he just slapped me with his falconry glove, tipped his fedora and left
>Deliberately go to bad movies
>Sneak in an 8 pack of beer
>Buy the largest bucket of popcorn they have and get extra butter on it
>Wait until last half an hour of movie
>Drink all the beers as fast as I can
>Wait through the credits until I'm the only person left
>Puke up all of that beer (along with the three course sea food dinner I ate before the movie) onto the seat next to me
>Throw the still full bucket of popcorn in a circular arc, scattering buttery popcorn all over the theatre
>Piss in the aisle
>Sneak out through the entrance showers instead of the exit showers
That'll teach them for sullying their good Cïnémætîç's name by showing trash made for the lowest common denominator.
>movie starting
>I lean over to the empty chair next to me and in a hushed voice I huff and puff like I'm excitedly talking to a friend
>The Theater King points me out and tells me to be quiet
>I shit my ass in protest
>people start leaving as the smell becomes too much
>one woman runs out and she makes so much noise that she rattles the chicken coop and wakes all the birds up
;)
>mfw someone didn't bring his falconry glove and now all the seats are smeared with blood from his hand
>movie is bad
>I sart knocking over the reading lamps and dinner trays in the theater
>start buzzing the waiter from the seat next to me and trip him when he runs past me, spilling mousse au chocolat and prawns all over me
>make a scene
>get a free theater sauna coupon for my troubles
>beat my feet minutes before the flick starts
>the stench is putrid
>get a biscuit and a perrier from catering
>they smell my ass
>run to my seat and splat down
>start pulling the cord like crazy to let the projectionist know this is my stop
>I never get up and keep doing it while the gentleman in the seat behind me collapses from the smell
>Going to watch a movie
>Don't want to pay for a soda at the concession stand so I bring my own drinks machine
>The Romanian goat herder's widow sitting next to me is complaining about the extension cords going over her legs
>The movie is bad
>The seats aren't very sturdy so the compressor in my drinks machine is vibrating the entire row
>Cover up the drip tray and activate the ice crusher in protest
>Slide my drinks machine down the isle, produce some more ice on the ramp, climb aboard and slalom past the security to make my escape through the fire door at the front
Anyone who thinks this is funny literally has the mental capacity of a child
>>62938409
>bursed
>get there nice and early for the movie
>ticket artist tells me theater is renovating and has gone organic
>whatever get out of my way dougie
>head over to the salad bar and load up two plates with only chick peas
>top 'em with dressing
>get inside theater and see that it's completely full
>only seat available is the middle hay bale in the middle row
>ok
>people have to get up while I walk by them
>plate o' peas in each hand and trying not to step on the hermit crabs, my pants start to slide down
>literally one person left to pass
>put a pep in my step and try to hop over to my seat
>the chain on my tripp pants catches one of the fisherman's rods and my bare ass bounces in front of this woman's face
>at the same time, I move my bowels
3D is an understatement
>>62940905
>think this is funny
>laugh at your post
>realise i have the mental capacity of a child
What a silly thread.
>>62940905
Butthurt operator detected. If you didn't want your booth super-soaked with piss mixed with vinegar maybe you shouldn't charge people money for showing such god-awful flicks. Fuck you.
>>62941238
>super-soaker with piss mixed with vinegar
I tried that but Jeeves confiscated it at the door, apparently there's new house rules and you're not allowed to bring condiments less than $3 per quart any more.
Fucking kikes made me buy organic cranberry-pear-coconut balsamic vinaigrette and virgin boy egg juice to replace it with.
>>62940979
It's just r/4chan tourists
>suddently realize I'm sitting right next to the designated kino shooter
>he asks if he can have some of my crab legs
What do you do in this situation?
>>62941403
You're an American aren't you? Tell him no, and if he gets handsy, impale him with the crab legs like the founding fathers intended.
>movie is bad
>credits roll and I yell out "terrible flick fám, 1/10 it shows quentin"
>get a net thrown at me by the cinema staff
>i'm ensnared and hoisted up high on a rope
>the Theater King (it's a Regal kino) tells me I need to be a little less entitled about my movie tastes
>get a 1 year subscription to the daily mandatory viewings programs
>all the mandatory cinema passes mailed to me will be for flicks that earn the "certified Redditcore" sticker on Rotten Tomatoes
>>62938269
>not releasing a bag of rats
>>62941882
Tough break.
>>62940905
>Visiting America
>Decide to catch a film while I'm in New York, New York, New York
>There's rubber hands installed on all the seats
>Ask the man occupying the 5 seats next to me what they're for
>He says something, covering me in half-eaten enchiladas (apparently it's Tex-Mex hour)
>Just as I finish wiping myself down with the complimentary towels under the seat, the rubber hands start clapping
>This happens every time a new character appears on the screen, and the rest of the patrons scream or yell in joy, distributing more semi-masticated buffalo wings, chicken wings and eagle wings all over the place
>Complain to the manager, he hands me a 17-X L poncho and after asking me several times if I know Bono (I'm French), he tells me to "have a super-duper day, sponsored by Dairy Queen"
>>62940639
>>62940769
>>62940776
>go watch some comedy movie
>movie is bad
>try to leave within minutes
>the angered crowd join each other forming a giant wave made of people
>it grabs me and slams me back on my seat
>forms a hand, that gives me the finger before splitting into 10 pairs of smaller hands also made of people, that hold me to me seat while the projectionist laughs
>notice a few hands are jerking me off as well
>pretend I didn't notice and shoot my cummy cums anyway as the audience stars guffawing from a bad joke
>rate it 10/5 stars
>>62941403
Take his gun and shoot him while shouting "ALLAHU AKBAR".
>posts a greentext meme story more than 5 lines long
>expects me to read that
>>62942477
>i went to the cinema and it sucked so I did a poo but not 2 loo
Surreal theater posting is so based
>seeing Star Wars movie
>but not watching it
>cheap trick's dream police on loop
>since when are movie theaters standing room only?
>the usher sees my new ass
>better high tail it
>i fuck it and lose my watch key
>there's a crack on kickass anyway
>duel disc install
>>62942523
>copy down all these stories
>re write them as monologues
>assign each story to random actor
>film actor reliving these stories in a movie theatre
>?????
>profit
>tfw no colostomy bag refills at the concession stand
>>62938269
>not keeping bag of ebola in your pockets
>lose my theater swipe card
>can't get into the decompression chamber before the new movie is on
>the kennel is overloaded
>new cat roommate
>"beats watching a movie alone I guess"
>"but family, this is a flick"
>cat said it
>movie is bad
>sit there fuming in absolute silence, refuse to publicly comment on film as it happens
>everyone's experience is significantly worse for it
>Going to the Kinematequé to watch the new 星球大戰 masterpiece
>The maître d shows me to my seat and takes my drinks order while I browse the menu
>When the garçon returns with my Martini, I order the vichyssoise to start followed by salmon en croute and a decadent chocolate soufflé for sweet
>The soup is rather bland (as is the performance on-screen) and at this point I've had enough, so I immediately call for a food-fight and throw my soup bowl like a frisbee into the audience
>As the maître d is too embarrassed to be seen covered in soup and the bus boys are busy tending to the elderly woman who caught my bowl, I put on my top hat and confidently stroll out the door
>drain in the movie showers is clogged up with crab shells
>decide not to tip the ushers this time
>they won't let me out until I tip them
>>62942989
Worst post ITT.
>>62941364
what the fuck are you talking about this has been the board's tradition for half a fucking decade
>go to movies
>get caught tampering with penis inspection results
>get forced to work in theater coal mines
Don't you just hate when that happens?
>Going to the new tumblrplex
>Decide to watch Frozen because it's the most violent movie currently showing
>There's a blind woman in the audience, so we all have to wear blindfolds to maintain equality
>A landwhale at the front shouts out that she feels oppressed by the amount of men she can sense in the audience
>Buttplugs deploy from the seats to lock the men in place
>A siren which sounds a lot like Enya begins honking
>The manager walks in with estrogen pills and cock cages
>THANKS OBAMA
>>62945492
Hang yourself.
> movie is good
> still smash my bottle of rice vinegar on the screen and sing angrily through most of the """"""flick"""""" because it wasn't the "Citizen Kane" of movies that /tv/ insisted it was
> ask to speak to the manager for his salary as compensation for my mental trauma
> as I leave I notice the marquee sign
> it was actually Citizen Kane
>>62940911
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BrU_ef7DQgs
>>62945795
Citizen Kane is a meme movie tbqh
>be German
>want to see the new forklift documentary Gabelstapler 4 in cinema
>get stopped by jew police because my Volkswagen emits too much gas
>have to walk 6 million steps in shame, apologising for WWII
>brings me closer to the cinema, at least
>can only enter if I pray to Angela Merkel and the Qur'an
>get my crab legs with Bretzeln and a barrel of Sauerkraut
>theater is packed with refugees in sleeping bags
>want to be friendly as greet them saying "Grüß Gott!"
>they complain at the designated cinema construction site because I hurt their feelings
>two guys who wanted to work while watching the movie come over and beat me up
>make me sign a contract that I give my house to refugees
>even eat my Sauerkraut
>I leave ashamed, apologising for what I did on my way out
>watch Gabelstapler 3 at home instead
Great movie, honestly. Especially the part where he has to work extra hours.
>movie is bad
>go on IMDB and rate it a 10
>tell friends its the best movie ive ever seen
>shill the film on /tv/
>due to the viewership and ratings movie gets a sequel
>go to local theater because I heard people have sex inside
>wanted to masturbate quietly while some chad fucks his gf
>get past the no virginity policy because I broke my male hymen from over-masturbation
>sit in the back row, not realizing that that's where people fuck
>no one fucks in the theater because they realize I want to watch and it's creeping them out
>literally red and sweaty from the utter shame through the whole movie
>go home and cry myself to sleep
>movie is bad
>prostitute I hired to watch movie with walks out
>only hired her to bypass the no singles policy
>$200 down
>dont have cinema insurance
>get kicked out
>>62946429
>>dont have cinema insurance
>>get kicked out
You're one of the lucky ones bro.
>At the local flickmax watching Bourne Ultimatum
>Decide not to buy cinema insurance because I'm wearing my knee-high socks and galoshes so I should be safe
>Just at the end of the movie where Bourne disappears
>BREEEE starts playing
>The man 2 rows behind me starts having a seizure from joy and vomits up his basketti bolonaise, it gets in my hair
>The cinema wouldn't give me a free scalp massage at the post-movie spa because I didn't have insurance
>>62940905
I'd rather have this than fuckin
>what did he mean by this?
>thoughts?
>what is she thinking?
>what's next for her career?
>it ain't me starts playing
>JUST
>BLACKED
>penis inspection
>no singles
>crab legs
