>in concession line for cooler filled with melted butter at cinéma
>the guard in the watchtower shines his searchlight on me
Stop going to the National Holocaust Museum to watch movies
>tfw had to spend 15 toenail clippings on a loaner falcon because i couldn't jeapordize my film license
>a single walks in
>>62871457
>Mommy, why's that man all by himself?
>Don't look at him!
>>62871079
Did you already take your pre show shower? That might have been it.
>take my seat nice and early
>movie starts
>attendant approaches me
>he wants to clean out the birdcage above me
>have to stand up while he cleans it out
>guy behind can't see and starts swearing at me
>bird gets pissed off and starts screeching and rattling the cage
>spills water dish on the woman in front of me
>everyone in the cinema has stopped watching the movie and is turning and glaring at me
>attendant finally finishes up and lets me sit down again
>have a sip of my drink
>it's full of bird seed
>>62871731
lol
>>62871457
>THAT ASIAN CHLOE IN THE BACK
HNGGGGGGGG
>movie has overlength
>pause inbetween to pray to mekka
>>62871792
>britbongs
>naughty scene comes on
>hide my eyes so mommy doesn't have to
>peak through my hands
>>62871079
>Go to Theatre downtown
>Brought my falconette (Lisa) to get past the no singles policy (We're common law married)
>They let me in no problems
>No Theater operator is Muslim and has banned popcorn because it's not halal
>I ask for some sort of replacement snack
>He pulls a huge, 20 pound bag of imported, uncooked rice onto the counter
>He fills my cup with dry grains of rice and tells me it's just a s good
>Okay fine, I take it but I ask for some Live Mice to feed Lisa, my wife
>Mice are halal too (what the fuck?)
>Ask for another replacement
>He gives me some live Death's-head Hawkmoths, "the jew of the animal world" (???)
>Take Lisa and out snacks to the shower room
>Men's showers are broken so I have to use the birdbath with Lisa
>It's dirty, stagnant, and filled with litter
>Finally get to out seats after our gross bath
>Jem and the Holograms, things seem good so far
>Liza DOES NOT like the moths, I try to calm her down but she starts screeching and circling, looking for prey (luckily it was only us in the theater)
>I try eating the rice grains, it's fucking hard
>halfway through the flick I get the "grumpy dumpies"
>Run to the bathroom and shoot buckshot out my ass because of the undigested rice
>I pass out from rectal bleeding in the stall
>Lisa found me 4 hours later
>Get fined for the mess: $5,000 plus 75% tip
it was a good time
>tfw when i pass mandatory boner inspection
5.5 lads, jelqing works
>go to see Cloverfield
>they're out of popcorn and all soda so I get water and m&ms
>in the theater, none of the seats unfold, they're all locked into place
>everyone has to half stand, half sit on these folded up seats
>the previews come on
>there's a huge black line down the center of the screen as if it's two screens pushed together
>people go bitch about
>the projectionist comes down into the theater and sets it up in the seats while other workers clean the screen
>after all that, the movie starts but it's missing the first 30 minutes
>before anyone can bitch about it, they stop the movie to announce to everyone that they have popcorn and soda now
>>62871457
Sameface?
>>62871079
Movie theaters don't charge for butter, though.
>no Ticket Girls are working outside the theater
>have to smooth talk the Ticket Taker at the security wall to get past the NSP
>he gets angry after he realizes i only tipped him 10% and sends the manager my way
>banned for the year
>>62872083
This made me hungry for rice oddly
>>62872242
What do you mean?
cinema popcorn is so shit in the uk, some countries give you huge amounts at a low price and you can get hot caramel on and shit
>just you?
>>62872947
is popcorn halal?
I hear that's important in the uk
>>62872969
is that alice? what's she eating?god she is so fucking qt ;_;
>>62872988
isn't halal just for meat?
>>62873002
of course it's alice. this retard posts random gifs of her all day in various threads.
>make the line to buy movie tickets by myself
>there's like 20 people in the line, not a single person except me is alone
>suddenly I find myself tackled to the ground and handcuffed
>I fucking forgot it became illegal in my state to go to theater alone
Thank you fucking alot James Holmes
>hype for months for a movie
>be there at midnight release
>YOU'RE the one they choose for the random screening
>>62873033
>mfw it's literally illegal to be single in public in my state
>>62872969
>>62873079
i see hitler missed one
>>62872141
Jelquing literally changed my world, penis inspection day is so simple now
>>62873079
Post more of her eating food pls
>>62873132
so you get shot when you step out your front door?
bravo america
>>62873234
that only happens if you go outside after cerfew
Can someone spoonfeed me on what all this talk about falcons are about?
Someone post the falconry pasta please, I forgot to save it.
>>62873276
classic
>>62873276
Apparently falcons are a theater meme like the NSP and Crab Legs.
The board moves in mysterious ways.
>>62871731
>>62872083
>>62872161
The fact that the writers of these stories are always complacent makes these posts read like nightmares. They just go along with things like it was a dream
>>62873234
Anon's lying, you're allowed to be single in semi-public spaces within a 1/2 mile of your demesne. At least that's the case in Texas.
>>62873399
single people have no rights anymore, what do you expect?
>>62873364
But NSP and Crab Legs are classic. Falcons must be something exclusive for newfriends, no?
>go to theater
>3D glasses come with a ballistic shield
>>62873438
ohhh fug, rentable ballistic shields should be the next meme
>>62873276
SNL falconer skit. Google it.
![happy-dog[1].jpg](https://i.imgur.com/f6Ifh95.jpg "happy-dog[1].jpg")
>tfw your rooster is so GOAT at cockfighting he gets a montage played with the previews
>>62873456
I'm aware of those skits, but which one is this dank meme referencing?
>>62873438
Finally, both liberals and Americans can be happy
>>62872083
>>62871731
These is some next level surreal greentext shit
>go to local BBQ theater
>It's a bull roast tonight
>This faggot that trained his falcon to take other peoples' food is there again
>His uncle is the falconry officer so he gets away with it
>Decide tonight is the tonight
>while the Faggot is gorging on bull testicles and corn bread I take my own falcon to the falcon penis inspection facility
>while dropping him off I notice the Faggot's faggot falcon in the waiting cage
>take the cage with his falcon in it, it starts humping the sides of the cage for some reason, I think it was in heat
>sneak up to the bbq grill
>suddenly the falcon ejaculates and it gets everywhere, it has a consistency like silly string
>panic and just chuck the cage onto the grill, at this point the falcon is in distress and is making weird squawking sounds
>duck out of there and get my own falcon back
>come back and it smells like chicken and burnt marshmallows
>didn't even taste that bad
>Drive by the theater and shout "NSP?" out the window
>Ticket Taker yells back "NOPE!" and waves me in
>the drive-in theater loophole works again
>go to theater to see the new James Bond film
>no singles policy, but I figure I'll just buy two tickets like I always do
>pay with my mom's credit card
>cashier gives me a short code and directs me to some new machine that is supposed to give me my ticket
>I walk over, impressed with my theater for having a sleek new machine
>I put in the code
>machine asks me to pick my seats, so I do... E7 and E8
>then it asks me to put my thumb against screen
>I do it
>after a little wheel animation spins around, the machine confirms my thumbprint and asks for the thumbprint of the "second customer"
>start to panic
>look around, cashier is looking in my direction, but my back is to her
>I look back at the screen and put my other thumb against the screen to see if that works
>wheel turns
>"This thumbprint is already registered. Please use different thumb."
>what the fuck
>feel sweat beads running down my back
>Cashier is still looking at me
>A long line is starting to form behind me, but I've paid $60 for the tickets, so I can't turn back now
>unzip dick
>stand on my toes and press it against the screen
>wheel turns
>"Could not confirm thumb"
>suddenly, an alarm goes off and two black guards grab me and escort me out of the theater with my dick still hanging out
>get home and mom screams at me for paying $60 to see a shitty Bond flick
>>62874122
>paying for movies
this is why you lost
>go see TFA opening night
>hear gunshots
>Snuck in a dozen king crab legs taped under my shirt
>cracking and eating them, swatting away the falcons circling overhead
>Suddenly an usher is shining a light in my face
>Says the only food allowed is food purchased at the concession stand
>Says he knows I did not buy them at the theater as they had not been dipped in glowstick liquid to make them look like lightsabers as marketing for starwars
>takes my crab and fines me $450
>go to concessions to buy my theater approved crab legs
>sold out
>get hunger games:mockingjay part 2 themed boiled goose instead
>theater falcon snatches it from me halfway through the flick
Rather enjoyed myself, saw the new James Bond movie.
>>62872988
Stop being a memeing retard. Yes you have to provide a halal alternative by law here but you can still get just normal stuff.
>>62874426
>Yes you have to provide a halal alternative by law here
I thought haram was bad and halal was good
>>62872083
This is like some kind of bizzarre fever dream.
I love this meme
it's so deeply unsettling
>>62872083
Directed by David Lynch
>>62873400
Is this an actual thing someoene can point me to.
>>62874860
>>62874899
Dallas enforces a NSP right? What are their rules on falcon substitute partners?
>>62874426
>Yes you have to provide a halal alternative by law here
Pls be real
>>62873456
But SNL hasn't been remotely funny in over 15 years...
>>62873438
>>62873455
>Alright anon let's go watch catch the new Star Wars
Guys, how much is it customary to tip the ticket checkers? And do I tip them before or after the shower and penis inspection?
>When you walk into the cinema to see Spectre and it's run entirely by crabs; you see steamed human legs behind the counter at the concession stand
>>62875136
>hold on just let me put on my theater gear
>>62875148
Standard rate here in the states is a 75% tip for ticket checkers, usually you want to tip after penis inspection to make sure they hand you a towel.
>>62875188
>theater gear
>>62872083
delete this
>wait in lobby of mall/theater
>see two young women walking out
>start chatting them up
>eventually we ask them if they have their ticket stubs
>they happily give them to us
>ditch the bitches
>go up to theater, show stubs to guy
>he waves us in without even bothering to look
>I would too if it was fucking 12AM
>opening night for Terminator Genesys, go watch it
>90 minutes into the film some of the lights come on above
>friend goes out while I continue watching
>lights go off 10 minutes later, friend comes back soon after
>he said he complained his asshole off
>after movie, guy waiting outside gives everyone a free ticket coupon
>while walking to motorcycle pull out cell phone and give theater 2 star yelp review
>>62875285
Forgot to mention in first line that I was with a buddy and we had ridden there on our motorcycles.
>>62875285
>>62875306
normie or bait i can't tell
>>62875285
>>62875306
>>62875332
I got flashbacks from the underwater scale story
>walk to the cinema to see the new Goosebumps film
>I'm a single but, but the girl at the ticket booth felt bad for me and agreed to let in if I bought 2 tickets instead
>half time at cinema
>jumbo garlic crab legs ran right through me
>desperately need to shit but the toilets are out of order
>duck into transgender shower with a locking door while no one is looking
>insert shower token and water starts running
>pull down my pants and release on shower floor
>try to push rancid garlic-crab shit down the drain
>pushed about 75% of the rancid mass down the drain before the water shuts off
>already used the last of my tokens
>pull pants up and try to sneak back to my seat before half time ends
>cinema cops see me leaving transgender bathroom and preform on the spot penis inspection
>the lady cop preforming the inspection is hot and I instantly get erect and fail
>they ask for my cinema partner's phone number so they can come and retrieve me
>mfw
>detained at the cinema for 48 hours
>they let me leave after preforming a lengthy psych evaluation and background test
>forget to tip the doctor and get banned from the cinema for 6 months
>still don't know how Goosebumps ends
>>62875285
>see two young women walking out
>start chatting them up
>>62875372
I'd have to see it again to remember that one
>>62875411
not to mention motorcycles.
>>62874507
that poster is retarded
>>62875411
You do realize that there are tons of people who ride motorcycles who are autistic? Me and some dude who I met on a motorcycle forum agreed to help bring my bike up to a racetrack using his trailer. During the 3 hour drive he was blasting japanese or korean music that hear in the intros to anime shows.
>>62875388
>forget to tip the doctor and get banned from the cinema for 6 months
Best thread on /tv/ right now
>>62875520
I mentioned the motorcycles.
You mentioned meeting someone? That's normie behavior pattern, so, nothing personal, what you did when you drove somewhere with motorcycles on a trailer listening to music in someone's company was pretty normal behavior.
Plus, racetrack? This must be bait come to think of it.
>join the Institute to get a qt synth to take to movie
>theater is in diamond city
>NSP
>No Synth Policy
>diamond city security escort me to sanctuary hills
>>62875614
>playing bethshit
>giving Todd your money
>>62875285
>going to see Jurassic Park
>line is all the way around the mall
>fuck that
>chat up people at front of line
>tell security "we're just here to look"
>box office opens
>jump line like a boss and buy tickets
>"okay now you have to queue to get back in when the show starts
>fuck that
>ask when doors open
>go drinking
>jump line when doors open
>friend goes in and claims primo seats
>I buy crab legs and beer
>mfw everyone in line
>go to theater to see The Woman in Black
>while buying tickets at counter, the person turns around their monitor and ask us which seat I'd like to choose
>the front half of the auditorium is greyed out, with smatterings of the rear half avaliable
>grab the best seat available
>enter theater, head over to the showing
>when I enter showing I'm greeted with the delightful sight of the entire front half filled with blacks
>all the rear half have white and asians
>take my designated seat
>can see dozens of cell phone screens
>previews start, dindu nuffins hollering and making noises
>shaniquapottimuses babble ebonics every 30 seconds
>previews end
>the theater videos saying to be quiet and turn off your cell phones comes out
>start getting, a loud ass noise erupts that sounds like moving gears
>large pane of glass descends
>coon who was leaning too far back has his head crushed
>the sliding pane hits the floor with a loud boom
>discovery channel nature sounds are replaced with clicking noises as the pane locks into place
>movie begins
>reach into my arm rest and pull out earbuds
>person next to me gives me a disgusted look
>"Don't you want to enjoy the movie?"
>try to ignore him and put in ear buds
>the moment I put them in I can hear a black woman go "*click* Mmmmmhmmmm!"
>2 weeks ago, seeing Spectre
>take my falcon to get past the no single policy
>take my pre-movie shower, get my crab legs, get a nice seat in the middle
>everything's going well
>first part of the movie's pretty entertaining
>they start the dance intermission
>but they forgot to pause the movie
>i'm trying to pay attention but the music's really loud and everyone's clapping
>it looks like a cool scene where they're fighting on a train
>I really wanna know what's happening but can't hear anything
>people keep dancing in front of the screen
>"STOP THE MOVIE" I scream
>it never stops
after 15 minutes the music stops and everyone sits back down
>no idea what's going on in the movie
>no one else seems to notice
>I start to cry
>my falcon lets out a loud, comforting screech
>mfw kicked out of the theater for being disruptive
>go to the nearest theater that doesn't have a no singles policy
>buy ticket
>they are all out of bulletproof vests and helmets
>don't have the money to upgrade to bulletproof locked seating box
>decide it's not worth the risk and leave
>be me
>be falcon
>go to see the new James Bond movie with my human
>arrive at the theatre
>there's a NSP
>No Simian Policy
>my human can't come in with me
>he is escorted out by crab people
>tfw
>running late to flick at cinema cineplex
>no time to shower
>rush to get to cinema bathhouse
>15 min wait minimum
>fuck it
>push my way through line
>local high school football team taking up every stall
>make my way to shower
>turn on water
>ice cold
>forget that hot cinema water goes quick
>dick shrivels to the size of a cocktail pickle
>jocks surround me
>roll up their towels and rat tail me
>drop my pouch of toilet tokens
>grab my clothes and run out
>hand ticket constable my paperwork
>no singles policy
>go home
Honestly not the worst way to spend a friday night.
>>62875923
>not owning your own riot shield
are you even american?
this fucking thread, i'm losing it
>finish watching a movie
>the theater showers are full
Every time.
you guys laugh at no singles, but i go to movies all the time alone
the only time i really feel weird is when the movie ends - the light comes on and everyone stands up and i have to get up and walk out, knowing everyone can see, and probably laughinng i went by myself
>>62873276
C L A S S I C
>>62876234
This is exactly how I feel. Hate going alone but I still do.
>go to movie alone
>no one in line
>no one in the theatre
>sit down and wait for the movie to start
>never starts
>feel weird walking out before it normally would be over
>sit in the theatre alone and wait 2 hours
>walk out
>>62876234
its just self loathing humor, nobody actually cares if you go alone
>>62876296
Shit I laughed
>>62871792
What's the UK like anon?
dat feel when faking a phone call with your friends "running late" to avoid no singles policy
>go to movie alone
>i've lost countless friends in the past week for being single.
>instead of going to real theater i decide to go to a speakeasy theater that allows singles
>use the secret code, use the shower and walk into my theater.
>surrounded by singles with body pillows and sex dolls
>they immediately shift their eyes toward me and start giving me really concerned looks
>one starts shrieking, "he's alone"
>end up getting tackled by the bouncers
>laughed and ridiculed for coming alone and not with a body pillow or sex doll
>get kicked out on to the street without my bathroom supplies that i left in shower
>go to see Spectre alone
>pick my favorite bike: 8th row, third to the left
>start peddling to power up the movie
>couple walks in, really hot girl
>the guy sits next to me and the girl mounts him and they start to fuck on the bike seat
>decide to leave and hit the bench press down in front
>put too much weight on and snap my fucking arms in half
>let out a blood curdling scream
>people get annoyed and start throwing popcorn at me
>get up and leave without taking a shower
>city fines me for being smelly in public
Heard Spectre was a disappointment though. Did I miss out?
>sit down, get comfy
>farmer sitting in front of us turns round, doffs flat-cap, recognises me
>'nice to see ya courting'
>'aye'
>'not courting heavy tho are ya'
>'how do you work that out then'
>'no maltesers is it'
>shakes his maltesers at us
>'textbook scram a pack of maltesers mind you'
>film starts
>whispering behind me
>'new blacksmith down cords lane looking for apprentices mind'
>'watch he don't end up with jokers like these two'
>'aye.'
>long pause
>'tough old trade as it is'
>>62876369
10/10
>walk into cinema, alone
>settle in
>voice booming from the back "oi no sweaty bettys in here mate"
>turn round its llanarth rodge with a few tins of scrimpy
>"oh alright rodge"
>"cider glider with me?"
>accept his invitation, go sit next to him
>"you been rolling round in the hay with some pooftas have you"
>"nah just bailing"
>rodge finishes his scrimpy, throws it down on the floor with some contempt
>"nothing like bailing mind you. hang on, its fucking christian bale in this! christian hay-baler. fuckin hel imagine that, not batman but the Bale Man!"
>"do well round here"
>really wanna see scorch trials
>no one to go with, only theater without nsp is an old theater 30 minutes away
>kind of a lame theater, doesn't even have showers
>get there 20 minutes before the preview starts
>buy my ticket, decide to waste time at the concession stand
>all they have is popcorn with no butter
>thisisbullshit.jpg
>there's a red lobster across the street
>I know they'll make me pay for my ticket again but I was really looking forward to a bucket of crab legs as I watched scorch
>order an extra large bucket with extra butter
>i have to buy another ticket and they took so long i missed the first 5 minutes
>worth it though
>eat the entire bucket, best bucket of crab legs i've ever had
>2 hours later the movie ends
>the lights go on
>i realize i'm the only human in the theater
>about 100 crabs, though
>they're staring at me and my bucket of crab leg corpses
>tfw i have to type this with the only two fingers i have left
>scorch wasn't even that good
>>62876388
A classic
>>62876079
I always bring my fog launcher. I can't see the screen anymore but at least I haven't been hit in a cinema shooting since
Few questions what is this theatre shower and work out theatre meme? I get the crab legs one, Ive snuck crab legs to the theatres sometimes to eat. But I don't understand the showers and the falcons. Is the falcons really just an SNL meme adaptation?
>go to theater
>pay for ticket
>person at desk tells me to enjoy my movie and I say thanks
>get to my seat
>film starts
>realize I need to use the restroom about midway though the movie so I get up and go to the restroom
>when I come back to the theater I sit down
>watch the rest of the movie then leave when it ends
>exit theater and see flash of white light across the sky
>disintegrate, my ashes paint the ground before my mind can process what is happening
>>62876502
they always make me buy my own smoke grenades whenever I go to the theater
>bit of a hub-bub around the parish because the dark knight rises is being shown on friday
>few people in their best array for it, lookin tidy
>some discontent in the lobby with glynn [cinema owner] being accused of cashing in on the hub-bub
>ieuan not happy "gotta be a banker for a bag of juicy fruits with you now is it glynn?"
>notorious opening scene
>bane's plane appears over cia's, it's obviously bigger
>some johnny comelately brainbox says "perspective up to its old tricks again"
>obviously bane's plane is bigger, somebody says "load of bollocks from you"
>boredom setting in in the third act
>one old lad saying to the morgan matriarch "when your old man used to go to the gym he was such a lank of piss mind you they'd put weights on either end of him and lift him"
>glynn selling goodybags for a premium on the way out
>go to see a movie
>don't want to pay for overpriced crab legs there so smuggle my own
>new inspector in cinema showers to make sure noone brings a weapon
>hide the crab legs
>inspector comes over while I'm showering
>ohshitheknows
>"Nice package you got there"
>panic
>"T-thanks. Y-You too. "
>he blushes
We're together for 6 months now and he still doesn't know I'm straight
Lol what a fag right?
>>62876505
when's the last time you went to the kîñé, m8? are you from africa or something? what kind of kîñé doesn't even have a coed shower?
>go to American theater
>as I enter a siren goes off, police strip-search me for weapons as I'm a young man going to the movies alone
>tip the police as I go to purchase my ticket
>$20 for the ticket +taxes +single male fee + tip
>hand $40 over, good deal
>get popcorn, only $20 plus tip
>am given a block of butter with a couple kernals on it
>go to the theater entrance
>guy rips my ticket stub, stops me, asks for a tip
>give him $10, some women behind me call me cheap and laugh
>police come in again, radar check me and have me go through an airport x-ray
>tip them again
>sit down in theater, tip the janitor for cleaning up
>movie begins
>everyone forms a single line to tip the guy working the projector
>sit back down
>all of the sudden someone starts shooting up the theater
>tip the shooter but he still shoots me
>get an ambulance, tip the driver and paramedic
>go to the hospital, bullet only grazed me, 6 stitches
>$1,000,000 hospital bill + tip
>>62876669
/fit/ pls
>>62876373
>pick my favorite bike: 8th row, third to the left
>start peddling to power up the movie
>>62876671
>kîñé?
A what? I live in Canada
>>62876682
amazing
>take my gf to the cinema for the new bond
>buy tickets online
>have to stand in line for an hour
>then finally come to the door
>hand security guard our tickets but he doesn't even look at them
>stares at me in disgust
>I ask what the problem is
>"It's premiere day. White tie only"
>Realize I'm still wearing my tux
>Shit don't want to miss 007
>Gf says maybe they can find another solution
>have to wait there in my tux while everybody stares at me like a peasant
>half an hour later gf comes back and security lets me in
>as soon as we find our seats and sit down the movie is over
Worst day ever
>moved to Alabama
>finally get around to check the local cinema for Jurassic World
>get in sit down ready to enjoy a nice flick
>suddenly the waiter comes around
>"We don't like your kind around here"
>"w-what?"
>Look around
>Realize everybody but me are couples. they stare at me
>"The S-Word. SINGLES. NOT IN MY THEATRE"
>"I'm s-sorry I didn't see the sign"
>"There is no sign everybody knows the rules"
>"Please I don't want trouble"
>"We don't want trouble either but theres gotta be rules. Imagine we allow singles and couples sitting next to each other. What next?"
>"I I would never... like..."
>"Leave now before we show you what we do with singles in this town"
Had to stream the movie
>>62875388
these greentexts, all of them except for the obviously normie motorcycle one, are deeply disturbing to me on a psychic level. its as if they are noveau horror
>>62871457
good shoop
>midnight
>think it's safe to head down to the local underground cinema, where the NSP is never enforced
>slip and slide down all the side streets
>head into a kebab store
>cooks all looking at me
>"The crow masks its scent with ranch dressing"
>they nod and I head into the secret door behind the fridge
>buy my ticket to Rango (being an illegal theatre they get movies really late after being smuggled into the Zone)
>cashier says 'enjoy your movie'
>'you too'
>we both freeze
>his eyes glaze over
>his jaw drops until it's at his bellybutton
>a speaker comes out of his mouth
>"AWKWARDNESS DETECTED"
>i am forcibly ejected by the speaker as it pushes me back out the way i came, repeating "AWKWARDNESS DETECTED"
>flip my ticket on the street for half the price I paid
>get a kebab and listen to the movies sound leaking through the walls
>>62872083
I enjoyed this
>>62876669
>>62874426
>Yes you have to provide a halal alternative by law here
Well meme'd, lad.
>first time in american cinema house
>nervous but prepared
>hand tickey wicky collector my passport and health records
>looks me up and down
>start to sweat
>stamps me in
>find seat in theater
>suddenly everyone stands to give the pledge of allegience
>pretend to mouth the words but woman on my row begins to notice
>leaves theater
>comes back with cinema sheriff
>ohfuckherewego
>approaches me and demands to see paperwork
>drop to my knees and begin to pray
>everyone including sheriff does the same
>slowly slip out the door
>need place to hide
>ask cinema chaplain if they accept bidet badges
>immediately calls for help
>thrown in theater penitentiary for 3 weeks
>deemed a war criminal
>deported back to uk
Was spectre any good?
>>62877386
>"The crow masks its scent with ranch dressing"
>ticket ripper laughs at you
just replace them with machines already
>>62877548
>>first time in american cinema house
>>nervous but prepared
>>hand tickey wicky collector my passport and health records
>>looks me up and down
>>start to sweat
>>stamps me in
>>find seat in theater
>>suddenly everyone stands to give the pledge of allegience
>>pretend to mouth the words but woman on my row begins to notice
>>leaves theater
>>comes back with cinema sheriff
>>ohfuckherewego
>>approaches me and demands to see paperwork
>>drop to my knees and begin to pray
>>everyone including sheriff does the same
>>slowly slip out the door
>>need place to hide
>>ask cinema chaplain if they accept bidet badges
>>immediately calls for help
>>thrown in theater penitentiary for 3 weeks
>>deemed a war criminal
>>deported back to uk
>>raped by pakis
>Was spectre any good?
FT4U
Lads how do I learn to meme on your levels? A lot of these meme stories are vinceposting tier. Too patrician for most of us.
>Head to the local cinema to see the Peanuts Movie.
>Theater has NSP.
>Sneaks past using a bush disguise.
>Gets inside, have to piss really badly.
>Boy's bathroom is filled with dindu nuffins at the showers.
>Feels unsafe
>Decides to use the girls bathroom instead.
>A grill walks in and catches me.
>Gets the theater manager.
>Manager sends me home with a six month ban from the theater for coming in single and for using the girls bathroom.
>Parents ground me for 2398573298578439184854 years.
>Mom walks me up to my room, puts me in my nappy, and locks me in.
I expect that the Peanuts Movie wasn't really that good anyway.
>head to the cinema with my brand new gf
>place seems nice aside from the faint crying and sobbing noises that can be heard through the walls
>get split up during the cavity inspection and barcode branding
>finally find each other again in the cold, damp tunnels leading to the Age of Ultron showing
>find two seats next to each other
>movie is ok but I keep getting distracted by the drilling sounds coming from the basement
>thirty minutes in my GF leans in to tell me she isn't liking it that much
>suddenly a beeping noise is heard, lights are shining in our faces
>theater employees all around us
>they drag my gf away and give me my Marvel Universe Compliance Helmet™
>all wants or needs fade away, I now love the movie
>theater employees are now sitting all around me
>"we knew you would love the movie, sir"
>no longer remember the girl's face or the smell of her hair
they gave me a free bucket of crab legs so all in all it was a good night
Lads what happens if you go to a singles only cinema but pay for two seats and reassure the ticket ripper that your gf/bf/partner/brother/etc. will be with you shortly, only for the seat next to you never to get filled? Will you be thrown out when they notice?
these threads are incredible
>>62876682
But you wouldn't have to tip all of those people. Generally you only tip waiters and/or busboys in the US.
>>62877773
Bring a wig. Say your gf will come later than during the trailers walk out, put on the wig, return and loudly explain over the phone how "your boyfriend" got sick and you HAVE TO finish watching it alone
>>62878018
Wouldn't wearing a wig be kind of transphobic?
>>62877773
They usually alert the designated shooter and if they see you alone during their spree they're supposed to target you. I think it usually helps the news coverage if some unlovables are victims.
>>62878072
Doesn't being a singles make me the shooter?
>>62877749
>crab legs
I admit I've been out of the loop for a few weeks, but when did crab legs finally take off?
>>62878091
There are single shooters and pr shooters who get hired to get the movie headlines like with trainwreck
>>62878100
When normies started aping oldfags.
>>62876669
best theater thread in a while
>>62878120
Yeah, I'm not really sure I like it.
Showers were a good evolution, but I think an obscure alcoholic cocktail would be a better replacement for crab legs.
Also
>normie
Found the normalfag
>had tickets on pre-order for Star Trek: Into Darkness
>two, then I come in with a girl's jacket and tell them my gf is in the bathroom
>hit the concession stand
>still have girl's jacket so I can order a monster popcorn and butter bath for two
>plug my beats by dre headphones in and turn on "cool mix"
>midnight city by m83 plays
>i am in my own movie
>the score is playing while i walk in slow motion to the theater
>there's a line at the door, the staff are still inside cleaning
>i am the protagonist, i wave them off and head inside :)
>i walk down to the front row, staff tries to shoo me away but i sit back and relax
>guy in front of me is yelling but all i can hear is the OST
>i salute him and give him finger guns and a wink
>after 20 minutes, nobody else has come in and the movie hasn't started
>not even any previews
>i try to open the doors and they're locked
>emergency exits are locked
>the movie screen shines bright white
>so bright, it's impossible to look directly at it
>i shield my eyes with my arm, until i tempt fate and slowly look into the light
>the score kicks into overdrive
>i look behind me and there's nothing there but darkness
>i walk towards the light and soon am far beyond the movie screen where i'd entered this new place
>i feel weightless, no stress, an overwhelming feel of love
>soon, as if guided by a gentle breeze, i am placed into a seated position
>the light slowly dims until i can see my surroundings again
>i'm back in the theater, in my seat and everyone who was waiting in line is now seated as well
>they all look at me and smile warmly
>the movie starts and we all watch it as my headphones disappear and the music fades out
>go to see movie with mommy
>tfw actually British but don't want to be bullied by Americans so I use the American spelling of mummy
>movie is about to begin
>the cinema bull courtesy of Quentin Tarantino is almost finished with his dance
>he swings his huge black cock up and down
>Quentin claps his hands yells from the back "it's time! Choose your mate!" and let's out a fiendish cackle
>the bull walks down the aisle, searching the women
>the bill goes up to a plump, blonde women
Quentin yells "YEAH good choice, you know how us black guys love em nice and thick, MMMMMMMMMMM!"
>"what's your name miss?"
>Sarita, sir
>"Well Sarita, I hope you love a big black cock, because us black guys got huge donkey dongs, I'm talkin 9 inches brotha!"
>the bull throws the girl over his shoulder and exits the cinema
>people start booing
>a crowd begins to follow the bull outside of the cinema
>the theatre empties, the people gather around the bull and the blonde in a circle
>the men start rubbing their little peepees in shame, while the women strip and get ready for the black man
>"you ruined my film! I'm never going to make another film again! fuck you, you ain't my brotha from anotha motha you know what I'm saying"
>The bull stands up, proud and direct and exclaims "you never made films Quentin, you made flicks"
>opening night of steve jobs
>call in advance to check if they're still doing a nsp
>bring my gun just in case there's a mix up and they won't let me in
>get dressed up in my black turtleneck and stonewashed jeans
>die my hair grey
>everyone else is dressed up like ashton kutcher
>they start pointing and laughing at me
>contemplate pulling out my gun to defend my honor
>just start crying and leave instead
>my mom calls and tells me i left the crab legs at home
>Spectre is out in cinemas
>Use makeup to hide my Relationship Status Identifier Serial Number barcode along my forehead
>Fill sex doll with helium and hook her to my ankle
>We're both wearing trench coats, caps pulled over our eyes and holding hands
>Sneak out of our hideout we've been squatting in to avoid the No Singles Police
>Fall into line with the huddled masses queuing up at the One True Cinema
>A slow death trudge into the screening
>Ne'er-do-wells and shifty shankers spotted by the NSPolice are dragged kicking and screaming from the crowds
>Muffled gunfire throughout
>We are each handed a single ticket stub, a small popcorn to share and a flyer for Herr Great Director
>Attendants are falcons who screech and only screech
>NSP only can interpret if these screeches are positive or negative
>Take the two ticket stubs for me and my helium supported sex doll
>Nod at the falcon
>He screeches
>We move into the showing, I look back at the ticket falcon and he is still staring at me
>He screeches again
>We kneel on the pews
>We each pray as the gunfire outside cuts out
>The movie begins
>Ten minutes in a series of flashlights start moving down the rows
>Shining on me
>It's the ticket falcon with the No Singles Police
>Points a talon at me and screeches
>The NSP shoot my sex doll and eject me, but not before I am hung from the front of the theater for a week as a lesson to the others
>tfw martyred again
>>62874326
underrated 2bh my family
>>62878170
Damn, that's amazing.
Mind if I save it my friend?
>>62878559
it's all yours :)
>>62878559
>>62878574
>tfw nobody saves your oc
>>62878574
Thanks, it's rare that you see a NSP story filled with so much hope.
I mean the underlying current of despair was still there, you were seeing STID, after all, but damn.
Would make a good preview for movie theaters.
Like, "come see flicks/movies/films at our establishment and this is the experience you'll get."
>spend 2 hours writing story
>get no upvotes
>>62878649
It's ok anon, I read your story and I appreciated it and laughed at it a lot, I just feel like replying because I didn't have a good reaction image.
>>62878649
I've been laughing my ass off at most of these but have been too lazy to reply
>>62873718
I feel bad that nobody gave you a (You) - your story is just as good as everyone else's
i haven't laughed this hard in months
never change /tv/
>enter the cinema facilities alone
>huge line, everyone seems nervous as fuck
>find out theres a new inspector general of cinema showers that's a real hard ass
>crab rice at the concession stand is way overpriced so i brought my own
>luckily i hid little baggies of it in my ass hole to not be detected in the showers
>no singles policy but I lie to the girl, said i have friends waiting for me, i think she knew i was lying
>enter the showers and inspector general bitch shows up, does penis inspection really thorough
>she comes up to me and begins penis inspection
>just as she looks under my balls one of the crab rice bags pops inside me, starts a chain reaction of exploding baggies inside my anus
>a diarrhea shit rocket of rice and crab legs shoots out my ass hole, leaving a huge mess on the shower floors
>they make me clean it up or pay a 400 quid fine
>try to smush the poo down the drain but gets all over my hands
>miss the movie
>Yuropoors can't shop for house furniture before their movies
>Yuropoors can't walk through a giant city made out of jelly beans before their movie
>Yuropoors can't watch an acrobatic show before their movie
O I am laffin
>stand in line to buy a ticket
>already nervous and sweating
>"Uh... just you?"
>Y-yes.
>"Sorry, can't let you in without his approval."
>before I can ask, a man emerges from the counter - like he has been cowering there the whole time
>he's tall, thin, nearly bald and wears a brown suit
>examines me from head to toe without saying a word
>sniffs me
>grabs my crotch
>finally, he nods
>"Dieser kann durch, ja."
>he makes a dismissing hand gesture
>go to watch my movie
>"I'll be vatching yuh." he says as I leave
It was weird.
>>62871949
underrated post
>>62875992
I giggled
>arrive late to the movie
>manage to push in and somehow find a seat (they were already filling up the standing area)
>movie starts
>the parrot in the birdcage near me has been watching me for the last 15 minutes
>starts lunging and nodding its head aggressively towards me
>think it must want some of my food so i throw some popcorn into the cage
>it gets mad and starts screaming
>he starts cursing at me in Spanish (it's a talking parrot)
>group of mexicans nearby are cackling and trying to teach it more swear words and piss it off even more
>no one can hear the film over the screaming bird and shouting mexicans
>one of the ticket constables approaches me and tells me i've been reported for harassing the bird and have to leave
>>62879168
>>62879028
>>62878949
have some (You)'s
you deserve it!
>go to the new theater in town with the recliner chairs
>bring my mom to get past nsp
>it's nice at first, we share a bucket of crab legs
>i get scared during the movie, start crying
>mommy lets me cuddle with her in her chair
>end up taking a nap for the rest of the movie
>we go home and she breastfeeds me and tucks me into bed
>mfw I'm a 31 year old man, 6'3" and 250lbs
>enter cinema to watch The Dark Knight
>"Dr. Pavel, I'm CIA"
>instantly, I'm captured by what's happening on the screen
>"Uh, you don't get to bring friends."
>completely immersed in what's happening
>"Bane?"
>the movie speaks to me on an emotional level
>"THE FIRST ONE TO TALK GETS TO STAY ON MY AIRCRAFT"
>the tension is killing me - what will happen next?
>the world ceases to exist
>I start to cry out of joy
>"OR PERHAPS HE'S WONDERING WHY SOMEONE WOULD SHOOT A MAN BEFORE THROWING HIM OUT OF A PLANE"
>a rush of endorphines washes through my body - I can't believe Nolan did it
>my body starts to shake uncontrollably
>it can't handle the greatness that is unfolding in front of my eyes
>"THE FIRE RISES"
>suddenly start sweating like crazy
>foam shoots out of my mouth
>all the knowledge of the universe pours inside me
>leave my mortal shell to enter the next level of my astral existence
>finally I can see forever
>>62879214
>getting a pity (you)
worse than none at all
>>62879313
I think (You) would disagree with me now
>go to cinema to see Bee Movie 3D remake
>pay 40 dollars for concession badge just to get some snacks
>the concession booth is literally a table next to a pile of mud
>when I show them the badge the girl picks up mud off the floor and gives it to me in a bucket
>by the time I find my seat my mud is cold
>next to me is a man who brought two prize pigs to the show
>and a fucking dog to watch the pigs
>halfway through the movie dog goes wild and starts running around
>pigs go nuts and start to run as well
>guards in the watchtower open fire, shredding one pig
>the second runs into the vents
>guards bring out the flamethrowers
>I spend the next hour chewing dry mud as the smell of crispy bacon wafts in through the vents
mfw
>>62879421
>>the second runs into the vents
Fucking kek
>>62879313
>>62879320
Whats up with the "yous". I just logged on and didn't post yet. Is my ip somehow shared?
>>62874222
i don't get it. did someone shoot ur falcon?
>>62876369
hahahahahahaha
>>62879421
> dry mud
that's just dirt, retard
>>62875853
what was the point of the ear buds?
>>62872985
>tfw can't tell if the ticket taker is male or female
>>62879660
>he hasn't tried the dry mud at his local cinema
Does anyone on /tv/ actually go to the cinema?
>>62879660
that's the joke, retard
>>62879746
Last movie I saw in a mainstream cinema was Inception.
>>62879746
>watching movies
>>62879746
Last move I saw was the Martian.alone
>>62879746
Last movie I saw in the theatre was Interstellar with my dad, and before that Apollo 18
>enter local cinema emporium
>feeling confident I'll be able to get into Black Mass this time, my counterfeit certificate of circumcision looks real as fuck
>15 year old at the counter takes one look at it and sells me the ticket
>fuckyeah.exe
>enjoying my popcorn and lobster bisque, hype for some based johnny depp when all of a sudden the wizard chained to the fire escape starts screeching
>it's excruciating, he's just growling and shrieking at the top of his lungs, his cape is all tangled up in the bars of his cage too and he's definitely crying
>playing it cool, maybe someone didn't spend enough time in the theatre showers
>he's crying and pointing his wand right at me
>the top of his conical hat is letting off what looks like fire and all the stars on his robes are glowing red
>ushers talk to him and start walking over to my seat holding their standard issue rifles
>mfw
>>62879746
I used to go there regularly when I lived in the city and was surrounded by 3 theaters within walking distance. Now I live in the middle of nowhere and it takes me 45 minutes to get to the nearest theater.
The last movie I saw in cinema was Mad Max: Fury Road.
>>62878422
kek
![608[1].jpg](https://i.imgur.com/2WBC1zt.jpg "608[1].jpg")
>decide to go to cinema
>stop by Home Depot on the way and hire a migrant mexican worker to see the movie with me to get past the NSP
>purchase two tickets for The Martian
>try to buy some popcorn
>the cinema farm isn't ready to harvest their corn crop for the year yet
>have to wait for the cinema crabbing boat to get back to buy crab legs
>fuck it, movie is about to start
>head over to security booth and present my passport and ticket so they'll open the security gate
>mexican starts to panic
>screams something in spanish and tries to run out the door
>gets shot by cinema sniper team
>crab boat pulls up to the cinema marina
>they only have rock crab
>purchase a bucket anyway and head in to see movie
>20 minutes later the cinema militia pulls me out
>the mexican had died in the hospital, so I was now technically single
>thrown out and banned for two weeks
>>62879668
To hear the black people.
>>62879028
>>"Dieser kann durch, ja."
>>62871457
That is an eery fugin image
>nearest theater is a days trip away
>decide to save time and just watch films at my local red lobster
>walk up to hostess and ask for a table for four
>they know im alone but allow me in since the armed red lobster security is on break and they dont want to cause a fuss
>they purposely give me the shitest table in the whole bulding in the back by the restrooms
>constantly remind them that my family is on the way
>they dont buy it
>i order 4 buckets of crab legs and a cup of melted butter
>break out laptop and load up the latest yify rips
>watch sicario
>A: 10
>V: 10
>thanks yify
>every five minutes the manager walk by my table to see if im doing anything sketchy
>halfway through the film my battery starts to die
>i start to pull out my charger
>manager sees this and mistakes this for a weapon
>calls in the armed red lobster guards who are finally off break
>get shot and kicked out
>not before i tip the whole staff
>get home and wash the blood out of my clothes
>realize i left my laptop with all the yify rips back at red lobster
>cry myself to sleep that night
>My friend telling me how he goes to the cinemas on his own
>Told him that the concession staff probably laugh at him for buying a single ticket
>Stopped talking to me for a few days
>Messages me telling me how he went to the movies on his own and bought 2 tickets instead of one so they wouldn't laugh at him
>After the movie finishes and he left, the manager and police are waiting outside, apparently someone was sighted filming the movie on a camcorder
>They ask my friend where the second person he bought his ticket is, he said he bought both tickets for himself
>He was detained by the police until they could verify on the security footage
>He complained about muh illegal detention; police followed him to his car after and spotted several defects in his car
>Mfw my calling him a loner faggot cost him an extra movie ticket, $400 to fix defects in his car
>>62880142
a nice touch there anon
>>62879516
Ur getting hacked bro
>>62879818
Jesus christ that's fucking disturbing.
>go to German Kino
>decide to watch the sequel to German hit film 'Fack ju Goethe'
>is aptly named 'Fack ju Goethe 2'
>go alone
>no NSP in Germany
>purchase the ticket
>go in
>don't tip anybody
>sit down
>watch film
>laugh at mildly racist joke and get arrested by undercover racism Komissar two lines behind me for "overt public racism"
>>62872083
>hawkmoths the jew of the animal world
oh i'm laffin
>interested in the new Peanuts film
>head to the local theater
>sneak past the barbed wire entrance guarded by heavily armed theater forces
>navigate through the never ending twists, tricks and traps of the labyrinth
>evade the man eating minotaur
>successfully traverse the swamp of misery
>avoid the roving cannibal bandit clans formed by other lost theater patrons
>correctly answer the sorceror's riddle
>avoid being turned to stone by the Basilik's gaze
>incite the barbarian tribes to revolution against the Iron Khan of then 38th dimension
>don't become hopelessly seduced by the sirens bathing in the fountain of merriment
>best the Duke of Fear in single combat
>banish the demon prince Melchantraz by learning his true name
>retrieve the Bow of Kings and slay the 20ft tall Cyclops
>wasn't fooled into eating the cyanide enchanted crab legs at the altar of concessions
>finally make it to the ticket office
>Peanuts has been out of theaters for several months now
>mfw
>go to american cinema
>get shot
>>62878383
>everyone else is dressed up like ashton kutcher
>>62879028
>"Dieser kann durch, ja."
>>62878649
I laughed at most of them. I bet yours was one of them :)
>>62879691
That's clearly a bloke
>>62882478
Don't you have a mosque to shoot up?
>>62881895
>>laugh at mildly racist joke and get arrested by undercover racism Komissar two lines behind me for "overt public racism"
I feel you.
>watch Zero Dark Thirty
>holy shit that is the best movie ever
>scene where the old man blows up his car comes on
>everybody claps and cheers
>join in a sec to late
>Counter-racism unit gets called they watch me the entire time
>get nervous and can't focus on the plot anymore
>finally the scene where the imperialist crusade army (don't know what they're called in the english dub) kill unarmed martyr Osama Bin Laden
>Counter-racism unit nervously clinches onto their pepper spray as guns are forbidden
>I'm distracted by the syrian refugees who collect their mandatory nazi-apology money
>miss the first 2 Allahu Ackbars
>pepper spray shootout starts
>get escorted out the cinema
>have to spend the night at the holocaust memorial and donate to a synagogue of my choosing
I heard one of the refugees blew up the cinema because one actor resembled Mohammed (pbuh) later that night so I guess I'm lucky after all
>>62882577
nice
>>62882434
d-did you like my one anon-kun
>>62882516
I don't have a gun you daft twat
>>62871109
kek
LOL, Is singles policy a real thing in America?
>find myself on the line to enter the cinema
>have no recollection of how i got there
>my head hurts slightly, feel a constant low pitched buzz ringing in my ears
>a gentle bump from the guy behind me reminds me the queue is moving forward towards the ticket checking guy, do i even have tickets? what is the movie?
>feel around in my pockets for some clue on whats going on.. for some reason i am compelled to just stay in the queue instead of leaving and finding out whats going on
>feel a piece of a paper on my left coat pocket.. is this the movie ticket?
>take it out of the pocket and read the front of it, its for an old movie i watched with my parents when i was a kid.. why would they show it at cinemas again?
>check the date on the ticket.. its dated... 20 years ago. what is going on?
>check the back of the ticket, there is something hand written here "WAKE UP", wake up? suddenly feel the sharpest pain ive ever felt on my forehead, some kind of old time bombing alert alarm starts loudly playing
>the wallpaper starts peeling off, revealing some kind of rusted metal wire mesh, we are now walking on a narrow metal bridge towards the ticket guy, all around us a chasm with no bottom in sight
>panic, just pure panic, that combination of adrenaline that sharpens your senses, notice nobody in the line is a person, they are just old mannequins walking trembling towards the front
>the siren is all i can hear now, that and a loud metal on metal THUMP; THUMP; THUMP coming from the front of the line
>>62882698
>daft twat
"EVERYONE, LOOK AT ME, I AM BRITISH XD, JUST LIKE THOSE SUPER DUPER POSH GENTLMEN ON THE... WAIT FOR IT... TUBE!!! AHAHAHA, I SHOULD WEAR A TOP HAT ON ACCOUNT OF HOW BRITISH I AM!!!! ALSO I CALL THEM LIFTS NOT ELEVATORS UNLIKE THOSE BLOODY YANKEES AM I RIGHT?!?!?! HAHAHAHA I LOOOOOOOVE SOCCER - WHOOPS! I MEANT FUTBOL XD I LOVE BEING SO BRITISHHHH, PLEASE GIVE ME MORE ATTENTION TY :) *bows and tips top hat and monocle*"
>go to local theater
>it's suddenly renamed film club
>get to my seat
>ask the person next to me why it's suddenly named film club
>6'7 black guard comes up
>"I'm sorry sir you can't talk about film club"
>"get it, it's a meme reference"
>everyone spontaneously shouts "upvoted"
>be confused
>"why didn't you upvote me?"
>"EDIT: you're under arrest for neglecting memes"
>spend night in jail
>>62882757
I'm American and even I don't know. I never go to the movies.
>>62882768
>>a gentle bump from the guy behind me reminds me the queue is moving forward towards the ticket checking guy, do i even have tickets? what is the movie?
nigga you should write novels 2bh
>>62872985
Moot has fallen on hard times..
>>62882757
Yes but it is way over exaggerated on here. In reality most theaters only enforce it on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. Singles are allowed to go any other day of the week as that just wouldn't be a sound business model. But yeah, don't listen to these guys making it sound like it is Nazi Germany, they only do it becuase of the Dark Knight shooting a few years ago and it is not like it is the law either. They arent forced to have a NSP, just for general safety.
>>62871079
Just release your falcon to peck his eyes out.
Waddle for cover in the shower room during the commotion.
>push my falcon's wheelchair to cinema to watch James Bond
>turns out it was a repeat
>slightly miffed but I bought a lollipop so I didn't want to leave early
>end up marathoning the whole movie
>sean connery still had it in him at 52
>try to undo my seatbelt to leave
>the lock is stuck and I struggle to pull it out
>everyone in the row is standing up and staring at me
>armed guard comes round and tells me to hurry up
>people in the cinema have rotated their seats to watch me battling with the seatbelt
>turns out you have to push then pull
>end up getting a 3/10 user score on imdb
>>62883020
>seatbelt
Dis thread is killing it
>go to see avengers 2 earlier this year
>get to the entrance and the security guards take me through the full body scanner
>'just checking your penis length and your relationship status chip sir.'
>start to feel nervous but remember ahmed hacked my chip to read that i have had sex over 200 times (just over the minimum) and am currently in a relationship
>'everything checks out okay sir, would you like to step out of the scanner.'
>as i'm stepping out the operator coughs and stretches out his palm
>i fork over a $100 tip
>'wow thanks a bunch' he replies sarcastically and rolls his eyes
>head over to the counter
>'1 ticket for the avengers 2 please'
>the girl gives me look
>'i was gonna bring my girlfriend but she's at home sick with brain fungus'
>her suspicious frown turns to an apologetic smile
>'is that all for you sir?'
>'um... i'll take a dulex box of crab legs and maybe a small box of popped cord.'
>she hands me over my snacks and ticket
>give her a $500 tip and head for the movie
>as i approach the theatre, i notice they've set up another security checkpoint
>'sorry for the inconvenience sir but we've had reports of disgusting virgins hacking into their relationship status chip.'
>'oh... well i've definitely had more than the minimum of 50 girlfriends.'
>'i'm sure you have sir but it's the precaution. just open up your skull and we'll have a look to see if your chip has had any modifications made to it.'
>'oh... um... you might not want to do that.'
>the security guard starts to look apprehensive
>'oh yeah, and why's that.'
>'uh...'
>i'm trying to find and excuse
>'BRAIN FUNGUS' i shout suddenly
>the security guard backs off
>'gross... ok fine we'll let you through.'
>i grin and throw some popcorn up into my mouth cus that's how i eat it
>>62877773
usually there's a raid by No-singles Task Force halfway through the movie. Once they'll catch you, you will end up in Cinema detaining facility for the night, while they'll run you through social media databases. If you have over 200 friends on FB and same number of followers on Instagram, you're good. If you don't even have FB or Instagram, you're fucked. 25 years or death penalty in my country.
>>62879746
I don't go to the cinema. I attend Kíno.
>>62882698
archbishop of banterbury desu
quick, get that sneaky nandos in before islamic prayer times start again
>go see DUDE WEED LMAO christmas movie
>empty theater
>floor cleaner walks in with his fag vest and makes sure the emergency door is closed so i don't go to my car and come back with my complimentary assault rifle
>watch 3 people with fedoras come in
>go take a piss before the movie starts
>dude literally offers to suck my dick in the bathroom
I fucking hate central oregon.
Some of y'all niggas would make dope ass dystopia writers. If you write about a Social Justice dystopia you could easily write a bestseller these days
>Projecterate Documentarian Ethics Image Festival.
>Film on dorsals, the ethics of cutting/notcutting. Their purposes, etc.
>"Did you know the dorsal fin has approximately ten million nerve endings."
>Interesting ideologies on display.
>Suddenly I begin to feel a rumbling behind me.
>Smell of chocolate.
>It is a beluga.
>"I vastly prefer mythology."
>Postnarratology Beluga.
>Panic.
>Begin to raise my arms in protest.
>Am told to lower them by Theater Staff.
>I am upset.
Fucking Belugas.
>theatre DJ puts on house music instead of R'n'B
>everybody stops dancing
>nobody watches the film anymore as everybody waits for a better song to watch to
Fuck these threads remind me of those fembot room images on /r9k/
Something unsettling about them, on a deeper level
>That gazelle that escaped from the theater's zoo
>>62883878
Post them or at least a link
>>62883906
http://imgur.com/a/TSuBR
Some of them are /soc/ stuff
Others get really abstract
>Go to discount screening of Vacation
>Pick up bathing token along with three nails pryed from the hands of an albatross
>the water in the showers is hot, excruciating
>try to escape but something forbids me
>flailing arms pound against a barrier unseen
>No blasphemy escapes my lips, but the liquid fury makes me repeat horrible cries
>"Pardon, my god! Pardon, Lord!"
>The shower ends. My assigned shooter looks at my burnt, trembling body and takes pity upon me
>Points his gun at the Master Inspectress and kneels beside me to help me to my feet
>He drags me to my seat where I stare at the empty screen, the fabric of the seatbelt tearing boiled skin from my lap
>A lidless eye wreathed in flames emerges
>I feel nothing. I am nothing.
>My legs leave my body, loafers falling off from pointed feet
>I look down at my shattered claws, succulent meat still clinging to the inside
>"Aye" chants the crowd
>"My job is tough", sings the blacksmith
>He begins a choreographed dance with the shooter and the inspectress
>Try to speak but choke on butter
>When death comes for all as it will and as it must, no one will mourn you
Holiday Road
>Go to see The Lady in the Van, rated 12A starring Maggie Smith, in 3D
>Go with my mum to get past NSP
>the commander of the cinema vanguard flirts with my mum openly
>"what's a gorgeous young woman like you doing with a schmuck like him"
>realize the commander is jewish
>he throws my mum to the troops for them to pass around
>forced to masturbate to prove we're a romantic couple
>the ordeal is finally over and we are let through the cinema gatehouse
>my mum is still pulling on her clothes as we walk up the tree lined avenue through the perfectly manicured cinema grounds
>despite the beautiful scenery, guards wielding laser halberds with unclipped-cock seeking automatic targetting systems line the road
>as we reach the front aunting the valets appear at our sides to take our car to the parking area
>we went on foot, so I just gave the black valet my home keys and our address for "liability purposes"
>after purchasing our tickets (1000 yuan paid in monthly installments direct to the people's republic of china)
>we strip off our clothes and feed them into the incinerator
>step onto the conveyor belt for decontamination
>my mother's geiger count is off the chart
>she gets tipped into the incinerator too
>I'm showing normal levels of radiation so they just throw lime on me to burn away my parasites
>they give me a set of plastic cinema pyjamas
>hand me me a receipt for the gold fillings and jewelry my mother had
>receipt says a donation has been made in your name to PETA
>step into the movie pod
>pod ascends into the theatre mothership
>feel a slight bump as the energy fields descend into hyperspace
>fields find traction and we begin to accelerate into the heavens
>as we reach lightspeed I see the movie projected onto pluto from hubble projector stationed at a lagrange point between jupiter and the sun
>by the time we circumnavigate the sun the next scene is showing
>whole film is blue-shifted because the pilot was going too fast
Maggie Smith was charming as always
>go to the local cinema to watch Spectre
>ticket guy stops me and says I'm violating the no seagulls policy
>do a double take and tell the retard that it's called a no singles policy and my falcon is not a seagull
>immediately catch a sniper round in the kneecap from the guard tower for insubordinate conduct, ticket guy pepper sprays as I'm down
>wake up later in a dark room chained to the radiator, once I look around I realize I'm surrounded by dismembered crabs, they're not even dead, they're all alive and looking at me
>every half hour someone from the cinema staff opens the door to the room and throws in several live crabs telling me to rib the legs off and put them in a bucket
>I have to tip the guy who throws in the crabs $20 every time he opens the door
>>62883945
Thanks, I thought they were like Real life pics like pic related
>>62875857
Here's a tip. When the dance intermission starts, do the macarena. The theater judges are usually hispanic.
That's how you win Best Theater Dance Boy :^)
>visiting the cinema in Europe
>the loaner falcons are all Muslim
>my falcon Ahmad won't have any of the crab legs I offer him because it isn't halal
>have to tip the falcon 40 euros as the sharia infidel tax
>as I say goodbye to him before returning him I wish him blessings from the prophet muhammad
>I forget to say peace be upon him, the Cultural Sensitivity agents in the cinema lobby hit me with an annually recurring 1000 euro fine wired to Islamic State bank accounts
Goosebumps was okay
>film about to begin, lights go down
>reach into my cinema trenchcoat
>withdraw a filled diaper
>throw it at the screen as hard as i can
>born in the theatre, grew up in the theatre, lived in the theatre and knew I would die in the theatre
>father was a ticket ripper, mother was a crab masseuse
>we lived with the rest of the theatre-born, in a huge building under the theatre. The building was shaped like a billiards board as seen from above, seven concentric circles dividing us between the theatre castes, with the lowest castes on the outside and the emperor of the theatre (Peace be upon him) in the center
>mother was born into class 5, the third lowest class of worker, which consisted of the seat warmers, the cage cleaners, the crab masseuse and the prostitutes for class 2. They were not often tipped and many times did their job for free
>father was class 3, a fairly respectable place among the theatre-folk, the outsiders were legally required to give a tip to any of these workers. Father had to work hard to get people to choose him as their ticket ripper, there were approximately 700 other ticket rippers at any given time on the floor
1/2
>>62884592
>father fell in love with mother on his way to inform one of the watchmen of a man attempting to break the no singles policy by disguising a horse as his wife. My father had the eyes of a hawk, and would never let any outsider slip by without the proper paperwork
>my father brought the man and his horse into the Class 2 designated interracial breeding grounds, where the dark skinned guardsman fornicate with the pale women of class 5.
>with two very dark, very large men inside her, my father and my mother met eachother's eyes, and it was love at first sight
>my father scrounged his tip money for three years, eating nothing but floor popcorn illegally sold by the class 6's floor lickers and drinking the dirty crab water that he stole from the gigantic underground crab hatchery
>in three years time father bought her from vice admiral ja'queen of the IBG, the law states she must be transferred to a different job within the class, since she never learned to speak (it was unnecessary as a slave for life to the IBG) he chose for her, crab masseuse.
>since the moment I could stand I was trained in the ways of ticket ripping
>i've honed my skill and tore all of my tickets perfectly for the ticket ripping certification exam held on my 18th birthday
Sorry 2/3
>>62884617
>first day on the floor
>the whole day I'm trying desperately to get an outsider to choose me as their ticket ripper, my station is clean and flawless, my uniform is unwrinkled and spotless, my demeanor professional but friendly
>in the last few minutes of work an outsider male comes up to me, shakily hands me a ticket, which I tear flawlessly and hand back to him with a beaming smile
>I hold out my hand waiting for my first bit of tip money i've earned myself
>the man hands me a dirty green penny with a bit of gum stuck on it
>"I d-don't believe in tipping, g-get a real job" he tells me with a face of fearful defiance
>internally i'm in a vortex of torment, thinking about my dead mother and crippled father I have to feed with this penny
>externally I say "enjoy your movie sir" with a smile that seemed almost genuine
>we lock eyes one last time as he exclaims "y-you too"
>>62884050
>whole film is blue-shifted because the pilot was going too fast
>>62876234
I'm always one of the last ones out, so that doesn't affect me.
>not drinking coffee with butter
>visit same theatre every week
>one day owner comes out and asks if i want a job as a projectionist
>ok
>all i do is sit in the projection booth and watch movies
>start sneaking some of the older movie reels home
>one day sneak the spare projector home
>set it all up in my bedroom
>start watching citizen kane
>hear parents come home
>try to shut off the projector
>mum busted in and said whats that noise
>mum you're just jealous its the beastie boys
>want to see film
>cant find a cinema
>end up going to a theater
>they only show flicks
>go to cinema alone to see The Visit
>after I pass asshole inspection, a nice chinaman approaches me with a piping hot dish of chicken chow mein
>I'd take him up on his offer if it weren't for that glint in his eye
>the same glint I'd seen in my mothers eyes earlier that day when she bought me my ticket on fandango
>it was a big trick
>all a sham, a ruse to get me to clean her shoes
>I spent 3 hours polishing the shoes until I simply had to leave to catch the movie
>declining the Chinese gentlemans advances, I trudged onward into my theater
>barefoot of course as to not get the carpets dirty
>instead of The Visit starting though
>a live stream appeared on the movie screen
>it was my mom eating chicken chow mein out of her shoes
>I pounded my chest like King Kong and screamed at it!!!
>it wouldn't go away
>the movie theater King has his men escort me out of my theater and into the coliseum
>I am made to fight the lion
>that's it, I'm done for, no getting out of this one
>the lion suddenly looks away, distracted by what?
>it's the Chinese man with a piping hot bowl of chicken chow mein
>he serves up the lion and saves me
>we hit the cinema showers
>afterwards I finally sit down to watch The Visit
>Pink Flamingos plays instead but without sound
>instead, Talking Heads songs are played over the speakers throughout
>wiggle in my seat to Burnin Down The House
>going to see Carol in honor of Transgender Memorial Day
>decide to empty a couple clips at the theater's self-defense firing range
>go there and they say they're closed today to avoid violating the tranny safe space set up in the middle of the lobby
>ask if I can use the flintlock pistol I always carry around with me under my trench coat
>on my way to the range accidentally violate the tranny safe space and they throw feces on me
>go to the showers but forget that I kept cartridges in my fanny pack
>gunpowder got all wet and I failed penis inspection because I didn't have any surgical scars on Tranny remembrance day
