Shit players say thread.
My PCs just hit level 4. I threw some ghouls at them, which they were able to dispatch without too much trouble. The gunslinger then goes:
>Wow guys. Have you all realized how badass we are now?
Reminder level 5 is liteeally the threshold for being superhuman in dnd
>>46459094
Which edition? Or are you--as is the case of many posts beginning with "reminder"--just repeating something you've heard or read before?
D&D should never get higher thab lvl 6.
>>46459129
this board has a serious problem with regurgitating things they read.
3.5 is probably the best edition of D&D for people with experience who know what they are doing, and it's balance issues are fixed with supplemental literature like the Tome of Battle.
It will never be recognized as such because memes.
>>46459134
That's where the fun begins, anon.
>>46459129
Not that guy, but in 5E it works like this:
1-4 = "apprentice adventurers", these guys are heroes to a local town or village here and there at best.
5-10 = "pro adventurers", characters start getting their more fun powers, and they're becoming more widely known, possibly even being national heroes. This is where you get fireballs and superpowered martials doing crazy things.
11-16 = "legendary fucks", 6th level spells start happening, people start saving the world here and there's a fucking handful of them at any given point in time. People know your name before you even get there.
17+ = "fucking marvel superheroics", entire planes might call you Big Damn Heroes, and there's probably history books that will be made with your names and stories being primary material in them.
>>46459203
>3.5
>The "max ranks equals character level, trained skills get +3" thing Pathfinder took from I forget who started that
>Bo9S and Psionic classes only
>Make "magic" and "psionic" synonyms and interchangable terms for things like magic items and whatnot
>Alchemy checks can make healing potions of varying quality if you spend dosh on materials
This was easily the most fun I had in 3.X.
>>46459129
I believe he's referring to this (http://thealexandrian.net/wordpress/587/roleplaying-games/dd-calibrating-your-expectations-2) article by the Alexandrian.
The basic idea is that 3.5 actually does a surprisingly good job of simulating "reality", and this is shown in skill checks and the such. An excerpt:
>There’s a common fallacy when it comes to D&D, and it goes something like: Einstein was a 20th level physicist. So, in D&D, Einstein – that little old man – has something like a bajillion hit points and you’d need to stab him dozens of times if you wanted to kill him. That’s ridiculous!
>The problem with this argument is that Einstein wasn’t a 20th level physicist. A 20th level physicist is one step removed from being the God of Physicists. Einstein was probably something more like a 4th or 5th level expert.
>This can be a little bit difficult for some people to accept, so let’s run the math. At 5th level an exceptional specialist like Einstein will have:
>>+8 skill ranks
>>+4 ability score bonus
>>+3 Skill Focus
>In the case of our 5th level Einstein, that gives him a +15 bonus to Knowledge (physics) checks. He can casually answer physics-related questions (by taking 10) with a DC of 25. Such questions, according to the PHB description of the Knowledge skill, are among the hardest physics questions known to man. He’ll know the answers to the very hardest questions (DC 30) about 75% of the time.
I recommend reading the whole thing, just because it's a fascinating piece on how good game design can be enhanced by knowing when to break from reality.
>>46458836
>Playing 5e with some players that are completely new to tabletop in general.
>Using roll20 because online community.
>running through character creation and filling out the character tables
>One of our player's confused about the equipment section
>"Wait how does the game know what I have in my backpack?"
>literal pause of silence in the call
>sudden outburst of laughter
couldn't stop crying from laughter.
>>46458836
So you dislike your players because they are enjoying themselves, or are there any other reasons that they are "shit players"?
>>46459739
reread the first 4 words
>>46459739
Shit is a noun, not an adjective, in OP's sentence, anon.
>>46459694
Wait what?
>>46459694
As one of the new players, I can say it was pretty great hearing it
>>46459694
I don't understand.
>>46459946
Roll20,virtual tabletop, has a backpack system where you have slots where you type in your equipment. The guy thought the game would just automatically track his equipment without him doing anything
>>46458836
>Forever DMing for roommate and a couple of our mutual friends. Roommate, Guy 1, Guy 2, and the hero of our story, That Guy.
>That Guy spends most of his time at our house destroying our bathroom because he only eats tendies and White Castle.
>Tries to use the oven one night, frozen pizza.
>Throws it in, we're playing.
>An hour and a half later the smoke alarm goes off.
>Run downstairs, That Guy holding up a 12" pepperoni and charcoal floor tile that he forgot to take out of the oven.
>He looks at me, holding his unholy creation with a pair of tongs and an oven mitt. Smoke coiling across the ceiling, oven hood resolutely shut off.
>I look upon the devastation that has been wrought on my peaceful home.
>"Your oven doesn't beep like the microwave at my house, I forgot."
>>46459606
thealexandrian when 3.5:
>The system isn't shit
>You just don't understand its nuances!
>You should just calibrate your expectations
thealexandrian when not 3.5:
>The system is shit
>I don't understand it
>Why doesn't it confirm to my expectations?
>>46460962
Is 3.5 the only system he likes or something?
>>46459606
>In the case of our 5th level Einstein, that gives him a +15 bonus to Knowledge (physics) checks. He can casually answer physics-related questions (by taking 10) with a DC of 25. Such questions, according to the PHB description of the Knowledge skill, are among the hardest physics questions known to man. He’ll know the answers to the very hardest questions (DC 30) about 75% of the time.
And he couldn't even make his mind up on whether or not gravitational waves are physical or just coordinate jiggles.
>>46459606
While interesting, I think this kind of misrepresents the problem some people have with the whole superhuman part and misses the point.
I don't have a problem with levels because herpaderp the best farmer in the world would be level 20 and able to take a bullet to the face and shrug it off or anything like that.
My problem, and I think a lot of other peoples, revolve more around how silly the omg ultra stronk high level thing is when you know you're still just going to be fighting harder monsters and challenges, so it still evens out, and all you're really accomplishing is making the setting look stupid as shit by comparison.
If it's just as hard for a normal person to fight a normal person as it is for a superhero with swords, high level, omg getting mythical up in here person to fight someone similarly epic, while one of those works in sensible, immersive settings, and the other turns it into dragonball in off-brand middle earth, why would I ever pick the latter?
Which basically all boils down to taste, some people love dungeons and dragonballs, I hate it, it doesn't mean one is right, as long as you're having fun, that's what matters.
Which is why making a "logical argument" and waving it around, going "hah, I have the numbers, D&D is NOT stupid you guys!" is not going to convince anyone who didn't already like it.
>>46459203
And for anyone who hasn't been playing it for a decade it's a minefield of trap options, ridiculous rules cruft, and accidentally achievable game snapping.
I have been playing it for long enough to navigate the clusterfuck but teaching new players how to deal with its bullshit is nowhere near worth the effort.
>>46462150
He's ridiculously generous in his defenses of 3.x and shits on most everything else (though I haven't seen his opinions of 5e, and won't because his opinions are awful). He has a massive hate boner for anything remotely approaching a narrative mechanic.
Very much a bad wrong fun sort of person.
>>46462644
So, you're saying that if the only reward for getting more powerful is fighting things that are more powerful so it's a fair match, you might as well not get significantly more powerful and dodge the complications of wizards being able to casually open rifts in reality? That's a fair point.
But really, D&D is always going to be stupid, even if the numbers make sense at lower levels, because magic takes all of that 'casual realism' that the author flaunts about puts it squarely in the garbage.
>>46459606
Though really, the question has to be asked, if all it takes to be the very best, like no one ever was, at your chosen skill is to reach level 5, why do the other fifteen levels exist? And why is D&D 3.5 a good game for including those levels? I mean, if master statesmen are effectively level 5, why do you need to go past level 6 if you can already become king by your own hand?
>Playing AD&D
>Player complains that his level 2 Mage is useless 90% of the time and is a whole level or two behind the rest of the party.
>Remind him that he has a third of the available level 1 spells and a scroll of web in case something serious happens.
>"I thought wizards were supposed to be fun to play. I'll never get passed level 3 in this game so fuck off with the 'you'll get stronger later' bullshit".
>I just sit there and calmly tell him that his character failed a fort check against surviving him shoving his head so far up his own ass and died instantly.
>>46463358
>>46463358
Well you could stop there (and some people do), but the point of those other levels is to become a demigod.
>>46459606
This guy thinks that an average person can kick down a well built exterior door in 5-6 kicks. That isn't realistic.
Well, he actually thinks they could do this with their shoulder because he's an idiot, but still. He's trying to argue that D&D is realistic, but he obviously isn't experienced enough in reality to support his argument.
>>46463390
I don't think you did that correctly, it sounds to me like his head would fit quite comfortably up his own arse.
He'd asphyxiate slowly
>>46463415
*provides you are not a martial
If a high level martial could do the sort of shit Hercules got away with 3.5 would be a lot more fun.
>>46460657
>12" pizza
>Microwave
What
>>46463561
What, you've got a small microwave?
>>46463528
Maybe he lives in a place with shitty doors.
>>46463390
>>Remind him that he has a third of the available level 1 spells and a scroll of web in case something serious happens.
So he has 9 level 1 spells picked at random (some stuff is truly worthless) and a single shot level 2 spell that gets immediately destroyed if the monster I question passes (basically) a roll of 18-HD?
>a whole level or two behind the rest of the party.
A cleric in AD&D gets a WIS bonus to daily spell slots and levels up the second fastest out of all available classes. Also can cast in armor. I can see why the guy is pissed.
>>"I thought wizards were supposed to be fun to play. I'll never get passed level 3 in this game so fuck off with the 'you'll get stronger later' bullshit".
Legitimate answer here as most games die off before the party can level up more than once. Also wizards in AD&D are legitimately boring as they can only do X (often countered by spell resistance) things a day where X is their level.
>The rest
You're the ass here
>>46463551
Part of the problem there is that Hercules gets to do shit not because of his class but because of what is in effect his race (half-Olympian). To make that work for any joe schmo you'd need a system where deification is something that happens as a result of skill or deeds and not parentage. Maybe make it kind of like mantling in TES: if you are enough of a badass that people start to think you're a God well then you start to actually become a God.
>our group is dealing with Lovecraft stuff (DM likes Lovecraft stories, read them all, likes to put planar rifts linking to them through the campaign and has the rifts tied to the plot)
>one group tells us to save ourselves and run
>our barbarian (calling her D) jumps in front of them, ready for battle
>"Don't worry, I'm the hero!"
I literally almost challenged her to a duel to forcefully leave her there. This is how she functions.
>>46463826
Another story about D, actually, this one's funny.
>playing a campaign I'm DMing
>basically vanilla D&D, except set about 1000 years in the future technologically
>never developed space travel/satellites, so long-distance communication is reserved for the rich, but robotics tech is abundant
>allow D to start learning how to hack things
>she gets tasked to steal something from the police station (she's a rogue)
>tries to hack a security panel on the back door
>officer immediately busts out and arrests her
She didn't even check for security cameras. They'd already gotten close to being arrested because they were spotted killing a bandit in the street, they only got away because of the other DM's diplomacy check and the fact that they were attacked by the bandit.
>>46460657
What. Does That Guy cook full-size frozen pizzas in his microwave? DI'd you expect to have a beeping oven? How did he expect anything to beep if he doesn't set a timer?
>>46463358
The vast majority of people in the world of that game won't go past level 5 in terms of experience and it will take them a while to get there, if they do get to 5. Those people aren't going to be constantly fighting monsters and villains. The rest of the levels exist for the people (the PCs) who are consistently fighting those things. Those people are usually a bit too distracted to become an expert in anything that doesn't immediately help them defend all of the people who can try to become experts.
>>46464551
I suppose the real question is how anyone survives in a world where two rats are a credible threat to the existence of a village.
>>46464612
Each village must have a "rat guy" who was trained from childhood to deal specifically with rats and similar such vermin
small hamlets share this guy between them and he travels around.
>>46464046
>How did he expect anything to beep if he doesn't set a timer?
He was a moron. Like, you can even set ovens to turn off after a certain time, but he was a moron. What more is there to explain?
>>46464612
Well, with the rat thing, you could just have a cat. As for just about everything else, people could just do the smart thing and NOT go near any creature that can mortally wounded you.
>>46463561
Amreeka, land of the free.
>>46465000
Like a goat, or a horse.
>>46462310
>He’ll know the answers to the very hardest questions (DC 30) about 75% of the time.
To be fair, it's taken a century to validate that gravitational waves are even there.
>>46459606
The problem being that some 1st level dude with 16 int and 2 skill ranks is going to know the answer to some of the hardest physics questions known to mankind. Not at any great rate, but he will.
And this isn't even a proper student, this is an intelligent dabbler.
>>46465977
Well it has happened before that some extremely difficult problems were solved on accident by people with a passing interest.
For instance, the discovery that the universe was expanding comes to mind.
>>46460657
Is that Mark Rosewater as a kid?
>>46465977
Or that your streetwise rogue is liable to be the nation's leading scholar on multiple topics ranging from the genealogy of the royal family to the nature of the relationships between the planes, as well as a master architect, despite having spent his entire life picking pockets.
>>46458836
What's wrong with a feeling of accomplishment?
>>46459606
So Einstein only had like two or three times as many hit points as the average soldier?
>>46460657
>>46464046
I'm pretty sure he never cooked ANYTHING at his house that didn't come out of the microwave, but once a week he'd come over to my house and ruin something there instead. Some highlights include:
>Spaghetti burned into a carbon/noodle pile because he put too little water in, then forgot about it on the stove.
>A solid brick of Bakelite that he attempted to disguise as brownies, which he made at his house. They weren't even crunchy, they were solid.
>Left a ceramic mug in the microwave for 15 minutes, burned the everloving shit out of his hands.
>Once microwaved a raw chicken breast for ~5 minutes, ate it for three bites before he threw it away.
>Tried to cook ravioli in a sealed can in the microwave, I managed to turn it off and throw it outside to avoid a surface detonation (can looked like a water balloon, I had it in a lacrosse stick).
>Tried to cook ravioli in an open can on the stove, forgot about it, charcoal cylinder thrown away a few hours later.
The guy was like the "Will it Blend" dude except "Can I fuck up cooking it." The answer was always yes, and my kitchen always looked like ground zero afterwards. He eventually sperged out over in-game shit before I asked him to leave for attempting to burn my house down.
>>46467919
>He eventually sperged out over in-game shit
Don't leave us hanging.
>>46467919
>sealed can in the microwave
...a metal can? How could he cook with a microwave at home if he didn't know not to put metal in there?
>>46467919
> letting this mother fucker constantly into your house
Honestly if you all died it's your fault for being so beta to keep him around. The shit people put up with just to have a group.
>>46467919
>>46468028
(1/2)
So, a little background.
>Party comprised of four people, me Forever DMing Dark Heresy
>Roommate playing a Guardsman (flavored as a commissar) leading around a knowledge/lore techpriest (Guy 1), a cleric with an Executioner (Guy 2), and a Scum (That Guy)
>That Guy's character recruited by the commissar on his introduction into the campaign, a Feral World peon with a coat full of knives. All his points in being a tough melee meathead, except for Agility.
>20ish Agility.
>Slow as government work.
The commissar character was a direct underling to the Inquisitor, and my roommate played him straight, the ideal Imperial Commissar. Staunch, stern, zealous, brave and true. And a little "Come on you apes, do you wanna live forever," but I run fairly soft-toothed campaigns and so it came across as more heroic than dumb. Anyways.
>Investigating a forgotten Mechanicus outpost on a shit planet formerly occupied by dozens of feral villages.
>Feral villagers all gone. Mysterious clues point to a savior who had come to protect them, congregating at the ruins.
>Party explores the ruins, creepy atmosphere, jungle overtaking the facility. Remains of some kind of Biologis experimentation.
>Eventually happen upon a massive surgical chamber where a not-Blight-Knight is extolling the virtues of Father Nurgle to a couple hundred disgusting, diseased thralls.
>Surgical chamber being used to make (essentially) Nurgle-worshipping Arco-Flagellants.
>Party makes a stealth check to avoid being spotted, hide in the doorway.
>Guy 1 and Guy 2 start to move to secure an exit, Commissar and That Guy stay behind to record as much as they can for the Inquisitor to justify landing Guard or Astartes on the planet to clean this shit out.
>That Guy spots a sword on one of the nearby thralls.
>Sword looks oddly ancient, in pristine condition despite its filth-encrusted bearer.
>That Guy opens his mouth to speak
>Commissar suddenly having Nam flashbacks
>"I take the sword."
>>46468382
(2/2)
>Before I can confirm he rolls a fucking Agility check.
>Rolls in the mid 70s. Look on his face like he just sat on his balls.
>"The thrall you just tried to steal from turns around and immediately lets out a wet, piercing shriek of alarm. They immediately begin to move towards you."
>"How fast?"
>"One meter per turn."
>Thralls absolutely shit-tier, slow, failed Nurgle-flagellants or newly converted worshippers. Weak, terrifically slow, no armor.
>Commissar has decent initiative, immediately bolts for the exit as fast as he can while keeping his hat on.
>That Guy's character bolts for the exit almost as slowly as the fucking zombies.
>Flagellants pursue through the facility.
>They're fast- very fast. Catch That Guy and the Commissar on the stairs leading out, covered by the techpriest and the cleric (who are about to seal all the shit inside via the priest's insane Tech-Use check)
>That Guy gets nervous, "You need to wait for me."
>Commissar shrugs, "Just run every round, you can't fight them all."
>"I'm optimized for close combat."
>Thralls sloooowly catching up.
>That Guy taking hit after hit in melee, refusing to run, slow ass regular moves.
>Thralls at the foot of the stairs.
>Tech Priest out of ammo
>Commissar makes his last move action past the door.
>Tech Priest shuts the door.
>That Guy's eyes bug out a little.
>"Wow, you're a fucking asshole, this is supposed to be a fucking game."
>"Why didn't you just leave?"
>"I was fighting the Chaos guys! That's what you're supposed to do!"
At this point it degenerated into the Commissar, Cleric, and Techpriest telling him he was retarded for grabbing the sword, and further retarded for hanging around on the stairs farming XP. He called me a power tripper, the Commissar a powergamer, and a faggot. I told him he probably should take a break from the game and he said I should take a break from breathing.
Two months later he called me up to play in a DnD game, which I refused. Haven't seen him since.
>One of my first times DM-ing
>Having difficulty with the group, who are basically all murderhobos with morality that seems to change with every sentence
>at one point, they have to ask a woman where her son is, as he knows the secret entrance to a bandit hideout
>They find the kid, and a pair of bandits. After a fairly bloody fight, the kid gets injured, and they fix him up, and take him back to the mother
>I decide to play it a bit against the heroes, and have the mother slap one of the heroes after she sees her son and a group of strangers covered in bloodTo be honest, they DID fuck up the town in an earlier adventure, but still
>They decide to flatout kill the mother, just cause she panicked for her son's safety
>I'm just getting annoyed, cause i've no real experience DM-ing, so still not figuring out how the game will even work if all the NPCs are dead
>Just get annoyed and drop a dragon on the fuckers
>Two of them roll succesful stealth checks to hide before the dragon spots them
>The other two get spotted, run into the town, basically wanting the town to get fucked with them
>Green Dragon, so it starts breathing poison gas, but neglect to mention it's poison gas, but do mention how the town is gassed out so even if they do beat it, town and game is kinda dicked
>One of the people who hid wants to light the gas
>I let it happen simply cause i'm inexperienced, it's all going to shit, and much as I am being a "That Guy" DM, the fact that the only route this group goes with is flatout murder, I just don't care
>Gas ignites. It shouldn't but whatever
>Enitre town burns
>all villagers burn
>two of the party dies
>Guy who burns everything turns to me
>"How much XP does that get me?"
I kinda laughed, but considering I basically sacrificed my character due to the old DM dropping out, was kind of annoyed with how these guys only were really fussed about killing shit
>>46468293
I accept that, I'd have ridden to Valhalla shiny and splattered with ravioli for my mistake. At the time I thought he was well-meaning and oblivious rather than just a dumbass.
>>46460657
If it's any consolation, your extemely DM-esque telling of this story had me in stiches.
>>46459313
Magic/psionic transparency is supposed to be the default, btw.
>>46465568
Or a cat!
>>46458836
So is this supposed to be like the "Out of Context D&D Quotes" from fucking Reddit? Because I have to admit that I god damnlovethem.
>>46468823
>these guys only were really fussed about killing shit
haveyoutriednotplayingD&D.jpg
>>46470702
What about that sentence implies it could only happen in D&D?
>>46463643
>I have to earn my potentially game breaking spells and use tactics? Waaa!
>Doesn't know about sleep because he didn't read the rulebook? this is everyone else's fault!
>I'm not intrinsically the best class because of poor game balance? Waaa!
>Calling Magic Resistance Spell Resistance, confirmed faggot who doesn't know what he's talking about
>Just another shit poster with a bad case of 3.PF brain damage.
>>46467919
He wasn't just a That Guy... he was a Darkside Phil. My condolences, Anon.
>>46471780
That Guy cooking lunch...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b9T0p4e2_Cg
>>46471865
That Guy is late for the game:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z06Hz4pIzlA
>>46462150
He can be an ass, but I think a lot of 4e people are just butthurt because he was absolutely right about why 4e was fucking terrible.
>>46463658
Same can be said of Gandalf and no one ever argues about wizards getting his stuff.
Mind you wizards get way more than that as well, with no basis in anything at all really.
>>46472413
I hate 4e and that faggot has never been right about anything.
>>46468720
>not dying fighting the hordes of the ruinous power
Fucking heretics
