Sup /tg/, share your stories of stupid people at your games.
>be DM
>players are in one of the richest cities in the kingdom
>its morning and all of them go in the centre of the first district to buy consumables and repair equipment
>sorcerer gets lost
>starts to search for the monk in their group
>rolls a 1
>I tell him: "After about 1 hour of searching you end up in the shittiest part of the district, to your right is a shady pub, your senses tell you that you should get out of there as fast as possible"
>him: "I enter the pub, maybe I'll find the monk there"
>lol wut
>he enters
>I tell him: "When you enter the stench of beer stained wood fill your nostrils and bunch of shady looking people turn their heads towards you and stare with their bloodshot eyes"
>him: "I start looking around for the monk"
>rolls another 1
>I tell him: "You catch the gaze of a really intimidating thug, one of his eyes is missing due to a cut across his eye socket, he gets up and shouts at you "What the bloody hell are you starring at boy, piss off!" while he takes his dagger out of his belt"
>him: "Sorry I was just just looking around the bar for my friend" and he remains there
>I tell him: "Your friend aint here, and your instincts tell you to run as the man approaches, stopping right in front of your with his dagger pointing towards your chest"
>him: "I try to intimidate him by leaning into his dagger"
>I stopped, everyone stopped
>paused the game and went for a smoke
>returned and asked him again "What are you doing?"
>him: "I try to intimidate him by leaning into his dagger!"
>Instantly killed his character
I'm still wondering what the fuck happened that evening
>>46241099
>shit stupid players did
Question my authority.
seriously though:
>party has an audience with the king after slaying a small dragon
>describe the throne room and people therein
>second i get to the princess the bard pipes up
"I rolls to seduce the princess."
>everything goes quiet
>mage player just blurts out
"WHY?! Whywhywhy?!"
"Its perfect see? I hit her up and we marry. If she doesn't fall in love i can at least knock her up and she HAS to marry me! Bing bang boom we get a fucking castle AND a nation."
>uh-are you sure?
>YES.
>okay...roll.
>2
>you shout across the throne room loud enough for everyone to hear and proposition her on the spot
>the king is NOT happy about this
>panics and for some reason panics and shanks a guard to escape
>rest of the party is smart and gets arrested with no fuss and is later released after they make a case that they are individuals and not wholly representative of the group so are not responsible for the bards actions and his actions should not reflect on them
>meanwhile
>bard in his wild escape attempt shanks a maid and steals her clothes leaving behind her bleeding out body in the hall
>guard follow the blood trail from the clothes he was attempting to wear as a disguise and makes another run
>bard dies naked as he gets cornered in an indoor park inside the castle
>party was released but is no longer welcome in the kingdom
The player insists his plan was flawless at every step and the only thing that brought failure was the dice.
>Players have ventured into Hell in order to <PLOT>
>Players have attended a slave auction in Hell, in order to purchase a slave for an Aranea so she'll let them take her shortcut to where they need to go
>Paladin is involved
>Plans on bamboozling the Aranea
>Seems like a good plan to me, but that's where the good planning ended
>Party is trying to negotiate a better deal for a particular slave the Aranea wants
>Auction guards are getting antsy
>Paladin really wants to smite the slave master
>He's got a mighty tingling in his smitin' arm
>I know this guy, he'll smite from sun-up to sun-down and his work will never be done
>but he has a particular ritual, when it comes to smitin'
>You see, he'll smite an evildoer because his god requires it
>He'll smite an evildoer because he needed smitin'
>He'll smite an evildoer just for getting in his way
>He'll even smite evildoers who were just buggin' him with their evildoin'
>but before he smites anyone, he always wants to be sure
>Surely that won't be necessary in this case, the guy's running a slave auction
>Surely he won't need to make sure, he's surrounded by slave owners and slave buyers and slave sellers in the midst of literal actual hell
>Surely he can just skip to the smiting, this time if no other
>* [PALADIN] gets ready to summon [SPECIAL MOUNT] if he has to run.
>* [PALADIN] uses detect evil, just to be ready
Now, I had to really quickly look up the detection spells to find out how much evil would be overwhelming, and what the effects should be. Obviously, he was facing down about 30-50HD of evil creatures, creatures with evil descriptors, and literal demons. Not to mention he was in literal actual Hell. And, though I wouldn't hold it against him for not knowing, he was currently within the personal space of a potent god of evil. I was well within my right to simply declare his head exploded, but wisely decided to just have him stunned.
>[PALADIN] (I KNOW THIS WAS STUPID)
>[ROGUE] (BUT YOU DID IT ANYWAY.)
>>46241227
To be fair, level 10 or so, that would probably work.
>>46241343
Yeah if he tried diplomacy to cover his ass or something rather than kill a kingsguard infront of the king and court.
Bute, nupe! Better start a murder spree! THAT will get me out of trouble!
>>46241343
>I roll to seduce the princess
>Across a crowded throne room
What, by waggling your eyebrows at her when no-one's looking? At least wait till you're alone together
Also
>I roll to seduce
>DM not asking how they go about doing it
>>46241309
Looking back, I should have had the player blinded, because that would have been an interesting thing to deal with in the final sessions. But it might have also made the final encounter even more impossible. As it was, I had to let the BBEG basically commit tactical suicide to let the party damage him.
>>46241099
Your fault for using a part of town for railroading and having it kill him unless he gets back on track just because.
>>46241099
>your senses tell you that you should get out of there as fast as possible"
You are a terrible DM. You should feel bad.
>>46241413
This. If you want to seduce an NPC you'd best be ready to tell how you do that because life isn't a goddamned porno, and you can't bed a princess by yelling "Ay gurl u want sum fuk?!".
>>46241930
>life isn't a goddamned porno
and games aren't life, bro.
>>46241099
>running EotE military game set during the Clone Wars
>Party consists of:
>NPC Jedi Master General. He's technically in charge of the Republic fleet the players control, but is very hands off. He's secretly behind some shit.
>Awkward female Jedi Knight bookworm. She's technically the party leader, but is hilariously unfit to lead at times
>Minigun Clone Commander. Nails the character and the accent perfectly. Super believable
>Beefy Fleet Admiral
>(secret) Clawdite (Changling) mercenary, hired to join the battlegroup
>The Changeling is working at a bench in the ship hangar, preparing his weapons.
>Jedi Master realized he was acting sketchy
>He confesses to her he's not who he appears to be, and is actually a shapeshifter in disguise
>She gets worried and slightly mad, tells him it would be better if the crew learned from him himself
>Changling goes, "can I make a smoke grenade?"
>I get confused, but tell him to roll.
>He assembles one
>Important meeting in the briefing room called together by changeling
>Everyone important is there
>Jedi Master, Jedi Knight PC, Vice Admiral, Clone Commander PC, ect
>He tells me he has the smoke grenade held behind his back in case they react poorly to it
>I secretly roll Jedi Knight PC's perception, because she is positioned at a sideways angle to him
>She succeeds
>I tell her she sees a grenade, she yells to everyone in the room he's armed
>he tries to fucking throw it
>Jedi Knight makes a successful force pull roll, catches the grenade
>Jedi Master goes full renegade action
>Force Pull/Force Chokes the changeling
>Just about kills the life out of him, but lets him go
>Party is stunned at what happened
>They give him another chance
>It's a running joke now he almost gets everyone killed due to his irresponsible usage of thermal detonators
>>46241413
>>46241930
>>46242011
I admit i'm too used to /tg/'s green text format.
He called out to her. Probably wanted it to seem like a prince calling out to his beloved, maybe stepping down on one knee type deal like he did to literally anything else possibly female up to that point.
>>46241227
>"I roll to seduce" is probably one of the dumbest memes to infect gamers.
>>46242011
Way to ignore context.
>>46241099
Anyone have that story of the "We Steal Your Stuffe" quality inn, and the players being stunned when their stuff got stolen?
>>46241227
>roll 2
>yells across room
Cut that shit out, dude. The dice dictate how well your actions resolve, not what physical actions you take. You didn't ask him HOW he planned on doing this? Why would you just assume he's shouting, they could have seduced through attempted eye contact in which case a 2 would merely indicate that she wasn't into it. It was obviously a dumb PC plan but you're a pretty bad DM as well for taking over their character for them and making it even worse.
Remember, your job is never to tell the players what they are doing. It's to tell the players what everything else is doing and how their actions interact with that stuff.
>>46241930
I'm currently in the process of seducing a princess through what feel like a nice balance of roleplaying and rolling.
>Meeting the King and his posse
>10/10 princess there
>Wait until there is a quiet moment with people mingling casually
>see her by herself,
>sezie my chance
>All those tournament wins in Mount And Blade are about to pay off
>"Your royal highness, may I confess myself to be your most ardent admirer"
>GM makes me roll for it
>20
>She gets wetter than someone at the front of the logflume.
>Time to go full Shakespeare
>Bitches love Shakespeare
>"But alas my impoverished house is beneath your station and your father would never approve of such a union. All I ask is one lock of your hair to remember you by"
>GM makes me roll again
>It works
>gives me a lock of her hair that I later have put in a blinging locket
>adventure continues as we fuck off to do our own thing
>every time we return to this city (for it's basically a hub on our never ending cavalcade of adventures) while the others are getting their swords sharpened or whatever I always try to make a visit to the royal palace.
>Always wear the locket
>Sneak into the gardens one night
>Time to go full Romeo and Juliet
>Call up at her window
>She invites me in
>Enter her magical realm
The GM at this point thankfully had a discretion shot because it was in severe danger of going full ERP
>Few weeks later
>Kings elite mooks drag me to a meeting with the king
>Always use protection kids
>Turns out since our first meeting she's been whispering to her father how great I am.
>He wants to give me a small holding in town and lead a group of cavalry in his next big battle against orcs/goblins/whatever.
So assuming I survive that, I'm guessing it's nowhere but up. Come back war hero, get made a lord or something, marry princess, wait for the kings death (or enable it), live the high life.
Ambition knows no bounds and all that.
>>46243354
Livin' the good life, anon. That's how you work that shit.
>>46243354
Goddamn, Anon. Well done.
I also kek'd heartily at the M&B references.
>Players find out about Kings evil advisor.
>King goes missing
>Players make contact with a secret group of mages working to bring the king back and over throw the advisor.
>Leader of mages is arrested
>Leader is unknown by common folk
>Player walks into the castle
"You arrested my friend.
Leader of secret mage group, where is he?"
>Player arrested
>Player confused why he is arrested by corrupt gaurds
I facepalmed when he opened his mouth.
>Playing A superhero game
>Martial artist, not!magneto, some anime ninja guy, and a guy who controls fire.
>Guys are going to a sheet metal warehouse on the docks.
>Fight happens inside against some ninjas and a cyborg gorilla.
>Not!Magneto collapses the building immediately, knocking out the martial artist and half of the ninjas. Trapping the rest under rubble.
>Decides he wants to "Blender the metal pole together to get rid of the other guys"
>He knows that his allies are stuck in the rubble and no knowledge of where.
>Rolls for damage.
>Nearly max damage, killing everyone except the gorilla.
>He used all his stamina doing that and the gorilla jumps up and dick punches him to death.
>Evil person using some sort of spooktacular magical weapon
>Kill him
>Loot the weapon
>Get cursed
>WOOOOOOW HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT WOULD HAPPEN?
Happens pretty much every session and they still haven't wised up to it. Sometimes I wonder how they remember to breathe.
any one want to hear about the wookie who raped a bothan to death
>>46248730
Is this how the rebels got the second Death Star's plans?
>>46248730
this sounds terrible
go for it
>>46248796
that would only justify it as an action.
>>46241099
It actually wasn't that game changing, but it was hilarious, and we still rib the player involved about it to this day.
>Stupid little campaign about monster races setting up in this mine.
>PC in question is an illithid artifact maker and dealer, who heard about the new settlement and wants to hawk his goods.
>Gets stopped at the door.
>Some guard monsters
>Fails his attempts to get them to let him in.
>Guard responds by asking for a bribe.
>It takes literally about 15 minutes for him to realize this, keeps asking further and further more and more questions about what kind of "shinies" the guard wants.
>Everyone is rolling their eyes at him.
>FINALLY gets it.
>Pays a pittance to be let in.
I probably should have just told him OOC he wants some money, but I was flabbergasted he wasn't getting it, thought he was trying to roleplay at some point.
>>46243354
Or you go the way of Griffith. There's always that.
>>46248827
ok so be me
third time ever playing a tabletop
the groups got your average players
part way through one session the group discovers a bothan on the ship
the meat-head wookie Big Black desides to rape it because its got a pulse.
we all try to stop him but it only gets worse
Asassian droid player just up and shoot the wookie with and Ion gun Crits
wookie tenses and cums
next thing I know the bothans dead the wookies almost dead and the party diplomat has to explain that the bothan was actual their new republic contact.
mfw one player derailed a whole plot hook because LOL wookie stronk
my memory of this is wonky because I've actively tried to forgot so I probably missed somthing.
>>46242284
>ect
Stopped reading right there.
My party once stood on a Khazad-Dum style bridge faced with a horde of enemies (I was seventeen, I stole shit, give me a break). The wizard decides it's his time to shine. He looks over his spell list and finds a spell called Explosion. It does pretty much exactly what it says on the tin.
Now, if this was a metal and/or stone bridge, that might've worked. It still would've been unnecessarily risky, but it might've worked. This was a wooden bridge that hasn't been maintained regularly for a long time.
The end result was one member being knocked off the bridge by the blast wave, two dying when the bridge exploded into shrapnel, and the remaining two going temporarily deaf (with one of them dying as a direct result of not being able to hear someone sneaking up on him later).
>>46241099
Well, as a player, if the DM described a pub to me and told me that 'my senses told me to leave' my first instinct would be to think "There's something interesting in there" Might be metagaming, but still.
But I do see the fucking weird in leaning into a dagger/
>>46249090
What? You mean you'd rather him list out every character again? Is your memory THAT bad?
>>46250914
maybe he means that it's eTC not eCT
etcetera not ectetera
