Post what you got:
>I wondered why there were never any famous drow, but I figured they just can't stand the limelight.
>Never get a dwarf to build your home, I tried to talk to him all day but he was too busy getting stoned.
>"The city is filled with the most brilliant wizards in all the land!"
>"Y'know, I used to live there, and they really are bright! But ever since the injury I cantrip anymore."
>I asked a wizard if he ever felt like a god, he told me "I don't know, but it must be magical"
>The married necromancers had been arguing and fighting for months, until finally one said- "Honey, all I ever wanted, was your heart"
>A group of demons were asking how a beautiful woman how she wound up in hell, she said "I couldn't help it, I was smitten"
>We called for help when fire elementals attacked, but only fighters showed up.
>I told a cleric I was unsure of my faith, with so many gods I wanted to be I wasn't rolling the dice with my future! He told me to ask the wizard about his favorite spell since I couldn't be saved.
Given that my PC is the "Dad" of the group, I felt it only appropriate to throw out shitty jokes and puns on a regular basis to cement the roleplaying. But I can't find a solid list or database to keep thetorturejokes on rapid fire!
Let's fix that.
>>45733034
OP here, to clarify a bit more for puns particular to my campaign
>Setting is a large island with a metropolis in the center, a giant beacon of light emits from it
>System is Pathfinder
Party consists of:
>CN Elf Wizard
>Mermaid Water Druid
>LE Oracle of Cthuluis also a slutty woman that is specializing in mind control
>LG Cleric, is a major rules lawyer, also plays like CG for some reason
>What I assume is a ranger, he doesn't talk much
>And myself, a humanCommoner
>>45733100
>mermaid
Everything about sea and fishes.
>did you sea that? Something is fishy here.
While staring at mermaid.
>>45733034
>Call of Cthulhu
>As part of the backstory, a wealthy Mr. Dexter makes a sizeable donation to fun adding a new wing to the Arkham Asylum.
>When they visit it, someone catches a glimpse at the sign and tells me to fuck off.
>Because the ward was named after the donor, Charles Dexter.
What is the market index for dark elves?The Drow Jones 30
>>45733338
Aight this one fuckin got me
I am also interested in terrible fantasy-based puns. A google search of "fantasy D&D puns" has turned up a few resources.
Here's a few gems:
"Knife to meet you!"
Dismembered enemy: "Looks like this guy got...cut down to size."
"It's KNIGHT TIME!"
Bear puns. Widely known for being rather grizzly and unbearable. Use sparingly, as abuse may cause pandamonium and severely polarize a group.
When your sorc OHKOs with firebased spells: "Looks like he couldn't take the heat."
"Dawn breaks." "I roll craft to fix it!"
"Night falls." "I roll Strength to pick it up."
"Caught between a rock and a Brad place."
Innumerable uses for wight. Wight privilege, wights only, wight powers, etc.
Same for ghouls. Ghouls just wanna have fun, big ghouls don't cry, etc.
Two gnolls are sitting in the woods eating lunch. One turns to his friend and says, "Man, i hate my wife," to which the friend replies, "Then just eat the salad."
A human and an elf walk into a bar.
The dwarf and halfling walk under it.
When the healer is allowed to go down or rolls poorly for healing/medicine: "Seems we've made a clerical error."
"Fighter? I hardly knew 'er!"
"How can a cleric fix a lightbulb? By casting cure light."
Your chain-armored fighter is quite the mail man.
Skeletons with a particular skullset.
Pitfall traps are pretty dangerous, on the hole.
"Yuan-Ti?" Of course I want tea.
/Cross/bows always seem to have a bolt up their ass.
Your wizard is always getting hit because he skipped Armor Class.
Gelatinous Cubes have nothing to ooze.
cont.
>>45733702
Is a halfling tall fellow really a three-quaterling?
In what Asian country will you NOT find a lot of ranged weapons?Meleesia(maylaysia)
What do you call a sleeping mage?A snore-soror
What do rangers like to eat?Their flavored enemy
Why did the Beholder miss his attack?He eyeballed it.
What do you get if you pour boiling oil on a bard?A skald.
When fighting aquatic foes, make good use of "Neutralize Poisson."
Why do thieves always wear leather armor?
Its made of hide.
>>45733034
Fighter? I don't even know her!
>>45733702
>>45733946
You're the real MVP anon
>>45733968
Definitely using this one
>>45733034
>"Hi, [adjective], I'm [name of character]!"
You're basically halfway done.
An asian moon druid, calls himself Rion.
This is all I got OP
>>45734243
When Sir Cumference sits around the round table, he really sits around the table.
>>45734433
Still hes much better than Sir Prize
>>45734243
You'd need two doppelgangers to replace Sir Cumference.
>>45734243
Sir Cumference fell in love and broke it.
>>45734656
how fair his sir loins?
>>45733034
Back in WW2 there was a Japanese officer who bisected a tank with a single swing of his Katana.
It was the most effective Japanese Tank Division in history.
>>45735264
Oh god my sides.
>>45733034
>Bait man into becoming enraged and attacking me.
>Instantly decapitate him
> "I guess he shouldn't have . . . lost his head."
My last Rogue Trader game nearly saw the party killed by a dad joke
Horace's Revenge might be a funny name for a ship in your head but the Space Marines don't agree.
I was wondering why the boulder was getting larger and larger.
And then it hit me.
What do you get when you apply a frost-enchantment on your sickles?
Ice-sickles.
>>45733282
I'm going to need some help with this one
If Gary Gygax saw D&D 5th Edition he'd berolling in his grave!
A party of paladins come across a band or rampaging earth elementals. The paladins slay them, but it turns out that they were actually polymorphed and mind-controlled angels.Rocks die, everyone falls.
>>45737640
It's one of Lovecraft's stories, The Case of Charles Dexter Ward.
Remember everyone, necromancer activity isa grave concern.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so dismember them after combat.
Skeletons love to gamble - it really gets them to rattle their bones.
Be civil and proper when dealing with dwarves, or else your business will have a rocky start.
Fights with giant lizards tend to drag on and on and on...
Hi dying, I'm dad.
When fighting flesh golems, you really have to get to the meat of the problem.
If the weapon looks like swiss cheese, it's probably holy.
If demon-summoners don't have a problem with you, paladins might.
If a love demon is particularly fond of you, when you leave she'll succubi.
When a paladin of an ice god falls, he becomes antifreeze.I'm sorry I wanted this thread to survive and that's the best I could think of.
>>45739826
that's not a joke, that's just a reference
>>45737720
Top kek
