(Don't take any of this bullshit seriously, this is just for keks)
Hello there, pull up a shotgun and prepare yourself for a cringy one-shot adventure.
You Anons represent the inner thoughts/subconscious of Janon, a poor newbie who has fallen into the spiders web. I am The Whizzard, and I will be your pseudo-GM tonight. You will be subjugated to the many cruel fetishes that this GM has prepared.
The only way you can save Janon from perishing in this terrible game is to give him commands, and hopefully he'll be able to hear you.
Janon is playing a stereotypical fighter, and he has no other allies at this table.
Without further ado, let us descend into madness.
The GM adjusts his glasses and gives Janon a friendly look.
"Alright J, your character sheet is all set and all the players are gathered."
Janon seemed slightly surprised, after all, he was the only other player there. However, he had little knowledge of DnD, so for all he knew, this was normal.
"You are located directly outside of a tavern. Inside is where your quest can begin. Are you ready?"
>wat do?
>>44066961
No. Run in the opposite direction
So, what can I do? I can do whatever I want right?
So I can go into the Tavern and order food?
What are we trying to do anyways? What is the quest?
I climb onto the roof.
Grab a handful of whatever snack is present and eat them, making sure to leave the crumbs on your fingers
>>44067125
Janon snatches his miniature knight, turns him around 180 degrees, and marches him far far away from the adventures starting point.
Off in the distance, the sound of a locomotive crashing can be faintly heard over the sound of the GM breathing heavily through his nose.
Janon shrugs. "I thought you could do anything in this game."
The GM's surprised expression quickly morphs into a hideous grin undetectable by noobs. "Why of course, Janon! In this game, we can do anything! For instance, I have a map in front of me with many interesting landmarks. You have just reached the Forest of Feeling. What would you like to do now?"
>wat do?
>>44067230
No. Run in the opposite direction
Janon saunters into the Tavern, intent on consuming literally every ounce of food they have to offer.
>>44067187
As Janon ponders his next course of action, he devours an entire bag of Cool Ranch Doritos, and washes it down with a glass of lemonade. The eyes of the GM watch him the same way a lion looks at a baby zebra.
>>44067258
I want to roll to find any bar wenches! That is always fun eh?
>>44067245
Janon reached for his miniature, but just before his dorito-crused fingertips reached the knight, the GM threw up his hands dramatically.
"Janon! You have just been ambushed by a terrible plant monster! Its insidious tentacles reach out for your arms. You must fight!"
Janon looked at his character's inventory frantically. All he had was a puny dagger, three gold, and two t-shirts (one for the torso, one for make-shift shorts)
>wat do!
>>44067378
Activate my class ability to run away at mach speed
>>44067378
"accidentally" spill lemonade over his DM papers and rulebooks, rendering them unreadable
>>44067401
As Janon scanned his character sheet, he noticed a special class ability.
'Run Away like a Little Bitch.'
Janon quickly selected this power, and escaped from the plant monster. Unfortunately, the creature managed to pry away his t-shirt (the one that functioned like a real t-shirt) which the GM described in vivid detail.
"As you flee, one long, powerful arm latches onto your tight shirt. The compressing force that the shirt inflicts on your chest fills you with worry, but also with euphoria. In the final climactic moment, the shirt tears away, and you manage to escape with all your appendages still attached."
The GM gave a raspy laugh. "However, you decided to run further into the Forest of Feeling. You finally make it to a clearing. In the middle of this clearing is a clean pool of sparkling water. Little pixies dance about the glade, and you finally feel safe."
>do wat?
>>44067486
Introduce myself to the fairies as Sir Brian, the valiant knight in seek of refuge and food.
>>44067486
Respond ''What, is my character mentally disabled? I ran away from the creepy goddamn forest''
pass out like a little bitch
>>44067542
Fun fact, Janon's character has a +3 bonus to Autistic decisions, so maybe. His Int is also a solid 2.
>>44067519
Janon decides to be polite, and he introduces himself to the fairies.
A tiny butterfly-winged fairy flew up to Janons character and landed on his shoulder. (The GM did his best squeaky-girl voice, which sounded like a chipmunk being tortured and begging God for death)
"Ooooh a knight in rags. You doooo need our help. What can we dooooo for you, oh laaarge one?"
>watdowatdo
>>44067619
Ask if they have any spare human sized clothes.
>>44067619
Remember that fairies are terrible tricksters and crush them with my mighty muscle might
>>44067647
Janon never liked Peter Pan anyways.
With a mighty clap, Janon's fighter smashed the butterfly winged fairy into a fine red mist. The other fairies reacted the same way little pretty ladies with wings always react.
"They pull down their fairy pants and reveal their, umm, 'Stingers.'" The GM said while wiping his sweaty forehead with a handcloth.
Janon gave the GM an incredulous look, but he didn't say anything. This was a new game after all.
The fairies bumrushed Janon's character, and "stung" him all over, leading to many 1damage wounds and many 4d100 emotional wounds.
Janon fought back with the grace of a gorilla with cerebral palsy. After twenty rounds of gut-wrenching combat, Janon finally managed to win.
All that was left of the clearing was a sparkling pool and a pile of pixie corpses. The GM reluctantly gave Janon 5XP and a fairy bra for his reward.
>now wat
>>44067788
Wear the fairy bra and bathe in the pool of water. After that I make my way back to town with fairy bodies in hand.
>>44067829
Wear the bra as a bracelet, since it'd probably be too small for us.
Go looking for some food, murdering's hungry work.
>>44067949
Agreed
>>44067829
Janon put on the fairy bra. -1 to Defense, +5 to making GMs fumble around in their pants for their 'car keys.'
He then walked up to the pool of water, and jumped in. It felt surprisingly acidic, and warm.
Janon looked back down at the pool of water, and saw its true form. It was a pool of fairy piss concealed by an illusion!
Janon looked at the GM with spite. "Let me guess, I'm going to drown in this piss pool?"
The GM shrugged. "Actually, bathing in pee isn't so bad. You don't take any damage or anything."
"I'm getting out of the pool."
The GM stopped fumbling around with his pockets and sighed.
Janon picked up the pile of pixie corpses and made it back to town unmolested. Aside from the tavern, there was also a market and a brothel.
>what now?
>>44067949
After discovering it wouldn't fit on his scrawny chest, Janon wrapped it around his wrist.
Maybe he could find some food at the market place.
>>44067987
Sell the fairy bodies at the market for a reasonable sum.
>>44067987
Head back to the tavern and find out about the quest while rolling to find any bar wenches.
Finding some where to remove the smell of fairy urine from ourselves might also be a good plan.
>>44068010
>>44068012
>>44068033
After selling the fairy bodies we can spend our money on food and a room at the Inn, where we can bathe.
>>44068057
Janon decides to stay at the fanciest tavern in town.
Rolled 3, 3 = 6 (2d3)
>>44068010
The dead fairies fetched a much higher price due to their unique body structures. 150 gold acquired.
>>44068012
Back in the tavern, Janon took a seat and looked around. At the opposite end of the tavern was a heavily cloaked figure holding a fluorescent lantern in his pale hands. The man had "Quest Giver" written all over him, but Janon decided to roll for bar wenches instead.
By the way, what girls could should up for him to seduce?
>>44068153
>2 max rolls
Janon notices the cloaked figure is female... And isn't wearing much under that cloak.
>>44068200
The rolls are for how magical realm this will be
Rolled 7 (1d20)
>>44068153
i roll to seduce the ogre in the other corner of the tavern.
>>44068153
Cheap ones.
>>44068263
Weak as fuck, need at least a 12. Ogres have standards too.
>>44068240
That was predetermined. I namefagged for a reason you know.
>>44068200
Indeed. As Janon waited patiently, six girls walked up to him in unison.
The first was the Quest Giver (or soon to be Quest Receiver huehuehue), who dropped her cloak to reveal a totally normal, paleskinned woman.
The second was a Jorogumo who entered by crawling on the ceiling.
The third was a Jorogumo without the human part. Literally just a humanoid furry spider creature. Green poison was dripping out of its mouth constantly.
The fourth was a zombie. It wasn't even a female zombie. (Janon glared at the GM, but the promise of pussy locked his lips)
The fifth was a lady the size of a sky-scraper who was waiting patiently outside, her giant bloodshot eye peering through the window of the tavern.
The sixth was a totally normal looking barmaid.
All six of them shouted in unison "Choose which one of us to bang first!"
>Whotochoose tg?
>>44068409
Ask the quest giver for their hand in marriage!
Rolled 19 (1d20)
>>44068409
>The third was a Jorogumo without the human part. Literally just a humanoid furry spider creature. Green poison was dripping out of its mouth constantly.
I roll for getting an erection
>>44068409
Rollan for the decision.
>>44068409
i roll to tell them i need 5 minutes to think about it.
go to the bathroom and escape out the window.
run for the hills.
>>44068534
Second, but with >>44068444
Rolled 2 (1d6)
>>44068444
I wasn't going to say anything, but damn is that impressive
>>44068527
Lets do it. Pray to your gods that it's not a 4.
Jorogumo time.
Janon pointed at the spider lady hanging from the ceiling.
"You." He said firmly.
The Jorogumo gave a sinister smile and gently descended from the ceiling by a thread. She wrapped her arms around the fighter and scuttled up the stairs of the tavern to the second floor. The other women groaned as their toy was taken away.
The GM began breathing heavily, and started adjusting his glasses again.
"Now... You can have a private moment with your lady of the night." He said through labored breaths.
>>44068634
Slay the accursed mutant in the name of the Emperor
>>44068652
God no!
>>44068634
I ask the lady how is she and are there any quiet places to sleep tonight!
Rolled 20 (1d20)
>>44068652
Trying to roll
>>44068728
Fuck.
>ask for spider cider and spider doughnuts
Wonder if people will get the reference
>>44068652
"Yaaaaa!" Janon howled as he swung his puny dagger at the Jorogumo.
The spiderwoman merely laughed and knocked the rusty thing out of his hand. "I wasn't expecting it to be /that/ small." She teased. She then dropped low to the ground, her chin just an inch above the old wooden floor.
The Jorogumo began slowly creeping towards Janon, who tried to open the door.
It was locked.
>help
>>44068776
Point out that nat 20s are auto hits to the DM
>>44068747
>>44068776
Turn 360 degrees and Run Away Like A Little Bitch
>>44068791
Good point.
Janon raised his voice. "Umm, that was a 20. That hit, right?"
The GM gave off his most diabolical laugh. "It did hit, yes, but look at the damage your puny knife does."
Puny Knife- 0d6+0 damage.
Fuck
>>44068799
Using our special class ability
Rolled 8 (1d20)
>>44068824
punch dm in the face
>>44068799
>>44068842
The room has a window in addition to the locked door. Janon's +3 Autism kicked in, and he Ran Away like a Little Bitch into the door at full speed.
The GM chuckled. "Well, you're nearly KO'd now. Any more brilliant ideas?"
Rolled 19 (1d20)
>>44068872
Attack using nearby furniture
>>44068889
With the empowering figure of 19, Janon managed to pick up the entire bed while he was still nearly passed out (the bed was the only furniture in the room) and prepared to swing it at the Jorogumo.
Moment of truth, I'm rolling a d6 next turn. 3 or lower, and the spider is crushed. 4 or higher... Warhammer fans may need to look away.
>>44068941
I may regret crushing it if you post cute spiders like that.
Rolled 19 (1d20)
>>44068872
Proceed to squat while throwing furniture at the woman, chanting "OGA BOOGA LET ME SHIT"
Rolling to drop a massive dump on the ground in attempt to break the floor boards
>>44068958
Rolled 4 (1d6)
3 or lower, Spider dies
4 or higher, we're fucked
>>44068958
>>44068996
fug
roll to kill self
Rolled 6 (1d20)
>>44069016
totally fudged that, let me try again
>>44069029
Janon attempts to eat his own shit as a last ditch suicide effort, but the Jorogumo pins him down. Two of her spider legs lock his arms, and another pair keep his legs still.
She leans in close and gives Janon a radiant smile.
"Are you ready to have some fun?
>>44068996
We're Fuuuuuuuucked!
Good times!
>>44069074
I politely ask for some anti-toxins before we get to the act. Just in case.
>>44069074
Are you going to write out the sex scene or just fade to black? If you're not going to write it out can I?
Rolled 13 (1d20)
>>44069074
Squeeze herjuicy sacksin an attempt to kill her
>>44069132
What kind of thread do you think we're in?
>>44069140
Also activate our strength boost ability!
>>44069143
I'm hoping it's the kind of thread I think I'm in. I bet there will be an orgasm denial part where she ties off his cock with webbing, fucks him until he has four orgasms built up, finally lets him cum and then forces him to drink the cum out of her pussy.
Rolled 2 (1d20)
>>44069143
>>44069132
rolling for Fade to Black
>>44069166
FUCK YOU SATAN JR.
>>44069132
I started this, so I need to end it to. I'm sorry, but this is my responsibility.
Without another word, the Jorogumo pulled down his t-shirt that functioned as pants. She raised an eyebrow at this, but decided not to mention it.
Now, she began fondling his balls to get Janon hard. He squirmed and struggled, but her weight was too much, and he was just about unconscious as well.
Once his flag was flying high, she descended on it like it was just another tasty fly.
Her silky mouth enveloped the head of his penis, and she began stroking the shaft as he moaned pitifully.
Rolled 3 (1d20)
>>44069185
Skullfuck her to death, in the name of our emperor. Activate any not activated ability I have
She suddenly stopped sucking his cock, and moved close to his face.
"Say sweety, how does this taste?"
The Jorogumo opened her mouth wide, and liquid tons of fairy piss began rocketing out of her gullet like a yellow Old Faithful.
"WHAT THE FUCK GM!" Janon shouted.
The GM shrugged. "Well, it was the logical next ste-"
"No FUCK YOU! Fuck this! Fuck me! Fuck spiders! I'm done! I quit!"
>>44069229
ew.
at leassst janon has some sssenssse.
>>44069229
Use telepathy to influence the GM to retcon the whole scene and shove Janon back to before he made his choice of which girl to bang.
Janon went to leave, but the door was locked. He turned around slowly, and faced the GM.
"Oh, what a shame. It would appear that Sir Brian drowned in spider-mouth piss. What an exciting way to die."
"I get it now, I finally get it!" Janon said angrily. "This was all just a trick, just a ploy! What you really wanted all along was-"
"Your hand in marriage." The GM finished.
"I... I... I don't know what to say."
"Say yes."
"I mean, holy shit, YES!"
The two men hugged eachother, their perspiration mixing with the odor of pure happiness.
"Actually, if I'm being honest, you played the game pretty well." The GM said as he fell to one knee.
"Thanks dad." Janon said with tears in his eyes.
>>44069270
Second
Rolled 1 (1d1)
Never ask me for anything ever again.
Rolled 6 (1d20)
>>44069283
roll to kill myself.
>>44069283
I'm not really sure how to feel
Rolled 3 (1d20)
>>44069283
Roll for Janon's anal circumference in cm after GMDad is done
>>44069283
10/10 would kill myself
