You're a James Bond villain. What do put in your lair, /tg/?
>>44012146
A honey pot assassin with a slight continental European accent I use to head off any potential threats and trust with much of the details of my nefarious scheme.
I am the best villain.
>>44012146
A second lair, hidden under it with the above lair acting as a distraction. Possibly with a giant casino built around them both.
>>44012146
Sluts.
>>44012146
Bear traps baited with martinis and hookers.
Memes.
Cupcakes
>>44012200
>Not having a lair under your lair under your lair
Spheres of annihilation.
Hundreds and hundreds of Spheres of Annihilation.
And illusions.
>>44012200
As in a casino built around the distraction lair AND a casino built around the real lair?
Cuz I can dig it.
>>44012146
20 kamikaze androids made in the image of Burt Reynolds
Also a pool of giant mutated platypi in cashmere sweaters with lazer beams attached to thier heads.
>>44012146
Asbestos.
Just TONS of asbestos.
Sure, it'll kill me too. But when Bond comes knocking I'll know that I have disrupted an entire movie franchise. And that's enough.
>>44012240
>meme related questions to pass into your sanctum
>block communications
>only neckbards can gain access
>suave british assassins have no fucking clue about internet me-mes
>can't ask Q with no comms
>>44012146
Based on my previous experience with the game Evil Genius, a giant trap palace followed by massive henchmen dorms and hench-training facilities.
Two hallways, one is so obviously trapped that it has to be the actual safe path.both have very sunny and easy to miss traps filling them.
Freaking sharks with freaking laser beams on their freaking heads
>>44012146
Pack a hallway full of le femme fatale meme types. Bond's nature compels him to spend an inordinate amount of time seducing them. Then I light the entire room on fire.
>>44012146
I will build my lair inside a Walmart and place random assassins within the crowd of disgusting shoppers.
That 500lb woman in a bikini riding the cripple scooter? Nope, 5 midgets armed with chainsaws in disguise!
That crazy old man in the little girls clothing department who rambles random shit while giving everyone the crazy eyes? Head of communications spewing out coded instructions to other nearby henchmen!
That little kid throwing the loudest temper tantrum he possibly can while shit rolls down his leg while his mother drinks half&half from the carton and ignores him? A team of highly trained Russian assassins!
Nick Cage circling overhead in an apache gunship
>>44012146
very slowly spinning ventilation fans with inexplicably sharp edges
>>44012396
Beat me to it. But if budget is an issue, than barracudas with lasers attached to their heads.
A gazebo. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eric_and_the_Dread_Gazebo
(Which one of you did this wiki article?)
>>44012668
Sorry boss, we can do pike with laser pointers though.
>>44012286
James Bond is a codename buddy. Every time a new actor takes up the Bond role, it's because the previous Bond has died or been retired.
What >>44012181 said except I put a bomb in her stomach and trigger it when she meets Bond.
>>44012146
Additional lairs, and inside of those, more lairs.
It's layers and layers of lairs!
>>44012878
>Words that Kill!
A casino above my lair which is a fake lair that leads to another lair, in that lair there is a eye scanner, employee id card swipes and snake pits. Once in the lair there is another lair hidden and that lair has a lair hidden below it.
To gain access to any lair the code is set to be trivia, 5 questions or 3 logic puzzles, or 1 riddle. I outsource all my thugs from gotham city and force them to wear question marks to identify my minions
My personal bodyguard consists of 3 large black men, 2gigantic gay mexican luchadores and 1 sassy middle eastern interior decorator/assassin. I myself am white, but I also imploy a team of asians to keep diversity in the workplace.
Every 2 years my thugs retire and get full pension and keep benefits for them and family.they can return and keep working if they wish.
I employ an army of drones armed with spray bottles, to write riddles on stuff I choose. And a second army to lurk by the riddles to rain confetti and money on those who succeed,i change money for drugs when appropriate.
My nefarious plan that I am proud of, is me sending up a probe into space, to drop payload of 10 ton cylinders of hardened metals to the earths surface, there are 12 cylinders per probe and I sent up 26 probes, 2 bakers dozen. Each probe has preset coordinates and times to drop, if any probe is targetted or shot down, and I do not override, all probes will fire payload at once and destroy everyone each probe is a railgun to increase speed of payload.
Each cylinder is locked by a riddle, and is posted online I devised every riddle myself and are extremely difficult to answer. i kidnapped the greatest riddlers to try and solve them, and they couldnt.
My demands are simple:
Immunity from the UN for all my men and families.
Rename south dakota and north dakota, to dakota.
Rename alaska to, new canada
Split texas to east and west texas.
10 billion pounds, or us dollars per cylinder that they want me to override. This buys them 12 hours
Cont.
Treads or robot legs so the lair becomes a mobile command center and tank during the climax when Bond finally discovers my absurd plan.
>>44012836
I had to duck to avoid being hit by the blast from your head-canon.
>>44012962
Cont.
1 trillion dollars will disable 1 probe permanently, but will cause 1 cylinder to fire either into space randomly. Or target national defense satellite.
Oh, and online anyone who solves a riddle shuts down a cylinder, they also get picked up by my thugs and flown first class to meet me, I will give them a job and move their family to my country
Also I bought north korea, and renamed it cool korea.
I do force citizens to wear a question mark, but i allow pins to be worn instead.
I am trained in many martial arts, but mostly to escape not to fight.
Personal:
I have a question mark shaped tattoo on my forearm
My catchphrase is:
Bet you wish you could get riddle me
Im still working on it, i employ a team of writers to write my lines for me.
Secretly i dont wanna blow shit up, i just do it for fun. If bond finds me I would escape through my masterfully trapped lairs one by one each harder than the last but, and this is the best part
>it loops back to the casino and I have 10 lookalikes running in random parts to make him think he is catching up, when in reality I am in the real casino and he is in a fake one that loops constantly. Through my lairs, i finally grow bored and cut off access points before knocking him out with gas.
He would awaken tied to a chair, fully clothed, i would give him scotch, and make sure he was comfy. I would then reveal a final riddle game that ends by sending a marble through a complex and unnecessary machine. After 20 minutes it lands on a gun and shoots....a boxing glove to knock him out again. He then awakens on a plane in first class back to london, with another ticket to return anytime.
Let me know if I should add anything or change it.
>>44013171
One last thing, my question marks are backwards, not the riddler ones, although I draw much inspiration from that glorius individual.
Also, i assumed gotham thugs were the ones with heavy fake accents and stupidity beyond humanity
>>44013032
He's not wrong about the codename though.
>>44013322
Citation needed. It's fanon.
James bond canonically grew up with his aunt, was Eton-educated and other stuff I forget. He's a character with backstory. Not a codename.
>>44013356
I mean, he *could* have a real back story and a fake name. Telling everyone your real name seems like a bad idea.
>>44012146
I hire competent soldiers from competent world militaries to guard me who will shoot intruders on sight and not let them speak or get into melee.
>>44013460
the irony of explaining the idea of a pseudonym on an anonymous imageboard
>>44012241
cute dug
>>44012311
Evil Genius was a wonderful game.
>>44013460
Still doesn't make any sense. The "name" passed down is 007. He is the latest 00 agent assigned the number 7.
James Bond is just another 007. He gives his name out at every opportunity over drinks. If James Bond was this ancient MI6 codename he wouldn't tell the latest villain of the day his name as they play craps or poker. Might as well say "007, intelligence agent working for The British Secret Service. Also I raise the bet."
Makes even less sense than just telling people his real name which is scrubbed from most databases. Plus he has interacted with the Bond family house and Bond family motto. He's a Bond. MAYBE his name is actually Steven. That's about all you can really say.
>>44013597
>"The name's Bond. Steve Bond."
>>44012146
I don't know. Probably drop the bond villian bullshit. If I'm like, goldfinger or whatever I use the fact that I have high power laser technology in like, the 60s and my massive amount of funds to start up some nice corporation to get even richer. I don't know, maybe go into anti-missile defense technologies given the whole cold war thing.
>>44012146
A tiger
>>44014660
Oh yeah? My villain lair has *two* tigers.
>>44012146
Daycare, school filled with kids, pet daycare, veterinarians, etc.
I'm willing to shell out to pay for my workers to focus on their work.
My villain lair is filled with doors that lead to hallways that have spooky ghosts on ziplines that fly out at you.
>>44012146
My lair consists is actually a giant trap, my actual position is in a stealth submarine with access to global Internet access so I can spoof my transmission to come from the lair and have a few extra layers of proxies just in case Q manages to figure shit out.
The trap lair is basically a giant microwave emitter that triggers once 007 enters the central room. From that point, every hallways will have bulkheads close at every 10 meters and intersections and no access panels to open them because its all operated remotely from the submarine. Also, every enemy 007 or obstacle he faces is either a autonomous drone robot with machine guns and wall mounted autonomous machine guns.
Fuck 007, I fucking hate Daniel Craig
My lair would be a walled off series of blocks in modern Detroit wherein I very publicly practice innovative urban sustainable agriculture to boost my PR that is already high for trying "rejuvenate this once great city!".
around Detroit I secretly run The Most Dangerous Game for the rich and powerful, going from /k/s relatively safe castle doctrine based "duck blind" method to outright Wild Hunts, I dispose of bodies as fertilizer in my gardens.
Below my gardens the public rarely gets to see my aquaponics setup, and below that, the truely secret base with the only entrance(not the only exit, that would be a fire hazard) beneath the electric eel tank. This entrance is an elevator that opens in clear sight of an armored machine gun nest. There are also a few claymore mines rigged to detonate remotely and a nice non lethal taser setup. after being fully vetted at the entrance my lair is mostly just a hedonistic pleasure dome with labs and training facilities in the wings, all connected by sealable, collapsible tunnels rigged with more remote detonating claymore mines.
My big plan that would get a 00 agent sent after me would be probably something to do with releasing super RoundUp resistant weeds on the world that would ruin Monsanto and have the world come crawling to me and my fortuitously wide spread food warehouses for help in figuring out how to feed itself without pesticides. I think a slightly sympathetic villain is best don't you?
>>44012146
OddJob will be the mid-lair boss
>>44012457
Walmart makes more sense now.
This HAS to be it
>>44012146
I don't know. A coffee machine? And a sofa. Possibly a fridge.
No TV though - that just leads to henchmen slacking off.
>>44012241
Shitty decision.
Pancakes are the only way.
>>44012457
>shit rolls down his leg while his mother drinks half&half from the carton and ignores him
Deja fucking voodoo, dude.
Do you happen to live near Flint, MI?
>>44012817
As long as Bond isn't toughness 7 we will be fine
>>44012146
A room with nothing but four things
>11 angry toddlers who have just had a water fight with realistic guns
>d4s
>Lego
>12 guns only one of which is loaded
>>44012836
Get your fucking fan-theories out of here.
>>44012836
That was a nice idea, until they had the Bond estate in Skyfall. Went from being a codename to an actual family.
Absolutely zero defences. The only ways in or out (including ventilation etc.) All lead through the receptionist area, where the receptionist tells Bond he's expected. The whole base is tongue-in-cheek. All the doomsday weapons etc. are all props. Everything else is the usual logistics crap.
A spy-themed gay strip club
>>44012146
Alright, listen, here me out.
So we send out this "Svetlana" chick who is totally hot and has this Eastern European accent you just can't connect to a specific country, right? So he'll charm her and they'll have sex as usual when SUDDENLY my elite troops burst in and shoot the place up. Svetlana will die, Bond will escape and he will vow revenge. But little did he know that Svetlana had a tracking device planeted inside her vagina which she, through decades of honing her vagina muscles, inserted up Bond's uretrha.
So we track him back to London and wait until he's just shopping or otherwise minding his own business when SUDDENLY, FIVE FUCKING HELICOPTERS FULL OF ELITE SOLDIERS. Seriously, who the fuck is going to see that coming? He's easily kidnapped and without his gadgets.
But the lair itself. Of course I take him to my secret island lair, where my top henchmen guard me and keep track of global politics. Of course we need a suitable prison to trap Bond, and I have just the trap.
Remember the penis-inserted tracking device? We'll need a tank full of sharks specifically trained to track and eat these devices. They'll detect it in his penis and he'll be in for a cringeworthy time. But wait, that's not all! We'll also need a swarm of non-lethal wasps specifically trained to poke out eyes. BUT WAIT, THERE'S EVEN FUCKING MORE! We also need a slowly descending cage with large enough holes for his penis to pass through. So the bees will poke his eyes out, the cage will shrink around him, his penis will dangle out so the sharks can bite it off, and under water he'll either drown or the every shrinking cage will crush him.
Oh, and I need something to pet evilly as I watch him suffer. Maybe a cat, or an Ukrainian orphan. No, he needs to be Vietnamese. Otherwise people will think I have some sort of East European theme going on between Svetlana and the orphan. I have to be internationally ambiguous to avoid controversy.
>>44012146
A Bar. Whores and Martini a laced with radioactive material.
>>44018697
they what
>>44019878
>ends up banging the orphan and he or she betrays you, saving his penis and the day
How does Bond keep doing it?
>>44019878
>>44020108
I love you guys.
i fill my lair with hornets
just hornets and nothing else. hundreds of small rooms (8x8 wall-to-wall, 6' floor to ceiling), small corridors (6' floor to ceiling, 3' wide), low-ish light, uncomfortably warm and humid (101F, 97%) and just fucking FILLED with hornets.
also, i don't live, work, or even go there.
>>44012146
A giant pile of gold. Priceless art on the walls. An extensive and invaluable library. I guess a princess, but only so we can be BFF's and play games together. And a VTOL jet with experimental flamethrowers.
>>44012146
Hookers and blackjack. In fact, forget the lair and the blackjack.
>>44012146
A LGS. Anyone not familiar will be shot.
>>44019878
>But little did he know that Svetlana had a tracking device planeted inside her vagina which she, through decades of honing her vagina muscles, inserted up Bond's uretrha.
Kop Tek
>>44012146
An incompetent underling who I continuously entrust core tasks to despite their constant failure.
>>44013322
>>44012836
Multiple movies have shot holes in this theory, and the books don't support it either.
"Skyfall" is just the latest to discount that theory. Multiple movies post-OHMSS make reference to Tracy Bond, most notably Diamonds are Forever and Licence to Kill. Sean Connery starts DaF striking back at SPECTRE because of Tracy's death despite it happening to a different actor's Bond.
Bond doesn't age because "shut up and enjoy the damn movie, asshole." It's like asking why Peter Parker is still a high school teen.
>>44018697
Dalton's Bond in Licence to Kill explicitly refers to his marriage to Tracy Bond three actors earlier. Sorry bro, it's a fun theory that I wish were true, but it just isn't.
Not to mention 007 makes sense as an internal codename people aren't supposed to know, but if MI6 constantly used the same name for their operatives it seems like that would be kind of a fucking bad idea. Remember, he introduces himself as Bond, James Bond to FUCKING EVERYBODY.
He operates under a cover (usually Universal Exports), which is why he uses a real name.
>>44012146
Competent henchmen
>>44014900
>My lair consists is actually a giant trap, my actual position is in a stealth submarine
THEN THE STEALTH SUBMARINE IS YOUR LAIR
jesus fuck people why do you think not answering the question is clever?
>What do you put in your lair?
>Tons of traps and decoys and flamethrowers and it isn't my real lair anyway so-
WELL THE QUESTION WAS WHAT YOU PUT IN YOUR LAIR
IF IT ISN'T YOUR LAIR YOU'RE NOT ANSWERING THE QUESTION
ALL CAPS
>>44012146
I employ a bunch of rioting femanazi's who protest the objectification of women in the film, ultimately leading to the producers changing the script so that Bond is now a cultured politically-correct character.
I then proceed to cover my walls with every image form /b/ to trigger Bond so badly that he dies.
![Vaux-le-Vicomte_Panorama[1].jpg](https://i.imgur.com/TR7Zkri.jpg "Vaux-le-Vicomte_Panorama[1].jpg")
>treating it like a traps thread
Have you all missed the point? This is your lair - this is where you live, where you plan your grand schemes. What kind of ruffians go and fill the corridors with flame traps and machine guns and landmines? This is your home - have some pride!
I have a large and professionally-decorated historical manor that I use for entertaining important guests, clients, or whatever. The grounds around said manor are of course immaculately-kept grounds, gardens, and fields, in which my minions keep a mostly non-visible but still vigilant security watch and my well-trained, loyal pack of large guard- and companion dogs I personally trained and raised roam the grounds freely. I'm thinking Siberian Huskies, something distinctive and different from your standard German Shepherds or Rottweilers.
The manor is kept immaculate by my service staff, and guests are of course treated with only the highest standards of comfort, welcome, and care, even if they be my rivals it is no excuse not to act like a gentleman. In the basement is a large wine cellar, made up of both my private reserve and bottles of the wine grown in the vineyard on the grounds - not really a commercial operation, just a vanity project.
![Vaux_le_vicomte_1[1].jpg](https://i.imgur.com/qCqwYl6.jpg "Vaux_le_vicomte_1[1].jpg")
>>44024313
I of course own quite a bit of land around, in which I partake in other dignified yet enjoyable hobbies like quail hunting and equestrian sports. I have a twelve-car garage under the helipad, the road leading up to said garage also goes right out to a private track for my exotic sports cars that I keep around for some reason. There are also firing ranges with a large forest as backstop where my minions and myself as well can train in the use of various firearms and security tactics without bothering anyone.
Of course, the manor is just part of my lair. Underneath the manor is a bunker that nothing short of a direct nuclear strike could penetrate, where I might retreat in case of emergency, with enough stored supplies to last me, my inner circle, and my staff years, if need be. This bunker is the secure area - I operate under the assumption that a spy will undoubtedly make his way into my manor at some point, probably during some fancy party or important meeting with foreign clients or something. Also, the bunker is where strictly all of my materials for my evil schemes go - I don't want to leave out vital clues where guests may stumble into them by taking a wrong, or "wrong," turn down the hall while looking for the bathroom. Strict separation is just good security; the ballroom shouldn't be right next to my command center after all.
>>44012146
My large and overly complicated device which, at the push of a button, is able to broadcast loud poot sounds directly into James Bonds head.
>>44012146
>You're a James Bond villain. What do put in your lair, /tg/?
Bitches, bitches!
>>44012297
>They send Q and he just fucks your shit up
>There can only be one dankmaster supreme
>>44012962
>>44013171
>>44013222
I don't know whether to be impressed or scared by the fact that one day you might be able to come up with enough money to feasibly do this on the same planet as me, or that in an alternate universe, you already have.
>>44018697
Only the books always treated Bond as one person.
>>44012146
A body double, so I can shoot him in the head, put the gun in his hand, and lock him in my office so Bond thinks I've killed myself to avoid being taken alive, while the real me escapes.
And a backup lair somewhere else, obviously.
>>44027639
Didn't Blofeld literally do this?
>>44027800
Nah, he fucked it up and confronted Bond when his double was in the same room so Bond knew what was going on.
>>44012146
>lair
Bitch please, this is 2015. I've got a penthouse suit in every major world city and ski-chalets in the Swiss Alps and Colorado Rockies. I've got a house in the Hamptons and yacht I tour the Caribbean in.
Bond can drop in whenever he wants, but he can't touch me. I golf with the President of the U.S. and I have the Prime Minister on speed dial. The Queen knighted me last year and Bond's next mission in killing one of my Asian business rivals who I framed for supporting terrorism.
This is the 21st century and I'm a real villain. I don't have a "lair"; I have an office with an efficient staff and a Lawyer who will fuck your shit up for even whispering something negative about me.
>>44012146
Metal Gear
>>44012181
A honey pot assassinwith AIDS.
Cringe city. Your move, Mr. Bond.
>>44031691
HAH!
>>44028666
Mr. Cheney, the secret serviced has warned you about posting on 4chan.
>>44028666
You know you're describing like half of all Bond villains right?
Hugo Drax, Karl Stromberg, Gustav Graves, Auric Goldfinger, Mr. Osato, Max Zorin, Eliot Carver, Dominic Greene, Elektra King, seriously it's easier to list Bond movies that DON'T have the guy you're describing.
