post them! Be they funny or epic.
>"What do you want?"
"Do you have a minute to talk about my fist in your face?"
>Roll for initiative.
>A nearly 30 meter long snake-like creature juts out of the sea and cries out, a mix between a roar and a hiss, almost deafening.
"Ooh, that's a cool animal. I want to tame it!"
>"Please don't tame Leviathan."
>Roll for initiative.
>Alright, so the last of the pirates jumps in and closes the hatch behind him: the submarine seems to be submerging again already. Anon, it's you!
I jump down onto the submarine and rip the hatch open with a grin. "Heeere's anon!"
>"You're a horrible person."
>"It's like stealing candy from a baby! And the baby as well!"
>"I feel the warp overtaking me!"
rolled perils of the warp
>"They fucking lied, there isn't anything good about this pain!"
>I roll to bang
>nat20
>bard bought horses
>making nature check to see how healthy my horse and it's brewed
>1
>"Why the hell did you get me a rock ? Is that some kind of fucking joke. I know that the pioneers were able to ride them across the land but I'm not a fucking pioneer."
>"Look behind you buddy."
>>43978988
The Celestial Emperor has declared you are to die. You may meet your fate in quiet contemplation of your wrongs, or you can die screaming.
.....
Why do they always pick to die screaming?
Player 1 : Give it up! We have you surrounded!
DM: *Checks figurines, they're all on the same side* No, you're not!
Player 2: We have you surrounded, at least from this side!
>>43979293
that sounds familiar
>"Your second mistake was attacking me from the inside of my stomach."
>"Joke's on you! I didn't HAVE any intelligence to drain!"
>"So 'weasel' and 'squid' are status conditions now?"
>>43979392
>"Your second mistake was attacking me from the inside of my stomach."
What was the first one?
>>43979392
>I'll take cover behind the beef!
>But aren't wr gonna kill this guy in the end anyway?
(should be noted that this was said while negotiating with said dude)
>This... cooperation and teamwork. It's unnatural!
>The only logical cause for this conflict to have perpetuated for ten thousand years is gross incompetence on both sides.
>I suppose we can just leave her here for the Closet People to handle.
>>43979444
Oops, didn't mean to quote.
ITT: Had to Be There Moments'
(Yeah guys, nobody really cares about your campaigns.)
>>43979453
>stop having fun guys
>>43979293
Luckily you didn't have them ensphered
>>43979418
Willingly going into the stomach; it makes a lot more sense in context but the quote itself was worth a chuckle.
As some explanation, one of the party members had an extradimensional stomach (complete with 'turn any doorway you touch into an entrance' power), and we liked to use it for efficient travel, smuggling, or just lugging stuff around we didn't want to carry. At one point we were helping some Will-O-Wisps escape from a country, but we eventually found out that Will-O-Wisps are:
A) Assholes
B) Hilariously stupid
They thought it'd be smart to zap at the walls of the omni-stomach to try to kill their ferryman, he just shrugged it off with his native resistances, said that quote (to the confusion of the party who was traveling on foot), and nonchalantly flipped the switch to digest.
Turns out Will-O-Wisps can't do much when they're grappled, to the dismay of our GM.
>>43979453
>I don't know it's value, i don't know what it does, i don't know who's after it ad how well guarded it is right now. And frankly, i don't care. It's shiny, hard to steal, and i'm going to take it.
>well... i know it's hard to understand why someone would feing being dead in this acursed place that brings the dead back to life, but try to see my point...
>I shall die with honor!
Party looks at the fighter for a couple of seconds.
>... except for that time in the tavern. That really could leave dark spot in anyone's honor. But i shall die with a little honor!
>>43979279
In-character is in quotations
Vampire the mascarade:
>"Hey, have you guys seen a Sabbat bar?"
>"For the cucumber!"
>"So, what is your clan?"
>Oh, should I lie to him and tell him that I'm a Ventrure? nah, he just saved my life three times, he's a cool guy- "Setite"
>"Roll Initiative"
>Now, anon, let me do the talking, your character isn't very subtle to speak of- "Hi, are you Bushi?"
Dark Heresy:
>Okay let's do this interrogation with care and finesse- "I BURN HIS FACE!"
>Campaign to prevent a civil war among primitive tribes:-"Your swords are so soft that your women shove them up their asses to please themselves"
>Inquisitor: "Why is the politician that we wanted for president dead instead of the opposing candidate?"
>"..."
>Inq: "Don't tell me you had anything to do with that"
>"In my defense I have to say that it was the best shot I've ever done in my entire life" (he broke the damage record with a single shot)
>Panic in the congress/senate because the aforementioned assassination
>President: "What a tragedy, but still, we must carry on with the elections, since the last heir of the Borgia family is lost."
>Player 1: "Wait a moment, I AM LENO BORGIA!"
>Player 2: "NO, I AM LENO BORGIA!"
>Everyone and their mothers claiming to be the lost heir: Leno Borgia
Dungeons and Dragons 5ed
>It would be funny if, even with dex advantage, you rolled two ones
guess what happened
There are more, but right now I can't remember
>>43979652
>>Okay let's do this interrogation with care and finesse- "I BURN HIS FACE!"
Sounds like my group.
Warhammer Fantasy RP:
>"You have a 130% chance of success. How could you possibly fail?"
>(Jokingly) "Like this."
>Rolls
>Automatic failure
>>43979702
If someone can roll and automatically fail, it's not a 130% chance of success though!
>Player B: I throw my bombs at the back of the ship!
>All Players: We're ON that ship.
>Player B: I know. I want to make the ship go faster.
>Player A: I charge the demon!
>Player M: That's a mere mote of the apocalyptic being that destroyed 90% of this continent. We're level 1.
>Player A: Fine. I attack the tentacles.
>Player M, B, L, DM: I've seen enough hentai to know where this is going.
>do you know how hard it is to inconspicuously wield a side table?
>you do not see a Caviar-R-Us anywhere. It must be a strugling franchise.
>"Are you going to strip every time before a fight now?"
>"It worked! That's all that matters."
>Okay, you punch the colossal lizard-like creature in the jaw and it turns around, backing away from you all and retreating into the sea.
Hold on, I got to tweet about this.
You see a face in the water.It's yours. [/spoilers]
>>43979516
>I don't know it's value, i don't know what it does, i don't know who's after it ad how well guarded it is right now. And frankly, i don't care. It's shiny, hard to steal, and i'm going to take it.
Now that's the kind of character I can get behind.
>>43978988
After introducing players to burning village
Anon 1 : something seems off
Anon 2 : really what gave it away ? The rubble, fumes screams or burning corpses, or was it the bandits trying to kill us? I need to know what order to do this in
>>43979989
>playing 3.5 with no charops (I'm the only one who knows enough about the system to even attempt it, and didn't want to)
>After being given a quest by the local Council, we're approached by their retainer to make sure we have everything.
"Alright. Have fun you guys. Stay safe, follow me on The Twitter"
>DM pantomimes the retainer pulling out a stuffed bluebird, looking at it, shrugging and putting it away.
>once the laughing dies down, someone finally calls him on the anachronism
>sly motherfucker actually had a response planned that was bullshit enough to be "yeah I could see a wizard doing it."
About once a session for the rest of the game SOMEONE would make a tweet either summarizing the previous session, or bitching about the current one.
>"Just got back from elvish outpost "mission" #firstpartyproblems #surroundedbyidiots"
>"SO I told the fighter to jump off the ship in his full plate and he did! #theabsolutemadman #sorrynotsorry"
>"all the fucking clockwork people, fucking impossible to sleep #ticktockticktock #abombwouldmakeanicepet"
sometimes we had to make our own fun.
>Alright, let's roll the dwarf across the bridge.
>Stop feeding my dragonborn in his sleep.
Also, from a less enjoyable game:
>Hey catbutt, you know how you cursed me out when you thought you were dying?
"Yeah?"
>Aren't you going to pretend you didn't really mean all that?
"Fuck no. The only reason I still travel with you is because the others are here, too."
>>43979480
So, whose magical realm was vore?
Faceless: "I raise my machete."
Angel: "I raise my eyebrow."Note: These two gestures were considered equally threatening.
>>43982349
>So, whose magical realm was vore?
My guess would be the GM's...
>>43978988
>Quick! Check the Monster Manual!
>I'm pretty sure the Monster Manual does not have an entry for "Greasy Carrot God."
>"I'd piss on their graves, but that didn't end well last time, I'll settle for a passive-aggressive frown-and-wank instead."
>You have successfully converted to Judaism.
>Question: What will the Ghoul Rabbi do with my foreskin?
>When the time comes, you'll know.
>"I use Abel as a battering ram"
>"The ship's alarms are blaring"
>"I roll to fix the ship"
>"... okay, so the good news is that the alarms are off. The bad news is that the escape pod with the prisoners has been ejected"
>"Wait, what?"
>"Oh good fucking job, Ray. You put the prisoners in the escape pod, and now they're getting AWAY!"
>"What? How is it my fault? You're the one who arrested them."
>"Oh, so now it's MY fault, huh?"
>"Shut up you two. It's both of your faults for being shitty mall cops."
>"I roll to tell the Ewoks to bring the mall cops to me"
>"The Ewoks mishear you and bring the mall cops near meat."
>"Okay then. At least they didn't release the beasts."
>"They misheard you and have released the bird monsters."
>"WHAT THE HELL, ANON?"
>"Shut up, mall cop. I am a god and you like Paul Blartwalker, Space Mall Cop."
>"How do we pay the mermaids?"
>"Just throw coins in the water. If it's enough they'll take longer to retrieve than it takes you to leave."
>>43982349
>catbutt
furfag detected
Shadowrun
>GM:"You all are now covered in shit. Loose 1 Charisma"
>Troll PC: "ROOOAAAARRRRR"
>GM: "lol, what?"
>Troll PC: "ROOOAAARRRR" and points at character sheet
>Elf PC: "GM Anon, he's staying in character."
>GM: "...What?"
>Elf PC: "He only HAD 1 charisma, your trap just kicked the shit out of his ability to communicate."
>NPC: What has come to pass, can never be undone; and what has never been, shall never be.
>PC: Ooooh, so he's autistic.
>>43978988
>The bomb starts beeping, activated and soon to explode. What do you want to d...
I punch it.
>You punch the bomb?
Yes. I punch it to deactivate it.
>Ok... Go ahead and rol...
Success with triumph and 7 advantages.
>The bomb ceases to beep. You are still on combat with the "Jawas", who wants to take the next turn...
>GM: You come to an intersection, the tunnel splits into two directions, either directly left or directly right.
Party looks around, I roll dungoneering AND engineering to figure out how this tunnel was formed and if artificially, by what.
Nat 1
>GM: You think it's ogres.
>Me: Guys, we've got ogres down the left tunnel. I know this architecture and the tools used are pretty rudimentary, look at those bang marks in the granite...
Bard casts ghost sound to the left to convince me that there's an ogre incoming but doesn't know what they sound like.
>GM: Anon you hear a noise... Tha- ... umm... You hear something in a stupid sounding voice lazily say "Ogre sounds..."
>Me: THAT IS DEFINITELY AN OGRE!
The following is an excerpt from a conversation between my drunken fist and our campaigns BBEG after ten skins of wine each...
>Me: "Ehhh, aryuu mhrn brrRmmm Eahhmbubub aefur mrshnin.
GM: She replies, "Awww noooo NOOOO... aryuu suh shween ndish whin wa shoooo grat" A small tear rolls from the corner of her eye.
>Me: "Ther assh auld nodge oo avtuh ebit... Wahwee fah? Urrtoo mushinike us... therzautha way..." Sohai sloppily wipes the tear from her face, holding her cheek in one hand.
GM: Her face scrunches up and she just starts bawling her eyes out, crying as she wraps her arms around Sohai. "Urrzonaahs!"
>Me: Sohai starts crying too, hugging back, patting and rubbing her back with one hand while they both just cry like babies.
Our party found us hugging it out, sniffing and wiping tears from our faces, shitfaced off of wine. From there on this supposedly super evil wizard used her powers to wish a tarrasque that she awoken to the surface of the moon and began helping rebuild the lands she previously brought ruin to.
My GM told me that I was never allowed to use diplomacy while drunk ever again.
>>43979314
I can't help it, I have over 3k hours in TF2 and will never skip an opportunity to quote it
>Yea i'm going to throw my shoes at him, i'll even throw the body if I have to
Procedes to throw both of his shoes and the body to kill a Sabbat member half morphed into graffiti on the side of a building
>Come buy this delicious assortment of meats and other fine foods
one player attracting npcs to the previous players food stand by flexing, he succeeded
>Sorry I have to go drink bleach now
Final player after learning he had maggots growing (That were purged already which lead to the discovery) inside her body due to crit failed rolls at cleaning his house
The general quote for my story so far however is "Be that as it may" which just about every story character and pc has said
I swear my group will never run a non-retarded vampire game and as one of the dms i'm not helping that situation
