ITT: Marriage & serious relationships
What did it take for you married anons to decide he/she is the one?
For those that aren't settled down yet, what are some traits you look for in a "forever partner"?
Have you ever ended a serious relationship?
And lastly...when is the "right" time to get married? Lets go!
I broke up with my ex fiancé. Long long long story short he was emotionally abusive and I didn't realize it until he forced me into an abortion and told me to get my shit together when I was in a slump afterwards. We had dated for a few years and I was about to move halfway across the country for him. I felt like he was the one because we had been together for so long.
My now husband and I met a few months after I ended it with my ex and it was a major 180. I couldn't stand being in a room with my ex fiancé but when my husband would be gone for extended amounts of time, I would get super sad. I really missed him and wanted to spend all my time with him. We've been married 2 years now and I still miss him when he's at work. He's my best friend and I honestly couldn't imagine spending my life with anyone else.
If you're debating about settling down, think about this. If in 40 years you and your partner can no longer have sex, would you be able to hold a conversation and enjoy their company?
>>23886297
That's what younger women are for ;)
>>23886297
I'm really happy to hear that you got out of an abusive relationship! I don't mean to pry, but did you two meet online?
I don't think i'm at any point to get married right now even if i'd wanted to. thank you for your iinput and advice!
I'm currently going through a divorce because my wife cheated. I'm not totally turned off marriage after it, but I'd definitely be more cautious if I get married again.
Ultimately I said yes because I love him, but he's so much more to me than a lover. He's my best friend, my partner. I don't know how else to put it.
I ended a semi-serious relationship when I was in college. He was a nice person and good to me, but I just didn't like him the way he liked me.
As far a as traits go, obviously honesty and loyalty, but he should inspire that in you too. I used to get nervous around "hot" men. Don't get me wrong, my fiancé is adorable, but even those "hot" guys don't stand a chance anymore.
I'm getting married next year and I'll be 26. He will be 28. We have been together for over 6 years now, have a house together and stable, long-term careers. I'm not sure what the formula for the perfect time to get married really is, but it feels right to me and I'm very excited.
>>23886243
Probably the youngest one here but engaged anon reporting in.
Had 1 serious relationship in my early teens which also happened to be my first. (Never wanted to sleep around)
That ended due to me not knowing what she was capable of and trusting her blindly. It ended horribly.
I was still pretty young but i'd finished highschool when a girl from my old class got in contact with me which not long after became her confessing she liked me from school but simply was never brave enough to tell me.
She is lovely and i haven't been happier. We're engaged but i don't plan on marrying her till a few years time.
>>23886885
what's the point of being engage if you don't plan marrying in a few years?
It's been on my mind a lot lately. I'm finally getting over a lot of anxiety and coming out of my shell and it's like dammit... I want a wife and kids so bad. I've never even dated or touched a girl and yet I'm always fantasizing about coming home to a bunch of kids and kiss my wife and grab her ass when the kids aren't looking. Like that would be such a good life.
I just got married last weekend and my new husband is exactly who I dreamed he'd be when I fantasized about this in high school. The one thing is that these fantasies never included considering how I'd interact sexually with them. So, needless to say he's not sexual and I am.
It's going to be a struggle, but he's said he's ok with an open relationship, and we signed a prenup so if I meet someone else and leave him, he keeps everything.
>>23887211
This is just too memey
>>23886243
someone you feel like you've known forever, and you both feel completely comfortable around each other. no keeping secrets.
then give it (at least) a few years to make sure you're right.
you may still have "what if" thoughts or arguments. some are fine. if they're too many you should think about it. also remember though that both people should compromise. nobody may ever be "perfect" for each other, but if you both work at it, that worth something too.
>>23886297
This really depends on why we couldn't have sex. If it were a deficiency of some sort on her part then I would stay with her, but insist on fucking someone else.
I would never marry someone who doesn't understand that sex is an integral piece of any relationship, and just as important as literally anything else. Seriously proper sex is at least 50% of a healthy relationship. It's closer to 80% of an unhealthy relationship
>>23886408
No problem! And yes we did. Well my ex and I did. If you do ever get married I really hope you love being married as much as I do (: It's the best thing that's ever happened to me.
Bump so I can reply when off work
>>23887211
I'm here too...
>>23887211
>>23889644
No way.. did that really just happen?
I was with my ex husband for 10 years, married 5.
When we got married he totally changed, he just stopped giving a fuck about everything. Stopped taking care of himself, stopped giving a shit about working on the relationship. All of it.
About 4 years into the marriage he slept with a 16 year old girl, he brought her over to our house once when I was home in the guise of wanting me to 'mentor' her with my creative endeavors. When I found out he'd fucked her I went on his computer, countless ads looking for sex, emails, photos. Ran our phonebill up (which was under my name) thousands of dollars using data to look at camgirls while he was at work.
I left him, I didn't accept or ask for alimony/spousal support. I took a bag of clothing and some photos of my family.
I paid for the divorce, he spread a lot of lies about me saying I was the one who cheated and I was a slob who didn't work (I worked two legit jobs as well as selling my clothing online) it got so bad I had to move to another town since we lived in a small town everyone heard the drama.
That was 4 years ago, I have been in a serious relationship with a guy for over a year (we've been friends for 9 years) and he wants to get married. I am terrified it'll just be another replay of what happened before.
>>23886243
There were a few points where I suspected she was exactly who I wanted to marry, but it was when I told her I wanted to go volunteer in Iraqi Kurdistan that clinched it. She discussed the risks with me, then started packing.
I'd always known I didn't want a wife who needed me more than I needed her. I want a partner who'll watch my back and be there for me when things get rough. The weeks we spent in Iraq, together, proved to the both of us we really were perfect for each other.
A few weeks after we got back, we were lying together in bed as a storm raged outside, I turned and just asked her if she'd marry me. She wasn't even slightly shocked and said yes.
I gave her an engagement ring and her mother gave us loophole protection for our private assets. It'd weighed heavily on our minds after two friends divorced and the wronged party was raped by lawyers, lost the second home he'd bought to house his aging mother and was left with next to nothing. With everything signed, we got married.
Neither of us are who we thought we'd marry, but all the minor things fall aside when you realise you're in love with someone who will feel the same way and always be there for you, rain or shine. It's an incredibly liberating feeling, knowing you're not alone in the world.
>>23889819
this is awesome
>>23889745
were there any warning signs, in retrospect? anything you'd tell other people to look out for?
what was your dad like?
>>23889935
Warnings about cheating, no not really. I should of just left when he stopped putting any effort at all into us anymore. My mom and dad weren't married, they were seperated but raised me together, he is an awesome guy with a long time gf and kids. My mom has a husband, they all get along really well.
>>23889721
Absolutely. Last weekend we got married. We'll be leaving for the honeymoon on Friday.
We have had sex once since getting married, so I know he's trying, but I still am so much more sexual than him
>>23886243
>What did it take for you married anons to decide he/she is the one?
We share some of the same interests (music, sports), both had different yet strong career aspirations and we both share the same values (not religious, don't want kids, neither of us came from wealth, neither spends outside of our means). Got lucky and happened to be each others' "type" when it comes to physical appearance. Oh, and we both share a dorky sense of humor. Lots of goofball antics during dates.
Decided he was the one when I shared the skeleton in my closet. He still loved me "warts and all". He's one of those unicorns that believes that people can change and that the past is in the past. I seriously thought he was a meme, but didn't care- you marry guys like him.
>Have you ever ended a serious relationship?
Only had one serious relationship before The One, and he ended it with me, thankfully. Broke my heart, but it was for the best- would not have worked.
>And lastly...when is the "right" time to get married?
Depends on how each person and their society values marriage. You don't have to get married. Marriage doesn't keep people from cheating or leaving. We lived together for years before we got married. He thought the time was right because we both were finally getting settled in our jobs, and he thought it was easier to intro me as his wife rather than the love of his life.
Neither of us is traditional or romantic in that sense, though. i.e., I never wanted a big wedding or a huge ring. But to some girls/guys, symbols and ceremonies are important reminders, and that's legitimate.
>>23890014
any possibility it's due to low testosterone, depression, or something else psychiatric?
have you checked his computer for my little pony porn yet?
>>23890073
Low testoserone - no, doctor checked
Psychiatric - yes, he has ADD and anxiety, I have depression and anxiety
My little pony- no, he doesn't masturbate
>>23890130
it could just be he has a low sex drive.
maybe he's preoccupied. treatment of anxiety and ADHD might help
is he on any medicine?
usually SSRIs are used for anxiety. sometimes they help. sometimes (but not all the time) they can cause lower sex drive. they're worth a try at least. usually lexapro, effexor, or sertraline would be the best
an non-SSRI antidepressant like wellbutrin might help as well. wellbutrin is sometimes prescribed to counter the sexual side effects of SSRIs. it also can help with ADHD.
I hate to throw pills at you like this, but it would be worth it to test if it's due to a biological condition that can be treated
>>23890222
Yes, I'm very aware of the perscription options. He's on Lexipro and Welbutrin. He's on the very lowest dose of Lexipro, so the doctors say it shouldn't affect his libido, but we all know it does. I've taken Lexipro, so I can draw from experience...
Also, for the people not so familiar with these medicines, I'd like to formally correct you and point out that Effexor is NOT an SSRI, it is an SNRI. I have taken Effexor and I had a terrible time on it. SNRIs and I don't get along. The month on Cymbalta was hell too. I've run the gamit too with my meds for depression/ anxiety. Lexipro made me suicidal and Prozac made me gain 20 lbs. I'm "stable" right now on Wellbutrin and Noratryptaline
I really WANT to get married and have a big family. Be that traditional father figure, helping with homework and playing outside and playing board games or mario brothers on rainy days. I love kids, I was the oldest of a big family so I grew up taking care of kids and I want that for myself.
I want to be a good husband and I fantasize about cooking together in the kitchen, kissing her and squeezing her ass while spaghetti is boiling or something.
But at the end of the day I know that's all just fantasy and if I was to get married it would end exactly as well as every other marriage does. The topic just sends so much pain into my heart because I want this life I'll never get.
>>23890259
have either of you done psychotherapy? if you married a guy and just now decided the sex isn't good enough and you are considering an open relationship and already having thoughts about leaving him, and if you've had depression refractory to tons of medications, I would consider a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder. the only treatment for that of course is long-term psychotherapy.
please don't have any kids
With my husband for 11 years. Married 4. We met while I was study abroad in Asia back when we were In highschool. Upon returning I collected many emails and AIM screen names hoping to stay in contact with some of these people.
It was before Skype and before everyone had a cellphone with a camera on it, so we'd write long emails to each other, play WoW and run up a huge phone bill when we'd talk. We'd visit each other briefly once every half year or so up until we could finally tie the knot.
We both figure out early on that we were just so compatible. Someone we could both see growing old with and thinking about it would make us excited.
The most important part of a relationship is communication and learning that sometimes how someone expresses themselves may not be the same way you express yourself. ( I totally recommend the 5 Love Languages!! )It's realizing that you are not two halves of a whole bit two separate people helping each other to be better and working towards a unified goal. It's constantly wanting to be better for the other, to still have your own hobbies and interests but still share some between each other. After being apart for so long I cherish him having him be the first I see when I wake up and the last when I fall asleep.
>>23890302
It's MDD and GAD. I think my therapist, who has seen me every week for almost 2 years is more qualified to make the diagnosis than a person who has exchanged a few messages with me online.
The open relationship thing wasn't sudden, it was suggested like 8 months before we got married.
And we do plan to have kids, that's one of the reasons I needed to pick someone from my ethnic background, regardless of sexual compatability.
>>23890330
>And we do plan to have kids, that's one of the reasons I needed to pick someone from my ethnic background
this could go in several different directions but all of them are bad
>>23890330
no you definitely have some custer B personality traits. your therapist is either missing them, or not discussing them because she/he expects you'll react poorly.
>And we do plan to have kids, that's one of the reasons I needed to pick someone from my ethnic background
oh wow. or maybe you're just an objectively bad person
>>23890344
my man
>>23890302
It's nice to see that a real live doctor is hanging out on /soc/!
>>23890652
thank you milady
>>23890270
why do you think this is impossible?
maybe we should take some of these discussions to a depression/mental illness thread
>>23891376
>why do you think this is impossible?
because happy marriages don't exist anymore it's just misery followed by divorce
every single marriage goes exactly the same way. first few years are great. Then she gains 60 pounds and stops having sex with you. Soon she's forcing you to give up your hobbies and drop your friends while she still spends your money on her "interests" (pedicures and yoga class). forget something at the grocery store and get screamed at and sleep on the couch. she cheats on you and files divorce and gets the house and kids. How many happily married men do you know? I know one out of the hundreds of adults in my life. ONE.
99% of the men I've ever met have had their lives destroyed by evil wives and the only answer people even have is "we're not all like that you neckbeard fedora". Really, #notall, then give me a fucking example because I've never seen it.
MAYBE a religious, conservative, young, foreign girl who was never exposed to western feminism and wouldn't see me as a target to abuse and then divorce, but that in itself would be shit taking her out of the environment she knew.
It's so hard to even think about, but that's 2016. I want that American dream bullshit so bad, but isn't that what every man who's ever gotten married in the first place wanted, and every one of them ended up getting shit on for decades.
>>23892094
you talk in generalities. You fail to understand the depth and complexities of human emotion and relationship. You boil complex matters down to now vs the past /feminism vs innocence. you have a huge amount to learn about the nature of humans.
Any female cucks in here? I wanna fuck somebody's husband then make them lick their man's cum off me :3
>>23892094
ahh, I get it. what you are looking for isn't a partner, it's an object.
I have no idea where all this woman and feminism hate comes from on the internet, but yall faggots need to grow up. if you want a place untouched by feminism or western values, go move to saudi arabia or pakistan or something.
if this is what you actually believe about women and about what makes people happy then you're right, you never will have a real relationship and you probably never will get married. and I truly hope you don't.
>>23892222
>ahh, I get it. what you are looking for isn't a partner, it's an object.
What I want is to not be emotionally abused for a decade before having my assets stolen in divorce
To you, that's asking the impossible, and that itself is the problem
>>23892146
how many happily married 40+ men do you know
who don't complain about how bad their wives treat them and who have never been divorced
I'm seriously asking here
>>23892273
I am from a scottish family with my dads having 6 sisters and 5 brothers. The divorce rate has been 3 outta 12 the rest seem happy enough. Why is your immediate question about the happiness of the male? why dont you look at the number of males cheating? you seem to have built an ideology based on believing the worst you hear about women. You shouldn't my friend
>>23892094
if you live your life by the statistic you will fail
>>23892256
you sound like a moron, no offense, but the world is not like you make it out to be, you have given yourself the truth, no one here can ever make you reconsider so why do you bother?
You have already decided, despite there being people who live impossible lives according to you
comparing your life to statistics as if they were a game manual or a rule set, you must be the most limited human I have talked to...
>>23886243
Gay guy here. I wish I could find a guy who wanted marriage and kids but I'm fat and gay guys are superficial.
>>23892431
lose weight. weight doesn't define you and ir's something you can change
>>23892431
seems like you have a solution right in front of you: work towards what you want, work out
that look and the imitate sink hole in my soul . followed by the clairvoyance to know this is all going to end wrong.
>>23892285
>Why is your immediate question about the happiness of the male?
Beeeeeeecause I am male?
>why dont you look at the number of males cheating?
Because I know I won't cheat
Because statistically women cheat more so I don't know what your point is there
>you seem to have built an ideology based on believing the worst you hear about women.
Based on what I see all around me. I don't WANT to believe it I want to hope for this happy future instead I just see the miserable truth and get depressed that I can never have what I want
>>23886243
She said she knew I was going to be her husband the day she saw me and I just didn't know it. She used to come in to the butcher shop I worked in with her mom and would flirt it up a bunch. I asked her for a drink one day and found out she was 17 years old so I told her the day she turned 18 I'd give her a chance if she was still interested. Our first date we clicked like we were long lost friends. Ever since she came into my life things have been so positive for me. We are engaged, pregnant and saving to buying our first house and I wouldn't any other way
>>23892473
it's a waste to try to reason him out of it. he'll only try to crawl out of his shell of misery when people stop feeling sorry for him and stooping to give him attention
>>23892473
so at what percentage do you let the fear of a statistic stop you from doing what you want in life?
consider talking to a professional, sounds mentally crippling, I take back calling you a moron
I can relate to him 2bh I would love to come home to a table full of smiling kids and a big meal but it's just not happening, everyone I know is divorced
>>23893009
so dumb.
everyone I know stayed close to where they were born, guess I have to too, huh?
Why don't you ask them about their relationship and see if you can identify a problem?
What can you do differently?
Regardless of what the people you know do, there are people who die married and that will continue to happen
>>23894271
this has changed from the marriage and happiness thread to the pathetic defeatism thread. these faggots belong on /r9k/
>For those that aren't settled down yet, what are some traits you look for in a "forever partner"?
Similar family values etc. I'm going to start seriously looking by the start of 2017, I'm moving pretty soon then I want to spend some time getting in a little better shape, make myself a viable candidate you know.
I'm a blue collar worker and I'm never going to make much money and I need someone who can accept that and be happy without a lot of material things. Middle age will be beaten up used cars and keeping the same phones till they're obsolete and that's just how it's gonna be. So the kind of girl that randomly comes home with expensive sunglasses just because she saw them isn't going to work out.
I want kids. I honestly don't even understand why people who don't agree on that even bother staying together.
I want some alone time, a little bit of clinginess can be endearing honestly but sometimes you just wanna veg out by yourself. I don't expect her to like every bit of media I like, I'm not going to like everything she likes, but just because I want some time to enjoy a certain CD/tv show alone doesn't mean I'm mad at you I just... want... to veg out for 45 minutes. I need someone who can respect a bit of space. When I hear guys say "I can't watch (movie) anymore because the old lady doesn't like it" I feel awful.
I'm really not very concerned with looks, I'm kind of ugly in the face, and poor, but tall so that helps, anyway I'm barely average myself so all I can ask for is not obese, bit of chub is alright I guess, shorter would be fun but it's not really important.
I am pretty religious, she has to be same religion as me, again I have no idea why anyone would even bother dating outside their faith. And that includes I'm still virgin and expect her to be too.
>And lastly...when is the "right" time to get married? Lets go!
I would like to asap, but I don't want to get desperate and rush it and end up with the wrong person and have it be just like these guys are crying about. I've romanticized it in my head to this sensuous wedding night defloration followed by an eternal honeymoon period, flirty and frisky around the house, taking the kids out to the petting zoo and having all this family fun. Sounds like a dream but I know there's shitty parts too, bills to pay and the kids fucking up at school etc.
>>23894271
>Why don't you ask them about their relationship and see if you can identify a problem?
The problem is people getting married for sex instead of a partnership
"oh she has such a great ass but she bitches all the time, but I mean it aint gonna suck itself"
Wrong mindset
People never have the long hard conversations about life goals, career, money/savings, HOW to raise the kids etc
They just end up with the person who they happened to be able to tolerate the most, "I'll never be able to do any better"
Lower the expectations for looks way down and focus on compatible personalities
We met online, went on some dates, and had lots of sex. I started staying at her place after about a month and officially moved in a few months later. We lived together and loved each other for 2 years before I bought the ring. But I held onto it for another year before asking her, because I wanted to be damn sure it was the right decision. At the time, it was. I was in love, and I believed she was too. We were married for 4 years. Then when money was tight she suggested we get a housemate. He moved in, and then 3 months later she threw me out. They had been fucking the entire time. 4 years of marriage, 7 years of love and friendship just tossed away. I fought for her, but she wasn't having it. Fuck marriage, and fuck people who can't just end a relationship if it's not working for them, and fuck people who fuck other people's spouses behind their backs and pretend to be friends to their faces.
Of course now she's alone because he just wanted to get his dick wet, and I've had amazing sex with 6 different people since she ended it.
Honestly I still have large amounts of love for her. But I also fucking hate her guts. Never want to see her again. Miss my stepson though.
>>23894271
half the people itt it didn't work out for them
Everyone realizes it. We grew up watching our dads lives get destroyed and all our friend's dad's lives get destroyed. Then soon you're in your mid20s and people are telling you they already regret getting married. When there are no examples of success around you you start to wonder what the deal is.
Look at >>23892222. Ask for something more than a screaming cow and "you want an object". It's how they're raised, the disney movie where prince charming rescues you just because you're female. And then after he gives her kids, he's disposed of and she takes those kids.
Everyone is realizing it. That's why the fertility rate is falling so low and less and less people are getting married in the first place, because men realize there's no way for them to win so they won't play anymore.
>>23895053
once again, if you're gonna go full on mgtow why are you in the marriage thread and not /r/mensrights or wizardchan
>>23895085
>being wary of the 50%+ divorce rate and wanting a devoted loyal partner makes you a permavirgin mgtow
Are you a woman? Because shaming men for having high standards looks really scummy and doesn't help your case.
I'll start looking pretty soon, but I plan on importing, so I'll have to figure out how to do that. Any advice for finding a /white/ foreign woman to marry?
>>23886243
Loyalty honesty and shes not a whore. Mary a lady never have long term relationships with whores.
>>23895192
I understand your mistrust and anger, I posted earlier in the thread about my 10 year relationship ( 5 years married ) and how my husband wound up sleeping with a young women in our home. It's painful to know that kind of infidelity is so rampant, and I know as a straight male your frustration and anger is going to be turned on females.
I just want to point out that if you go into the threads like the 'cheating threads' you'll see a ton of men along side women talking about sleeping around. I'm not saying that women are in the clear here because I have seen some pretty awful behavior from them, but a lot of men (not all of course) aren't exactly good husband material either.
It's difficult in general to learn to trust someone and to actually give someone your companionship and not have it turn around and bite you in the ass.
>>23895192
>high standards
That's the fucking joke, that's the problem right there. "I don't want to be treated like garbage" is "high standards" these days. But women will never look at their own behavior and what's driving men away from them.
>>23895053
you are a moron, its not the lottery, but even that is possible to win, you talk as if marriage have a lower success rate than lottery tickets, you are simply wrong.
There are people who die married every day and that will continue to happen, you can choose to work towards being one of those, or you can be a whiny little shit and get no where and then blame society for your own pathetic shortcomings like you are now
its your fault if you don't find what you want with that attitude, your fault entirely
>>23895053
I honestly don't understand how you are able to give up so easily, humanity would never have gotten anywhere if everyone was like you.
"the chance of actually getting into space successfully on the first try is statistically difficult so lets just not do it"
you also completely forget that we are individuals, you consider yourself one but all women are generic and they were all raised the same, there are no social circles in the world where this might be different, right?
just think.
>>23895358
>there are no social circles in the world where this might be different, right?
He did mention interest in non western girl
>>23886297
The first post and it's the biggest punch to the gut.
Fuck my life.
Sorry femanon.
>>23887047
Either to get someone to shut up, or they're just rushing part of the process.
>>23890072
>skeleton
Care to share what it was?
>>23890330
Who suggested the open relationship? Your therapist?
>>23892492
What's the age gap? Otherwise, that sounds pretty adorable.
>>23894753
I was 100% with you until the last bit
>I am pretty religious, she has to be same religion as me, again I have no idea why anyone would even bother dating outside their faith. And that includes I'm still virgin and expect her to be too.
Unless you're orthodox Jewish or Muslim, being the same religion doesn't mean shit anymore.
Not saying you should marry someone who belongs to a cult or is a fedora-tipper, but I don't get why that's such a big deal.
Also
>2016
>finding a woman in her 20s who's still a virgin
Now the religion bit makes sense. Good luck with that.
>>23894789
Jesus christ, that's awful.
>Stepson
There's your red flag.
>>23895272
This. Well said, femanon. Nobody should be saying that guys never and have never destroyed marriages.
I think the problem is that with the ways the courts are slanted in regards to alimony and CS/custody and with the diminishing value of the male in an empowered female culture that's done much to minimize the societal consequences of cheating/divorce, guys are getting the shaft in regards to marriage more than they ever have. to the point where you can argue women as a whole have it better.
Some women see it as "finally balancing the scales for decades of injustice blah blah blah", but how is that fair to men growing up now?
In any case, because of how bad it's getting for guys in comparison to how it once was, you've got guys like that absolutely despondent about the whole thing.
I don't agree with his attitude about it, but I get where he's coming from if his slice of the world really is that dour.
>>23895456
well, is he non western?
if he is western then obviously those kind of people can be found here too
