>>29962912
hello. i have similar experiences, i think, but first it would help to know what you mean when you refer to paranoia. is this social paranoia (you're afraid they're going to be mean, judge, criticize, reject, make fun of you) or is this a different kind of paranoia? i think you mean the first one but i want to be sure before i say anything.

>>29962979
The first one. Keeping conversation is hard for me too.

>>29962979
Also OP, I'll be back in a bit so I may or may nor respond.

>>29962992
>>29963010
okay. well it sounds like you may have actual social anxiety disorder or social phobia. this is not a meme disorder for people who really have it. it destroyed my life because i just couldn't fight it anymore and i let it get out of control.

now when you say "is there something wrong with me" maybe the answer is technically yes because you are having a difficult time functioning but i have never found that this type of thinking helps. when you are not functioning properly, you need to think in a way that allows you to succeed. thinking of yourself as damaged usually doesn't help when you already feel socially anxious or awkward. the best thing to do is acknowledge that you have a brain that has developed in a way that causes you to make choices that other people don't have to make (feeling safe vs. going out into the world) all the time. what you have to do is learn how to feel safe when you do go out into the world. this is usually accomplished with some individual and group therapy to figure out the root of your anxieties and exposure therapy for your specific phobia (social situations, being with other people) where you practice confronting the anxiety provoking situations.

in terms of fixing this, you should consider seeing a professional. i would recommend staying away from anti-depressants. they like to prescribe these for people who are depressed because of social issues, but it makes things worse because based on my own experience, it's a thought/personality/behavioral/situational problem that leads to the depression, not an organic mood disorder. anxiety medications can help in the short term, but the goal would be exposure therapy and you may find that you can achieve this without medication if you are willing to try,

outside of that, i would be willing to talk to you some more about this because i went to therapy for a long time and might have some things to say, but i don't know if you're going to come back and respond.

my social phobia began when I was 15/16 and grew stronger each year.
By the time I was 21 it got so bad to the point that I crawled on the floor of my apartment so my neighbors couldn't see me through the window.
Than 2 years later my mother got cancer and I was forced to tend for her. It was hard at first but I'm now a productive member of society again. My mother unfortunately passed away 2 months ago but my social anxiety hasn't returned yet.

tl:dr: force yourself to go out, no matter how hard it is at first

>>29963198
>>29963151
Thanks guys, it means a lot that ya'll would respond. I'm gonna go get some sleep now, goodnight.

>>29963198
sorry to hear about your mother. i can relate to your experience almost word for word.

i also developed social phobia at 14/15 and it kept getting worse each year despite my attempts at therapy. i would have brief periods of success and then fall back into even worse and more isolated habits with more anxiety each time i tried again and more fear of failure.

my mother was diagnosed with cancer several months ago and it's literally been the best motivator that i've ever had to get better. before this, i had reached my bottom after not going out more than 3 or 4 times per year for the last two years. i finally started trying to get better again but it was going slowly. i was then forced to go out daily if i wanted to visit her in the hospital and if i wanted to be able to take care of myself knowing that she will die within the next year or so.

i feel extremely guilty because i feel like i've benefited from her suffering but in a way, i feel like the universe is trying to help me finally get better. i'm not normal yet but i'm getting better. her condition has been stable lately and i find myself slipping since the urgency of "i have to be functional before she passes" has subsided but i'm at a better baseline than i've been at in years. i know from experience that it's extremely difficult so i applaud you for stepping up and doing what you need to do. it's harder to take care of yourself than it is to take care of someone you love, i guess.

i still feel pretty hopeless and i'm older than you so i've been isolated longer and feel that i have kind of lost my mind in some ways from being so alone for so long. i've become very, very different from the average person and more awkward and uncomfortable than normal people can possibly imagine but i'm working on it and i won't stop trying until i find out i really can't ever function normally. thank you, because your story gives me hope that i desperately need right now.

but yes OP, you need to force yourself.