How are you today lads? Today I had another down day.
>tfw you know how to escape depression but you can't motivate yourself to do it.
Normies will never know this feeling
been so depressed cant even motivate myself to do basic tasks and routines, like brushing teeth, and memes cant fill the void forever
>>29930406
I literally have all of these. Then again I already have a diagnosis so it makes sense
>>29930406
>been living with all of these for the plat four months
Joy of joys
Depression doesn't exist. You all are a bunch of faggots.
>>29930406
I think I have become so depressed that I have started to stop feeling any and all emotions. I don't really get nervous in public anymore and I have stopped crying regularly
>tfw medication resistant depressioin
>>29932409
yeah, well your gay
Not even trying to be edgy, I've been feeling most of these except tearfulness my whole life. If I ever cried around my parents they would beat me "because men don't cry". Now I feel nothing. I repress all emotions to the point that I actually feel like the walking dead.
>>29932475
>autist with anxiety
>get medication
>doesn't feel like it's working at all except maybe that i cant cum as easily anymore
Am I doomed? I only want to get high anymore, it's the only way for me to enjoy things
>>29932555
>I repress all emotions to the point that I actually feel like the walking dead.
What the fuck did amc think by this?
>>29930406
I want to get out desu. Has anyone had any progress with personal development from guys like Tony Robbins? Seems like a cool dude, but I find myself resisting his ideas.
Help?
I'm sick of it all, it just never gets better.
Anything that you do to "improve" yourself? At most you'll feel slightly better for a few days, then continue being depressed like usual.
It's like that all the fucking time, I don't want to continue suffering.
I've been wanting to kill myself for months now but I just don't have access to any effective and reliable methods. Partial suspension hanging might be the best thing I can do in my current state, I don't know.
>>29930406
>hopelessness and pessimism
cuz neet and uncomfortable about it
>feelings of worthlessness, guilt and helplessness
cuz cant get my shit together and my social skills will always be shitty
>Thoughts of death or suicide
nah
>restlessness
always
>irregular sleep
ya
>decreased energy
until i leave my room
>changes in mood
idk bro when my mood is shitty i just look for a joke and tis all good
>insomnia
not really insomnia, more like refusal to sleep
>difficulty making decisions
sort of, i pick one at random (of several alternatives) when i cant decide though
>appetite and weight loss
i tend to snack a lot, yeah
>persistent sad, anxious or empty mood
always
>tearfulness
nay
>others
there are days that my mind is on fire and i can make decisions quickly with a clear objective, if you get the gist. smalltalk becomes enjoyable, therefore easier, but that happens like 3 times a month.
am i a special snowflake? i kind of think that depreshun is a meme at this point but the signs was more or less always there.
>>29932579
im starting to think that these medications are suppose to reduce your fapping time instead of treating your depression
i dont care if it's depression and i don't need to be bothered with thinking about it. as reviewbrah says "it is what it is" and i'll be better off living as I am.
>>29932838
>not really insomnia, more like refusal to sleep
your depression isn't too bad then since I always want to be asleep because my depression is so bad it mentally hurts to be conscious.
you'll be ok bro, I guess you're just feeling some self guilt about your poor social skills and NEETdom. Once you finally get a job and are forced to learn how to socialize you'll heal
I on the other hand have felt like a hopeless wreck for 3 months with suicidal thoughts every day
>>29930406
my feelings of hopelessness, pessimism, worthlessness and helplessness are the nails that hold my depression in place, i consider it more like my personality now, my golden rule is never to do anything that embraces hope, i can't allow myself to do anything because my brain is obsessed with the inevitably of death, it sees every thing as pointless as a result and shut itself off, my brain is playing dead, my body is rotting, 12 years of constant depression, lost all feeling, lost all energy, lost my family, lost my memories, dropped out of everything except for survival, shelter food and sleep are all i can allow myself to experience, music 24 hours a day to forget this reality, i fight against what my brain wants through escapism and distraction, it wants to kill me, it wants to kill, what is left of me is just a lie, the truth is bleak, i don't want to let go, i'm not ready, just sleep all day to survive while staring into the internet void and listening to music, hoping the time passes faster, to the next sleep, hoping i won't wake up every day, haven't cried once yet, no feeling, empty, might as well be laying in my bed looking at a blank fucking screen or staring at a wall 24 hours a day, corpses get more action than me, maggots crawling in their ass, i am a ghost, that's what it feels like, it's meaningless to me, might as well already be dead, the outside world is dead, don't even have enough energy left to die, mercy killing should be a right for mistakes like me
>>29930406
>tfw I am clearly depressed
>tfw no one notices or says anything
>>29933097
Had existential crisis on a daily basis, which was the trigger for suicidal thought. If that is your case, you just need something to be mad at (in my case it was natsoc shit, but I see it as a broken ideology nowadays).
It is probably what people call "soul searching" I guess.
>>29930406
>tfw not sure if I have depression or just product of shitty environment
>>29932475
You know thats just a term they use to sell more medication, don't you? You have to see through that bullshit.
>>29930406
>No cheese is a sign of depression.
Only in the UK.
Today was my 21st birthday. I have never felt so alone or uncared for. Nobody says a thing, not family, not friends (the whole three), not anyone.
My nonexistance would be oblivious or forgotten. Nor would it make even the slightest impact on the world.
I just feel like crying, but i can't even do that
>>29933325
I'm sorry anon. I wish I could find someway to use all the love in my heart to heal all of us.
>>29933280
Well that would cause depression, right?
I've been doing the same thing almost every day and hardly leaving the house for over a year now.
The days, weeks, and months blend together, only separated by the media I obsess over at the time.
My room isn't well lit, my roof leaks, and theres mold from the damp leaking ceiling that releases spores that can increase depressive feelings and memory loss.
I'm also unmedicated, too poor to get represcribed. Shit sucks.
>>29933378
I guess, but I thought that depression was something that was deep-rooted in one's psyche or coded into their DNA, not something that can be cured by moving out.
Maybe I am depressed but don't "have" depression?
>>29933325
It sucks, but honestly it's a good age to stop caring about your birthday. Just accept that every person is in fact ultimately irrelevant, and move on.
>>29930406
I don't even know anymore man, it was going great and then one small thing happened and it got out of hand and now I'm just fucking done. Hopefully tomorrow goes better.
I'm not suicidal but I can't get over the thought that I'm trash. I just loathe myself. I'm like 30 pounds overweight for my height and it kills me to even look at myself sometimes. I hate the way clothes fit me and just generally feel shame when I think about my body.
>>29933325
Happy birthday, anon. I care.
>>29932650
You could try using drugs.
no friends, no gf, sit on my computer 14 hours a day, this has been my life for last 10 years, turning 30 in 6 months
oh also im totally blissful, probably one of the happiest people on earth
your situation does not define you, your mentality does
>>29933426
I know, you're right. I have since i was 18. But I hoped so much that atleast found that reason enough to talk to me. It's really not about my birthday, it's just that no one ever really wants to talk. I couldn't think of another reason they might have
My sleep schedule is so fucked. I stayed up all night, passed out the next evening, slept 15 hours, then the day after that I couldn't sleep until 6 AM the next morning. Probably going to stay up that late, or maybe just not get any sleep.
My primary care physician accidentally referred me to a psychologist instead of a psychiatrist. I've been looking for four months, and nothing. I don't even know if the meds work anyways. I need real drugs, but I'm too lazy to get them.
>Be me
>18
>Taking Ritalin/Concerta since I was like 8/9
>They have no effect on me anymore and I feel completely empty when I'm on or off the drugs.
>Been given sertraline for anxiety and depression for a while now and it turns out I can't even tell a fucking difference when I'm on these.
>I sit at home all day moving from my bed to my high end computer that can run any game yet don't even care about anything enough to give a shit.
>Started to think about ending it recently
The only thing I ever wanted to be is a filmmaker. I'm 20 years old and I havent done so much as shoot a video in my life. I'm stacked with work in college that I know I cant finish in time. Just biding my time until I lose enough willpower to throw myself off a building.
>>29930406
>Lightbulb dies
>Buy new lightbulb
>It dies one day later
Welp I live in darkness now
>>29933513
>>29933361
Thanks anons, I appreciate it
>tfw you know how to escape depression but you can't motivate yourself to do it.
What ? How ? I'm actually using alcohol for this
I've been on therapy and meds for 3 years now. I ended up like a fucking zombie. I can't feel anything, I can't react to anything; I live my life life a lifeless machine, numb, with no emotions. I'd off myself but I don't feeling anything to make me want to end everything. I can't get myself to do anything anymore.
Even heard my therapist a few weeks ago telling my mom:
>"I think we should take your daughter off therapy, it doesn't seem to help her anymore. Stick to the meds and hope for the best."
Fucking piss off, this shit therapy and meds made it worse than before. Can't even feel ANYTHING at all. Can't distinguish if I'm feeling sad, lonely, happy. All i feel is empty deadness and numbness inside. Sorry.. Ending rant.
>>29933663
This lack of motivation is kind of essential in defining depression. Normal people can feel depressed, but whats important is that they can process their depression normally. Without that, its not unlike a mind that cannibalizes itself.
>>29933690
In a similar situation here... fucking sucks
>>29930406
>Tfw supposed to get a job for the summer and still haven't even applied yet
>Tfw starting community college soon and don't even know what I want to do yet
When does it all end lads
>>29930406
It's weird. The days where I don't have suicidal thoughts is when I have this almost painful throbbing in my head. Like my mind isn't use to not having pressure on it.
>>29933690
I was pretty much raised under these conditions from 6-9 until I was 18. Its hell and I dont know how to live. I live with my other parent and he doesnt even believe in mental illness so i went from one extreme to another.
I have all of those things.
I'm not trying to edgy or meme. Fuck those MGTOW guys.
But, I honestly feel I would be at least 45% less depressed then I am now.
>>29933918 here oops forgot to add.
If I could feel the embrace of a nicely proportioned women.
If only.
I know that's asking too much. There is no hope for me is there famiatouchu is there?
>>29933726
So, you say that the motivation is the key ? I've never felt so good than 2 years ago, and since 2014 I feel more and more demotivated by anything
I just follow what I have to do without listening to my whishes like a robot
I tried the motivation but for what ? I don't know how to fucking use it !
i have every depresion warning EXPECT weight loss
cant get fucked harder then this
>>29933873
>doesn't believe in mental illness
What the fuck. Does he just think your mood swings or going from one extreme to the other is part of your personality??
I can understand people not believing in God. But not believing in mental illness is pretty much like you don't believe in physical illness either.
>"Oh yeah man I had blood contact with some African man and apparently that gives you Ebola but haha don't worry, Ebola and this sort of body illnesses are not real, just fiction lmao xd"
Is he even able to support you when you're down in shit with all those problems?
>>29930406
>weeks
Normie depression detected
>>29934026
>TFW food is the only thing keeping the thoughts of suicide away
>just watching myself balloon up
>>29934122
I think he associates the effects of mental illness with personality traits instead. He encouraged me to stop taking my medication and whenevr I tell him I feel depressed he gets pissed off. He wants me to get a job and maintain 5 classes in an online university and he thinks my failure to do this is lazy and has nothing to do with depression. What I hate most is that he only came back into my life when I was 18. I tried to kill myself and when I was in the mental hospital I had to have a discharge plan. He told me he would help me unlike my psychotic, bitch mom but he just wanted to feel absolved for not being around for the past two decades.
>>29934248
Just shows how fucked over our brains are. Get every major depression symptom except the one that would be kinda helpful.
>>29930406
Everything, except
>Appetite and weight loss
It's quite the opposite
>Insomnia
Also the opposite. Some days, i do tend to be awake more hours than usual but, my cycle is 12 hours awake 8 hours sleep
I have been miserable since the age of 15-- and i'm almost 24.
No one has ever given a fuck about it. I tried to talk with people who can get me in therapies and shit like that but, the usual response is:
>"You're healthy. You just need a job"
Get shit from people like:
"Why don't you change your behaviour?"
OR
"It's all in your head. It isn't even real"
If anyone wonders:
Don't ever and i mean EVER go to or live in Jewrmany.
This country is fucked up.
>>29934381
You really have to get away from him and find someone else who can actually understand you at least a little bit and is able to support you through this crap. If he even encourages you to get off your medication, you know it's time to cut ties with him. The medication might render you completely numb fucked but at least with a boyfriend that's able to understand what you're going through and acknowledges your states, it won't be as bad and difficult.
I've been depressed since 2012 approximately. I have no friends, I live with my family that ignores me. Sometimes I get even more depressed and think constantly about ending myself. This week in particular was pretty bad. I've never seen a psychologist, maybe I should.
>>29934613
I think there might be public clinics where you can just casually go to and check in for a free checkup.. At least that's how i first got into therapy
>>29934716
>I tried to talk with people who can get me in therapies and shit like that but, the usual response is:
>"You're healthy. You just need a job"
Anon, did you even read?
>>29934745
I'm sorry I thought you meant you talked with known people who know a therapist or something and would be able to get you into therapy but they won't because they think you're okay..
>>29934613
What about Germany makes it so fucked up Anon? Beside the migrant hordes, of course
>>29930406
Anybody here who wants to talk someone who really just wants to help others. Reply here. But I will go to sleep soon.
>>29932650
Talk to me. I want to listen. explain ur story anon. Im serious
>>29930406
I've been severely depressed for the last 8 years and for the vast majority of my childhood. Had a loaded gun in my mouth a couple times but couldn't bring myself to pull the trigger. Somehow I managed to get through college and have gotten pretty good at what I do. But I still wish I was dead every day. I dated for the first time in over 3 years recently and she just turned out to be a massive narcissistic cunt. I give up. People are fucked these days and I'm better off sitting in solitude waiting to die.
I've noticed that /r9k/ doesn't have an abundance of people that encourage self harm in the face of depression. Why is that the case? Ive always seen /r9k/ as a pretty cynical but this doesnt fit that bill.
>>29930406
>tfw literally every symptom for months now
I just want to sleep, robots. You understand.
>>29934907
help doesn't exist for me
>tfw I can get a job this summer
>tfw I know that I will be fired after 1 month
>>29934889
The people.
They don't seem to even want look at reality.
>In germany you have no problems
>In germany money is the only value a person needs
>In germany, you either work or people will sentence you to the worst of punishments
>In germany, there is no room for human emotion
>In germany it's still "work makes you free"
That's how everyone thinks and acts.
If you dare to even feel "slighty down" you get shunned and treated like shit.
The migrants are really the minor problem in this shithole of a country.
>>29935019
Thats edgy b/fags mostly. But occasionally its here.Kill yourself faggot XD [\spoiler]
I've been depressed my whole life, like literally as long as I can remember, and I'm 27 now. One of my earliest memories is going to a child psychologist, and I was in and out of therapy all the way up till I was like 15. I took meds for a while, Zoloft I think, but I honestly don't remember anything about it except feeling nothing at all and gaining a shitload of weight that I never lost.
My family thinks that I outgrew it, but that's because I learned to hide it. I was tired of getting yelled at on the way to therapy and watching her cry about how expensive it was. She was worried about me, but money was also a pretty big problem. My dad used to work 70+ hours a week at times, which I couldn't appreciate until much later.
Now, I'm just a mess, literally and figuratively. I tried to go back to school, and had a break down last semester where I just stopped going. I have no friends anymore. The ones I had have all dropped contact with me. My apartment is disgusting and full of trash. I can't be bothered to shower or even brush my teeth regularly. The list goes on and on and on. I can't afford to see anyone because can't even afford insurance.
I just want to sleep and fade away forever. I literally can't imagine myself in a better life. I have no dreams. I have no ambitions. If someone waved a magic wand and swept my depression away, I honestly don't know what would be left standing because it wouldn't be me.
>>29933840
For me it just culminates after a day or two of being depressed and then I get that throbbing head pain and I want to start punching shit and then I really want to end it.
Guys, i know that i don't have depression.
I didn't leave the house for 2 years. I don't even know why exactly, but i just stopped talking to people and developed some anxiety and panic later. After 2 years of isolation i had a psychotic episode. They gave me medication and called me a schizophrenic. I'm not schizophrenic. just had a psychotic episode. I took an antipsychotic for a few months (dumb me chose injections).
I'm now off medication for a few months. Don't experience any psychotic symptoms and never really have like a schizophrenic do.
I don't feel empty like depressive people do. I don't feel much at all. People would describe me as a schizoid personality. I have no motivation and anhedonia.
I'm not sad and i don't have negative thoughts.
It's just like something finally did die inside of me.
I feel neutral in a good sense. Like the burden of feelings was taken off of me.
Did the antipsychotics fuck with my brain enough to let it happen?
Was it the long social isolation?
Don't really know what to do about it. It's like someone has stolen my soul and i'm totally okay with it.
I
WANT
TO
FUCKING
DIE
LETMEOUTLETMEOUTLETMEOUTLETMEOUT
>>29932382
>tfw been living like this for the past 8 years with slight ups that make me think things are getting better
>they never do
>>29933837
>tfw in the exact same boat
It never ends.
Had a good day, didn't think of any of the bad shit weighing on my mind (until writing this)
Shit now I've thought about it, my life socks. Thanks for reminding me op
>saw nan threw out a bottle of pills because she got a new script
>see it's hydrocodone 7.5/325
>4 left
>take them all because I've been feeling awful lately
>really really amazing feeling for an hour or two and felt really good the rest of the day
>first time I've felt really good in a while despite regularly smoking weed which used to help a lot with depression
>on the peak of the first hour hear https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v2_2Z2u74Tk in my head as clear as if it were playing and something just "clicks"
>start crying out of the joy
what have I done
>go for a long time without having any major issues, or at least get used to them until they're normalized
>realize that I've become jaded to a lot of things, both happy and sad
>start questioning everything, e.g. does anything make me happy anymore?
>symptoms come back
fuck.
>>29934613
I'm the same as you in the sense that I hit all the checkboxes apart from insomnia (I sleep way too fucking much, often 10-12 hours a day) and decreased appetite.
I'm not sure what's wrong with me. I don't feel depressed, I just don't have any drive or enthusiasm for anything.
>>29936292
>>29930406
>Tfw you go to a Jewish doctor and they tell you that you just gave up too easily and to try again
>tfw they refuse to treat you to just b urself lmao
I'm a human being with goals and aspirations but I can't function day to day. I'm on disability and I fear I will be my whole life.
I wanted so much more than this.
>>29936547
Enjoy missing that feeling for the rest of your life.
>>29933690
Post vagina pweasse
>>29930406
Bullshit. Everybody has those things
At this point I feel as though I need my depression to function. Most days it is there when I wake up or around an hour later but those days on which it is not are even worse. When I am depressed work goes by faster, I can justify stupid decisions somewhat using the "world is your oyster" philosophy, and I am even better at socializing since my depression makes it easier to do and say cringeworthy shit without a second thought. It really can be useful, If only I had any desire to do anything. Also my libido is near completely gone now, which is nice logically.
>>29937458
At first I thought you were a bit of a shit head for saying you needed your depression, but I understand what you mean. There is a certain freedom that comes with complete apathy.
>>29930406
>regularly experience all but maybe three of these
>"If you, or someone you know, experience 4 of these symptoms over a number of weeks seek professional advice immediately."
oh.
>hopelessness and pessimism
>feelings of worthlessness, guilt, helpessness
>thoughts of death
>insomnia, irregular sleep
>difficulty making decisions
Am I depressed guys? I feel decent to good most of the time but I ticked off a lot of symptoms, plus it runs in the family.
>>29936547
>that song
You can never tell if with them if a song is actually a love song or about heroin, I'm pretty sure this one's actually a love song.
Anyway you should probably actually get on an antidepressant if aren't on one. Just talk to your GP, if you really have depression it's an easy diagnosis and you'll get real medicine. There's a reason doctors don't give out weed, alcohol, and opiates to cure depression. If you can't be clinically diagnosed with depression, they'll still help you work it out. Hydrocodone was a good one to have done because it's by far the least addictive opiate. There's nothing wrong with having enjoyed it, but if that was morphine or heroin it would've been 100 better and you probably would already have more now but don't go out and do either because it will NEVER be as good as that time. You had your one moment. It will never cure your depression ever again. You can chase the dragon your whole life and you'll never get closer than you got.
>>29937701
If you don't think you're depressed you're probably not. You notice it.
Guys, I'm scared my depression might actually be schizophrenia. Could you tell me what the difference is and how to tell if you have schizophrenia?
>>29937608
Exactly. Have you ever done anything interesting or useful with this all encompassing apathy anon?
>Normies will never know this feeling.
stfu norman. depression is literally the most normie "mental illness" there is.
>kinda feel sure that i'm in love with loli at camp i work at
>not sure how this happened but probably because of emotional stuntedness
>talk to her for entire hour long bus ride today
>right the end she pops the question
>"do you have depression?"
>feel absolutely btfo, say no
>asks "are you sure?" with skeptical expression
>say no again, ask what makes her think that
>she talks about how i don't smile much, am very negative, etc
>feel overwhelming surge of sadness that has stayed for the 8 hours since
I thought I was good at hiding it. I thought I'd done it so long that people couldn't notice. A fucking 9 year old that I have some creepy Humbert crush on saw right through me.
>>29937751
If you hear voices in your head, or if you hallucinate, those are signs of schizophrenia. Plain depression doesn't have that shit. What would make you think you're schizophrenic?
>>29936547
Congrats, you just had an Satori
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Satori
Now try getting to it with meditation and without drugs and maybe one day you be awakened from this endless nightmare what we call thinking.
>>29938209
He didn't have a magical awakening, he just got high. Have you ever abused opioids before?
>>29938011
My uncle has it, and I've been getting worried that I might develop it too since I'm at the risky age (22).
Also I've been spending a lot of time alone and have not been talking to people increasingly over the last few months. I have a hard time expressing myself or having fun doing anything with people, so I just avoid it. A few of my family members have implied that it might be schizophrenia.
But there are no voices or hallucinations, nor do I think I have magic powers or that people are out to get me. I'm just scared it might be the beginning stages or something.
>>29938291
It's good to keep an eye on it obviously, but nothing you're describing definitively points towards schizophrenia. That stuff could mean a lot of things.
Why is it so hard to just brush my teeth/hair/shower? I feel so fucking pathetic but I can't make myself do it.
>>29938291
You don't have schizophrenia and that you fear it is the best sign against it.
Trust me i know my shit.
Ask me anything about it.
>>29933621
Sounds like how I used to be. If you can get your hands on Seroquel do it. I take 1 mg a night and it makes me drowsy as fuck I can barely keep my eyes open.
>>29938222
i don't know mate it was pretty magical
>>29938209
i'll look into it
>>29938458
>1 mg a night
Do you mean 100? They don't even make 1 milligram Seroquel pills, I don't think that would do anything to anyone. And anyway, I already take it. I take a 300 milligram XR capsule in the evening and a 100 milligram IR tablet closer to when I'm trying to sleep. If I want to knock myself out I need to top that off with trazodone, clonidine, and extra gabapentin (I'm prescribed 800 milligrams 3 times a day, I often skip the doses earlier in the day and take 2-3 at night.)
>>29938291
No dude, definitely not. Schizophrenia is one of those things where when it shows up, it fucking SHOWS UP. Your family is being a bunch of douches and maybe you just haven't met people you truly enjoy the company of. Most people are horrendous monsters anyway.
>>29938578
It always feels magical.
>>29933632
Same here, but going on 25. You need to get out and start filming. I need to get out and start filming. It isn't too late for either of us.
>>29937839
Sorry for the late reply. I usually put out all my emotions during party's and I abandoned the job u thought I wanted, I have plans to go to university for plant biology because I like plants. I have abandoned several attempts to relationships but I don't know why. How about you?
>>29938615
http://www.schizophrenic.com/articles/schizophrenia/prodromal-schizophrenia
tl;dr: You're an idiot.
Not feeling as good as I did yesterday. But I planned to stop fapping, start lifting, and to apply for a loan today. I didn't fap when I woke up which is a pretty big achievement. I didn't get out of bed until 2:30pm though.
>>29938668
Why are so many people here convinced that not jerking off will somehow help them improve their lives?
>>29938698
I dunno, supposed to give you motivation to try find a girl. Really I'm just tired of doing it 5+ times a day and have already quit two other addictions recently, may as well make it 3.
>>29933294
Not that anon but I can get depressed on amphetamines
I got a huge supply of psychedelics this week. I'm hoping they're gonna help me find some significance in my existence and reevaluate some of my irrational beliefs from a new perspective. I've tried them a handful of times before, but I didn't take enough to really change things very much and I was more focused on the novelty of the experience, so I didn't do very much introspection. I'm not too worried about bad trips, but I've got some anti-psychotics that should end the trip pretty quickly, by blocking the receptor psychedelics act upon.
I have the ingredients to make some ayahuasca, which I hope is gonna be a very helpful experience. Some people have described taking it as one of the greatest experiences they've had in their lives and it's supposed to be immensely therapeutic. I read this collection of letters, "The Yage Letters", that William Burroughs sent while he was spending some time in Columbia. He kept trying to get natives to give him ayahuasca. The first few times he tried it, he didn't get too many effects (he said it was just like marijuana), but towards the end of his stay he swallowed down a large amount. The tone of his writing really noticeably changed after he had gone through that trip. He started spewing out all this stuff about spirituality and nature and he wrote lines and lines of cryptic poetry. He said he was a little frightened, because the drug had noticeably changed his perception for several days. He was seeing everything in a completely new way.
Sounds like something I need in my life. I don't really buy all that "pineal gland third eye spirit molecule" stuff, but from doing all my reading I'm anticipating that there might be something to this drug. I'm going to save the ayahuasca for a special day, when everything feels right. In the meantime, I'll try some of the other stuff I obtained.
>>29938650
I too have abandoned attempted/potential relationships without really knowing why. May have been the guilt from feeling as though I was trying to use them to make myself happier rather than vice versa. It was probably just the apathy we speak of though. Sincerely hope university works out for you anon.
>>29934248
>>29934516
>have very low appetite
>been depressed for years
>weigh 115 pounds, 5'9'
Trade with me? Looking for Tearfulness since I am so empty sadness will be a nice change.
>>29938966
Hey thanks, I know that bridge. Sometimes I find its best to force myself to do stuff that needs to be done and then I can do nothing again. Keep strong anon
>>29933294
It's not as if I'm really paying for my meds. Half the time there isn't even a copay on my stuff at all.
>>29935667
If you have the feelings of a schizoid, but then have a psychotic episode, you're schizotypcal/ schizophrenic bruh; schizoids don't go psychotic.
>>29938810
I remember one time I was doing meth, I stayed up a couple days doing lines and smoking some, and the whole fucking time I was just depressed as shit watching old TV shows trying not to break down.
>>29938893
Burroughs went to get the yage kick so that he could get over his problems with addiction. He was still a junkie when he died. It didn't help him.
Anyone miss sadness, just crying like a madman? I wish my mom would die or something, I need to really bawl.
>>29939037
I think it is technically possible to remain schizoid if there were external factors causing the psychotic break, drugs or what not. I met someone who was OCD and had a psychotic break induced by THC.
>>29938966
This is a supremely relateable post.
I've been depressed all my life. Today was my birthday but I still didn't feel any better.
>tfw no creative inspiration anymore
there was a time when I cooked food and even though it was objectively garbage I was able to put my heart into it and enjoy it anyway because it was for people I loved. And they liked it too.
Now I have a much more expansive knowledge and skill base from pursuing food as a career but I can barely bring myself to make anything new because I'm alone now. Anything I do make tastes bland.
I'll probably shoot myself when/if I lose my current job.
>>29939037
Many people have a psychotic break without being schizophrenic or schizotypal. I don't display symptoms of either of them.
I clearly showed signs of having OCD at that time though,
I had pseudo hallucinations and the fear of going insane. I knew about my state of mind.
That has nothing to do with schizophrenia.
Never said i'm schizoid bruh. I said people describe me as a schizoid personality.
One weird symptom was that i misunderstood voices/sounds. The people who said that stuff were real, but instead of hearing what they actually said i heard something different.
That's not a hallucination and i never found anything about it.
Beside it i had intrusive thoughts, but i have them under control know and they nearly disappeared. I still misinterpret distant voices sometimes though.
Autists sometimes have that symptom, but I don't qualify for autism. This shit only happens with distant voices.
No professional could help me with that or explain me why i experience it. I sometimes think it could be caused by brain damage.
>>29930406
>lost 60 pounds in 2 years
>i dont even exercise
i just feel too shitty to eat most of the time
>>29939273
Sorry, i'm tired and not a native english speaker.
I'm german and learned english in school, but still suck at it.
>tfw feel amazing for no reason
>but only once a year or so
why does it have to be so rare, what even caused it?
>had a massive breakdown
>punched wall and cut myself
>didn't eat for 2 days
>wandered around in southern summer heat for a few hours
>head hurts
>multiple cuts on legs from thorns
>abused some pills
>then passed out on bed
it's getting pretty bad, sadbots
i've been a sobbing mess for a week now
>>29939152
Today was my birthday was well.
>tfw I spent the entire day wishing I was fucking dead
>be me 23 yrs old
>never had a gi1rlfriend
>father left went when I was 14
>raised by single mother and abusive older brother
>constant beatings due to repressed anger
> age 15 discover how to huff gasoline to get high
>year was spent abusing inhalants
>even learned to asphyxiate myself to get a euphoric feeling by holding breath
>same year discovered pot
>socially awkward in school but never bullied that much because I would kick ass
>age 18 arrested for evading and eluding and possessing meth
>managed to to only serve a year of probation and expunge of record by completing a per-trial aversion program
>abuse alcohol to get by urine analysis
>spend the rest of my time up until now an alcoholic but have been sober for 6 months due to citalopram 60mg
>TFW- NO GF is hitting hard
> I just want to be loved
>>29930406
I have all of em.
Diagnosed with MDD a few weeks ago, waiting for my Wellbutrin to start working.
>>29940022
Wellbutrin is good shit as far as clinical antidepressants go. Not that that's saying much.
>>29932382
>he thinks 4 months is a long time
I don't like you
>>29930406
I'm having a bad period.
Called out of work yesterday, stayed up all night again and really thinking about calling out again today even though it will super piss my boss off and put my job in jeopardy. I don't care thought but I know I'll care later. I just really don't want to go, it's painful, it feels like I'll have to kill myself or get rid of myself in order to make myself go.
>>29937046
Post dick ploxx
wow im so le depressed boo hoo every one listen to my sad stori :'(
the bitching board, /r/depression
>>29942431
it's pretty cringy seeing all these retards thinking their lives are hard, or that anyone actually cares what some fat neet neckbeard says on 4chan
>>29933690
I used to be suicidal, got therapy, now i just feel emontionless and empty. Does therapy even work?
>>29942473
>cringy
good morning, reddit
>>29942408
>>29942473
>they post on r9k
>they pretend they're above pointless bitching
>>29942528
it's 7pm in my country you fat slob
>>29936200
THE RIDE NEVER ENDS!
Originalerino
>>29930406
I literally have every one these...
And I'm a 31 y/o khhv...
>>29942538
You can bitch and have fun, that's the color of this board. The depression subreddit is pretty serious, no fun allowed.
>>29942538
I'm from Reddit, so I am above you :)
>>29930406
I just destroyed my entire fucking house in a fit of drunken rage because I spilled my water and now im going to have to spend hours tomorrow cleaning it up before I go out and buy a bottle of liquor and do it all again
>>29942506
Honestly, it works. If you are willing to ''get better'' and cooperate with them, take your meds after the schedule they make up based on your symptoms, the severity of your illness and what you talk to them about it will.
Only problem with this ''working'' is that it renders you completely emotionless and numbs down your feelings, so if your idea of ''fixing'' yourself or getting better is to get yourself as numb and desensitized as possible to everything around you, yes, yes it works.
>nothing makes me happy
>can't see myself living past my 30s because I will have done nothing and just killed myself
>days just run together now
>nobody really gives a shit how I feel when I talk to them, they just want to let me know I'm wrong
>psychotic_delusions.pkg
Now everyone wants to help and I just want to put a fucking bullet through my head because I don't want to go through this shit again, but I can't check myself into the psychward because then the state will make me give up my gun which I need to kill myself in case the 2408th time I've gone and tried to get help doesn't work.
