Tell us about your "I want to die" episodes, anon
>>29926621
They used to be episodes man, now it is a looming sword above me, ever present. But I have found comfort in it, the great equalizer, peaceful silence.
If I didn't have some of my family alive and caring about me still, I would end it in a heartbeat. But I owe it to them, so fuck it.
>>29926861
>Looming sword
I know your trying to seem cool but the frase is looming cloud. If you spoke normally maybe people would like you.
Just some advice
>>29926861
this desu
i used to only have a few suicidal thoughts every week now my whole life is a suicidal thought
>>29926621
Currently I'm going through a my life is meaningless story arc but the series is mostly about wanting to die.
>>29926904
Get the fuck out normie "looming sword" sounds awesome
>>29926904
>corrects people
>can't spell phrase right
ok
When I heard my entire family talking about how much of failure I am, when parents thought it was a good idea destroying my selfsteem by daily making fun of my weight during my teen days. When the girl I was trying to date kissed a guy while making eye contact with me. When I dropped out college because anxiety and now every 2-3 days.
>>29926904
no, its the looming sword of damocles, that was the reference, got read about it
and maybe you should stop projecting yourself onto other peoples motivations, just some advice
having one right now desu
however, the fact that I can see ugliness and understand it as such means that somewhere in my mind, I know what not-ugliness looks like. I remember what 'good' was. I can't afford to die, because the seed of a new universe exists within me, and as far as I know, no one else. I have to stay alive so that I can make the world less terrible. My chances are shit, but they'd be worse if I were dead.
>>29927028
Really makes you think.bloxxx
>>29926621
>get on bus going to work
>bus nearly empty, abundancy of seats open
>some smiling hamplanet just plops down next to me and gleefully asks 'may I sit here?'
>Graduated with honors in biochemistry
>No jobs in my state
>Grandparents are ill
>Help Mom care/finance for them
>Spend life savings doing so
>Work retail for the last 10 years
>Old hobbies are no longer fun
>No love life
>No social life
>No friends
>Constantly mocked at work by younger staff
>Constantly shit on by managers knowing i'm desperate for work
>Drunk driver trashes my parked car 3 months ago
>wake up 3 hours earlier since I have to walk/bus everywhere now
We have a bridge overlooking a trainyard, I'm thinking thats where I will jump from.
>>29926937
>>29926946
>>29926995
Whatever guys. Here I am just trying to help this failure of a human being.
Keep on talking weird though. Drive people away.
>>29926952
I'm in the similar situation. Parents ruined me, I got very poor health. Dropped college cause of money and that is hurting me the most, I was very good and had some kind of future there.
too bad I'm poor as fuck
Whats so wrong with suicidal thoughts? Never understood you guys. Everyone has them. It's not that uncommon. It means you get too bored
>>29927094
Are your grandparents dead yet? Why not just leave for another state?
>>29927125
Sorry but you clearly don't understand the point. There is a difference here and I hope you never experience it, truly and honestly
>>29926907
Find peace and comfort in it, you will find that there is no need to rush.
There really are worst things in life then death.
>>29927132
Despite more health problems than a hospital, they seem unable to die. My Mother raised me alone, since my Dad is a narcissistic con-man. My Mother is also the hardest working and kindest person I know, I can't leave her here to care for them alone.
Our extended family are all selfish cunts. They are waiting for their deaths to get into the estate. They don't know my Mom has Power of Attorney and is executor.
They're intense enough to where I feel physically sick
>>29927045
We might be stranded out in the middle of a frozen desert with no fuel, power, or backup, but I can't afford to die, because I'm the only guy who saw the blueprints before they got folded up. I have to stay alive so that I can keep kindling the spark of a habitable universe.
Shit, sure, it's grandiose, but depression is the opposite of grandiosity. If you come in with some modest, conscientious shit, you're going to get fucking paved.
>>29927171
Man, ive tried to kill myself a few times. Ive had episodes of pure sadness (depression is a serious word. I was never analysed. I dont know if it is actual clinical depression). But hey, that's life!!
You're not the only ones to suffer. Everyone (with a brain) has this battle inside. But it's life. Life is winning that battle. Everyone is in it.
Then again, wether you win or lose, life is just a meme really
>tfw lying in bed, suddenly imagine my future self in unimaginable agony screaming to me to end it while I still can, that my ability to end it all is so luxurious as to be a myth in the future of the path I currently tread
Fuck willpower is right, I need Jesus man
>>29927527
I know that's life, that's the whole problem. I know other people have it waaaay worse then me, and that only makes things worse.
I speak from experience, I'm near 30 and my whole life I tried so hard and gave my best. It was all for nothing, I lost it all. I'm poor and in the middle of fucking nowhere, and I'm sick too.
But I agree with the end, that's why I didn't do it
>>29927291
How good is the estate?
>>29926621
Trying to find a job that doesn't degradate me as a human being.
Remembering I fell for the meme.
>>29927651
Call me whatever you like, but laugh. Laugh at yourself. Laugh at everything. Go out, take a walk, do whatever. All pain shall end one day. Dont give yourself so much importance.
But at the end of the day, i dont know whats in your head. Dont listen to a word i say. Except for dont get too stressed about life. Relax. As much as you can.
>>29927815
I actually do everything you wrote, plus I seek help and take meds.
My biggest problem is that I had untreated bipolar disorder since I was 14-15. Don't wanna go into my life history but shit to shit to shit, be me at 25, my whole life falling apart.
Suddenly I'm taking Haloperidol and Geodon and rest is obvious.
Thanks for kindness or whatever it is btw, I truly appreciate it.
>>29927945
As ive stated before, i dont know exactly what's in your head or your life story and ive never been treated. But hang in there man. We're with you.
Why not start lifting? Got me through a bad episode i wasnt sure i was going to make it.
>>29927987
I've been planing that for a long time, never did it. Should do it, I see no downside to working out.
Any kind of job is what I need the most, but I have huge trouble getting one here. Same goes for women, no one wants to deal with a poor, sick and depressed person, its a killer combo
>>29926621
basically pessimistic thinking makes me do it
>I'll never get a job I want
>I'll always be socially awkward
>I'm gonna get fired
>I'll never be happy romantically
I may have just gotten out of one, I dunno. Still feel pretty shit. I had a gf about a year ago, first real one not counting one high school gf. She moved to another country. I only recently got enough money together to go join her, went over there, found out the entire time she'd been dating, didn't want me anymore (despite telling me a few days before that she did) and basically turning me into the worlds biggest cuck. Came home instantly despite having like 6 months rent on an expensive apartment I couldn't get back. Called up my dealer despite being about two months clean for the first time in about ten years, stayed permanently fucked for about two weeks, had some pretty close calls. Wrote my note, had my method ready to go. Even went to where I was going to do it. But I didn't, don't know why. I just felt like people would think I did it because I was heartbroken or something. When in reality I'm just fucking jaded.
>>29928169
Breh, motivation is internal. Just go and do it. Lifting is the best anti-depression med. Go to /fit/, read the sticky (20 mins) and get a gym membership. Get shredded. Get confident. Never too late to start being fit
WE'RE GONNA MAKE IT BREH
>>29928719
And the girls will start coming. You ca do it anon. I believe in you mate. You are one tough fucker. You can lift all those feels, you can lift anything.
>>29926621
I always feel ashamed that I have those thoughts for some reason. Something keeps telling me that I shouldn't be thinking that and that other people have it worse that me so I should shut up.
Anyways, change that I can't control was a recent episode. I don't know what the fuck it is but I have never been good with transitioning with change. I'm thinking it's because I had no friends to help me during changes that affected me so having no one to help me transition makes me unable to adapt. I don't fucking know.
My parents decided to have another kid before they turn 40 and I don't know why, but that sent me into despair for some reason. It isn't a sibling that has me feeling like this, it's the fact that our house has changed and I had no control over it. Also I think it's a selfish reason why they did that. I'm fuckinf 21 and my sister is 13. He won't have anyone to talk to around the house because neither one of us will be living at the house by the time he reaches the age when he needs someone. Their reasoning for having another one is that me and my sister are getting older and that they always envisioned having 3 kids despite telling me all my life that it would be me and my sister and no more.
The good thing is, he's a boy and he'll be able to take the family mantle once I get off this Earth. I don't care for a wife. I don't care for kids. All I want is to be successful in my own merit and once I've achieved that, I can finally power off my brain with lead. It's a bittersweet relief.
>>29926621
drank a whole bottle of vodka when i was 17 and vomited on my official runescape handbook tht my mum bought me when i was 7
>>29926621
Here's a good one.
>On vacation with my dad and his gf
>At a hot springs hotel thing
>Go out drinking with them
>Feel myself slipping into a shitty depressive state
>Ohboy.jpg
>Get drunk anyway
>Look at a table with a bunch of kids with a look of evil apparently
>Dad's gf asks what I'm looking at
>Talk about how easy it would be to kill all those kids
>She gets upset
>Get back to the hotel
>Manic evil mode has bloomed into full blown self destructive hate mode
>Smash my head into the wall, start screaming and crying rip all my clothes off
>Go into the shower for like an hour
>Come out and lay in bed for the rest of the night without sleeping
>The next day my dad and his gf are acting weird as fuck
>>29929102
You might legit have autism dude
>>29929102
You have some shit in your head. Do your best to heal it.
>put old cum-covered shirt in my personal garbage bin
>throw garbage out
>few days later a mysterious plastic bag is sitting in our hallway
>ignore it because wtf is this
>bag is gone
>go to do laundry
>cum-covered shirt on the floor
>ask mom how one of my shirts got here
>she says she saw it in a bag in the hallway
still have no clue how it returned to me
>>29929178
idk what I have desu I'm not sure it would be considered "autism". Based on posting stories and feelings here a lot of anons have said I sound psychotic or mildly schizo. Sometimes I really can't even distinguish what's going on in my head.
>>29929221
I've been working on it for years, I go through really rough patches but also good patches. There's always an underlying awful feeling that won't go away though.
>dad screaming at me about how I give up on life when I have it easy and shouldn't be lying in bed all the time
>tells me I only want pity
>yes, yes I do. pity me pls
tfw hideously depressed and nobody wants to treat it like a mental illness
>I'm not tall but there were guys way shorter than me that were slaying pussy in high school
whenever i see a couple my age looking happy, having fun i want to kill myself.
>>29930392
Same and when I see someone sad, or crying I feel happy. I also laugh when I hear news about people dying.
