Childhood depression general
>tfw you were bullied at an early age
>Suicidal thoughts since childhood
>Severe minority complex, have to make others feel good/laugh in order to justify being alive
>never develop a personality and identity
>Don't recognise myself anymore since I've grown up
>When I look in a mirror I see some weird combination of my parents in male form
I wish I could be myself but I don't exist as a personality, I'm merely a walking husk with a mask of cheerfulness and politeness
Yeah
Yeah that's about right
That's exacly what I feel everyday, everytime.
You are me.
>feel responsible for the feelings of others because if I can't make them at least comfortable I'm not of any use anyway
>am "that kid", class pariah even at 5
>taken advantage of/made fun of and half the time couldn't even realize it
>told mom I was depressed and suicidal at 10 or 11 and was yelled at because have a dead sibling
>taken to therapist who never helped me
>21, no friends, still suicidal, constantly either fucking pissed or heart heavy with despair
What the fuck is wrong with someone like me? I just wish I could be someone else
>>29918074
Basically this, but..
>Always the outcast, that got accepted by a lot of people over time only to move away to another school every year to restart the process every year at least.
I am brilliant at making friends, but I can't retain them and feel awkward around them because it feels unnatural.
>I grew up the only ginger in my class.
>I was made fun of relentlessly because I looked different and cared about my school work.
>I've spent so long pretending to be stupid to avoid being bullied that I actually am now.
>Only had one friend until I was 13. He had a speech impediment and a learning disability so we were both outcasts
>We used to get so excited that we had a whole lunch table to ourselves until we realized that nobody wanted to be near us
>>29918074
>Wanted to be a girl at an early age
>Got caught in my sisters clothes at 4 (she would share her clothes with me when were were alone at home)
>Was put in-front of a mirror, and asked "Do you think you look pretty in this?"
>Very hesitant "... yes"
>"Well you're not, and I don't want to see you do this again"
>Relationship with sister gets a bit damaged
>Change day care mom
>Get bullied by her boy children
>Age some years
>Still want to be girl, have no trust in anyone
>Figure out boys don't actually want to be girls
>Think about how unlucky I am, it's not rare to be a girl
>See no future in life
>Think I obliged to live because my parents own me
>Day dream about becoming an adult so I can kill myself
>>29918349
Tried doing something you find fun?
>>29918349
Nothing's wrong with you. It's this fucked up world we live in that causes so much suffering while nobody bats an eye.
>>Day dream about becoming an adult so I can kill myself
I too dreamed of adulthood, I imagined getting married and caring for my own children. Boy was I wrong. I'm 21 and any (physical) affection shown by parents/grandparents hurts, a gf would probably be much worse. I'm made to give, not receive.
>>29918074
Just be angry and start feeling like you have the right to be happy and left alone. That way when you feel like spazzing out or kicking someones ass you can feel justified in doing so
>>29918762
That feels wrong to me, I'm never angry.
>>29918385
this is exactly me, I've moved 8 times since 8th grade (currently going into my junior year) and am moving again to Florida at the end of the summer. Always move away right when I start making friends and have to start the whole damn process all over again
>>29918349
>>29918443
Femanon here. Please don't kill yourself yet. Listen to my message first:
http://i.4cdn.org/gif/1467790450641.webm
Good luck!
>>29918074
this sounds just like me OP. Is there a name for this
Who else knows this feel?
>Bullied/depression during childhood
>Fucked up sexually
I've got a feeling these are pretty heavily related.
>tfw I only get turned on by people getting beat up/humiliated
>>29920267
What do you love?
Is there anything that going without would rip the heart out of your chest?
