I have massive problems with depression. Whenever I talk to someone about my history, they always say "well of course you have depression and anxiety problems, your mother violently assaulted you often in your childhood."
But even to this day, I think that I was such a little autistic weirdo that she had no choice. She's a good person, as far as I can tell. Since nobody else was there, how can I ever know if I was abused or it was reasonable?
>>29895190
Tell us more about your mother
>>29895216
She's sort of a no-nonsense type, she grew up on a farm. I have Asperger's and I used to be very defiant of her for no good reason.
For example she would sometimes get me to stay in my room by laying a hockey stick outside the door. If I crossed the hockey stick she would beat me. And sometimes I did, because I was so annoyed. So she would hit me on the legs. It's not like I didn't know what would happen, it was self-selected punishment.
>>29895246
Did you want her to feel anything from your defiance?
Did you hope to gain attention from it?
>>29895309
I think basically I was trying to express to the world that everything was hard for me. I just wasn't good at life (I'm still not good at life), and I didn't know why.
The problem is that I was a very smart kid (I don't feel so smart anymore, after years of depression). So I was even more of a little shit because I would try to have proper arguments about things. And my mother just wanted to have a simple life.
>>29895246
If she beat you for that silly shit, she isn't as good of a person as you think bro
>>29895356
You know what the differences between you and her are. That's all you need to know.
Whether or not you'll do something about it, and in a proper manner, is entirely up to you. Autism or no, you need to move on.
>>29895395
Oh I'm trying to move on. I don't think about that stuff at all, except that whenever I talk to a therapist about my depression, they always seize on that part of my history. They think that's just a perfect explanation, that I need to see my mother as a negative force in my history.
I don't know if I'm deluded, but I have the impression that maybe I only turned out sort of normal because she was so hardline with me. For example I used to flap my hands, jump up and down, etc.
>>29895431
What about your father? Did he leave early on?
>>29895431
Obviously. You were an unruly autismal boy. What's your point? It's in the past.
>>29895451
Workaholic. I always thought he was very cool, but he was more of an uncle to be honest.
>>29895456
My point is I've started lying to therapists about my history. That's probably not a good sign. But it's the only way I can get them to stop saying "it's not your fault" like it's fucking Good Will Hunting.
And if I'm just going to lie to therapists, I don't know what the point is.
>>29895431
>I don't know if I'm deluded, but I have the impression that maybe I only turned out sort of normal because she was so hardline with me. For example I used to flap my hands, jump up and down, etc.
You probably did. Strict parenting often pays off. Think of it this way, you went from being a retard to being depressed. That's a step up, IMO.
>>29895465
Did you tell him about the abuse?
Sorry if I'm asking too much, I wrote a paper on mother/son abuse back in college
>>29895190
>But even to this day, I think that I was such a little autistic weirdo that she had no choice.
It doesn't matter how autistic you were, that's no excuse to assault a child.
>>29895492
He didn't want to know. I'm sure he basically approved of it, or didn't think about it at all. He knew I was a weird kid and needed some sort of special treatment.
>>29895481
The point is you're different from some people and you approach life differently. And that makes you upset. So find a way to reconcile with reality, because it is going to continue to be this way until you do.
>>29895493
t. an autistic weirdo tumblrite who thinks xiresex is a special snowflake and doesn't need to learn how to realife
>>29895518
Did you try turning to other people for help, such as teachers, friends, or other family members?
>>29895554
>And that makes you upset
I don't get "upset". I get depressed. My hippocampus must be the size of a pea by now.
>>29895558
I remember one time I told mum I was going to call some agency I had heard about, and she just laughed. I figured they'd see that she was in the right and I never went through with it.
>>29895631
If she hadn't abused you, how different do you think your life would be? Better or worse?
Do you believe she is at fault for your depression? Or is the blame on yourself?
>>29895728
>If she hadn't abused you, how different do you think your life would be? Better or worse?
I think it would have turned out much better, but I'd be an arrogant person. I'd probably still be very smart, and I would have achieved some great things.
>Do you believe she is at fault for your depression?
It seems very likely. But I don't know what to do with that information.
>>29895613
Stfu you dumb ass cunt
>>29895757
How is she currently? Do you still talk to her?
>>29895837
She's full of regret, and seems depressed herself. I have two brothers and we all turned out pretty dysfunctional.
I talk to her politely but I don't like her. I can't even feel sorry for her, but I know objectively her life is probably a sad story.
>>29895874
Do you think anything can fix your pain, as well as their's? Wealth, friends, hobbies?
>>29895925
My relationship with my mum doesn't have a hope in hell. I've tried (twice) to repair it, but I was just faking. I can't feel anything towards her.
I have a girlfriend and a couple of friends, my life has some structure to it. But I'm always on the verge of despair.
I think my life will probably have about 10 moments of joy in the future. It's worth continuing. But I feel that the damage is done.
I'm probably not having children. Actually my mum recommended that I don't have children. Funny that we were on the same page.
