>tfw you've been miserable and lonely for so long that you mistake misery and seclusion for your identity
>tfw you go out of your way to perpetuate it, actively seeking to hate and avoid anything that anyone else likes so long as they are not miserable and/or alone
>tfw you've turned away from creations in forms of media you would normally enjoy for the sole reason that too many other normal people enjoy that version of a thing, literally going out of your way to avoid being able to relate to the same things as anyone else who isn't miserable and alone, almost actively seeking to ensure chronic isolation at every turn
>tfw a pervasive defensiveness is so ingrained in your personality that even the most innocuous approach from someone else can be reframed into an attack on your person, and as a result nearly every interaction is interpreted as hostile
how do I fucking fix this, /r9k/?
at first I thought finding people in the same situation here would help my break out of my shell and let go of all the emotional baggage I've been carrying around from my miserable teenage years but all of a sudden I realized that my time here has done nothing but enable me to build my entire persona around being the guy that likes/does things that "normies" don't, culminating in me rejecting anything deemed "normy" not as a matter of whether or not I would actually enjoy them as an individual but instead as a function of who the people who already enjoy those things are.
I want off this wild ride ;_;
>you think that the life difference between you and an average person is mile wide when it's probably just a few steps or more
>never change for the better because it feels too overwhelming
>>29871677
>how do I fucking fix this, /r9k/?
you don't
at that degree, you probably already developed some degree of schizoid disorder
it's harsh, but who cares? apathy is a great deal of it
do meds fix this shit
I have this thing where I kind of like putting myself down. I get pleasure from thinking about how much of a loser I am and sometimes I wonder if I could make myself even worse.
If I can't be the best at anything then maybe being the worst is just as good.
has any robot ever just stopped being a robot?
how did you change?
>>29871949
>I get pleasure from thinking about how much of a loser I am and sometimes I wonder if I could make myself even worse.
This. I'm addicted to sadness. I got "blueballed" my last birthday because some course mates came around and celebrated me. Usually I have a good cry about being lonely when It's my birthday.
One day I'm going to wake up from this and regret all of those years I ruined by being perpetually sad on purpose.
>>29872716
I can definitely relate to getting addicted to sadness but having m8's over to chill and then wishing I was feeling sad instead I cannot imagine
does that happen often to you?
>>29872759
I can't really enjoy things (I think I'm ahedonic or something.) so the birthday didn't do much for me. At least when I cry I can feel something.
Don't think I'm not grateful to the people who celebrated me, though. It's not their fault.
>>29871677
There is no way that you could actually suffer this level of delusion and be cognizant of it. Either way, I have no sympathy for people who dig themselves deeper because of memes and internet influence.
>>29872838
that's wild, when you consume media do you prefer sad stories too? like sad music, tragic movies, etc? or when it comes recreation does it not matter, or do you not even have any interest in that shit at all.
Tfw can't sleep in that position with bf because he'll just want to have sex
>>29873575
I am cognizant of it, hence this thread.
I just started taking inventory of the behaviour I've been engaging here and I think it mostly serves to exacerbate my situation.
>>29873671
>having a significant other
what torture
but for real though here's what I don't understand about that kind of relationship: why can't you just tell yor bf that you want to cuddle with him after sex or whatever? would he reject you if you asked?
I'm 36 and, for the first time since I was a child, I'm not feeling constantly stressed and afraid. It's such a long process that I don't even know where to begin describing it.
The point is to be aware of that process. To be patient with yourself and to make a little bit of progress every day. I don't punish myself for the occasional backslide into pure isolation or feeling utterly alien in some big social gathering.
It's a weird combination of self-discipline and self-love that get you out of the hole. Self-abuse and getting off a little on beating yourself up (>>29871949) do nothing for you. You have to take that as seriously as alcoholism or any other addiction. The SECOND I catch myself wallowing in self-pity or getting that love/hate feeling from calling myself dumb, ugly, worthless, or a loser, I identify that I'm doing it and I stop immediately.
A book called Self-Discipline in 10 Days really solidified a lot of it for me (well-reviewed on Amazon, I downloaded the PDF free from LibGen), but re-evaluating your most deeply held (pathological) beliefs is a complex process with lots of ebbs and flows.
Understand yourself, keep moving forward, and forgive yourself whenever necessary. If you commit to it, you'll make a lot of progress. I wish I realized this stuff when I was younger, but things have to happen when you're ready to change. Maybe your time will be right now reading this post, or maybe you'll pick up the same book a year from now because the title (and hideous clip art cover) are vaguely familiar.
If I've come this far, so can you.
>>29873632
>that's wild, when you consume media do you prefer sad stories too?
Iron Giant makes me cry everytiem.
Most media I consume is just to pass the time or to educate myself on pupular culture, though. You can't do literally nothing all day.
>>29874123
seriously anon I want to thank you so much for typing all that shit
intermittently (usually months apart) I feel sudden bouts of energy and desire to change, but I lose momentum and enthusiasm so quickly it feels so insincere after.
thanks for the book recommendation anon, I haven't heard of it before, will check out.
>>29874123
>The SECOND I catch myself wallowing in self-pity or getting that love/hate feeling from calling myself dumb, ugly, worthless, or a loser, I identify that I'm doing it and I stop immediately.
What should one do instead? Think about nothing?
Do you want to be my bf?
I don't see what the problem is
isn't this literally everybody on /r9k/?
>>29873575
>There is no way that you could actually suffer this level of delusion and be cognizant of it.
Try out weed and tell me that again.
>>29874560
I genuinely don't understand what this is meant to imply
>>29871677
maybe you looked at normies and thought they were disgusting idiots, so you wanted to avoid anything related to them, which could perhaps cause that - like tv.
i don't see a problem with this, but you'll need to find something in common to relate. drinking is good.
>>29874645
I don't know, I looked at the things I hated and why I hated them and too often the answer was "because normies like them"
actually the clinching event was posting in the thread shitting on Pokemon GO after being a fan of pokemon my whole life, saying how retarded the whole thing was.
Then I started to try and think up reasons I actually couldn't enjoy pokemon go, like concrete reasons for me to hate it. I fucking loved pokemon snap for god's sake, but something was just unacceptable about pokemon GO?
There was nothing inherently wrong with it that I could point to, the only barrier between me having one more thing I could enjoy and not having that thing was the fact that normies also liked pokemon go and it felt like an invasion of a thing that I used to consider my territory.
and then I realized that me hating things for that reason actually served to prevent me from ever being able to connect with other people: like I would never be able to hold a casual conversation with someone I call a normy because anything that a normy enjoys I hate almost by definition.
>>29873760
lol this is a late response but I'm scared of rejection from people I love so I try to keep my requests to a minimum
>>29874632
Meme me as hard as you want, he isn't lying. You really do become aware of your own bullshit while high.
>>29871677
stop watching bridget jones faggit, living is 70% misery 20% wondering 10% happiness
you're welcome
S S R I S
S
R
I
S
>>29871677
>those first 3 tfws
holy shit you just described myself in a way I never openly admitted to myself
I don't interpret others approaches in a negative way tho. Not at all my problem is over affection when someone starts talking tl me more I become addicted to that person and see her as my only salvation and also confide a lot of personal stuff right away.
Maybe I am not that far yet
>how do you cope
I became interested in buddhismfew years back and in the last month or so I started to meditate very day and study more buddhist texts and stuff and I can see much better results than I got from medications and weed. I can basically see how I am long termly channging for the better yet with weed and xanax I felt like I am postponing my problems and the sudden relief seemed sort of fake
>>29874560
oh shit
after smoking everyday for 10 months straight I see you're right
>>29877061
I've heard a fuckload of good things about meditation but I don't know how to approach it or get into it and I'm really turned off by the new-agey cure-all attitude that a lot of resources have when I go looking for info
always feels like they're trying to sell me some shit, puts me on the defensive
>new age shit
Totally understand I tried watching some youtube vids by thos hippie guys and it is terrible. Checkr/Buddhismfor starters and I would recommend Zen Compass by Seung Sahn I think and What the Buddha Taught and Zen Mind, Beginner Mind. These books are really great.
But try to ignore those new age faggots for starters it really is a great way to clear you mind and make some order in the mess it is.
>>29878346
ty for the tips anon
>>29878561
You're welcome, they are all buddhist books and not mainly about meditation but they do cover that topic and I would say that it is better to stick to the "source material" for all the new age meditation text books.
>>29872218
I went out with a co worker and his friends became my friends, then I started dating one of thier cousins.
One thing Normies and robots have in common is drinking
Remember what hugs felt like?
>>29871677
find a good male therapist,
you might have to check a few out, but there are good male therapist out there who do get it and will help.
