1/2 I'm not a regular on this board but I wanted to vent a bit on my perspective of life, because I sympathize with almost all of the views I've seen expressed here.
I'm not a loser by any sense of the word. I have a job, a decent car, disposable income and I go to one of the top 10 universities in the US. I lift weights, I'm mentally gifted, I read, I'm laid back, humorous, I have a nice physique etc. What I don't have, and what I haven't had since I was 8 years old is a significant other, I have gone through middle school, high school and the first two years of college without so much as talking to a female. I have had a few friends here and there but I am extremely introverted and almost never initiate anyone in a conversation unless necessary, in contrast I am not shy at all, I don't feel anxiety about talking to people; I simply don't do it, worse than that, I don't know how to do it. I had one friend at my old college that I spoke more than 30 words to, This year it was worse, I didn't make a single friend, I didn't have a single conversation with another human being except one of my professors and of course my parents.
I guess the point that I'm trying to make here is that, success and self improvement are utterly useless if you don't have someone to reflect that success on to. If you get into Harvard med school and nobody is there to congratulate you, then it really doesn't feel like you've accomplished anything. This has all led to extreme depression for me over the last few years, I've lost 20lbs, I hardly eat, I shower 2 or 3 times a week, I stopped staying in touch with family, the only things I do are study, sleep and go for the occasional walk at 2 am. The brain is a very plastic entity so much so, that I am starting to notice the residual effects of this solitude: I don't get that dopamine rush after acing a test, I don't even feel bad after bombing a test, I don't have an urge to masturbate, I don't have phobias that I used to have.
2/2 It's as if all the intricate chemicals that produce human emotion-be it good or bad- have been drain from the wetware that is my brain. It's as if my life has turned into a Phil Collins song and I am losing my sense of reality.
What I want you to take away from this is that we humans are social beings: we are driven by various social queues, stigmas, dogmas and validities. No matter how much success or lack-there-of you have-without companionship and intimacy- you will be stuck in a constant state of dysphoria. Make friends, go to parties, talk to random women on the street, don't become the hollow shell of a person like I have. Leave this place.
PS I know you can draw a lot of parallels between Elliot Rodger's story and my own. But I can assure you, our mental states are miles apart. While I share his feelings of envy, jealousy, and unfairness of the world, I wish no ill-will on anyone, I don't even blame the unfairness of the world on anyone. Nor am I suicidal, I don't feel an urge to die, yet at the same time I am indifferent to life itself, I do not value my own. It is also evident that Elliot would have done anything for female companionship while I feel unworthy of it; so much so, that if a female tried to get friendly or intimate with me I would most likely reject her, feeling she would be better of elsewhere while I suffer in solitude. It's also pretty evident that Elliot was unhappy with his place in society while I feel I deserve it, I you could say that I'm a masochist and Elliot wasn't. Plz no supreme gentleman jokes
Sup OP, sounds like you have a lot on your mind. Have you tried going out to the pub or club and drink till you drop? I met a lot of friends that way (REALLY stupid way of getting friends).
kinda relate to this feel, i can speak to people and shit but most of my relation is superficial. there is no deepness i can talk can make some jokes and talk about something but i never get any deeper friendship. most of the time i am not invited to most things, and i also cannot find a significant other.
i am also on uni and my motivation is low, only do the classes i like the rest is a big burden for me.
i am not fit and i do not have a job but i really do not need the job since i am studying.
i really do not feel much.
>>29798450
I don't know how to socialize, I would probably stand around for 30 minutes then just leave, plus I'm only 20
>>29798549
I've literally never been invited to anything
>>29798555
I can relate to your situation except I invested time in observing the behaviour of the ones around me. You'll probabely end doing the same thing if you are enough self aware. Started doing this for almost two years but I constantly get depressed since I see so similar patterns in all humans and when I'm not going to school I spend enough time at home that when I meet other people besides my parents is a strange feeling but it goes away quickly. I messed up my already sensible sleep schedule and now it's 3:52 AM and in ~5 hours I have my finals (I think this is the equvalent for americans).
I used to hit the gym but I don;t really careabout anything. Since I'm finishing the highschool I'm moving to some city since I don't have a university in my town. I will have to stay and cohabit with other people and I know I will simply do this becouse I have the mental atitude for this. I can't say I have a mental training for this but I administred myself society like a vaccine. I also managed to be with a couple of girls in the last year. Until I was 17 was a kissless virgin. Now I'm 18 and I understood that I just lacked real interest in it. Still it is a nice feeling to have a girl in your company. Nothing presents real interest for me. But I'm not suicidal. Just that I lose interest in anything in a matter of weeks. The only thing I do for more then 5 years is playing guitar. I was good at programming at a competitive level and I'm going to an IT univeristy since it's the easiest for me and I'm pressured to go to one but I lost the interest for it in 2 years even though I thought I would remain interested in it. I think it's genetical. My father doesn't seem to care about lots of things and does it artificially. I strongly believe it's about the ratio of dopamine secretion and the level my brain needs.
>>29799138
The only positive of my situation is that I'm not kissless
I can't find a thread and I need to tell someone so i'll vent here too.
>I stopped staying in touch with family
I've done this for the past few months, zero contact, not reading any of their messages etc. There are lots of psychological reasons as to why I did this but the point is that I was woken up by the police today. My family (dad I guess) got into contact with them to check up on me, the police literally forced me to contact my family infront of them and my flatmate. Apparently my dads dad died and I wasn't there, I had nothing to do with my grandad my whole life but still, reality hit hard today, friends.
>>29799705
It's ok, anon. It's ok.
>>29799705
That's sucks. I just talk to them because I have nothing to say, they ask me what I've doing, I say "nothing", they ask me if I've made any friends, I say "no". They don't even bother to ask if I've meet any girls
>tfw your parents know you're a virgin
>>29799954
imagine being a parent and knowing your child is a genetic dead end
Your not a Chad or a normie even though you've achieved success financially and have done well in your life. This really just shows that no matter how rich you always be a beta and you'll always be alone. It's sad and hard to read your post OP because it makes my case seem even more hopeless. There is no advice I can give you, all you have is my pity and feels
>>29800093
Thank you for the feels anon
>>29799985
Imagine being a parent and knowing that despite all the effort you put in to love and care for your child and give them the best chance at life you still failed and they wish they were dead everyday.
>>29800493
Pretty much sums it all up
