Who feels suicidal?
Everyday, very borderline thoughts. Every single night when I sleep, I'm reminded of how an absolute useless fuck I am, it seriously depresses me and makes me want to kill myself
I know everyone laughs at me, everyone secretly judges me.
But at the end of the day I guess I really just want to move away from society, go off the grid, just get away from people.
the only thing keeping me going is a specific sexual fantasy what the fuck Kmn
In my worst times I feel homicidal, whenever I have a problem I always blame it on someone else even if it's obviously my fault, all my negative emotions always go outward.
>>29690722
LOL that's actually kind of cool
>>29690732
NOT GOOD BRO
I'd kill myself before I hurt anyone...
>>29690712
Borderline like the personality disorder?
You sound like me, except for the laughing bit.
>>29690662
everyday the past 4 years, give or take since time has been a blur
>>29690732
Yeah that's not good but for another reason. Anger that deep hurts you too, especially if you can't remember or don't want to think about why, and if you don't have any trauma or past hurt to make you angry, maybe you have something screwed up with your brain chemistry. I'm just saying though... you could have PTSD
>>29690812
Nah, more like very shallow suicidal thoughts. Something like, I could just run to the kitchen, grab a knife and stab myself, or I could just jump off the window now.
But of course I would never dare do it, it's a very impulsive thought. Sometimes the stress of being bad at life and losing everything just kicks in, and I have those thoughts.
When you are a bad at everything person, people laugh at you. Even if they don't, they pity you. Or they lower their standards when it comes to the work you produce. You pull people down. You become a handicap.
Its not just feel, i'm probably going to do it in the fall when i cant get into any other uni bc of low grades even tho i had decent exam scores
>tfw i fail classes bc i dont do the asinine projects that are designed to give morons A's even tho they have no intellectual/academic value
>>29690662
Life is hard, get used to it
Suicide is not an option
If you want to commit suicide, just travel around the world without food, you'll die eventually if you will not be careful, but you've wanted to die, so what's the problem
>>29690897
If they are saying that stuff about you or thinking it, then they don't matter anyway. Fuck 'em.
Every day, with varying degrees of seriousness. I sometimes just want to die but at other times would merely be okay with happening to die. It's become somewhat of a joke to me, since suicide is such a serious topic to normies.
>>29690906
Btw 85 credits in, transferred to new uni for junior year, so new grade slate, under 2.0 gpa, got kicked out
>no1 knows yet and still think i start senior year in the fall
>>29690746
is it though? the fantasy is literally impossible I wish I would just die already. have they put up that retarded net on the Golden Gate Bridge yet because I hope they havent
>>29691010
You have literally nothing else to live for? Not even furry kittens and rain?
>>29690939
I wish it was that easy. But I suck at pretty much everything so everyone is going to have a shitty impression of me. It would probably pull me down badly once I find a job.
>>29691040
no and the worst part is I probably won't even kill myself for some other stupid impossible reason
>>29691087
God, maybe antidepressants are in order? Cause if you are incapable of enjoying anything, then that sounds like clinical depression to me
Pretty much every day for the past 12 years minus a couple good periods. I'm moderately successful I guess and have hobbies but I just want out.
Yeah, I'm already depressed but I can also feel myself going insane
>>29691118
yeah I've been clinically depressed since I was like nine (diagnosed) I've been on tons of meds. I'm at a stage where id be better off dead than trying to get better
>>29691057
Yeah, but if you found one thing you actually enjoyed doing, you could focus your energies on getting really good at it. Besides work, however, is there really any reason to care about how much you suck or don't suck at things? Isn't enjoying things more important than "GIVING YOUR BODY AND SOUL TO THE GLORY OF THE WORKFORCE AND YOUR COMPANIONS"
>>29690844
I've thought about it and I figure it's because my parents were never affectionate with me, I never bonded with them or anyone else in any way, so other people are just possible threats to me and harming them doesn't cause me any distress.
If I was exposed to even normal levels of violence at a young age I'd most likely be in prison by now, but my parents just sort of ignored me rather an abused me.
>>29691168
I sure wish I knew a definite cure. I'm chronically depressed and am taking st. john's wort extract, CBD oil and Harlequin weed, which is starting to work. But the problem lies in not knowing what causes depression, hurr durr, I hate doctors.
>>29691170
I could do that, I spend years playing music, I'm decent at it but not too good. I'm very sure the same person who have played the same duration as me is far better than me.
Perhaps I'm a very slow learner. I need a lot more effort compared to the others.
>>29691193
To be honest dude, it is good to mistrust. I had the opposite and became fairly gullible. I've been molested, abused, and in a couple of abusive relationships because my parents were such good people they didn't really know the dark side of life. If you do run into a person you let your guard down around, watch out for the tendency to think they're "not like the others." Give it a few years of knowing a person and their level of loyalty to you before you give them any trust.
>>29691168
Not him but I am also a very angry person. It's the root of everything that's ever been wrong with my life, I just know it. For me it's just being born with a defective brain. I don't know what to do with myself anymore, I will commit suicide by the end of the year if nothing changes
>>29691260
I'm a musician too. The struggle is real, I've been searching for bandmates for 5 years. Fucking hipsters. I don't think comparing your playing to others is going to help you any; besides, every serious musician ever practices a ton just for the hell of it. It's all about playing the music for yourself and just for yourself. What do you play anon?
>>29690662
was hospitalized for suicidal ideation in september 2015
slightly better now
>>29691393
I play the guitar and piano. Mainly entry level jazz, post-rock and some ambient. A bit of shred too I guess.
I'm too introverted for a band, and most people here just play the same god damn coldplay styled pop. It's seriously shite.
>>29691339
I am sure there is a medicine out there that would help you. Off the top of my head peppermint and dandelion are indicated from Chinese medicine for anger. There's also this stuff called Xiao Yao Wan. The Chinese texts say that imbalances in the Liver meridian system cause anger, and I have known TCM to be pretty damned helpful sometimes
>>29691304
The fucked up thing is I seem better off than most people since most relationships seem quite dishonest and exploitative.
Speaking of, if your parents are such good people, why didn't they notice that you were being molested and abused? Are you sure you're not thinking they're not like the others?
>>29691457
That's pretty cool dude! Electric guitar or acoustic? What do you mean by post-rock and ambient? Do you liek Aphex Twin? (not his new stuff, eeeurgh)
>>29691483
They aren't from this country, and my mother was going through chemo at the time.
>>29691506
Electric guitar. Post-rock as in.. explosions in the sky? Mogwai? This will destroy you? That kinda stuff.
Not exactly a fan of Aphex sorry. Though I have a couple of songs from him in my library.
I'm actually working on an ambient EP but I'm too apathetic to continue.
Suicide is kind of always in the back of my mind. Occasionally I have these bouts of intense distress where my very existence hurts to the point of feeling physically sick, and literally all I want is to drop dead.
>>29691524
Seems like the kind of things that would bring around a change in behavior that would be easy to notice in your child. Do they know now?
>>29691545
You have good taste. Out of curiosity which Aphex songs do you have? Why apathetic? It's a little strange that for something you're so passionate about you'd be so... dispassionate
>>29691573
Yeah. I actually had amnesia about the molestation for about 17 years, so I think I didn't realize it at the time.
>>29691677
Because it isn't turning out the way I want it to be. I would have to go back to the drawing board. And I'm not sure if ambient is the way for me to go, I'm not really a fan of sitting in from of a DAW and tweaking thousands of button. I prefer to hit record and play. But then again, I have no band to do that kind of stuff..
And I'm creatively drained at the moment, everything that comes out of me lately is thrash.
>>29691745
Yeah me too. I've resorted to practicing covers to keep up my skills. I'm really fucking sick of trying to compose my own stuff on guitar when I'm a bassist/vocalist. Can't exactly pluck a melody on the bass now can we. I need a drummer. I need a band!!!
>>29691821
I have resorted to playing to backing tracks and recording them, occasionally I post them to /gg/ for fun.
>>29691834
You're kind of lucky as a guitarist though. The instrument is made for solos.
>>29691834
Beware the people who'd call themselves your bandmates though. Never met a bigger bunch of traitors and flakes in my life. I'm starting to think the only way to go is to Pro Tools it.
>>29691855
Yeah man. I nearly wanted to pick up the base before guitar, but I figured I wouldn't have anyone to jam with. Feels good shredding through backing tracks sometimes.
You could try bass-less backing tracks, and come up with basslines.
>>29691880
Nah, backing tracks aren't my style. My goal is to create a new genre.
>>29691910
What kind of genre are we talking about?
>>29691880
What scares me the most is how few musicians these days are interested in making anything original. I can't give up on finding bandmates because of what I'm trying to do but don't know where to look for em
>>29691947
Picture combining this https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yDier9_YKXA with this https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=de-xO3pUEd0 and this https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZWbj64Rwfvc and maybe some of this https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iCFIvayo8KI or some of this https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U52nnry9Xyc and whatever the hell else I feel like. I have a lot of influences, but usually bass-heavy, rhythm-heavy stuff and a big dose of "magic"
>>29692033
Im sorry anon but I'm on my phone and I can't load those links..
>>29692182
Sorry. Uh, first one's some traditional voodoo drumming, there's Megadeth, old Dead or Alive, Alice Cooper, and Switchblade Symphony. My intention is to make music that will get you high. I want to combine breakbeat, heavy metal, synth disco, and hard rock into something you'll break your teeth on when you try to chew it.
>>29692182
But like, I'm not averse to just making pretty stuff once in a while. I've been forcing guitar down my own throat for that reason. Ick!
>>29692230
So.. something like those JRPG boss battle BGM?
>>29692269
Pretty damned accurate bro. Except not as annoying and good to fuck to.
>>29692269
I've kind of had this dream for a while of being able to make stuff as intricately composed as trance/techno/video game music, but played by real instruments, live. Like how Megadeth remade the Duke Nukem theme. What about you? What kind of style are you doing?
>>29692421
Why not I just show you.. this one is track no 1 done for my stated EP.
https://clyp.it/motx5i0a
>>29692439
Dude I actually like this. It's really soothing and somehow natural.
Yeah. But im scared I'll fail and end up more fucked up than i already am
>>29692556
Thank you, I'm working on the third track, but like I said im kinda apathetic at the moment, I fear it's not going to turn out the way I want it to be.
>>29692791
Yeah I get that. But why worry? It's music, not defusing a bomb. All it has to do is please you, and if it doesn't, chuck it out and try it again, or modify. It doesn't have to be perfect, just something you like.
>>29692791
And the whole point is to have fun anyway, doesn't the entire philosophy of every musician boil down to "Fuck it" ?
>>29692863
>>29692908
.I guess so.. I'm a bit scared of failure. Makes me feel like worse of a loser than I already am.
I might end it at the end of august. I live in an apartment so I might try jumping and landing on my head but I'm kind of scared that it will just make me retarded. I tried jumping a couple years ago but only broke my leg and chipped my spine.
I really just don't get why I should be expected to do shit I am mentally unable to. Why the fuck can't life just be what I imagine in my daydreams, why does it have to be so shit and meaningless.
I wish I had a gun.
/blog
Me, why? What do you want?
>>29692931
Me too. Except I just now realized that the greater failure on both of our parts would be to not do anything at all, even if we end up making absolute crap, it's better than nothing and at least practice
>>29690712
Sounds like Peter Pan syndrome. Just so you know it only gets worse when you do finally move away and realize everywhere else is exactly the same.
>>29692931
And uh, case you haven't noticed, you made an original, good work of music. That's not very loserly.
>>29690662
Not anymore. I decided that as long as there's a single person in this world who knows I exist I will not kill myself
Every day. Probably would've done it by now if I wasn't in debt to my parents. Once that's paid off so I'm not a burden to them anymore I'm thinking I'll do it. Every day I walk to the edge of a giant cliff and try to imagine myself jumping, if I could do it, if the fall would kill me. Every day I sit there, smoke a cigarette and hope the fragile cliff face gives way and sends me down into the ocean with it.
>>29693088
Any particular reason anon?
>>29693011
I guess that is a healthier mindset. I hope I had that mindset. Maybe I'm setting myself too high a standard..
>>29693231
We're musicians. It's not an easy life.
>>29693195
I couldn't really pinpoint one thing. Just life, finally did some travelling and learned going overseas doesn't magically change everything and make you a better person. Thought I'd be happy again once I got home and got nice and high. But that's just not doing it for me anymore I guess. I probably just need to get laid. But im under no illusions of that happening anytime soon.
>>29693253
Yes. It's not easy. Really sucks though. I wish I was good.
>>29693397
When I started singing it was damned awful. It took me 4-5 years of practicing almost daily to get it passable. It really just boils down to persistence
>>29693351
How are your relationships with other people? My own problem is being lonely and isolated. I'll talk, or just read, if you want.
>>29693430
I have been playing guitar daily for 4-5 years too, unfortunately I didn't progressed as fast as I thought I would.
>>29693461
Yeah alright I guess, hearing others out definitely helps make me seem less self-involved. Got a good group of friends, but were all pretty introverted and don't make much effort to see each other. So I do end up spending 90% of my time alone. Then the rest either seeing them or talking with them online.
>>29693566
Keep grinding at it.
>>29693717
Well, I'm not sure I can really articulate my problems... I have trouble connecting with people I think. I have some friends but I don't feel like I really have emotional support, and scare people off if I'm too demanding. Other people don't have similar needs and I can't reciprocate which doesn't help.
I saw this thread and thought about posting but saw by that point it was mostly two people going back and forth and not much new activity, so I figured nobody would read it anyway. But then I saw your post at the end and thought perfect timing! This low grade anxiety feeling in my chest off and on for the last few days seems to have been helped as soon as I replied. I think I was in need of an interaction where I put a hand out and someone actually takes it instead of being closed or suspicious.
blog etc
>>29693754
I will... I WILL.
I want to jump in front of a train, I think I will this fall. I have to wait until it starts getting dark early, so that I don't have to worry about a whole bunch of people seeing. Not that it really matters, because I'll be dead.
I'm really, really afraid though.
>>29693921
Please don't do that. I don't think you should an hero at all and it's clear you care about others, but if you're going to, train is not a good way if you don't want to hurt random people. Think of the engineers driving the train, or passengers on board if it's a passenger train.
>>29690732
Exactly the same with me, fuck. Thoughts of going on a killing spree are not something I desire, but I still have them 5 times a week.
>>29694086
>think of muh feelings of random strangers
Random strangers slowly contributed to get him at this point. Fuck off.
I say I am but I'm not really, there's no way I could do it now
When I get it all out I don't think about it as much
I really just don't know what to make of all of this
I get the "intrusive thoughts" pretty much 24/7, they come out like brutish grunts that I sometimes accidentally allow to spill out
>>29690662
I don't get why people are against suicide.
If:
>Everything sucks
>You suck at everything
>You feel that everything is a waste of time
>You don't feel emotions
>You tried everything to get better and it didn't work
>You suffer from chronic mental problems
No one should blame you for considering suicide.
They say that by suicide you just pass your pain to other people that care about you,
but that means I should live with the pain just for the sole reason of not passing it on to others?
