>be me, opportunistic young aspiring entrepreneur who sets high goals and is very persistent
>recently invited to invest in an exciting new business opportunity selling weight-loss shakes based on some kind of amazonian kelp
>just need to find some start-up capital
>lounging on the beach, see a guy park his high-end bicycle at a nearby bike-rack
>jackpot
>he walks away, I make my move
>saunter up to the rack, cool as a cucumber
>discretely pull my wirecutters from my pocket
>attempt to cut the chain, but it's a bit tougher than I expected
>try using both hands
>not even a scratch in the rustcoating
>really give it my all, even grunting a bit
>this is like, some nano-carbon space-age rustproofing or something
>my hands are all sweaty and shaking because this is taking way too long and I'm getting nervous
>fuck this
>self-consciously stroll away and then break into a jog when I get around a corner
>manage to a secure an entry-level position delivering the local newspaper
>within two weeks, I rapidly become the fastest newspaper carrier on my team, because i'm not a 70 year-old pothead
>even pick up a second route
>bonus time is coming up soon
>my team leader is an older lady, not attractive but definitely not the ugliest 40 year old I've ever met
>corner her one day, get her to agree to go to breakfast with me (it's like dinner for us)
>at burger king explain to her that I've cut delivery time in half and reduced missed papers entirely on my routes, and I could be making seven cents more per paper with the competitor
>she thanks me for my service
>lean forward, eyebrows raised
>ask how she intends to pay me back
>she offers me a raise
>stare her down
>"You've already given me the raise. Now I want you to finish the job"
>she kind of blushes and strokes my forearm
>i look down and away, and pull back my arm
>I've never been with a woman before
>suddenly get silent, lost my appetite due to nerves
>after she finishes eating, I shrilly give her some kind of excuse about a forgotten appointment and bolt out the door
>smirk to my self all the way home
>had her in the palm of my hand
>>29666145
>>29665756
KEK these are hilarious plus it was a 9.5/10 movie
I got the ball rolling so now you assholes post your own.
I can't fully enjoy the humor in these if I have to write them all myself.
