>Mass killing doesnt sound too bad anymore and I could see myself doing it visually
>Hating everyone I see in public, personally counting every couple that is by me at any given time and think its fate doing this on purpose
>No friends but the ones in my head, imagine a better version of me looking down in shame at what I have become
Honestly I know im not well in the head anymore but I just want to know if im not the only one here feeling this pain.
>>29556909
I see no purpose in a mass shooting. I just don't feel as though that would solve anything. I have no motivation for it.
People in public can sense that I am a hurt, troubled person. I get looks of pity and fake-concern from women, and a few have asked me if I am alright. I am too far gone to ever go back at this point.
i go to a 30 year old female therapist regularly, she tries to tell me i'm not ugly and i want to believe her but i can't
>>29556909
only been browsing this shithole for half a year and it's completely changed me, I've come to like mass shooters and if I was wronged could see myself doing it
>>29556909
actually funny youtuber
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3DbeoV5ANNI
>>29556909
I have way too many mental issues to deal with people anymore. Are female therapists really bad? Within 50 miles of me there are only female therapists and I don't think its a good idea talking to one.
>>29557211
I had one for a year. She was nice and did help on some ways. YMMV though, I think the problem I had just couldn't be solved by therapy no matter how much she tried. I was discharged after a while of pretending to get better so I wouldn't hurt her feelings.
>>29557271
i argue with my therapist, it's great
>>29557211
Honestly every time I step out my house and see a girl I will never get or a guy looking better than me or whenever I read the news and how the world is changing for better or worse and how easy many people have it. I just get so enraged, so angry that when I was a sane person and believing the optimism lies my parents and family gave me that i always failed.
Then after years of trying and pretending to be others mentally and physically i lost who I was and just went bonkers.
>Spend 90% of my time off of work browsing a forum designed specifically to make you feel like shit about your appearance and "redpill" you by autistically comparing your measurements to those of male models.
I mean I don't think I'm going to end up killing anyone but myself, but I think I'm far enough gone that I could never be in any kind of healthy relationship with another human.
>>29557315
i know exactly how you feel
i will probably end up seeing an escort
I used to have super paranoia, almost hallucinations, anxiety and panic attacks, etc. Now I'm just tired and feel like an alcoholic all the time even though I don't drink. I guess I've accepted my fate as a permanent loser.
I'm getting way too apathetic I just don't give a shit anymore I live like a parasite because i'm too lazy to find a job.
I want to change man but every time I wake up. I feel like doing nothing no "what are we gonna do today?" pops up in my head.
I'm considering just packing my clothes and becoming homeless so I can stop being a parasite and get forgotten in some alleyway.
>stayed up all night googling people I knew and began crying about how much better they are doing than me
>that crying led to laughter of how much of a fuck up I am and how I hated everyone who has wronged/betrayed me
I never want to go back to that place. I encourage all of you to find a hobby and focus your energy into something positive. Reflect on your past actions and seek to improve your flaws. Remember we are all human, we go through the same problems and life struggles.
>>29556940
Where the actual fuck do you live that people care that much about other people?
Even having someone ask if I was okay once would make my day. No, it would make my fucking year. For the first time, I would feel like, "Hey, maybe the world ISN'T completely populated by sociopaths! Maybe you were paranoid for nothing! People do care about others!"
>doing blood festivals aka self harm
>sleeping 12-16h day
>druggie friends asking me what drug im on
>im sober
>general depression
The only thing that saves me from jerking off to gore and mass killings is my moral system. I used to be a white knight. Now im a completely cynical fuck but some base is still left here. I dont want to hurt people untill im enraged
But my lowest point was pedophilia and actual fucking halucinations. During this time I could go completely schizo but thankfully was detached from reality for most of the time so I was just functioning like a zombie.
I wish you the best anon, do not give up.
>>29557572
I live in the capital of Cucknada. People only ask me how I'm doing because, much to the chagrin of the faggots on this board, I'm not fat or ugly. I don't have the typical robot look that people picture in their minds. And it's unfair, because I am expected to uphold this false persona just because I look a certain way.
>>29556909
Ive just went full outcast mode, i hate everyone and cabt connect with anyone but i also see the world is sick. I thibk kindness is the way to help the world so i strive to be considerate and i lride myself on my conpassion and care for others even though i despise them
But at the same time i loved it when that towelhead got the new high score, even though i condemn the action, i love seeing the normies get what they deserve
Basically im just a big walking oxymoron i cried when i found out my neighbor rounded up the new batch of kittens that the strays had cuz i imagined them losing their family, i cried joyfully when lebron started crying after winning the finals but i had a devious smile when pulse happened
>Keep having recurring dreams about the house my family and I used to live in
>Keep seeing movement in the corner of my eyes
>Deciding whether or not I should commit suicide one day as opposed to dying of old age
I wouldnt want to shoot up a school if normalshits werent so fucking terrible. Its not a matter of being jealous and envious of them, its just that normalshits are just terrible ass people. All of them, no exceptions. Its like its genetic to be a shitty fucking person to people who dont look the same as everyone else.
What makes normies so bad? I cant even live my life without them bothering me. Watching normies interact with other normies makes me think theyre plotting something to some ugly person for being ugly
Yes OP, with every passing day I would happily shoot up a school. It wouldnt accomplish anything, society just doesnt accept that schools are all flawed from the ground up.
>>29556909
It's OK man I didn't go to prom either it's not a big deal
>>29559782
but did you go to your high school graduation dinner?
i was the only person aside from a couple of other autists who didn't.
>live in a small efficiency room alone
>have a job where i rarely ever have to interact with people
>all friends have moved out of city
>gradually losing the ability to functionally have conversations
>used to be fine socially back in high school/college (before i dropped out)
>severe derealization at random fairly frequently
>developing anxiety and insomnia
>diagnosed MDD
It's pretty bad, I don't really feel like a real person anymore. I'm just living to not die honestly.
>>29556909
ITT victims of kikes
>I've been mentally and (sometimes to myself) verbally putting myself down for the past 5 years now due to the ridiculous amount of embarrassment I've been through throughout my entire life (turning 20 next week btw), probably to the point of irreversible depression
>have been telling myself that I deserve to kill myself almost everyday for the past 2 or so years now, due to constantly reminiscing on my past embarrassments (so many that this thread would go over the post limit if I even mentioned half of my unbelievably stupid mistakes)
>I constantly wait each and every day, hoping I somehow get rapidly killed in the middle of a random mass shooting
ain't life great guys?
>>29556909
>Jerk off to snuff porn and fantasize about killing my family.
I guess I'm pretty fucked up but not the most.no fbi i'm not actually going to kill my family, fuck off.
>>29559798
I envy you. Graduation was shit and I didn't want to go, but I was forced.
>somehow arrived at the conclusion that human death is a good thing and we shouldn't do anything to try and stop it (health care, gun control etc)
I just want to live in isolation, somewhere in the mountains, maybe a dog. Internet, alcohol, guns, maybe a dog, and occasionally I would go into town for groceries. Like Bob Lee Swagger from the first part of Shooter.
>>29560005
At least you don't have a cluster A disorder to top it off.
My average day goes as follows
>wake up
>take meds
>get on my computer and play games or go on /r9k/
>eventually eat something around five
>after that, start smoking weed, stay on the computer
>take all my sedatives and knock myself out while watching TV on Netflix
That's my average day.
I'm pretty far gone.
>>29557572
Anon, that is an automatic question whose purpose is more or less to start conversations... They never mean it when they ask how you are doing it, I fail to see how that would make your world brighter.
>>29559942
>all friends have moved out of city
holy shit sorry to hear, i gave up friendships because of that ;_;7
>>29560419
The most significant thing in your list, having to do with mental derangement, is "take meds." I'm not saying you aren't mentally deranged or that your lifestyle isn't a result of such, but everything else you listed could be considered typical of someone who is simply apathetic, lazy or even down-right normal.
>>29556909
nice b8 fbi
>feel alone constantly, even when im not
>sometimes feel a random urge to cry anywhere
>scared of the random suicidal thoughts.
>can't smile or look at myself in a mirror
>numb to the feeling of people dying
>no appetite
>feel like a weak skeleton that could drop dead suddenly
>constantly reminded of the only two girlfriends i ever had and that they both cheated
>distrust any girl now
>feel even more alone because of it
>zero confidence
>zero motivation
>scared of drugs killing me one day
>haven't slept for about 50 hours and mentally exhausted
When i was younger i felt like my parents could solve any problem and i felt safe. I now feel like i have nowhere or no one to go to and all i feel is a void slowly sucking me in as my life crumbles underneath me.
I sometimes still wish i was a kid and think about all the good times i had. Good times I'll never be able to get back or relive.
I often fantasise about some sort of device to send me back in time to when i was seven years old without worries.
>>29559798
Wthe shut is a hs graduation dinner? Anyway it's a no. Even in the gym before walking out to go sit down in our seats I was literally the only kid sitting down alone and I tried talking to people I just got shoved out of the crowd anyway and said fuck it and sat down by myself
>>29562413
i live in new zealand, we have these fuckin graduation dinner things which are pretty much compulsory
exceptions can be made if your a fucking no hoper like me i guess
>>29557572
Columbus here
People do the same to me. I hate when they know I hurt. I do everything I can to not show it but they still pick me out of a crowd.
Fucking coincidence I say
>>29556976
therapists are paid to tell you what you want to hear
if they called you out on your bullshit you'd stop visiting them and they'd lose money
>>29562473
>therapists are paid to tell you what you want to hear
obviously not true, because i want to hear the truth from her
she tells me i'm 'nice looking' and 'not remotely ugly'. She's also an ex-stacey
>>29556909
Brah do mass stabing and try to be original. Well i dont want gun rights to be using this as a reason to ban guns so do some poison blowdart shit or get creative
And with every dart have a message that this is what happens when you otracise people into being "betas" be sure to mention on a very small note "beta uprising"
>>29556909
>I'm bad
>I'm ugly
>I don't deserve anyones love
>any time I do anything it not selfish, it must be for bad reasons aka I'm evil
>there is no reason to do anything in the real world because no matter what you do there will be people who do it better and you and everyone you ever loved will die anyway
>good things only happen in animes and cartoons
>people who accept responsibiliies but still making mistakes (especially in their job) should die painfully
>romantic media is a big fat lie, it is worse than porn beacuse porn is obviously fake while romantic movies and literature makes it believeable that you eventually met a woman who falls love with you forever
>I completly understand terrorists because the only way to make normies care about your opinion is to kill them
I could go on but nobody will read this so...
If I could go back in time, I'd shoot up my highschool in a fucking heartbeat
>>29556909
I am glad I have no guns, because I wouldn't trust myself with them.
>>29562622
I read all your posts. Sometimes there's just nothing left to be said. I'm watching, waiting anon.
>>29556909
I want to eat.
>>29562622
So why are you still here? Doesn't sound as if you have much of a bond to this existence.
>trying to get a job
>just smoked weed
i'm pathetic holy shit
>friend gets GF/wife
>they have a kid
>never see or hear from the friend ever again
>contact them: "too busy, my wife is trying to kill me, kid is pooping, no time, i wanna kill myself because i can't handle this, moving back home because that's best for the kids etc, etc"
it wasn't me who changed, it was them. i just never adapted in time. when all that was going down, i was depressed and became a shut-in because i had just been to 3 funerals in 2 years, all 3 friends from middle school.
I feel like I'm losing it man I feel chained up I fucking hate this shit I have lived my whole life in one room I am so alone
I'm just beyond it all you know there's no coming back and it hurts me in waves and i'm in the deep of it now ............
>>29560005
Post stories, ive been browsing for the last 3 hours, i need something fresh.
Save me
>>29562706
suicides, f*m?
>homicidal and suicidal thoughts constantly
>can't and don't want to relate/empathize with people anymore
>feels like I'm not even human anymore just something observing them
>laugh spotananeously at just random thoughts in my head
>have full vocal conversations with thoughts in my head
I'm so far down the rabbit hole its a game to me now. Now I'm just seeing how far I can go before I die.
>suicidal ideation since before I was 7
>sudden impulses to kill or mutilate myself out of nowhere
>first real emotion I became aware of was a deep sense of nostalgic loss, sadness, and longing
>have nightmares pretty much every time I dream
>nightmares, since toddlerhood, have often involved being a passenger in or the driver of a car that's out of control or trying to do something impossible (like crossing a wildly twisting or inverting bridge over a deep chasm or an ocean) and dying in a resulting fall; pretty sure ths symbolism in that is obvious and heavy
>self-harm scars on my hands and forearms from self-mutilation with fire
>pretty sure that prying out my toenails is also a form of self-mutilation and that they're ingrown because I pry them out and not the reverse
>been doing the toenail thing since I was a toddler
>occasional flashbacks to being abused and beaten
>such bad night terrors and anxiety/paranoia that I used to stay up all night and stand guard in one place; would stay up for days upon days (3 in a row wasn't even hard), until I was hallucinating, without the use of stimulants or drugs, when I was eleven, and sleep for like 1-3 hours on the nights when I did sleep
>pretty much constantly depressed; the best balance I can achieve is a state of constant sadness/blueness/wist/grief/nostalgia with bits of laughter and meaning interspersed throughout each day
>actual PTSD from constant, back-to-back trauma and abuse, not "ohmigod i got so triggered" "ptsd"
>pretty much incapable of crying from having it beaten out of me
>symptoms of OCD
>pretty much constantly at DEFCON II from a combination of factors
>dissociative/hallucinogen-like hallucinations since I was a little kid, without needing drugs (morphing, patterns, Alice In Wonderland Syndrome, etc.)
>Sensory Processing Disorder and being a multiple-synesthete don't help with the overstimulation or the constant head turmoil
Haven't told anyone. Don't want to see a shrink. Excelling in life.
>>29562944
here.
Same on these:
>laugh spotananeously at just random thoughts in my head
>have full vocal conversations with thoughts in my head
Not sure either of them are actually crazy.
I am in my insanity chrysalis
One day I am going to be beautiful and terrible
>>29562984
Like a psychotic butterfly?
