Hey /r9k/
It's been a while since I last posted here- or even visited this particular board. It was back when JLH first started posting, which seems like an eternity ago.
As I'm sure you can probably tell, ny name is Tim. I'm 21 years old, self employed and studying history at uni. I don't think I'm going to live much longer, so I decided to share my story with the board I used to love. Most of you, if not all of you probably won't take much interest in thus thread, but that's fine. I just didn't want to disappear knowing that no one ever really knew me.
>>29341647
Go on now
>>29341647
jlh wouldn't want you to
I've never really felt like I fit in or belong, ever. I wasn't disabled or ugly or anything severe like that, although I've been mentally unwell since primary school.
You see, I suffer from a disorder called derealisation disorder. It makes life seem unreal, whilst also disconnecting me from my surroundings- like I'm watching life on a screen. Alongside this, I also suffer from depression and have recently started hallucinating.
>>29341682
JLH is long gone, from what I can tell. Not that I would care about her(?) opinion.
In truth my mental health is the result of trauma. Sustained trauma over years. For this reason, I've always felt as though the rug was very much pulled from under me long ago.
The first trauma came when I was younger, from my mother.
I was physically abused, as well as neglected by her, practically from birth. This lasted until I was a toddler, just before I was due to start pre school.
It ended after my father discovered her behavior (he had founded his business at this time, so worked long hours). They separated and he too her to court in order to gain custody. It was a tough legal battle, with everyone taking her side, however as the truth was uncovered, her case collapsed and my father gained full custody of my twin and I.
I want to kill myself too Tim. I hope we find peace.
I was quiet when I started school. I remember my pre school and reception (what us Brits call first year infant classes) teachers often stated that I seemed 'vacant' in class. Not slow or stupid, simply as though I wasn't present. This would be the case throughout primary school. Because of this, I made no friends early on. This would lead to me becoming an easy target for bullies. This bullying and early isolation was the second round of trauma.
Next came my first 'stepmother' (never married, but cohabitated for years).
>>29341765
I hope so too, my friend. I also hope that you're treatable.
Her name was Tina. She was a very cruel lady, mainly on account of her slight alcohol dependency.
She very rarely laid a hand on me, however she would insult me and deride everything I did, numerous times a day, for years.
She also used to threaten to kill me in my sleep, very often. She would also threaten me not to tell anyone what she had said/done. When I eventually did so, after years, no one believed me initially. She was caught after some time though, although it was forgiven by others. Her behavior remained unchanged and unchecked for a few years after this, until she proved to be too much hassle for the household and my father kicked her out. She took my younger brother with her, although I still saw him bimonthly.
By now I was in my first year of secondary school, around 12 years old. This is when the next trauma began.
The bullies from primary school obviously attended this school as well, however this larger, not particularly nice school became home to far worse people. I would be burnt, beaten, drowned, have bones broken etcetera here.
This experience was far worse than anything before it. It was almost certainly these early years of secondary school that caused the development of my anti-social personality disorder (aspd). The year that I changed schools, as things were simply dire, that my life took a turning point. I was now 14 and became cold, but not malevolent. This came later.
>>29341684
>derealization, depression, hallucinations
you might have schizophrenia or something. That shit can be delt with you know
It was at this age that I started enjoying seeing people and animals hurt. I would not cause the pain, but I took quiet satisfaction and fascination through observing it. This would lead me to discovering 4chan. Obviously, being the child I was, I was instantly drawn to /b/.
This 'discovery', as well as further bullying, turned me malevolent. I would now begin to torture animals and had begun to learn how to manipulate people. First for gain, then later for gratification. Alongside this, I began to show psychopathic traits whilst also having psychotic episodes.
>>29341951
The hallucinating has come very recently (the last month). The other two have been around for as long as I can remember. I don't have schizophrenia and I know what's real and what isn't.
I did very well at school. I was accepted at a good college and was consistently the highest graded student in the year for numerous subjects, every year I was studying there. At 17 I started my first business and it was thriving. I was still bullied, although this was very minor compared to what I was used to, so it didn't bother me, although it made me colder.
The worst trauma comes next.
I want to die, I plan to die but I don't have the guts so I just sit in this unenjoyable cesspit of a fucking existence
This came, again, in the form of a female.
I had never liked a person before, in any capacity. I had never even had a friend thus far and I had never had a crush, but I fell for her instantly.
I knew what girls her age wanted and what they were drawn to. She remained a crush for around a month, then she was mine. I was now 18 and had the means for us both to live together. I instantly left home to be with her. This relationship lasted throughout college and my first year of uni.
She was from a poor background. I spent almost everything I had on her and her parents. I gave them cash when they were struggling, bought new appliances and hardware ect. for their home. I even gave her father a hand with his landscaping work.
This was me reaching out and being human for the first time in nearly twenty years. I also felt as if for once I had a family and something to come home to.
Obviously, that's not how things worked out.
>>29342020
Do you lack the balls, or simply the compulsion? Evidently the latter. You clearly don't want it enough. Yet.
She failed to get into uni. She was never terribly academic at college. However, I was still blamed. We were finished immediately. This came when my depression had already worsened. There would be numerous serious attempts during this time.
Then she stole from me, excessively. I had been saddled with the debts of all of our dealings, whilst she kept all stock, account information ect. She would also go on to use my name for future dealings, resulting in further financial loss for myself. This was compounded by my already dire situation on account of my emergency accommodation. I had gone from making more money each week than my lecturers to being flat broke, worrying about paying for food and being taken to court.
She also knew me better than anyone else ever had. She used thus against me. Shared all my secrets, all the details relating to my mental health and upbringing. Thus alongside spreading lies about me, further stealing/acts of fraud and deriding me for ever trusting her.
This all started a year ago.
I'm now 21, in debt and my mental health is shattered. I'm exhausted guys. The compulsion to kill is almost overwhelming. From birth the world made me what I am. Now it hates me for what I am.
I used to want friends, or partners or relationships. Then money and possessions. This year I've chased every one of my desires recklessly and ruthlessly, but every time I get what I want, I get angrier and the depression worsens.
The girls I have casual sex with infuriate me for no evident reason. People become boring instantly. Everything is so transparent and so dull. The DD has gotten so bad that dreams now feel more real than reality.
There's no turning back now from the path that everyone was so compelled to put me on. The people around me have been unrelenting in their cruelty for over two decades.
Every aspect of my life is devastated by the actions of others from my past. There's no turning back.
Hi Tim, just wanted to say that I really appreciate you sharing your story with us. I can relate to some aspects of your story, mainly the bullying but little past that. Despite this, I just want you to know that I feel for you, man. Hopefully one day you can find happiness.
>>29341647
Well whether you go thru with it or not is up to you. Maybe we'll find peace maybe not. One thing is for certain is that people like us need to die. Not for society's sake but for our own. I love Tim, good luck with whatever you decide to do
>>29342271
>Wahhhh I hate life but I want people to know me and my story
>I find people boring
>Hate everyone I fuck
Wow tc, I just feel so fucking bad for you. I mean, who the fuck wouldn't right?
Oh yeah, in real life I'd be just another boring fuck you'd never care about.
You're only 21, you've still got a lot of time ahead of you. Suffering produces perseverance, perseverance produces character, and character will produce hope.
>>29342776
There is no hope in this world
>>29341647
hurry up 477
I think I understand correctly. I'd tell you not to, but I hope you find closure. Maybe this just isn't the right way.
>>29342776
>a lot of time ahead of you
yeah, a lot of time to suffer. cool world
just murder her.
then kill yourself.
>>29341647
>You're only 21
Ok, continue
>You've still got a lot of time ahead of you.
Until you have 21, you still have the chance to believe things will get better. You become an adult, then life will be the same, always.
>Suffering produces perseverance, perseverance produces character, and character will produce hope.
Hahaha stopped at perseverance. The worst thing someone can have is hope. Hope makes you believe, even though you know you have no chance to improve.
>>29343477
this desu 56
>>29342271
Buy a gun. Buy ammo. Buy a GoPro camera. I think you know what comes next senpai.
>>29343618
Oops, meant to >>29342776
>21
Try 31 Timmy.
You sound like an intelligent guy. Moreover someone cunning enough to manipulate life and people to your own ends.
Of course the tragedy (and the reason the sex parners repulse you) is because there are few people if anyone you can be honest with or moreover intimate with. Someone who can share and commiserate.
Maybe I'm projecting. I share some of the same sentiment. I'm not afflicted by psychosis but plenty else. I like to think I could commiserate. For what it's worth I read every word.
I have faced down suicide many times in the last decade. Always holding out for hope. I can only imagine with the psychosis how disconnected you must feel at times - from the world, and from people.
Very sorry Tim. In the end only you can decide whether your life is worth living. Only you can cure yourself, or make the determination the patient is beyond saving and has to get taken off life support.
Good luck, whatever happens.
