/ftg/- Freetalk General
Share anything and everything, talk about your day, what you're feeling ect.
>So how's life?
>>29280029
I don't like going to sleep because my dreams are more lonely than my waking life. :(
>>29280029
I WANNA FEEL HOW I FEEL, WHEN I'M ASLEEP
today i woke up in sweden and drove 5 hours north while thinking about how i hate myself too much to accept love and should probably end all my relationships and also that there are a lot of purple flowers in sweden rn.
Keep having dreams where I am surrounded by friends who are people I knew a long time ago
Deleted kik today. No more interaction with anyone who lives outside of this forum.
Kinda sad but meh. Maybe I'll be more productive
>>29280513
I deleted kik to drop r9k shitters today too
Were you in that Feel Group?
>>29280639
No but in a B group from 4 years ago and had some r9k friends from different countries
>>29281088
Nice. Why'd you delete, brother?
>>29281540
Ehh I look at my phone every 15 seconds and ill never meet any of these people ive been talking to for years anyway. Im not very good with people, even those online now considering i dont know anyone irl. It's probably for the best.
guise come on dont you want to talk about our horrible lives and shit
>>29281990
Just trying to keep myself from sleeping or eating out of boredom
>>29280029
I don't have any friends online or in real life but I started talking to this guy and i wish he would just stop talking to me.
I really like talking to him and I think he likes it too but I'm constantly afraid of being too boring or fucking up.
I also started trying to lose weight. Hopefully I won't give up early this time.
How was your day, OP?
>>29283260
Not OP, but I feel you on the weight loss struggle. I am down to 150 and still feeling like I am a tub.
I wish I could be healthy about it, but the only way I can do it is to just not eat.
>>29283315
I'm 5'7 and 185. I don't know how I let myself go that far. I decided to lose weight because I honestly don't feel comfortable doing anything anymore. I constantly feel like shit about myself.
How much weight have you lost?
>>29283424
About 45 lbs, I am 5 ft 8 and was huegfat. I couldn't really even see my own skin and not be terribly disguested
>>29283519
So almost the same as mine. How long did it take you to lose it?
Sorry if asking too many questions
I want to die.
I don't think I can deal living here anymore.
Life feels like more of a fight than a gift.
>>29283548
Like just over a year...
>>29283581
I feel that way too a lot, I am so fucked up
>>29280029
Im very depressed on a daily basis, ive been lifting weights for years trying to combat the feelings of numbness and suicidal thoughts. Nothing helps. I just dont want to go on pills that cause more damage than they fix.
I thought having a nice body would make me feel better about myself. Now im just a buff with a fragile psyche.
I can't deal anymore with the amount of hate, greed, disregard for human life, and ignorance that exists in the world. I feel this unbearable weight in my body every time the thought of how vile the human race is.
>decide to improve self
>get gym membership
>workout
>get ambitious on a deadlift
>lift too much
>strain back
>soreness for days
>can't go back until healed
this was sunday, kinda mad because I did this but I guess this is what I get for being careless
I feel separate from everybody. Like other people work on a different wavelength. I see them just fitting in so easily and wonder why I can't too.
>>29283748
I did stuff like this when I first started lifting, 2 weeks into it I tried to deadlift 315. Bad idea, plus im 6'4 so form on deadlifts isn't the best because of long legs. I can deadlift 385x8 now but looking back at it, i was a fool and lost a weeks worth of gains.
I can't help but feeling that my life is completely unsalvageable. I just fucked up too hard.
I'm not even sure if living is worthwhile when misery the only thing life has in store for me.
>>29283821
Agreed, people just talk about themselves so easily.
I don't talk about myself unless it's to someone who would actually care, so pretty much no one.
High school is over. Summer begins. I am going days without any socialization. And now I'm too sick to smoke those feelings away so I'm kind of lost.
>>29283854
I fucked up my back and shoulder probably for life trying to lift way more than I could in squats, DL and OH press. I thought I was a badass after like two months of lifting and decided it was time to throw on a 315lb squat. Rounded back and quarter squats all the way.
Tried to throw on 145lbs on OHP, that one really fucked up my back, pain for years.
Was able to lift like 425lbs on deadlift around the same time, with a round back and jerks of course.
Shoulder got destroyed from a 165lb power clean. Thought I was a bad enough dude to do it for reps, tore my rotator cuff.
>>29283894
Do you ever feel angry about it? Sometimes I do but then I stop myself. I feel petty being angry about something I can barely describe. Even when I try to be as normal and I think I'm doing well people are repelled by me. I see others who act in that stereotypical "autistic" way have more friends than me and be socially fluent. How?
>>29283854
>>29283985
the worst part is I strained my back deadlifting 1pl8
feels better now though, I can probably go back by friday
>>29283973
>days without any socialization
>high school
reported.
>>29283748
>tfw I lost the motivation to go back while I was healing
I still can't get back into it
>>29284000
I don't know what to do about it, but I'm constantly frustrated about it. It's as if I'm completely incompatible with the rest of our species, and there's nothing I can do about it.
>>29284229
I don't know about you but I feel, to some extent. better than normal faggots. Like my struggle makes me somehow sincere than them. As through my reliance on only myself for companionship and understanding makes me more fulfilled and more genuine. Yet I envy them. I want to be like them. I feel both inferior and superior at the same time.
I've fallen in love with a girl, long distance. I thought she was my soulmate but I'm starting to hate her... She's a whore at heart and it disgusts me. She's ravishingly beautiful and I thought she was beautiful in mind but she is not the person I believed in my deluded fantasy. At this moment, I am gathering the strength to break up with her.... Thoughts?
>>29284850
I want to break her heart when I end the relationship... Any ideas on how to best destroy her emotionally?
>>29284850
She was my last hope to ever truly fall in love... It's crushing to be reminded how fake everything is
>>29284850
What did she do? How is she a whore?
>>29284942
She says whore shit... oh and she sent me nudes the first time we talked
>>29284942
she has said that it's a turn on for her to make me jealous... I love her but I will not continue to give my love to a whore (,: I am a fairly attractive person and I can do better than this shit
Today I had my exposure therapy for two hours with my psychologist. He was so happy to see the visible drop in my anxiety during the session that he told me to take off the next three days of imaginal exposure and just focus on making myself feel better. He kept a straight face while I talked about my worst intrusive thoughts and even asked me about what video games I've been playing/what movies I've been streaming
>so happy to have an empathetic and competent therapist I could cry
>so ashamed of the things I tell him I can't even look him in the eyes
I'm so conflicted
Why do I have to feel so guilty over something I have no control over? I'm working as hard as I can to get better, why do I have to feel ashamed of talking about the things that disturb me?
>post skype in adv thread with invitation to chat
>haven't checked it since
fug
>Have a very freeform job with ambiguous expectations
>never feel like I'm doing enough
fug
I'm finally getting estrogen this month. I've been trying to get them for a year, and I'm so excited. I don't remember ever feeling this anticipated.
I hate that I have been on stimulants since I was a kid. If you have never tried stimulants, it's like you augmented reality. Whenever you make a decision, you know what to do. Situational foresight and short-term memory are sharpened, conversations seem to have more options, things are just... better.
Now every day without them is just not good enough. I work a landscaping job and I trudge through my day, barely making any headway. The only thing that helps is food and getting high. I'm basically a polydrug dependent loser, running as far as I can away from sobriety. But it always catches up. I'm pathetic and I am having a hard time accepting that this is just how my brain works now.
