It's that time guys. Let's hear about your mental illness. Let's hear about your treatments, symptoms and side effects
To get the ball rolling: what was your last episode like and what have you been diagnosed with?
>>29193723
Depression.
>inb4 meme illness
Last episode was pretty shitty, I gave up on life and almost killed myself, I got on antidepressants and got kicked out of my house. Now I'm taking speed every second weekend and I feel really good. I'm even thinking of going to college instead of working some shitty job.
The only problem is that my thoughts are so unstable that I will most probably be depressed again in a few weeks and I will fail college and fuck up my life again and go out and do heroin and shit and I don't know what I'm even writing right now I just don't understand anything about this world.
It's ironic since I got it all figured out in my head when it comes to metaphysics and meaning of life n shit. And I'm still reading Schopenhauer just to keep my mind sharp.
I feel like I'm another person every time I wake up in the morning. It feels so scary and fun at the same time.
Pls listen to some of my music robots
>trap
>dubstep
https://soundcloud.com/skopa-larzdi/002a
Just because I'm bored, I'll keep writing in this thread. Hopefully robots will not find me a spammer and this thread will keep going, I like this thread.
It is very satisfying when you leave everything you built so far behind and just decide to go totally opposite way - in example, I was always some kind of smart guy, always into mathematics and philosophy and stuff, everyone in my family expected me to finish college without second thought, and I just got fucking sick of it and went the other way, got into the drug scene and tried some LSD ripoff (nBOME of some sort), speed and then MDMA on a trance rave - and while it certainly got me really detached from the real world, it made me more content with the world as I see that reality is nothing more than just chemical balance in our brains.
If humanity would figure out how to synthesize all the happy hormones of our brain and feed them to us intravenously, we could all live in a happy world, happily doing all the boring tasks for government which would contain a bunch of ambitious guys who want to create something more than just happiness in their brains - everyone would be happy, and world would keep moving even faster than it is moving right now, when it's powered by currency and wars for oil, land etc.
Oh boy. The latest primary diagnosis was major depressive disorder, the secondary diagnosis was hypnotic abuse, the tertiary one was mood disorder, specified, basically meaning I show traits of bipolar disorder but they're not sure what kind of diagnosis they would throw at me.
My 'last episode' is basically just my entire life since March. Back then my suicidality intensified and I decided fuck it, I'm going to go hard on drugs. Did a bunch of heroin, Percocet, meth, etizolam, and flubromazolam. Got very, very suicidal when I was running low on drugs, came extraordinarily close to intentional drug OD, which I am entirely sure would've been successful.
I somehow hadn't killed myself by the time I was out of everything, and particularly the benzo's, and I went into severe withdrawal, and went to the ER, which totally fucked up and didn't even try to treat me, sent me out, and I immediately had another seizure, after which they just watched me for 24 hours and gave me a fucking MRI. MRI's are shitty on a normal day, but when you're in full blown, heavy sedative withdrawal, it's a fucking nightmare.
So after that I ended up in the psych ward. Spent 10 days in there. Felt shitty still, but got out. Went to a partial hospitalization program, dropped out after 2 weeks because the whole thing was a shitshow, started doing heroin again, and oh hooray, I OD'd. End up back in the ER, and then back to the psych ward. Spend 20 days there. Feel a tiny bit better, leave. End up feeling reckless again, do some heroin, do fine, get some benzo's, my entire life gets fucked again, go back to the psych ward, get out after 5 days, and here we are.
I've been on a lot of different meds, but right now it's 450 milligrams of Wellbutrin a day, 300 milligrams of Seroquel XR at night daily, up to three 100 milligram IR Seroquel during the day, 2400 milligrams of gabapentin, and some clonidine and hydroxyzine for anxiety.
My life is pretty much a shitshow.
>>29193723
>what was your last episode like
Bad depressive episode a couple of weeks ago. Could barely eat, drink or bathe, slept 20+ hours a day and only left the bed to piss. Nearly got fired from my job for missing so many days of work, alienated my family (who were in the process of establishing a better relationship with me, fucked it all up). Didn't do my therapy at home at all, missed two appointments in a row with my psychologist, making it infinitely harder to get back on track when I did feel a little better. The whole time I was obsessing so badly over my intrusive thoughts, it motivated me enough to get out of bed and spend every waking moment in cemeteries, around funeral homes or hoarding gore porn and fapping. Finally came out of it after a week or two, still trying to get back to being productive despite still being depressed as fuck.
>what have you been diagnosed with?
Bipolar type 1, OCD, sexual sadism and paraphilia NOS (necrophilia).
>treatments
Lots of medication, and currently in exposure and response prevention therapy which is actually, finally working. Pic related, I've been tracking my progress over the last several months and this week it's finally getting better. SUDS stands for Subjective Units of Distress Scale, it's an easy way to track your level of anxiety for the therapist's sake during exposure. Went from staying at a constant 95-100/100 to hovering around the 60's during recent sessions. Feels so much better, man.
>symptoms
too many to list in this already lengthy post. most disruptive ones are extremely violent psychosis during manic episodes, near catatonia during depressive episodes, intrusive homicidal and necrophilic thoughts from the OCD all day, intense compulsions to act on the thoughts from the OCD and sexual sadism and necrophilia, and the inability to have normal social and sexual relations because of my exclusive proclivities
>side effects
Drowsiness, dry mouth, have to piss constantly, dizziness, tremor
>>29193839
Jej. That's called stimulant psychosis. Enjoy your Schizophrenia!
>>29194040
So basically give everyone a 24/7 heroin drip, adjusting for tolerance constantly?
So in a world where most people have average brain chemistry, nobody really understands the power of psychoactive drugs so they don't want to get into it - and those that do, they become addicted and end up like those meth deaths you see on television. Then people become afraid of it and governments criminalize it and everything becomes shitty.
It's not like those stupid hippies say - that drugs are illegal because they make you think - NO. Drugs are illegal because people aren't capable of using them rationally - me being the first example. I could easily solute the street speed in water and take small amounts just to boost my brainpower - but the rush from snorting is so good that I always have the need to snort it with my friends and just chill out while high and listen to some angry Pantera kind of shit, or Pendulum remixes of The Prodigy - because fuck it we're high we feel good we don't feel the need to connect with the real world.
That's what happens with every drug addict ever - every heroin user could use the drug to make his life more comfortable, they could take it and study three days in succession and finish college and earn enough money to fund their use, and even get some purer stuff - but with stigma attached to it, and with irresponsibility that raises up with modern world's chaotic life - they just end up using it to escape.
Fuck people, you should use drugs to conquer the world, like Hitler. Not to run away from it.
We're fucking cowards if every time that our lives become shitty we escape in a high, instead of using the same high to get a grip and do something to boost our status or power or anything.
Fuck I would do anything for a gram of speed now.
>>29194083
Yeah, basically. We would be a nation of painkilled people.
In a few million years we would probably evolve not to feel pain at all. Then we wouldn't even need heroin at all. It would be so great...
...I wonder what the philosophers of that world would have to say about anything.
>>29194065
Holy shit, is that stuff real?
I'm currently reading the article on Wikipedia, but TL;DR - what are the symptoms of stimulant psychosis?
Psychotic Depression
I exist in between a state of needing to be hospitalized and able to care for myself (basic needs like food, water, showers, etc)
However I can't clean, I rarely cook, my laundry is months old and my carpet is covered in cigarette ash and more.
I don't live in a country that assigns me a caretaker but I am on disability. I'll be moving into supportive housing which is me and 15 other mentally ill people with on site social workers and the like.
This is what my life has come to, I'm just hoping it'll stop me from wanting to kill myself every 5 minutes.
>>29194046
How do you get your money for all the stuff? When I binge, I always run out of money before I can even develop withdrawals in the first place...
>>29194046
FYI if you didn't know you are going to need more and more and more seroquel for it to be effective!
Anyways, hows things now anon?
>>29194218
I worked last summer. I made like $7000. Quit the job, and for a while my drug use was light enough that I didn't run out too quickly, but it built up. I have $3500 left in a CD that I can't really currently touch, but I'm going to figure out what I need to do to get more heroin. I have some weed at least, but my fucking mom threw out my hash oil because she didn't know it was just weed shit.
>OCD
>Depression
Last OCD episode was a bad one. Had to keep punching and rubbing spit in my ear to get people out of my head, also endes up breaking a pair of my headphones too during. I'm paranoid the head trauma is making me stupid, or less creative, and I'm certainly not going anywhere academically (resitting 2 Alevels next year) so my last hope is to write something but I think I've ruined my talent with drinking, lack of sleep and constantly thwacking my head because of OCD.
Everything is going to shit fampai.
>>29194245
Do you really think I don't understand the concept of a tolerance?
And not too great. I'm continuing on some kind of manic/hypomanic trend, and I'm considering suicide right now because, well, I don't fucking know why, I'm just pissed off and want to off myself because fuck everything.
>>29194289
Are you not in any form of treatment? Medication and therapy can dramatically reduce your symptoms if you stick to it.
>>29194272
Fuck I hate my country. Price of heroin is same as in USA, while wages are like 10-50 times lesser.
Average wage for a bartender here is like 300-400$. Even if I can pay rent, I can only buy a gram twice a month ffs...
I'm seriously thinking about finishing college just so I could have more money for drugs.
>>29194289
I've fucked with my brain to the point of having several month long periods I straight out don't remember because of benzo abuse, and I've been running on nowhere near enough sleep for most of my life. Not much physical damage to my head, other than punching it some.
Anyway, my point is that I'm still fairly confident I can still right well.
>>29194289
Just coming off the back of a really bad depressive period, was ready to kill myself from November until around April, even tried in January. Missed so much school I have to try again, did a lot of drugs, alienated a lot of people. Not sure which of my 'friends' even like me, had one similar friend who I never see anymore, hope he's doing alright. Don't really know what to do or say, I'm tired and I'm venting. Some of you guys seem worse though so that makes me feel a little less self pitiful.
Sorry, had to split in two, robot thought it was spam.
>>29194337
I mean prices for dope can be all over the place. Last time I bought online, I got a quarter gram for like $25 or something, last time I bought in person, someone brought 5 grams up from another state for $400, and $80 of what I paid was just a delivery fee.
>>29194173
When you take a bunch of stimulants and experience psychosis you dolt.
There's a reason a lot of former meth addicts develop Schizophrenia or bipolar disorder. Even kids on ADHD meds are prone to it. Stimulants, for whatever reason, can trigger latent psychotic disorders.
I mean, you already mentioned feeling out of touch with reality. Are you confused? Paranoid? Anxious? Do you remember who you are or where you are? You sound honestly very disorganized.
>>29194381
>When you take a bunch of stimulants and experience psychosis you dolt.
no shit?
>>29194328
I'm prescribed sertraline, although that's more for the depression, poor history of adherence to meds because I'm scared doctors are trying to take my OCD away and I half believe it keeps me safe from evil forces/people.
>>29193723
ive recently started wondering if I dont have legit autism or some kind of sociopathic condition
i cant remember the last time I objectively felt sad, or happy about anything. its not that I dont feel anything, its just that I dont think of these emotion as "my own" since I have no direct control over them and they come and go, it'd be like saying that you control the waves that wash over you when you go for a swim on the beach. so when people ask me how I feel I dont know how to respond at all
when it comes to human interaction im pretty good and can always find something to talk about no matter who im talking to
i have some issues with my confidence in that I dont feel a need to base it on something like my physical appearance (which is average), so I have this huge confidence because, well, why not? its better than to not have any. i always feel right about everything, and at the same time I dont need anyone elses confirmation to feel good about myself. I feel like I can do anything in any social situation as long as I can keep the confidence aura going. People only seem to judge your social behavior on how confident you are. You can say anything, do anything and if you're confident while doing so, people will react to it positively, overall
>>29193839
Want some advice? Get off the amphetamines. You sound insane. Not from your writing, but all that in your life sounds like you're insane.
>>29194407
How the fuck are you not already aware of this shit? I'm genuinely interested in how you started doing speed regularly with absolutely no idea about it's effects. I knew exactly what I was getting into when I started doing drugs, but it sounds like you're just an idiots who's going to get knocked on their ass just because they have no idea what's going on.
>>29194413
The great thing about therapy (not medication, things like DBT and exposure therapy) is that it helps to reduce your dependency on this disorder, and helps you realize that your behavior is irrational, disruptive and something that you would be better off without. That probably sounds terrifying to you, but if there's even a little part of you that wants to feel better, you should consider doing something about your behavior and thoughts. Discomfort now could save you from tremendous suffering down the line.
>>29194407
How did you not know about stimulant Psychosis?
>>29194381
>>29194407
I'm sorry, that first sentence seemed pretty aggressive to me.
Let's just ignore that part.
I'm not really "confused" in a "lost in a forest" kind of way, I'm more like "I guess I just don't know" confused, I really don't know what I'm supposed to know and I don't know if I'll ever know it. I just don't feel like there is anything I'm supposed to understand.
>Paranoid?
Maybe, I'm a little paranoid that every person I know hates me to the core and really just hangs out with me because they remember who I used to be - and I'm really an asshole now and I can't even see it. I just say mean or inappropriate things to people without realizing it and they get mad at me. The other day the singer from my band, and my dear friend, got mad at me for doing some joke about his lyrics for a really long time. It really made me cry but I got a certain change of perspective from it.
>Anxious?
Well yeah, but I was always an anxious type, I used to fear a lot of stuff. I don't know, it's a little hard to call all those ads for jobs but I know I gotta do it and every day I call one or two. It's progress.
>Do you remember who you are or where you are?
Yeah I pretty much remember. Although I don't have anything in common with who I was last year, but that's pretty normal in my age, people change.
And I'm not so disorganized, I just tend to change my mind very often about things. One day I want to work and live alone, other day I want to finish college, next day I just feel I should kill myself because there's no point.
There's no point.
So what is the diagnosis, doctor? Give it to me straight.
>>29194289
Hey I do the head thing too. I sometimes whack my head into walls to stop the intrusive thoughts fambily.
>>29194531
Dude, don't ask for a diagnosis on r9k.
Go talk to a psychologist. The Intake is usually free. Just say "Listen, I've been doing a buncha stimulants lately and I think I might be having a psychotic episode"
If it makes you any more worried, my psychiatrist took me off my ADHD meds once I told him Schizophrenia runs in the family and I've got magical thinking going on.
Turns out it was the OCD, but still. If you're prone, do not fuck with drugs. I've known schizos, and it's a sad, sad disease.
>>29194486
Fuck man. I don't know. If you have time, add me on normiebook, Skopa Larzdi, I really need someone to really estimate my situations.
My "friends" don't really want to tell me anything, they just spill a little bit of the story every now and then, if they feel generous...
>>29194531
>So what is the diagnosis, doctor? Give it to me straight.
You're retarded.
>>29194531
You're not psychotic. But the drugs are making you a true cunt of a human.
>>29194608
The last part was a joke though. I'm not prone to psychosis though, everyone was pretty chill and mentally healthy in my family.
desu senpai I still feel pretty smart when it comes to logical stuff. I still solve problems on Project Euler every day and programming is a breeze. I guess I won't be worried until my logical skills start taking toll.
>>29193723
I've recently been diagnosed with Social Anxiety.
It's not so much that I perform horribly socially (I still have friends and have fucked a few girls) it's how I view myself that's the real problem.
In fact, as a weird kind of result of my condition I initially went to a therapist to get a diagnosis for Aspergers. I thought I was such a defective mess socially that it made sense if I was autistic. Truth is I just freak out and blow things out of proportion in my head.
I think it's such a pathetic condition for a man to have. I can't be this emotional spineless mess, real men don't think like this.
>>29194627
What do you mean by "true cunt of a human"?
I honestly don't understand it.
>>29194701
Kek
Autistic kid on /r9k/, who would've guessed
Enjoy your dreadful stay on this planet desu senpai
>>29194621
No, I'm not fucking adding you on FB. I can't estimate your problems at all.
>>29194608
Maybe old schizos, before the new round of drugs.
There's a lot of hope now. If you can catch Schizophrenia in the prodromal stage, most people never get the disease at all. I (collegefag) have a few colleagues with it, and they are pretty fucking successful. Head research organizations, they own businesses, one of them is even about to get his PhD.
If you catch it early, if you stick to your meds, and if you have good adaptability skills BEFORE your first psychotic episode, you can live a very normal life.
It's the SSRIfags that are getting screwed over if you ask me.
>>29194720
Just reading what you posted, it sounds like everyone just tolerates you, and the drugs only make it worse. Take a hard look at your life and your behavior. Therapy might actually be useful for you.
>>29194701
Actally bro, psychs don't care about how "real men" act. They just want people to be happy and comfortable with themselves. Think about that.
From my other thread
Would you say Zen Buddhism / Meditation is an acceptable alternative to therapy? I can't pay for it, and I don't want to become a brainwashed slave, but I'm suicidally depressed
>>29194782
I know psychs don't care about that, what are you trying to get at?
>>29193723
I guess the worst I have is schizoid
Basically everything is meh, it's like depression, but maybe less severe
Too much work to have a lot of mental illnesses and treat them
>>29194881
That it's okay to be scared, alone, anxious or nervous. Psych's wont say "You're no man!" They'll wanna talk about why you eel this way and hel.
>>29194855
Meditation is a great way to be more mindful/destress. As an alternative? I dunno, it depends on your needs.
Though for you I'd recommend seeking treatment.
>>29194855
Yeah, it's hard work though.
I remember I almost reached an awesome place when meditating, but a voice in my head just came out and told me to go fucking hang myself and I didn't want to try it again after that.
Took me about 45 minutes to almost zone out, too.
>>29194782
>No, I'm not fucking adding you on FB. I can't estimate your problems at all.
>Just reading what you posted, it sounds like everyone just tolerates you, and the drugs only make it worse. Take a hard look at your life and your behavior. Therapy might actually be useful for you.
Fuck.
Why do those random posts from total strangers on an autistic chinese forum make me so sad?
I was in therapy in fact, I called myself in when I felt suicidal. I stopped with the therapy when my therapist insisted that I stop taking speed.
Fuck. I'm a fucking addict.
I don't know what to say or do.
I might simply an hero now. There is no point for going on any further.
>>29194947
I get dissociative episodes daily. Is that the same thing?
>>29194855
>alternative
Half the fucking therapy out there incorporates that shit already.
>>29194959
>I might simply an hero now. There is no point for going on any further.
Actually you're in luck, because there are resources for you. The first step right now is to call a therapist or a crisis center, and read them exactly what you just posted here.
Then, work on getting off the speed. You sound like you have a LOT to live for, but the drugs are the issue. Seriously, a coding wiz, musically gifted, high linguistic intelligence....killing yourself would be a waste of a good person. At some point everyone comes to struggling, and this is that point for you.
So if you truly feel like dying, pick up the phone, dial a crisis hotline, and tell them. Then you can work on getting off the speed.
I have schizophrenia. My last episode involved me thinking my neighbors were out to get me and spying on me, and I confronting them about it and them calling the cops. Then going to the hospital. Hearing voices of demons also telling me to kill myself and that I was special and belonged in hell with them. It was mild compared to other episodes, though. Still put me in the hospital longer than any other time because of disorganized and impulsive behavior. IT's also the first time they told me "you have schizophrenia, sorry." Because I've had so many episodes and the last one lasted 2 months. I just thought it was temporary psychosis when it first happened 6 years ago. They don't like diagnosing it unless they're 100% sure, apparently. I'm still not convinced that my neighbors aren't out to get me, but it's whatever. I'm going to move soon and then that'll be that. I understand now that it's possible that I'm mishearing what they're saying. But it still feels real to me.
No more demons for a few months now. And I'm more clear headed and not acting so strange.Although I almost went back to the hospital the other day because I took all my medication at once impulse. Luckily they sent me back home and just said I have to go t oa day program everyday starting on monday.
In the hospital I thought everyone was plotting to kill me, just like the neighbors were. I didn't trust any patients or nursing staff so they had to lock me in one of those solitary rooms for a few weeks. It sucked.
>diagnosed Major Depression
Started when I was 13, eventually caused me to drop out of school. Took all kinds of anti-depressants with no effect, therapy did nothing for me but piss me off.
Currently self medicating with xanax, weed, LSD, shrooms, ketamine and on occasion some oxy. worksforme
I also have a few doses of Nembutal handy in case things get too bad and I need a way out.
>Schizoid personality or autistm
Saw several psychiatrists including a few specialized in diagnosing autism and they couldn't agree on whether I'm a sperg or a schizoid
Not much to be done about that, except for the drugs I mentioned before.
I'm done with psychiatry.
I've pretty much given up, I'll off myself when I run out of money.
>>29194959
>I stopped with the therapy when my therapist insisted that I stop taking speed.
>I don't know what to say or do.
wew lad
>I might simply an hero now. There is no point for going on any further.
Go for it. No one here is going to take pity on you. You're hopeless.
>>29193839
I feel like a different person everyday when I wake up to. As if on a scale from 1 - 10, each point on the scale has a different tangent to another point, so they are uniquely distinct.
It's as if when I wake up a 5 I view the world from a different angle then if I was a 7 or a 3. Because of this and the passage of time I've developed a personality trait where I refer to "I" (myself) as "we".
Had very awkward talks with the psych when she'd ask who's we and I'd have to stop and wonder what the hell she was talking about.
>>29194959
I'm glad that when my therapist told me that he wouldn't tell me to stop taking drugs.
Anyway, you said you're taking it every other weekend? You're not a fucking addict. Come back when you're using enough to get withdrawal and shit.
>>29195326
>say crazy shit to your psych
>psych tries to get an understanding of your crazy shit
>complete lack of understanding of what you actually said
You're acting like the people I met in the psych ward who were fried from too much spice or salvia. Your drug use is relatively minor, but you do seem fairly screwed up.
>>29195330
>You're not a fucking addict. Come back when you're using enough to get withdrawal and shit.
Well, I'm glad that /r9k/ didn't forget to turn issues into competitions again.
Now, sarcasm aside, the only thing that is keeping me from binging for days is the money and the knowledge that the longer I do it the worse will the comedowns be.
I don't want to binge for 3 nights on that fucking stuff, that doesn't even have a point. If anything, I would take a few mgs of xanax at night to get a good night's sleep and then continue using.
>>29195416
I'm not even turning things into a pissing contest, you're just simply barely addicted if you are. If you think you're addicted now, enjoy the ride when you do inevitably start doing it every day, assuming you don't get off it.
>>29195558
Also, it would be fucking hilarious if you used benzo's regularly enough for stim crashes and ended up dependent on them.
I have pretty severe depression and both homicidal and suicidal ideation, lately I've been having visual hallucinations. I went to a psychiatrist and they believed my problems were more neurological than psychological. I hope I don't have some life threatening brain tumour.
>>29195558
>>29195609
There's a difference between physical and psychological addiction. I'm only experiencing psychological aspect of it - I literally can't imagine my life without speed.
You've probably experienced both, which are really fucked up, I can imagine. But that experience is yours and I can't dwell into it, so belittling others' addiction because you've suffered more than them is really assholeish, man. I wouldn't ever say such thing to anyone who is walking the path of drugs.
You ever heard that story when the kid scratched his knee and his mother says to her friend "god, he cries like it's the worst thing that ever happened to him" and then her friend answers "...but it is the worst thing that ever happened to him"...
>>29195808
Perhaps I was overly harsh, but considering your rate of use, I consider my reaction a worthwhile perspective. Remember my assholeish reaction and get the fuck off it.
Also, "walking the path of drugs" is a very, very grandiose term to describe addiction.
>>29195930
Yeah. I understand. I'm butthurt a lot these days. I don't know why, sorry man.
It's just that it's hard to make that decision real. I will always want that "just one more time".
Do you really need to hit the rock bottom before you actually feel you need to quit?
>>29193723
Diagnosed: Asperger's, or ASD level 1 as it's called now, OCPD, Dyspaxia
Undiagnosed: le depression meme, schizophrenia?, hypochondria?, munchhausen's?, Alzheimer's, GAD?, fugue, cannabis related brain damage
treatments: stopped taking Seroquel 6-7 years ago, buy Ritalin/Adderal occasionally but need a better dealer, off grass, drink heavily.
I'm in this awful rut, socially isolated cave dweller, in a halfway house full of niggers. but atleast my last suicide attempt was almost a year ago, and I've been taking bad news much better.
I'm even pretty solidly over the last girl I stalked.
