Or is it low?
I just came home after work today and slept. Not because I was physically or mentally tired, but because I just didn't care about living anymore. 31 KV, life is pointless without intimacy. Not sex - I can buy sex. But intimacy. Someone to relate to, someone to share life with who I can commiserate with.
Anything in the pursuit of happiness seems pointless because it's just me having a little adventure inside my head. I've done that my whole life as long as I can remember. Rarely had friends as a kid because the family moved around a lot. So I made my own fun with just me. And now that I'm old, "friends" have all gone on their separate ways with their significant others.
I'm left, ugly, aging, and miserable - in a career I didn't pick but work to pay the bills just to stay alive. 40 hours a week to stay alive, eat, sleep, breathe, have shelter - and all the mundane in between.
Blowing thousands on a drug-fueled trip to Vegas and multiple high class hookers reeks of nothing but transient, hollow solipsism. All of it just another "personal" experience - no one to share it with, not even the hooker who's made their "most intimate physical contact" nothing more than a commodity that has been reduced to meaninglessness.
The older I get, the more bitter, jaded, and miserable I become. The more sure I become that this is it - I passed the threshold for "succeeding" at life. That there is no going forward and "fixing" this. Only trying to cobble together pieces and settling for a life of solitude with plenty of "acquaintances" and online "friends" but no one whom I could ever be intimate with and share even things like what I have written here.
The more miserable I become the more this cycle reciprocates and assures me that it will do nothing but drive others away. What rational human being would even want to get close to this kind of misery? No one. No one wants to be around something like that. No one wants to go in and "fix" someone.
>>29179294
With nothing left, why continue?
Why keep moving forward in some absurd notion of hope that things will magically get better?
Why fight a losing battle against age, entropy, and all social convention - that no one of any gender or persuasion wants to be with or even near a bitter, aging old man?
I've dreamed of my death countless times for the last 6-7 years. I don't think I have gone longer than a week since I was 25 without fantasizing about killing myself.
Every time my hand was stayed by hope - or not hurting the members of my family who are still alive.
But hope has faded. And what's left of my family is dying. What's holding me here?
Cool.
Write a manifesto or note like that to explain yourself and then go out killing a bunch of people. But like, 'evil' people that the media won't be able to completely demonize you for.
KKK members, a gang of bikers, trump, something like that.
Idk what to do either. I'm going to try to go to bed and see if I feel better tomorrow. I might go to the VA tomorrow and ask for help but I don't think there is any. Just the way it is I guess
Personally I blame shit wagecuck jobs as one of the many reasons for feeling like this. I was 32 when I quit mine and just went back to college. I was lucky in that I had enough money saved up to survive though. GI Bill from my military years was still good too. And I guess I was lucky in that my chosen field/major I was pretty much guaranteed a job (medical).
But yeah I can relate to everything else you've said. I've been depressed since I was a small child. I've never had any friends in my life until very, very recently. No gf ever still. I try and ask girls out, but since I have no experience I get rejected a lot. Hey, that sounds like applying for a job.
Anyway, you have a lot of feelings. They're worthy and repeatable. Try to share this with someone IRL. It's feels like hell if you keep it to yourself.
>>29179573
By repeatable I mean relatable. Too lazy to wait out the post deletion timer.
>>29179364
>Write a manifesto or note like that to explain yourself and then go out killing a bunch of people
Even if I was, I wouldn't tell anyone or ever admit to it.
>>29179453
>ask for help
Made that mistake once already. If you tell a healthcare professional you're suicidal you will wind up in one of three places: Involuntary mental hold, prison, or dead.
Ask me how I know.
>>29179573
>Try to share this with someone IRL
And that's the thing right? Besides paying a shrink or counselor upwards of $100 a visit to hear this shit and scribble it on a pad, no one wants to hear this. No one wants to shoulder this kind of burden. No one wants a friend with this kind of baggage, much less get intimate with someone like that.
Lol no, there is no one to tell, because no one would ever hear this.
>>29179664
Friends comes with the fun part first, the heavy part later.
I've spent this whole afternoon talking to my friend about our childhood traumas, how they came to be and why. It takes time to make friends. It takes a little luck to make true friends. Easier than with girls, you can just bee yourself to your friends and, unless you're unpleasant, they will like you for your common interests. Just never expect something from then, or anyone else for that matter.
On the Internet, even acting retarded can land you friends.
>>29179664
>no one wants to hear this
This is what kinda gave me hope.
There are people that will gladly listen, because they went through shit like this themselves. So they can relate to the pain you've experienced. If I was in front of you right now I honestly would listen to all you had to say and I wouldn't be put off at all. It's something I take very seriously because I know exactly how it feels.
Once I realized this is how it works I cared not to associate with people who don't understand where I come from. Or rather not become deeply connected with people that I'm not on the same wavelength as. So now I just try to live a life where I can assist people who have also had a difficult time in their lives. People will listen to you.
>>29179871
>Just never expect something from then, or anyone else for that matter.
Oh I don't. Been burned too many times. Too many times told someone something that was beneath the surface and it scared them right the fuck away.
>>29179880
>There are people that will gladly listen,
>because I know exactly how it feels.
I listen to other people too. I try to empathize, to understand them, to know more than just what's on the surface.
I feel like fucking Patrick Bateman - that there's virtually no one in my life who isn't a vapid, shallow shell of a human being. Even if they aren't, and I doubt everyone is, no one wants to listen or open up to move past that. No one wants to be intimate or talk about intimate shit. Everyone's living on the fucking surface of "hey how was your day."
Fuck my day. Fuck yesterday, fuck tomorrow, and fuck all last week. My "day" doesn't have shit to do with the kind of existential pessimism that dominates my fucking life. My "day" doesn't have shit to do with the fact that I have virtually zero reason to continue living, working, and surviving.
HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO ANSWER HOW MY "DAY" WAS UNLESS I WANT TO PARROT BACK SOME EQUALLY SUPERFICIAL, MEANINGLESS TRIPE?
What the FUCK do they expect me to say? The same shit I always say. "Oh just fine." Yup, I'M JUST DANDY. LET ME LIE TO YOU SOME MORE TO CONSOLE YOUR SENSE OF NORMALCY.
God damn.
Anon if your only problem is
> no gf
> no real friends
> no direction in life
I'm about to fucking punch you, nigga.
>>29180110
>Anon if your only problem is
>> no gf
>> no real friends
>> no direction in life
>I'm about to fucking punch you, nigga.
Going to get into a pissing contest about people who have it "worse?" People who have terminal cancer or lost their legs, or people who have MS or some fucked up neurological condition?
Please, proceed to invalidate my problems, I'm sure that will make me feel better. I'll be sure to "man up" right away and just suppress suffering like daddy always taught me. Big boys don't cry, right?
REAL MEN DON'T FEEL, RIGHT?
>>29180178
It's not even about a pissing contest.
But yes, I am currently experiencing some shit that is completely out of my control; I actually thought my life was sliding off the rails because of your same reasons and then some real shit happened. I'm still too retarded to function because I've been babied my whole life, but real effort is now required before I literally end up on the streets.
It made me realize that I paralyzed myself this whole time; looking even deeper, I see I pushed people away by being an autist and shunning people. I was charge of my own destiny and pissed it away by being dramatic and being envious of others.
Breh, you probably aren't even built for friendships anymore, you've been awkward and alone for too long, too defensive and too annoyed by the fact that real friends like seeing you at least 2-3 times a week for 4+ hours at a time, which is draining.
Which means you can't handle a gf who wants to see you everyday but not exactly satisfying your sexual fetishes everyday, or even most days. You only think you're trapped because you've built up that you're experiencing true pain and you only think you want this shit. You don't, it won't save you and you better work on yourself before some real shit comes around and you'll wish that loving 2D or hating some roastie who friendzoned you was your only problem.
>>29180110
This is 90% of the posters here. I get it. I'm in that situation too. But sometimes you need to step back and take it all into perspective.
I have food, shelter, an internet connection, and a functioning car. I have no financial worries. I'm physically healthy. I've never had a gf and no real friends. My job is shit but it won't be after a few years. Everything really could be a lot worse.
Once again, it's like getting a handle on our existence. Life sucks, but what part about it *genuinely* sucks? And what parts are "eh this sucks, but it's not that terrible."
>>29181104
OP is still depressed despite having all those material things. Doesn't that imply those things don't "matter" in your sense? I don't think a simple mental restructuring will banish the specter of loneliness. A "ah-ha!" moment where OP finds that life was beautiful all along will never happen.
OP wants something all humans desire in some capacity. That is, the feeling of reciprocated love.
OP, do you need someone to talk to?
If so feel free to add me on skype : mastershadrian
>>29179294
It's funny, I don't know why I'm not as depressed anymore, but having a girlfriend certainly helps. The truth is, I made a decision to ask her out, but I already knew she was interested in me because I have a more normie friend who tries to help me.
So, in the end, it seems like I can't say that there is a way out other than luck. But you've gotta be ready to act on that luck.
>>29179294
this is going to sound weird, but you should go to church. People at church are super friendly and a lot of times they have outings after church. Also religion is a good way to get outside of yourself, even if you know it's all bullshit. My plan if my life goes to shit is to just become super religious and start going to AA meetings.
>>29181104
This sort of pissing match doesn't matter in the end, because after a while, you get used to anything, and you end up with your default mental state, whatever that is.
Take it from a depressive who has achieved pretty great things, and who now has chronic medical problems. It's been me all along. I can turn anything into shit.
>2016
>not being a normie
Just do what a normie does and you will become a normie. Its that simple.
>hurr durr i dont like the things normies like
then you will get the things normies dont get. Now you are alone, with no direction in life, and no qt3.14 gf.
Fake it till you make it.
>>29181367
My boy those AA meetings are not what you think.
If you want to go to church fine. But just stay away from the double A meetings.
>>29179294
31 is the perfect age to find a gf. Single girls your age will go out with anyone that has a stable job and treats her right. Get involved with online dating and also do what this anon said:
>>29181367
Also start lifting, it will make you an even greater catch for chicks your age, AND. AND endorphins are one of the greatest antidepressants in my experience.
>>29181394
Why do you say that? My mother is in AA and she has not only been sober for 9 years because of it, she has also met many of her closest friends.
Life is a bitch, sure, but i really dont know why do you guys hate it so much.
Why cant you just enjoy personal experiences? Why the need of intimacy? I mean, its great, but is it THAT important? I see everyone putting the entire worth of life in love when there are so many other things to experience. Is not that im saying you are wrong, is just that i dont get it.
>>29181465
>Life is a bitch, sure, but i really dont know why do you guys hate it so much.
Okay I'm going to say something which people don't like to hear, but I believe it's 100% true.
If you believe you will live forever, you won't be depressed.
If you believe you won't live forever, you will be depressed.
Depression is a sort of analysis paralysis caused by the belief that you have only finite time to spend, and you're wasting it.
>>29181408
I understand that it can be a place to meet people. But they keep tabs on you. You might not know it but the town you are in will make sure that you don't fuck around too much.
I know this is going to sound like some paranoid /x/ shit, but trust me do not go to that meeting. The people there are linked to Masons who will do the tab keeping. If you so happen to drink too much one time or even just say something you shouldn't, they will fuck your life so hard it's unbelievable. If you sense that there is people following you or bugging your house its fucking over. No matter where you go they follow.
It happened to one of my friends. He wasn't even a drinker but he still got fucked.
Basically the meetings are a front for a society cleansing system. If you can't keep your shit together, if you have mental condition, if you drink etc they will deem you unsuitable to live and gaslight the shit out of you.
TLDR; stay the fuck out. Save your self
>>29181504
I live knowing ill dissapear and im still happy
>>29181545
Yeah there are a lot of people like that. But honestly I think that they just haven't really thought through what that means.
This is why depression is correlated with intelligence. Intelligent people are more likely to accidentally notice what their beliefs imply.
>>29181568
No, when i first realized i was going to dissapear i had depression for one year or so.
But then after thinking a lot i realized i was ok with it. I still consider my life a gift to be enjoyed.
>>29181367
Ex-christcuck here.
Religious people can be super FAKE AS FUCK.
Alot of them are nice people but there are some awful people there too.
Honestly find a hobby/thing that you love. If it happens to be religion so be it, but doing stuff you enjoy with other people is legit fun. Doesn't matter if it's vidya or sports or whatever.
You can be a complete outlier for their demographic but as long as you are decent person most normies legitimately don't care.
>>29181590
I think you were right the first time. Children immediately recognise what death means. It means there is no reason to act.
It's obvious why the one feature of religion that spreads like wildfire, is the idea that death isn't really important.
Now I happen to believe this is actually true, but even if it wasn't, people would fool themselves into believing it.
>>29181518
Not buying what you're selling m8. I think you're just a paranoid weirdass desu, no backing for anything youre saying.
>>29181398
>Single girls your age will go out with anyone that has a stable job and treats her right.
You must have not dated in this age range yet. Girls still act exactly the same at 30+.
But rest of your post is good stuff.
>>29181630
Can't say I really blame you. The evidence is very hard to get. You just know it when it happens.
The main reason why it's so difficult to figure out is because so many people are involved.
While it is easy to just label people as paranoid or crazy for saying stuff like I did, you have to keep in mind that truth can be stranger than fiction.
And calling these people "paranoid" is what higher powers want you to say. They don't want any interference with what is going on. And they want to prevent truth from getting out.
The people labeled as paranoid etc are basically fucked. just because they say something odd doesn't mean they are paranoid. But since everyone sees the truth teller as paranoid the truth gets ignored.
Take it with a grain of salt if you will. In my opinion you don't need religion to be happy.
>>29179294
As a fun exercise sit and think about all the cool stuff you would be able to do today if you started ten years ago
Even going at a slow pace by now you could have learned 2 different skills to the point of being really good at them, you could have gotten any degree studying really slowly, have taken a business off the ground
But you kept telling yourself it's too late now continiously every day for ten years and now it is too late
So all you have left is search for the complicity of 18 year olds because life slowly took anyone your age away in favor of something else and you are what's left, a leftover human
>>29179294
Have you ever been truly happy, OP?
If you know what happiness is, then keep that memory until it is found once again. What you are trying does not work.
It's easy for me to say because I have not ever known real happiness.
