I still haven't stopped but now it's a resigned inevitability instead of a flare of genuine rebellious instinct. Feels pretty bad.

Wish I killed myself when I was a teenager because it made more sense then and the feelings were more genuine. I wasn't as corrupted and thoughtless.

>>29168728
I never started. I wish something killed me all the time, but I can't bring my family a shame by killing myself. Especially that I have 3 younger siblings.

>>29168728
>>29168748
>>29168841


if you are depressed for a year or 5 you just dont care anymore about dying, you just ride it out.

After a few years you have learned it doesnt matter much if you either live or die

I was always depressed and suicidal but after all these years I just stopped feeling/caring

I dont know

It doesnt matter if I die now or in 50 years

>>29168728
>I miss the feelings that came with being suicidal.
I don't believe that. Maybe you weren't really suicidal.

One of the best moments and feelings I ever had was while lying in bed for 6 months and wanting to die. There has been a standout moment. I remember lying sideways, covered with a blanket and feeling sleepy. A special kind of sleepy. It felt like the sleepiness covered me like the blanket. I could almost feel it all over my body. It was that feeling you get when you're really tired and about to fall asleep. My thoughts stopped and all I could feel was the heavy sleepiness covering me. The feeling lasted quite long. I didn't fall asleep.

I do miss it now and I regret not somehow peacefully dying in that moment.

It stops every night when I fall asleep.

It starts again every morning when I wake up

>>29169057
Then you don't know the hell of feeling absolutely nothing. Hopefully, you never do.

>>29168728
I went through EEG Biofeedback therapy when I was 20. I tried to kill myself when I was 16 but I started bring suicidal at 12. I tried every antidepressant available in 2008 and I got nothing but bad side effects. My life has continued to improve after I had the therapy.

>>29169057
I believe it. I like being sad, it's all I know, it's comfortable.

>>29168728

Spend a lot of time watching tv, movies, and reading books. I always want to find out what happens next, so no reason to end it.

>>29168728
I've never wanted to stop. But the suicidal feeling has gone from a sharp pain to a dull ache, so it's at least tolerable now, if not just as debilitating. Though, the ache has steadily increased over the years, so I might just pull the trigger (so to speak) one day. I am, more or less, just waiting for something to come along and get me out of this hole or for something to finally push me over the edge.

Today has been one of those days where I was almost pushed over the edge, but it wasn't a full push, of course.

>>29169057
i totally agreee with op, it was like you had a direction, a goal to achieve. Right now everything seems still so pointless but i am also lacking the power to do anything about it

>>29169252
This

>>29169384
When the dull ache itself dies you'll realize you've actually already died with it and suicide becomes a redundancy

>>29169310
I know that feeling...


I don't think I actually know how to be happy

I found someone who sells Cyanide on the dark web, anyone here who has any expirience or knowledge with it?

When I was 14 (I call this me the Maximus autism year) I was an atheist that hated everything and wanted to kill myself because a girl didn't like me (I know autistic af)
When I turned 15 I forgot about this shit, I started high school and spent the next 2 and a half years being happy and enjoying life
Then I moved to a city full of assholes and I was lonely all the time and wanted to kill myself because I thought I wouldn't achieve anything in my life with no friends, screwing up in school
So I decided to move away and got a place for myself, and got into college, during this time I struggled hard but I didn't have any suicidal thoughts, I got some friends and I'm living fine I guess

>>29169698
I'm 22 now and I enjoy life, things get better