I think I've lived too many lives.
too many to be able to maintain friends or relationships.
>spent my childhood listening to rap (with my dad and on TV)
>Coolio, 2Pac, Eminem were my favorites
>at this point, already in love with math and mostly play RPGs
>some friends in elementary school
>still kinda nerdy though
>pokemon master
>professional Gundam model builder
>favorite shirt has DBZ characters on it
>best friend's older brother molests me a several occasions
>this makes him the third and final person to do this to me in my life
>2 male, non-family. 1 female family member.
>sixth grade
>get into Taking Back Sunday and Something Corporate
>seventh grade
>queue the emo and post-hardcore
>going to a lot of emo and pop-punk shows
>shopping at hot topic
>wearing those dumb Zelda sweatbands on my wrists
>eighth grade
>lots of acne
>start getting handjobs, fingering girls, etc. though
>getting really into stuff like The Used (early releases)
>wearing long-sleeve, collared, dress shirts
>with band tees over top of them
>green and black chuck taylors
>typical lame junior high emo kid
should I keep going?..
GIVE ME SPACE SO O CAN BREATHE
>>29050414
>ninth grade
>bad break-up
>friend says you can get fucked up on Benadryl
>never did drugs before
>get to the point where I'm taking 16 or more almost every night
>even school nights
>unrelated to Benadryl, get invited to some hardcore and punk shows
>smoke weed for the first time
>quit Benadryl after 5 months of being a zombie
>shaved head
>camo shorts
>hardcore band tees every day
>Nikes on my feet
>hanging with kids I've known for a while, but never got close before
>they're a collection of:
>soon-to-be dropouts
>wannabe skaters
>eventual prison inmates
>hopeful musicians
>and there's me: ex-emo honors kid with an interest in drugs and chaos
>summer before tenth grade
>start smoking cigarettes
>experiment with vicodin and other pills
>tenth grade
>no idea what suboxone is
>but I try a little
>holy fuck
>meet this girl and she takes care of me, puking, nodding out
>new girlfriend
>lose virginities to each other a month later
>find out how much I love cheating on girls
>becoming more and more of a hardcore asshole like my friends
>they like to have me around because I can help with drug math
>also for general tech knowledge + other random knowledge
>they also like me around as an emotional punching bag
>they get strangely defensive when any "guests" to the group try to pick on me
>am little bro
>also, actually a fairly small dude. short but not at all chubby
>eleventh grade
>dating girls and cheating on them regularly
>trying a wider variety of drugs
>still mostly prescription at this point
>ambien, cyclobenzaprine, vicodin, oxy, temazepam, tramadol, kpins
>the idea was to try almost everything once
>not well-liked by the other honors kids
>they are mad that I get the same grades because I smoke when they study
>my friends are beating dudes up on the street 3-on-1 at 1PM for talking shit
>I'm in AP Computer Science class
>senior year of HS
>listening to more pop-punk and post-hardcore
>Fireworks, Bangarang, Dance Gavin Dance
>drifting away from hardcore kids because girlfriend
>still cheating, still kind of a dick
>weekend before AP tests
>"wanna try acid?"
>sure why not
>beautiful, eye-opening
>think to self, "maybe should not be such a dick"
>scratch that, still a dick for now
>summer before college
>xannies xannies xannies
>start popping xans and drinking mad robitussin
>finally got to try L again before college, beautiful again
>except, this time I watched 3 of my friends beat up a crack head
>he had abused my buddy's aunt and was trying to do it again
>one kid smashed the crackhead's head open with skateboard trucks
>not pretty
There's a lot of sex and drugs and rambling to come... If you want to hear it. Let me know.
Post a pic of your face op ? Plus I instantly hate people who have had sex in middle high school...fuck them.
>>29050631
I'll lurk sure
>>29050631
>freshman year of college
>away from home
>no more girlfriend
>at this point I've had 3 serious girlfriends in my life
>also have had sex with 7 girls, thanks to cheating
>"I will never cheat again"
>join a fraternity with a reputation as the stoner/skater frat
>listening to all sorts of whack shit
>Tyler The Creator and other rap that I don't like anymore
>also had a dubstep phase for less than a month...
>probably because of the drugs I was doing
>good e and good molly, monthly acid, decent coke, and lots of benzos
>go home for Thanksgiving break
>prescription-fueled-threesome with one of my ex's and her best friend
>during freshman year
>do DMT for the first time
>beautiful, warm, welcoming experience
>not what I expected though
>reflect on life during the next few months
>start hating myself for so much sex but no emotional connections
>feel like an outcast at this university
>everyone is a major gym bro with hella school spirit
>get made fun of for skinny jeans sometimes
>quit benzos because addiction was digging in
>start splitting oxy 80s with a pal
>>29050976
>sophomore year
>listening to a ton of Modest Mouse and Animal Collective
>become the buds/molly/addy supplier of the frat house
>occasionally do smalls amounts of mescaline
>acid stash is strictly personal, but everyone wants
>appease everyone by giving them mushrooms
>most of the dudes ate them on the same day
>that was a fun day
>my oxy pal and his gf eventually move to dope
>they're shooting it
>fuckthat.gifv
>snort it
>sometimes mix with coke
>feels good
>sophomore year was a bad year academically
>did not get kicked out of school
>dad was pissed though and made me transfer
>gotta live at home until I graduate
>>29051198
>year three of college
>finally have time for music again
>for a minute there, I lost myself
>getting into stuff like Algernon Cadwallader
>feeling bad for myself, living at home sucks
>hanging out at this trap house all the time
>the kid who lives there is nice to me
>hooks me up with fat sacks of bud
>likes having me around for drug math and for general knowledge
>oxy 30s are rampant in my hometown
>so are kpins and xannies
>home sweet home
>hooking up with a bunch of girls
>the girls I really like never want relationships
>year four of college
>doing really well in school
>almost all A and A-
>occasional B
>been playing in some screamo bands with my hardcore friends from HS
>mostly inspired by:
>pg99, city of caterpillar, majorityrule, hot cross
>friends also stopped being such major dicks
>mostly because of acid and mushrooms
>get the DMT hookup
>mostly save it for the end of my acid trips and to share with friends
>the local doctors who write oxy scripts all get busted on the same day
>everyone moves to dope over the next few months
>resist for a while, but the taste of brown sugar is too tempting
>still never EVER used a needle
actually just found out I have a deviated septum from that garbage
>start getting tattoos (american traditional)
>this one girl really likes me
>she isn't very pretty, but she's cool and has an okay body
>she's also not very smart, which is the biggest problem for me
>settle for her anyway
>she never notices that I'm on opiates
>tell her I love her
>at this point, acid connect is amazing and becoming good friends
>>29051230
>fifth (final) year of college
>getting kind of sick of Animal Collective
>strongly prefer Godspeed, Do Make Say Think, Yndi Halda
>try to break up with girlfriend
>she swears we can make it work
>tell her about the dope
>"if that's what you really want, maybe I could be okay with it."
>what the fuck????
>even I see the red flag here
>she didn't care
>she was just happy to be with me because I'm the best she would ever do
>it took about a week, but we did break up
>during that week, I did cheat on her
>I don't fully count it since I already tried breaking up
>still doing dope
>know all the right people
>be not intimidating at all
>be very helpful
>suddenly these shady dudes don't just trust me, they love me
>hanging out daily with 2 of the 3 biggest dope dealers in town
>they had mounds of dope sitting on glass
>they would slice off a "bump" for me every hour or so
>these bumps were fatter than what they sold in a bag
>all for free, just because I was good at drug math and folding bags
>try many times to quit
>everyone I know does it, how can I escape?
>realize that my sophomore year didn't fuck up my overall GPA that bad
>realize that I can move the fuck out of my home town
>realize that I can escape this dark circle that I've been pulled into
>New Year 2015
>quit dope
>still doing lots of acid, DMT, K, Sass
>graduate from college in May
>already have a job lined up working in IT at a university
>starting to have a lot of tattoos
>have had sex with 26 girls total
>still can't find a decent girl to date
>making one close friend though
>acid connect is a really great dude
>very deep conversations
>he tells me that I am his brother
>>29051230
>move to big new city
>Tinder is actually a thing here
>sex sex sex
>I'm getting booty called often
after nearly a year in this big city, I've brought the total number of girls/women I've had sex with to an even 40
>wish I had a pimp so I could make money
>wish even more that one of these girls would spend the night at least
>I am a cuck's dream
>seriously, girls with boyfriends are my forte, it seems
>I hate it, but whatever, who cares
>acid connect's girlfriend needs to get out of town
>she moves into my apartment
>connect loses his connect
>within a month, I'm fucking his gf
>eventually things get too complicated
>he moves to the city too, so she moves out of my place
>they both hate me
>fuck em
>buy a house
>>29051305
>living here for a week now
>pretty sure this is where I lose it
>no matter how well things go, everybody leaves
>I'll ultimately be alone
>and it's like, the better things get
>the worse it is when things go bad
>and things always go bad
>I've worn all kinds of masks
>I've followed every single step listed in didactic manuals
>I sat up straight
>I prayed to god
>I dressed my shutters in matching paint
>I pressed my nose to the grindstone
>I did everything I was told
>I rubbed elbows with elite, but
>I still feel so empty
I don't do any drugs now, aside from alcohol and weed
I am cutting back on the buds
I can't make friends here
I am not worth anyone's time
I am a bad seed
I am only good for helping others
I care about every person I meet
I will never have that reciprocated
It's hard for me to figure out the cause of my despair and my years of wanting to die
Maybe the constant drug abuse?
It's possible that the drugs are a result of being molested
Maybe that's what started all of this
Maybe I was bound to it from birth
Maybe it was the time in 9th grade when I pledged my soul to satan
Maybe I have a chemical imbalance
Maybe extensive psychedelic use has sent me over the edge
Am I happy being alone?
I want a wife and children
Am I fit for that?
Should I just jump now and get it over with?
>>29050766
Maybe I will. Gonna eat lunch first though
