>be a depressed hikikomori for 5 years
>do nothing but read high brow bullshit, study kernel level programming, and care for my pupper
>finally get kicked out by parents and find some shitty entry level software job
>haven't cut my hair in 1.5 years, have lifeless eyes, and never smile
>2 months into the job a scene girl who works in HR tries to become my friend
>awkwardness_ensues.gif
>spill spaghetti multiple times despite not being interested in relationships due to low self esteem
>she doesn't react to my autism negatively
>we become close friends
>eventually start dating
>1 year later
>she leaves me because "we aren't compatible"
>my mind is fucked
>feel like my life just ended
I'm on the verge of going back to my old habits right now. I don't even know why I made this thread, but I used to come here years back so I feel likes it's an old home.
Don't come back here traitor....you betray the khv NEET brotherhood and now you want back. GET OUT!!
wanna skype I'm bored
>>28945093
Yikes
>>28945099
Thanks, but I don't think I'm up to it right now
>>28945188
well, don't be a hikikomori again man. If you want to throw away your life, don't waste it in your room, go on a fucking adventure. Leave your shit life behind and be free - the song Fuck It by Daze and Days comes to mind. it's folk punk though and most people hate that genre
>>28945255
I have no energy left. I have no direction. I can't think of anything that I would find adventurous. I don't do well in crowds. I don't even have any friends. I'll take what you said to heart though and mull it over. I do appreciate the nice words.
I listened to the song. Reminds me of Pat the Bunny, pretty gud.
>>28945392
eyy I love pat the bunny... you should check out ramshackle glory. He made that band and it sounds pretty good too.
I used to have no direction either, and I guess I still don't. I just gotta fill my hours, and I've found something that can sorta do that - lifting weights and crushing on my straight best friend
but...but.... but kernel level programming is fun
>>28945460
Yeah I like ramshackle glory. Sucks to hear your oneitis is your best friend. Only cause it'll hurt if they get into a relationship, but I guess it does sound cozy otherwise.
>>28945491
Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
>>28945729
man, you gotta promise you won't go back to being a hikikomori. Cause if you do, I will find you, and I will beat you up :P
Do you like ghost mice?
>>28945784
I can't stay at this job though. I can't bear seeing her. What kills me the most is how friendly she's stayed despite leaving me. She still acts just as kindly towards me as always; it throws me off so much. I guess she still wants to be friends, and she did become my best friend over this time but I honestly don't think I can take it. I think it's time to leg it, I sure as hell won't get over this any time soon and her being so nice isn't helping.
And yeah I do like ghost mice. The name reminds me of the field mice which is another good band, though I don't know if you'd like them. I personally love them.
>>28945980
aw cute rabbit haha... wanna take this to skype so it's easier? we can type. I'm snnd100. I hate the captcha!
>>28946009
I appreciate it, I truly do. But sorry man, I'm really not up to it. I'm in a bad place mentally right now. Venting on the anonymous boards is nice because there's no commitment. Taking it on skype would make me self concious; like I said, I have no friends and I would hate it if I got attached to your company. It just doesn't seem like a good idea.
I hope you're not offended, because you seem like a genuinely good person.
>>28945491
The best part about kernel level programming is trying to create a modern Lisp OS and trying to implement a heavily optimized Lisp runtime environment, garbage collection, type checking, ect. at a low level.
There is a reason why it took a shit ton of hackers from the MIT AI labs to make the original Lisp Machines.
Also, fuck process scheduling and interrupts.
>>28946191
aw thanks man :)
well, my advice is to just switch jobs if it pains you too much, or maybe jus avoid her at the workplace. and who knows, I may like the field mice! I'm pretty open to lots of music
I was exactly where you are now about two years ago OP.
It's the worst feeling ever. You've been alone for so long that you give up on the idea that anyone could ever like you, really like you, and then suddenly someone does. And then just as you get comfortable feeling like a real human being, feeling like something other than a robot that exists for no reason, the person leaves you. You have no idea how to make it happen again. You're just lost, and you're not sure it's possible to go back to being a robot, because at least back then you didn't know what you were missing.
Now I'm fine. There are other women out there. There are much better women out there. You will find love again, and this time it will be much realer, because you will understand it more, and you will be able to participate in it more consciously. It's hard to describe.
Don't give up on your new life. I know you feel like shit right now, but I absolutely promise and guarantee you that it's only temporary. Your heart went for a long time without any sustenance, and then it was allowed to eat until it burst, and then the food was taken away again. It's lashing out and bombarding you with emotions and desperate impulses because it doesn't understand. It will calm down, and things will get better. Just ignore those feelings. Don't try to find an inner logic to them, or make the breakup "make sense," or turn this girl into the center of your whole existence. That's your heart trying to convince you to tie a neat little bow on things, to make the pain go away. That's not how it works.
>>28946315
Op, I'm the guy you are chatting with and I agree with this dude that just posted this
>>28946229
Maybe I'll be adventurous like you said and apply to some job across the country; I've spent my whole life on the east coast.
I love the field mice a lot, all of their songs are catchy. It's too bad their discography is so small. Anyway, thanks for the chat anon. Hope you sleep well tonight
>>28945058
I dunno, no one tried to become my friend in all the jobs I've had, all the volunteering I've done, all the organizations I've joined, and so on. and whenever I try to make the first move for friendship I get shut down
that's how I knew I was a permarobot. maybe I'm just ugly. but I think you still had it better than most people here.
>>28946381
ah, yeah I'm in Maryland - east coast too haha! I'll check out the band, and sleep well man. Dream of freedom and adventure and shit. personally, I wanna be a hobo riding through the Midwest :P
night!
>>28946315
It's amazing how perfectly you described that. I'm overly analytical and to be honest the whole situation lowered my self esteem, immensely. I was finally getting comfortable with being uncomfortable and being my awkward self. I don't want other girls right now, I'm still fixated on her and I know I just need time to get over it. But right now I'm filled with emotions and am probably being incoherent.
My brain is all fuzzy but I'm gonna save your post to a text file and read it over again tomorrow.
>>28946336
Yeah, I'm really able to relate with what he said
