>Be 18
>Mother and father love me so much
>They fight so hard for me and love me and constantly worry about me
>Sacrificed both of their lives for me and my brother
>My father has health problems while mother does too but not as bad
>Both constantly stressed, just for me
>So fucked up in the head (Inb4 2edgy)
>So fucking autistic and weird, can't talk to people, can't be like people, I'm barely a fucking person anymore
>I'm far above average intelligence and could be very good looking if I just fucking tried but my brain is making me wallow in my own depression and loneliness constantly
>Want to succeed so hard for mom and dad
>Hate myself so fucking much I can barely get out of bed
>They still hope for me and talk about how I will do great things
>Play along but I know I will just end up mental or in a noose in the next 2 years
I don't know what to do /r9k/. I really don't. I haven't had a close friend in years and years and all I want is to do good for my mom and dad. I just needed to vent robots. I love you all
How did you end up a robot with supportive parents?
What broke you?
>>28801633
My own mind. I feel like a fried computer. I can't connect with other people, I try to be normal. I suppress what makes me weird and it doesn't work. I'm always a fucking outcast. I'm so addicted to the computer and I'm so tired of it all. I want to yell this at the first person I know and love but I can't, I feel embarrassed about literally everything that I do. I try to be optimistic but I can't.
>>28801682
>I suppress what makes me weird and it doesn't work. I'm always a fucking outcast.
But, why anon?
It's very atypical for those without debilitating mental disorders or psychological trauma to end up damaged to this point.
Have you been to a psychologist? You may have some kind of personality disorder and not know it.
>>28801713
I tested highly for schizoid personality disorder in every kind of test I've done so far, specifically schizoid personality disorder. I really don't know man. I'd do anything at this point. I don't want to hurt my parents. I love them so much and I want to make what they did for me worth it.
>>28801614
I had similar feelings when it came to talking to people.Last year after I graduated I felt completely fucked. I couldnt talk to people, I was weird, etc. I never went out, I never did anything because I was afraid that I would say something weird or creepy. But our youth is precious, and I knew I would grow out of my awkwardness sooner or later. I just didn't want it to be in my 40's when I'm past my prime.
So I started forcing myself into these situations. I went to stores and bought things just to talk to the cashier. I paid for my gas with cash instead of using a card, so that I had to go inside. I called friends I hadnt talked to in months and forced myself to make plans with them.
I never applied to college because I didnt want four more years of such a social environment. But now I regret that. I ended up signing up for and EMT course and now I'm about to finish it. Just by that alone I've forced myself into dozens of social interactions. And although I'm still very uncomfortable, slowly I'm getting better.
Basically, OP, I'm just saying that you're focused too much on yourself now and then, and not what you can be in the future. You need to start taking baby steps, no matter how small, because moving an inch a day is better than not moving at all. Get used to embarrassment and learn not to give a shit (admittedly a very hard thing to do.) Instead of pretending to be normal, embrace yourself now, while striving to improve. But never hide who you are. You need to get out of your head OP and stop worrying while you can.
>>28801898
>>28801735
Fuck, this doesn't exactly look good. I'll probably see a therapist.
>>28801614
at least your parents are supportive and didn't pit you and your brother against each other like mine did with us...
I'm jelly
>>28801614
the saddest thing about natural selection is that it takes a life time of pain for our genes to vanish. In the wild it only takes a minute
>>28801614
It's the only way out, anon. A lifetime of pain isn't worth it.
OP, you need to see a psychologist ASAP. Mental illness is no joke, and the sooner you can get help the sooner your life will start improving. Godspeed.
>>28801682
Anon if you had figured out how people worked you would still be alone. Sure you would have 'company' but not the real kind of company the bad kind which only makes you feel so much more lonely.
Being by yourself is FAR better then being in bad company. I speak from experience as i obsessively studied social dynamics and people allowing me to fake my way into being 'normal' even oddly charming. Somehow ended up a social butterfly of all fucking things but that was my limit. I couldn't do anything deep if I tried all it did was make people hate me because they feel 'tricked' when they notice and worse when the detect the wrongness. I soon find myself stuck with only a taste and knowing what EXACTLY I was missing. I could only maintain the charade for so long.
It was hell.
It didn't make anything better. All it did was make everything far worse and worse yet I went too far. I couldn't go back anymore thereby I found myself trapped in a hell of my own making.
and there was no escape.
It doesn't get better if you 'appear' normal all it does is make other people feel better about themselves and your less a 'burden' in exchange for immense pressure on you. Its not worth it.
Don't end up like me and trapped in hell of your own creation its fucking nightmare to escape. Just because you wanted to try to fit in or make your family feel better.
Because guess what you wont ever stop being an outcast as soon as people get a whiff of the real you they'll turn on you in a heartbeat without fail. Meanwhile your family whom your hoping to feel proud wont.
They'll just be relieved that their weirdo of a kid is bit less of a burden on them.
ITS NOT FUCKING WORTH IT. All you get is a fuckton of pressure unending and feeling far more lonely then you did actually being alone. but even worse because now you'll KNOW what exactly you missing out on, because you'll get a taste but nothing more and forced to watch.
I fucked up now in hell of my own making with no escape
>>28801614
Hey anon.
I read your post, and it is almost a word for word description of my life at the moment, and for the past year or so.
I'm also 18.
I just hope you know you're not alone, and what's happening to you is not just happening to you.
I'm getting therapy, and it's helping somewhat, but to be honest, I know 100% of the work to improve myself is done by myself, not others.
And just like you, I am not motivated at all, and can barely get out of bed most days, just always on my comp.
I do feel optimistic about the future though, I realise my own potential, just as you realise yours.
Life is different for everyone.
Just because we had a different experience of being 18 to others, it doesn't mean this is a life sentence.
We can improve, and I believe when you're ready, you will.
Therapy has helped me somewhat, maybe you could look into that.
Good luck anon.
>>28801986
Nigga how the fuck are you both dependent and avoidant? You're intentionally answering to be OMG SO SPOOKY
>>28801986
>taking tumblr-tier online quizzes
>>28801614
>>28801614
Yeah, they love you.
But their caretaking behavior is part of the same system as your depression and isolation.
Not saying it's their fault any more than it's yours.
Just saying that they're never really going to help you change.
You'll change when you want it for yourself. Not for them.
I'm in a pretty similar situation. 18, parents care a lot, I've basically stayed alive just for them. Had a couple mental hospital stays, and on some pretty heavy meds. Still depressed as fuck half the time. I've recognized that I can't live sober. That's life.
>>28801614
>>28801682
I know this feel, OP. All me save some minor details.
>>28801986
That doesn't mean shit. Go take the MMPI or something.
op,
I'm a 37 yo khhv and was, and in some ways still am, like you.
I don't know your particulars, but in the end, don't worry about not being able to connect to others.
you'll do fine in life even as robot as long as you get out there and put in effort.
you may not get the best job. or the best gf/wife.
but you will find success in those things if you're as smart as you say and can also put in the effort.
all my best to you.
