At what age did you realise you were not a normie? Was it a slow process or did a particular event open your eyes to your autism?
I knew there was something wrong in High School. In elementary, a lot of things can be passed off as quirks...Teenager are horrible, however.
I was not normie from birth, due to watching home videos as me as a baby and young child. It want until about 8-10 that I became conscious of it.
I'm 28 now and have a very clear memory.
>>28669818
The realization hit in first grade. I got "asked out" by a girl and it later turned out to be a huge prank. I'm still not able to build relationships with women more than a decade later. I've about given up.
>>28669818
5-6th grade.
I started getting fat and growing my hair out in 5th grade and getting socially isolated but still had friends
6th grade is when the depression kicked in from being bullied
8th grade through high school is when it really started becoming noticeable though, I lost the weight and cut my hair over the summer of 8th grade but I was still socially isolated because my social skills pretty much disappeared
>>28669818
Before the end of elementary school.
>>28669891
It's like they have a playbook of cruelty. That same situation happened to me, a number of grades after yours.
>>28669891
1st grade was only a decade ago for you?
What the hell is the average age on this board? 1st grade for me as back in 1992 or some shit.
>>28669956
I said more than a decade. I probably should have just said I'm 22 now.
It took a long time for me to notice, everybody else knew pretty quickly though. I got picked on and i thought it was normal, like I'd show them in the end like in movie. I got sent to therapy as a kid and thought that was pretty normal too. Then life sort of passed me by, like all of these things that are supposed to happen (sex, education, good job, family, happiness, etc.) never came to fruition.
>>28669818
I always knew I was "different", but watching and hearing myself on video in seventh grade is what made me realize I was "different" in a bad way. Every time I see a photograph of myself it's a shock. I don't want this red face or hunched posture that I have. I don't think of myself the way reality shows me to be.
In hindsight I was never normal. Never really had friends, always ate lunch alone, no one really wanted to associate with me. I don't think I really came to grips with it until my mid 20s though.
>>28669973
nigga first grade is 99 for you then thats 15 fucking years thats a decade and half
>>28669818
I'm not self-aware enough to know that I'm an autist firsthand, but plenty of people have told me that I am one. I feel like a normal person, but apparently I do everything wrong and don't make facial expressions. I think I only started truly realizing it in the past year or two, so when I was 23ish. Not in the sense that I can tell what I'm doing wrong, but in the sense that I know I can't trust my own perception of how I'm acting. Intuitively I still feel like how I act and talk is fine, but on a rational level I know it's probably not, I just can't see it.
I was going to school in California. It was at that time that I realized they had nothing for me.
It was early on 1st or 2nd grade when I realized I was different, then delusion for years before I came to terms with it
>>28669818
7th grade. Suddenly everyone started talking about events I'd never been invited to, friend groups became cliqueish and closed off and much smaller, everyone had a girlfriend and were experimenting with holding hands and kissing and all that shit. The slow realization that I'm undesirable as my amount of "friends" shrank down to 0. It just got worse with each year. By my 10th grade year there was no ignoring the massive gulf between me and society, I remember things like a rich chad bought out a night club for his birthday party and walked around the class handing flyers to everyone indidually. He invited literally everyone else in the classroom except me. He actually looked at me for a second to consider it before moving on. The teacher allowed it to happen because he was chad and she was attracted to him. By the end of my 11th grade year I was no longer a member society, by the end of my senior year I had left humanity behind entirely. No clue what the fuck I am now, but I'm not human.
>>28670238
I wish I had been smart enough to realize what was going on when this happened to me. I was always wondering how the hell everyone knew each other at the beginning of the school year. I figured they just made friends really fast, and I wasn't there to see it happen. But I never saw it happen, so I was just really confused as to where all these friendships came from. I eventually concluded they must all live in the same neighborhood.
>>28670297
Now that you mention it, I think I was the same. It took me a while to realize. I don't think I realized the full extent immediately, and just how much I was being excluded from. I don't think the truth fully hit me until I dropped acid one day my 10th grade year. Then reality hit me like a sack of bricks.
The age of 8 was when I first noticed how uncomfortable some of my natural actions make people, so I became a social chameleon. I don't understand how people can lack self-awareness to such a degree that they can't adapt to fit in with those around them
>>28670429
Try being a massive sperg
>>28670238
this
in middle shcool i was still unironically harboring ideas that when i'm in high school maybe i'll get a gf but i'm a 22 year old khhv neet
I kind of awakened to it during middle school. It wasn't real self awareness that I was different but something was definitely 'off'. I would go to the cafeteria and felt incredibly uncomfortable. One day I felt sick and went to the nurses office, and they had a small couch in there. I was happier on that couch then any other day in school. From then on I realized I was happiest by myself and I spent all my free time either in the nurse office, the library or even one of the empty classrooms. I've probably spent more time alone then any other human being except older robots. Serious
>>28670429
You probably have some amount of social intelligence. Other people (like myself) have very little. Sort of like how some people just can't grasp math problems, and always come up with the wrong answer even if they try very hard. If an autist tries to mimic a normie, he won't look like a normie; he'll just look like an autist mimicking one.
I think around fourth or fifth grade I realized. Was extremely obsessed with Club Penguin for about two years to the point that it was all I obsessed over. The fact that my core group of friends was two and three grades below me was also a sign that my parents aptly pointed out at times.
I think it became fully known when my birthday during sixth grade consisted of a sleepover with my best friends who were a fourth grader and two third graders.
>>28670500
I never thought of it that way. my affliction is ASPD. I have no problem getting people to like me, the issue is I am dead inside and feel nothing for them.
I do not particuarly enjoy my life, but I can't imagine the suffering one with sever autism must go through
I had some experiences that, in hindsight, should have been pretty telling. Here in school, between the final exams and the last day of school, you get a week off. When I was fifteen, I spent most of this (sunny) week inside playing videogames, when I came back to school, everyone was nicely tanned (some guy even remarked that I looked pale) and a lot of class mates were talking about a party Stacey had held at her house (of which I had no idea whatsoever). I had a massive crush on her, so I tried to say 'goodbye' and 'have a nice summer' in the hallway, but she straight up ignored me.
I probably spent that summer, like many before it, completely alone. It just didn't occur to me to even invite a friend over (I have always had 3-4 good close friends). Everyday I played videogames, spent some time outside, but always alone.
One more instance was earlier in that school year, the same Stacey asked me if I was going to a festival. Being fifteen at the time, I hadn't even thought of going, let alone asking my parents if I could. She just laughed when I said 'no' and asked why. It may seem insignificant, but at that time I felt completely out of touch with her and my peers.
First day of 1st grade my mom dropped me off 30 minutes early before school started. I ended up playing on the playground alone and then when the bell rang and all the other kids went inside, I stayed outside and continued to play by myself. An hour later a staff member brought me inside and took me to my class. From that point onward I was fucked.
>>28669989
>I don't think of myself the way reality shows me to be.
holy shit man, I'm the exact same way. I know *what* facial expressions to make, and I feel internally like I'm making them, but in reality it never comes off as intended.
what fucking affliction is this? I don't think it's aspergers (I can understand social cues/emotions/sarcasm/etc), I just can't express myself properly from a physical/tonal standpoint. I feel like I *am* expressing myself properly but whenever I see myself firsthand it looks and sounds blatantly off
Around the time I was 10-11. People were talking about getting girlfriends. I went home and played in the woods.
When I entered High school with no friends and lacked the ability to make them.
>>28670702
>(I can understand social cues/emotions/sarcasm/etc)
If you're like I was, you probably aren't understanding as much as you think you are. Normie social interaction has multiple layers, so while you may understand things superficially, they'll still know something's off about you. Think about it this way: your idea of how you look is different from how you actually look. Your idea of how you interact with people may be different from reality as well.
When I was about 6 I think. I remember a few people asking me why I was walking around alone and I didnt really know what to respond since I didnt think it was strange
Then I started being called "weird" during middle school and high school, but somehow I managed to have some people I could hang out with every now and then. Though they all still called me weird. I still dont know what I do or did that made me "weird".
I always sort of knew I wasn't normal but I can remember the moment it solidified in my adolescent mind.
First day of highschool, walking around with my best friend from elementary school and watching myself unable to connect with or even speak with anyone he was chatting up. I slowly drifted away from that friend over the course of highschool to the point where he wouldn't even acknowledge me if we passed in the hallway. But that first day, talking to girls and seeing something hollow in their eyes, not being able to read them, or keep their attention, talking to guys and seeing them all look down on me, immediate judgements of me as a lower breed, a dismissal of me, sideways glances while talking to my friend like I was some hanger on ...
>>28670803
Ah you were that awkward tag-along, truly the worst position to hold in society.
>>28670821
posts like these make me think of /r9k/ as a place for ghosts
we sit here all day, and talk about how we died
>>28670821
No... I adapted fairly quickly to neither being wanted around nor wanting to be around myself. I knew kids who followed the jocks around in hopes of becoming accepted, but I never really wanted that. I was uncomfortable around the normal kids and I would rather just spend my time alone in breaks and head home as soon as school ended. It made me sad to be so lonely but I had no delusions that the solution was learning to fit in with the normals.
But in those first days I suppose I was that awkward tag-along
I have always been described as weird. Even before I knew what weird meant I was a 'weird kid'. I have a million stories about how weird I was, but the best time was when my kindergarten teacher tried to use my scrapbook full of drawings and stories from video games as evidence I was some kind of psychopath. That was a great time.
As far back as I can remember I've always thought of myself as an observer and never a participator.
>>28670958
Do you remember what your drawings were? Or from what games?
Anyways, that doesn't sound weird so much as artistic. Do you still do art?
>>28669818
>Be young watching animes with older brother
>Going to catholic school since kindergarten
>Graduate after 8th grade and go into a public highschool
> I lived in brooklyn my whole life.
>Discovered people having sex, smoking, and lowkey shootouts in the area.
I dropped out.
3rd grade, breaking down in tears one day because I had no friends. Turning into a recluse actually worked for a little while, but internet forums kind of ruined me.
Honestly don't remember, I know it was from an early age though, definitely before the end of elementary school.
Slow and painful process, but I learned to accept it
>>28669818
When I was in Kindergarten.
I lived in rural Wisconsin, and I HATED football. I kept making fun of football and The Green Bay Packers (Football team). I also had an extreme obsession with Mega Man, and would pretend that I was Mega Man at recess by myself in the forest. Kids would bully me for hating the packers.
By first grade, I was obese and obsessed with Pokemon.
By 6th grade, I was severely obese, homeschooled and a MASTER on an MMO called "Ragnarok Online". Like a legend on the video game.
By the time I was 15, I had lost all of my weight by skateboarding every day, started playing guitar in bands, and fucking a ton of high school girls.
I regressed back into a robot at the age of 21. I have not had a single friend in 3 years. I don't even give a fuck, I've never been happier.
>>28670980
I used to go around buying those old PC magazines with the collections of shareware games on them. Sometimes I'd buy those big collection discs that were advertised as like 100 in 1 games! Most of them sucked but I used to draw all of the cool ones. I specifically remember her pointing out drawings I did of Jill of the Jungle and a picture of did of two Speedball players bashing the cunt out of each other. I think because Jill of the Jungle has red knives and obviously Speedball is a full contact sport.
All my other stuff was about pretty mundane games and she didn't care about them that much.
>>28671133
Also forgot to mention that I lived in a town with 100 people in it, lived in the forest, and did not talk to a human besides my mom from the ages of 9-14.
>>28671133
>fucked a ton of girls
>>28671158
Yep, fuck yourselves permabots. I went from robot to chad and back to robot.
>>28669818
>middle school
>friendless and violent
>high school
>trying to start fresh
>finds out about larp
>makes lots of friends by fighting them with foam swords
>gets older
>realize we're all authistic
>eventually grow out of larp
>start shitposting on /r9k/ because only feels comfortable interacting with autists
Kindergarten. That was when the bullying began and from that point on it was made very clear to me that I did not belong among the normalfags.
>>28671179
Never talk to me or my father's son ever again.
fifth grade, although think the signs were there since fourth grade.
They put me in the special ed kindergarten. They'd sometimes have us visit normal kindergarten to try and get the normies to play nice with the animals. I got put in normal classes first grade onward, trying to pretend I had been there with the others all along.
I always knew it since even in elementary school I was a weird kid already, and parents would tell their children not to approach me
Also, I thought love was disgusting and wanted to avoid people as much as I could
>>28670702
This hits me pretty hard. I was lucky enough to grow out of whatever this is though.
>>28670702
>>28670071
This is just called being ugly I'm pretty sure
>>28669818
i knew it since early elementary school.
i knew it was irreparable since the first year of high-school, although i held some forlorn hope for college.
i learned the true meaning of "irreparable" at college and dropped out.
>>28670702
>(I can understand social cues/emotions/sarcasm/etc)
You might've artificially learnt such a thing as it is still an acquireable skill, but most likely it's not actually internalized and natural for you as for normal people. You might realize what is such action/interaction supposed to imply or evoke, but this is not even close to being a normal person that has such a system already implemented into the psyche and doesn't need to think about it, because that's just the way they are.
Merely you thinking about social cues is such a way is a testament of how you probably are an assburger that just thinks that he got this part of life figured out, while you will actually never undestand it the way other people do and the fact you have problem with connecting with people on such plane confirms that you probably only think you understand social interactions.
Most people live on this social plane, it's their realm and they usually very easily detect that something's a bit off, they won't realize what it is as it's not something they are familiar with, but they know you're different and will reflect that in their behaviour towards you, thus you have problems getting across what you're trying to communicate as you just have different way of expressing yourself.
It has to do with looks...the good looking and average looking people talk too each other and learn. The ugly,deformed, and overweight are ignored and bullied. "Autism" is a consequence of being ugly basically..
middle school
i realized that i was fat and unattractive. i also started realizing that although i made people laugh, i never actually hung out or got closer to anyone.
damn....
>>28669989
>I don't think of myself the way reality shows me to be
Damn pham. Yeah, that pretty much sums it up. May I ask how old you are now? If you're in your 20s, don't believe the bullshit that this is suppose to be the best time of your life, 30s is where it's at.
>>28670028
That's still more than a decade you fuckwit.
>>28670238
>>28670297
Same. I chalked it up to my interests and shyness as to why nobody approached me or how I was somehow left out of these niches. I talked to people, I had a couple of acquaintances, but I was never in a friend group. It stung to think about it to much in highschool.
I got lucky, I found a group of people now, but I'm constantly afraid that I'm the weak link and they hang out without me.
>>28669818
It took a long time, friend. Throughout elementary school, I did a ton of shit that seemed perfectly natural to me, but was a giant red flag in retrospect. It's pretty sad, but I didn't care that I didn't have any friends, never got invited to parties, and got picked last for teams. It just seemed like bad luck. I didn't put it together.
I apparently even did some grade A autism right before or after Columbine, saying that the best way to find a book in the library would be to blow it up and search through the rubble. I didn't even get that it was a stupid question to test whether I'd been listening through the librarian's presentation. The school freaked out but I was a good student and my parents berated them until it went away.
Ironically, I was really sociable when I didn't realize people resented me. Would go up to people all the time. Sometimes it worked and I was pretty happy for these small victories. It was only in 6th grade when I realized how fucked I was that I totally gave up due to fear of social ridicule. That only made it worse.
Honestly, this is the one thing true hand flapping autists have over us. They are so checked out that nothing outside their little bubble matters. Their happiness is probably the purest happiness a human can know, being untainted by self-consciousness.
>>28670856
impressive poetbot
>>28669818
I always thought I was different. I feel I knew I wasn't normal since age 5.
I never viewed being different as a bad thing though, I always looked down on normal people and I still do.
I've been called a weirdo since elementary school.
People were only my friends because I was the smartest kid in school (just imagine how retarded they had to be for me being considerated the smartest) and I would help them do their homework.
Middle school was the worst though. Fuck that shit.
>>28671376
idk, I've seen some attractive autists. They dress like them, act like them, but still won the gene lottery. However I think ugly people can adapt autistic traits due to their situation.
>>28670297
This. It was a really useful fiction until I realized that most of those people in the "other neighborhood" lived about 2 minutes from me by bike, although it was across a major street.
There was this one time when I knew where they were going to be after school, so I told my cousin to drop me off there, assuming nobody got invited to shit and people just knew to show up. It was the purest feeling of indignant surprise and resentment I have even felt in my life.
Although some of these people were my "friends", I was really more of a dancing monkey with a few other useful talents. Nobody wants a dancing monkey to perform when it's not part of the scheduled entertainment. I learned that the hard way.
>>28670686
>I probably spent that summer, like many before it, completely alone. It just didn't occur to me to even invite a friend over
This. Breaks just seemed like the natural and decent compromise to school. If I had to wake up at 6:30 every day for that shit, I was sure as hell going to literally stay up all night and do nothing/sleep when I didn't have to for as long as I could. It never occurred to me that people would get bored or lonely enough to do anything else living like that.
Over this past March, my sister had some bad shit happen and she told me she wanted to come over. I asked why and she said "because she didn't want to be home alone right then". That just seemed like the oddest thing to me for somebody to make that demand of another person for that reason.
>>28671133
Huh. I used to know a guy who lived in a rural town in Wisconsin, then he moved to Milwaukee for a bit.
If it means anything I don't like football or the Packers either. Those Aaron Rodgers / Gruber law commercials suck.
>>28670958
Did the same, senpai. Had my pops draw me pictures of guns and swords and robots and shit to put in a binder and make mental stories with. Used to do that shit for hours until I got on the internet porn. Think I might have gotten some kid to make similar drawings for me when I was in 3rd grade of Bionicle/Zoids/Gundam or some shit.
I was always destined to be here.
>>28671179
This place is for robots only, and you obviously aren't one. Please, leave this place.
9 or 10 maybe? I was super into dinosaurs instead of the usual stuff everyone else was and liked to pretend I was one, stomping around roaring at people.
>>28669818
the reason I'm not a normie is not my social incompetence, but my social hypercompetence.
>>28671144
>Jill of the Jungle
That was a pretty fun game.
i was normal and this thread made me feel really bad
i read it all
>>28669818
I've already greentexted it like 3 times but it was during summer camp when I was a kid
After a week with more than a hundred kids I was the only one who didn't make a single friend and a counselor told me that being alone makes you strong.
I believe he was a robot
I always felt different for as long as I can think.
All the other kids were into sports and I just wanted to play my video games.
I never got out and interacted with other kids, became a skinnyfat pale zombie and thus had no confidence or social skills whatsoever.
It's so retarded that the simple fact of me not liking soccer probably fucked up my whole teenage life.
>>28669818
It was a complicated process:
>0-2: too young to realise, but definitely not a normie as seen in a home video and some photos
>2-3: dislike myself so maybe start to realise
>4-6: sometimes think I'm special but in a good way, sometimes hate myself
>6-8: believe there's something horribly wrong with me
>8-13: "I may not be normal but I can become that", sometimes even think I've made it
>13-15: think maybe I will never be a true normie but will find my place and purpose
>15-16: believe everything's wrong with me
>16-19: "I may still make it"
>19-present: give up
Normies dont exist bro, humans are all fucking strange
>>28669818
16
I shut myself In and rejected all girls who liked me. My teachers even told me I were the odd one out. I just wanted to play my games and not be bullied.
What the fuck is so wrong or weird about not wanting to feel pain all the time.
>>28671740
What happened tho? Greentext it.
