It's 4:30am where I am and I just got off the phone with the crisis line.
The volunteer didn't even talk to me much. 90% of the phone call was dead silence.
I've never felt so alone.
Are you suicidal anon?
>>28625280
do you wanna talk anon?
>>28625280
>>>/28616074/
just go to this thread opie
>>28625287
Sure am. Waiting until 8:30 so I can call my doctor and ask her to check me into the local psych ward. I can't take the pain anymore.
>>28625290
Depression is a real illness that hurts you and everyone around you, and there's nothing you can do about it. Nature decided to fuck me up, and now I'm fucked up for life.
Alright Anon, what's up. What's on your mind.
>>28625356
I can't work so I'm on disability, I had to drop out of school, I don't enjoy anything at all and I can't sleep. The next four hours are going to be the longest of my life, and then who says they can even help me?
I'm fucked m80.
>>28625421
Let's get sone info first. Why can't you work and why did you drop out of school?
>>28625342
Not sure, but if you go to the emergency entrance at your local hospital (or call them directly) I perhaps they can give you help so you don't have to wait alone.
>>28625438
I have psychotic depression. I want to die every minute of everyday. I can't enjoy anything and its impossible for me to relax, so doing work or chores causes me to break down on the floor.
It wasn't always like this, like I said I had a job and went to school for a few years.
>>28625445
I'd spend 4 hours waiting to see somebody there. Might as well just stay here.
Wow, that sounds awful. Especially for the Suicide Hotline of all things.
>>28625494
She asked me what I thought I could do in the meantime, and I said "besides exist?"
Her response was silence.
>>28625492
Good point you raised there. Better to post with people that might have something in common than sitting in a hospital waiting.
Stay strong bro.
>>28625492
I see, so when did this all start? Did somethinf trigger this?
>>28625597
The symptoms started when I was 12, I was suicidal at 14, I brought myself to the hospital at 20 and now I'm 22.
Losing my girlfriend of 2.5 years was really rough on me. That's when everything started going downhill super fast. I started having panic attacks and nothing good has happened since then.
My bedroom looks like a hoarders with garbage. I had to throw out all my dishes because they were beyond salvageable.
If it weren't for social assistance I'd be crazy (or crazier) and homeless.
>>28625643
Well Anon, I'll try to stay up and talk with you until you can call your doctor. I'm Alex, may I ask for yours?
>>28625689
It's Hunter. I'm helpless, I can't help myself anymore. So how do I expect others to help me?
I'm not even surprised by my experience with the crisis line. I don't have any hope anymore.
>>28625768
Well Hunter, you don't always have to face stuff alone. Let's try to talk about your history. When you were 12 what happened? How did you feel growing up?
>>28625280
Don't worry anon it's going to be alright
>>28625280
Ok I'll be in your head in a sec keep tuned
>>28625554
Lol she must've tried hinting you that you should go ahead with it already.
>>28625280
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J2kpFWG8bq4
soothe your spirits friend
Then wilt thou not be loath
To leave this Paradise, but shalt possess
A Paradise within thee, happier farr.
>>28625808
When I was 12 I became interested in religion, I had always been a skeptic. I thought that if God was the law giver of the universe, then if God didn't exist there were no morale laws.
That would mean in the eyes of the universe genocide is just as meaningful as charity work. This began an existential depression that lasted until I was 17. I had a brief 2 year period where I felt fine again, like I had solved my crisis, and then university brought my depression back.
But it was different this time, while before I knew why I was sad now I don't. Psychotic depression starts out as regular depression, but over time gets worse and worse until you experience psychotic symptoms. I am well fucked in the head, a defective human being.
>>28625883
But did you try getting some exercise. Humans feel good after moving. Plus getting some sun would make you a happier person.
Have you also tried smiling more? It starts like a chain reaction and soon enough you'll be smiling for real!
I hope I helped, cheer up :)
Hey OP, read your thread. My name's Matt. I must say i can't get a grasp on how you feel, i often feel down and oppressed by my feels as well, but seems like you got it much worse. I'll try to talk to you while you're waiting for help, alright? What hobbies did you have when you didn't feel that bad? Did you play any Vidya or what did you do? How old was your gf when you were 14? Hunter's a pretty cool name desu. How old are you? What continent do you come from?
>>28625883
What was your family life like Hunter?
>another normie "my 7th gf left me and now im """"""""depressed""""""""" thread
>>28625883
Hey Hunter, Matt again. For someone that claims to be severly damaged you seem very sane to me, the way you write implies that you're not dumb either, you seem rather smart to me. What kind of music are you into?
>>28625903
>>28625914
I wrote music and played video games and shitposted. I made this.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iX1ofn-LWJE
I haven't touched my guitars in months.
>>28625934
Very loving parents, upper middle class, I was an only child. Literally can't say anything bad about them except for they fell for the "send your child to university!" meme. I ended up wasting 40k of their money.
They're always asking me how I am and I either say "fine" or "awful", but when they ask why I can't tell them its because I wish I were dead.
>>28625979
Hunter, try your best to explain to me what you're feeling right now, and why you're feeling it. Don't just say your sad and it's due to depression, use detail.
>>28625950
I was an honour student in high school and studied math in university. (not that I'm implying either of those things mean anything, school is shit)
desu, the only reason I think I don't have schizophrenia (which I'm a candidate for) is because I'm a rigorous logician. Always have been; if it can't be shown with science then I don't believe it.
>>28625979
I'm at work so there's no chance to listen to your stuff atm, sorry man. What games were your faves? Gotta ask something stupid, but i met a lot of psychriatic ward patients that dealt with depression and burn-out. And most of them claimed that marihuana helped them through these hard times. Did you try something like that? I don't think a psych ward would be suiting you, since you seem very sane.
>>28626007
I feel like shit because I expect nothing and still wind up disappointed. At the end of the day I've made investments and they've tanked, but people tell me to make more. So I do, and those too tank. So they tell me to try again.
Sorry, but I can only shoot myself in the foot so many times until theres nothing left to shoot. I'm at the point where its not a matter of being unable to work or take on responsibilities, I can't clean, or wash my clothes, and I'm barely able to get out and buy groceries.
>>28626022
I'm high as often as I can be but being on disability I don't have the money anymore. I'm a GTA fanboy, one of the best game series ever made. I also suck Bethesda's dick.
>>28626017
Have you looked up Schizoid, it it closely related to schizophrenia but only shares some of the traits. But whether or not you find it fitting to your problems or not I don't know.
Small video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FsnhuFEIiBY
>>28626132
I am schizoid and also schizotypal, but I can't just change my personality. I did cognotive therapy to try and help but it didn't teach me anything I didn't already know.
>>28626096
you seem pretty adamant about going to the psychs. so i guess there's no point in trying to convince you otherwise. doctors are there to help after all, and i hope you get all the help you need. we can talk in the meantime if you still want. what was your favourite GTA my man? Also favourite Beth Game? Any answer besides Morrowind is wrong, though, sorry.
I was diagnosed with psychotic depression too
I'm untreated, just a total worthless loser who doesn't do anything to help themself
I'm also pretty much being forced to start working again by my dad, curious how that'll go
I think solitude + immense pressure to stop being neet is what pushed me into psychosis
>>28625280
I have a theory that most of the suicide hotline volunteers are normie girls that want to "save people" because they "can relate" but then realize that there are abysmally fallen beta males they are biologically programmed to hate on the other end of the line so they stop caring. Most girls think guys who fap to porn are "creeps" and "perverts" imagine what they think of a robot.
>>28626239
>Most girls think guys who fap to porn are "creeps"
sauce? oregano spices
>>28626250
women will lie about it but if they detect and beta vibes they will secretly wish for you to die.
Most suicide hotline girls are just feminists who want to help out other girls because they think men can't get sad or something.
>>28625979
OP i've been listening to this for the past half hour, it feels a void and feels kind of bonding.
Hope you're okay.
Time is going by so I appreciate all your help. I'm going on 24 hours with no sleep.
>>28626169
Vice City was amazing when I first played it but it aged like milk.San Andreas is still fun today.
F3 stands as my all time favorite bethesda game, glitches and all. I liked it more than NV which I know is an unpopular opinion.
>>28626201
Did the doc tell you that you suffer from delusions? If they did do you know what they are?
I was told I do but if I knew what they were I guess they wouldn't be delusions.
>>28626282
One time when I was a kid I was watching the news with my family and they were reporting a suicide.
I asked my mom why someone would kill themselves and she answered because they're sick. It is not of my own free will that I wish to die, it has been forced upon me by my illness.
I can only imagine how many suicides are spur of the moment because people just couldn't deal anymore. I've thought about jumping in front of traffic many times.
>>28626166
>>28626201
Not sure if any of this I write is of help to you or if you can relate, but I hope you don't feel you're all alone with your problems.
I'm also diagnosed with Schizoid, and just thought it was somewhat fitting as I can relate to no interests and doing good in school, but not put any importance to it.
Today I am somewhat OK, but still wishing I had an interest in something. So my days go by sitting home watching old tv-shows over again.
I can relate to the thought of "why bother, it isn't going to be better". And yes I don't think pressure to stop being neet is helpful. I am totally shit when it comes to trying to express my feelings, I have big problems doing it to my psychiatrist also.
I hope you manage to tell about all of your feeling to the psychiatrist when you see him/her.
Huge Fucking Protip:
Suicide hotline volunteers are usually not allowed to give any sort of advice, even if it is beneficial.
It's a huge fucking waste of time.
>>28626265
How do you know that? Do you have access to every woman's mind?
>>28626355
Got a source? Or an explanation?
op if you want to die why not just kill yourself, I dont get it. you clearly dont want to die if you're freaking out like this, the fuck. Kill yourself and get it over with, you will feel better.
This is so fucking stupid
=====ATTENTION I AM NOT CYBERBULLYING=====
>>28626343
I think I fucked up and mixed and matched two anons into one. Sorry to all, but hope there was some crumbs of logic or help in what I wrote to someone out there.
>>28626332
i can only agree about your GTA statement. Also FONV had me longer than FO3, since it was over once you finished the main story (there were no dlc's when i first played it) what do you use for playing vidya? PC? X1? PS4?
>>28626462
PC but I bought a PS4 for when the new Project Divas come out.
>>28626700
i could've played some vidya with you, but i only havepc and xbox1
How is the wait going?
