Who /actuallyOCD/ here? None of that normie shit, I'm talking debilitating.
Mine kicks in whenever I have something I care about, am proud of, or otherwise makes me feel anything. I have to keep counting to 3,5,7 or 10 or otherwise I'll lose whatever skill, happiness etc. I've gained forever. I've stopped feeling pretty much everything because of it.
Struggled with it as severely as you described for most of my early life, but I can keep it under control for the most part now.
Obsessive counting of objects, bodily revolutions, hand taps / touches and other motions, sentences in a paragraph, words on a line, letters in a word... whenever I catch myself doing it now, I intentionally ruin my counting and then steel myself against spasming and irritation.
>>28500075
It's odd, mine really kicked in later. I showed tendencies as a child, but I had a hugely traumatic incident that got me actually started. It's gotten better, but in the time since it happened I've lost nearly everything about me.
What did you used to do about things you couldn't change? I'm fortunate in that it's just numbers of tabs, number of thing I'm choosing from, etc. but you have letters in a word, sentences in a paragraph. How did you read books?
>>28499960
I have severe contamination OCD. My hands bleed from all the washing. I have to shower profusely after every visit to the washroom (I restrict water and food intake so I don't have to pee often).
There's been times where I didn't leave my house for 3 months, and sometimes I get caught in compulsion cycles in which I don't stop doing compulsions for 6+ hours straight.
I also fear airborne contaminants so sometimes I have to exhale or cough in an attempt to free myself from airborne germs. It also sometimes involves shaking my body around to avoid any airborne germs.
It was so bad in highschool that I had to drop out and be homeschooled. Feels bad, but I'm so glad you made this thread. I needed to rant about this bullshit. I can't work, I can't leave my house for more than a few hours. I spend all day doing compulsions.
I have some tendency to check things over and over but I never count.
My tics and touches are by far the worst.
>have a thing about corners of stuff
>like, anything with an edge or a point I get those desire to touch, to "cover it up"
>sometimes my head feels like it's going to explode if I look in the general direction of trees or plants etc because every leaf has a point on the end and I must touch them all
Havin breddy bad intrusive thoughts too. Oh well at least there's death.
>>28500165
Man, and I thought I had it bad. Was there anything in particular that started it?
>>28499960
>have to keep counting to 3,5,7 or 10
Yeah I got the same. 3, 5, 7 and 10 are very safe numbers for me. I hate 6 and 8. 1 and 2 are good.
So yeah. If I turn a door handle it'll have to be 5 complete times (5 is safe, but one turn each way makes 10, also safe). I have this mentality about everything. I lose about 2 hours a day from it.
>>28500220
There's more stuff I do but I don't know if you want to hear about it. I have no idea what caused it, but it's been getting worse and worse ever since I was 9 (I'm 21 now)
>>28500181 here
let me tell you about tics
>they frequently change
>must do them obviously
>they tend to get bad, to such extent that I've hurt myself doing it
>most involve 'stretching' some part of my body
>one of the worst was when I was younger I would stretch my throat a lot on the inside; eventually it tore and I kept doing it. The tears got infected and I got bad strep throat
>currently I swivel and wrench my neck around to try and crack it or just make it feel 'right', now it feels really gummy/crackly/painful/arthritic all in those vertebrae and I'm not stopping
>mfw hearing normies go "oh haha I cleaned my room yesterday I'm so OCD lmaoooooooo"
I constantly have to delete something and do it over and over until its "right". Be it my browsing history, or a characters face in a drawing or character creator.
Over the years I've deleted save files on many games fearing that the character housed within them would become a demon and torture me.
If it's possible for me to erase it and do it over, I must or It will become a demonic monster and try to torture my soul.
>>28500152
It's possible that you were always at risk for it, and that engaging in such behaviours now is how your brain thinks it's able to control you better and keep you safer. It's strange how that works though, doing the opposite in practice... what traumatic experience prompted it, if you don't mind me asking? For me it was a long process of childhood abuse, so I'm interested to know what sort of single event could trigger all of those behaviours in you.
As for things I couldn't change, I suppose it might be hard to explain but I _made_ them fit my systems. Like, an 'ugly' eight letter word might be somehow concatenated to be longer, or viewed only in terms of its stem / root word so that it's more pleasing. Other times, I'd only count certain syllables of that word so that the numbers fit into the system. I'd re-read lines over and over trying to find ways to categorise what I was seeing in a way that was aesthetically pleasing.
I didn't read nearly as many books as I'd wanted to, as you might expect. I'd dwell on pages for very long periods of time, but I think in the long run that might've better cemented what I had read.
My OCD tends to revolve a lot around linguistics and words. I also used to memorise quotations and song lyrics of specific lengths and have a mental databank of probably hundreds of songs I know word-for-word now.
>>28500279
Interesting, 2, 4, 6 and 11 are bad for me, I wish I could forget the reasons why. I can't remember my relative's birthdays but I can remember that my favorite number (5) plus 6 is the day of some retarded kid from my middle school's birthday, one day after mine. If I have 11 of anything, like tabs open, I get invasive thoughts about becoming like him.
Do you have reasons for your numbers?
>>28499960
Has taken me 10-45min to leave and lock up the house for my entire life. In middle school i could spend 10min making sure that just the door was locked then turn back halfway to school because it didn't feel right. As i grew older the OCD shifted towards my internal world, intrusive thoughts and anxiety loops that just goes on and on and on. Though i still have problems with locks and leaving anything electrical etc, it's just that i'm so tired and jaded at this point that i can grab the door handle ten times and then feel like "fuck it".
>>28500368
I was abused early childhood, but got custody switched later. I guess it was over a long time, but my GF at the time was really depressed and sex crazy and I'm sorta afraid of sex because of the aforementioned abuse so every time I opened up to her and remembered why I cared about her she'd bomb me with her woes that I had no idea how to handle and trying to force me to do sexual things, with frequent threats of suicide. It just went on for eons and eventually reached an apex where I couldn't handle it and just sort of lost all emotion. Leading right up to it, though. I started spitting certain numbers of times to cope and it's really stuck with me since. I'm not spitting anymore, but hand flicks, strokes, etc. are very common.
I really hate touching grease/oil with my fingertips.
when I do I have to wash my hands for at least 10 minutes, multiple times, just to make sure it doesn't feel greasy. I also clean all of the things I touch hourly so it doesn't get greasy from natural body grease.
can't stand contamination either. for example, when different types of foods are on the same plate and touching, I can't eat it. looking at contaminated water makes me puke.
also I always check things 10-15 times to make sure I didn't fuck anything up.
>>28500321
>Open up to psychiatrist about it
>"Oh, I have it too, I think we all have it to an extent haha"
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I'LL BE IRREVERSIBLY MENTALLY DISABLED IF I DON'T SHAKE MY SHIRT 10 TIMES BEFORE I PUT IT ONwow, the irony of that is palpable
>>28499960
Anyone else here /primarily obsessive/?
>have intrusive thoughts about harming small children (especially crushing their skulls)
>thoughts accuse anyone I see around children of being pedos
>incestuous thoughts, especially with cousin, though it also happens with others, all unwanted, of course
>murderous thoughts about the elderly
>wash hands after touching anything (especially bad because I have a dog, so everytime I pet him, I have to wash my hands and they eventually bleed)
>if someone goes near an edge of something, even if there is safety railing, I will get intense fear that they will fall over the edge, so I won't let them
>when going somewhere, I have to routinely say, out loud, about how much longer it will take me to get there, and, upon arriving, have to assess whether my estimate was correct or not
>obsessively save pictures of historical uniforms, armor, weapons, etc.
>OCD
Shit nigga, can anything be more fake? Y'all act like some nigga pointin' a gun at you being like "imma fuckin' pop you if you don't count this shit, nigga."
Just don't count, and when you son't die the first time, try your luck for a second time.
Fuckin' white people makin' up this shit.
>>28499960
Me.
I've had OCD for like 2.5 years now. It's ruining my life but when I'm outside with people, I don't notice it. It's only when I'm alone that I do my rituals.
I'm hoping that once I manage to obtain a healthy social life things will get much better. Chances of achieving that as of right now are 0%.
>>28500763
>act like some nigga pointin' a gun at you being like "imma fuckin' pop you if you don't count this shit, nigga"
It can actually be a bit like that. I'm the Pure O guy, and my thought process tends to go something like "if I don't undergo these rituals to prevent myself from acting on these intrusive thoughts, then I will eventually do them", or, in more extreme cases, it will be something worse.
I, for example, greatly fear the possibility that my conversion to Christianity is too late, and that I won't be baptized or have received communion by the time of the Second Coming.
>>28500763
We KNOW it's ridiculous, that doesn't stop it from being the thing we need to do RIGHT NOW OR ELSE EVERYONE YOU LOVE WILL START HATING YOU
It's ludicrous, it's absurd, anyone with a brain could tell that would never happen, but you do whatever it is anyhow, because it feels like you're gonna die if you don't. We're just wired wrong like any other mentally ill person, I don't see what's so far-fetched about that.
>>28499960
I am very obsessive at times. Stimulants seem to make it worse. Sometimes I'll spend hours rearranging a few mundane objects for instance and I can never quite get it just right. I really have to make an effort to tear myself away from whatever I'm doing when that happens. I suppose even the countless hours I spend here on 4chan is its own kind of obsession.
>>28500165
>sometimes I have to exhale or cough in an attempt to free myself from airborne germs.
I do this too, but I never actually thought in terms of it being OCD.
I actually didn't know I had it until earlier this year. I just sort of assumed everyone did these things, but no one really talked about it.
>>28500284
I'll listen to your tale anon
Eat my nuts rbot
>>28500284
Tell me! I didn't even see that, sorry, anon.
in an exam when I get anxious, I start to touch irregularities on my face
is that OCD?
>>28501315
Do you have intrusive thoughts accompanying it? If not, it may just be an anxiety thing
>>28500900
This is a very good description
That's what I hate the most about it, is being fully aware that what I'm doing is so completely ridiculous and unnecessary but it feels impossible to stop myself
>>28501616
not really beside, oh shit I need to stop touch my face
>>28501769
That's not an intrusive thought like we are talking about, anon.
I had OCD up until i was around 17. I became obsessed with being clean. I would literally wash my hands until they started to crack and bleed.
I remember one time I had a drop of pizza grease get on my backpack in school. I memorized everything that touched a "bad" area so If i got grease on my hand, i memorized every single thing I touched. It was on my backpack, which means it tainted my back, clothes, etc. I went into the shower with my backpack for 3 hours and used soap on it.
This is how crazy I was. I eventually stumbled into CBT on my own without knowing what I was doing and focused on why I was doing the things I was doing. I don't have OCD anymore
>>28501794
whew, thanks m8
also I fondle my balls and dick when I study at home, then I get distracted
>>28501883
Probably ADD, nothing serious. You could get vyvanse though, which would be nice.
>>28501929
I will ask my doc about if the fondling starts to mess with my study, thank you again!
>>28499960
I have ritual OCD, I felt the need to perform rituals and if I didn't do them in their exact order I had to redo or suffer consequences that my brain made up. Prozac and psychotherapy eventually stopped it.
>>28502146
Care to give an example?
>>28502266
Touching a light on and off a specific number of times while saying a sequence of words. If I didn't accomplish this I believed a family member or myself would die. I still do things like have to touch a specific piece of the medicine cabinet before I leave the bathroom.
>>28502352
Hmm, strange. Did your family understand your need?
>>28502411
yup, took me to a psychologist and they worked on it with me ever since. I loved going to the psychologist/psychiatrist as it become more of a Q/A about neuroscience and why I was thinking about x,y or z.
>>28502459
Interesting, my sessions feel more like pat on the back feel good pep talk. Maybe that's what I need, I have never felt loved.
I'm afraid that I am, how can I tell?
I have an overwhelming fear that there is something I don't see. I'm terrified to sit down in any seat I am not aware of because I am afraid there is some kind of infected substance there.
Fucking terrified of ever breaking skin because I feel like I am going to get my blood infected with something
Then there's the kind of normal shit, "did I lock my house?" "Did I turn off the oven?" etc
I had pure-O OCD for a few hears, basically, i'd constantly think about death and feel in danger, I had hard times to sleep and would stay awake for several days at once
I'm glad I finally managed to get over it, i'm still constantly thinking about death but i'm not anxious about it anymore
>>28502751
Me too, recently. But it got better when I heard some great advancement in aging therapy has been made over last 2 decades.
Sometimes, I do impromptu fortune telling type things.
Like, holding my breath when waiting for my hot snack to complete to prevent something bad from happening.
Or telling myself if I can reach the next utility pole in five steps, something good will happen
Or if I only step on the white crosswalk stripes, I can avoid catching a cold.
>>28503137
but why would you anon
I'm not sure if this is considered OCD, but for the past 5+ years I've been going to the bathroom at least 3 times before bed every night.
My bladder is always empty but I still get that feeling of having few droplets left that will not let me fall asleep. I keep thinking about the amount of time it'll take me to fall asleep and that I'll probably have to go again in that time span.
This doesn't happen during the day so I know it's not something with the urinary track.
Anybody else out there with the same issue?
>>28500722
Holy shit I do that too (for me it's three shakes, then turn it the other way and do three more though)
I constantly have to touch certain objects with both hands in order to feel comfortable. So for instance if I open the fridge door with my left hand, I have to touch the handle with my right hand as well. This applies to almost everything in my house.
Also I have to touch the volume button on the remote for my tv a certain way. If I want to turn the volume up, I have to press the volume up button three times, then down one. Same applies to when I want to turn it down, but reversed.
If I don't do these things I will literally have a panic attack and will feel insane until I do it.
>>28504128
do you jerk it 2 handed?
>>28504905
Fuck meant to make a thread my bad
I don't really mind being dirty in public, I'm not going to crawl along bus floors or anything, and I don't like touching door handles, but meh.
Home is a different story. I won't go to bed, use my desk chair or headphones unless I've been in the shower. If I get home and I'm too tired to shower I'll sleep on the floor.
I used to be way worse, is stand and blow my nose for literally hours, wash my hands till they bled, use disinfectant on anything I dropped on the ground etc.
I had it when I was younger. Still have it but less severe now. I still can't save pictures on the computer without deleting them half the time, thinking either something bad will happen if I don't or I can't get a disgusting thought out of my head. Or I have to delete a pic and save them in a different order. Other weird stuff like that.
I have had purely obsessional OCD (sometimes with compulsions but not always) since like early childhood.
Funny enough it started when I would pray every night with my family, and while praying I would get thoughts that were improper, that were like harm to me or my family or other people, etc because as a dumb kid I thought God has to answer every prayer and that if I think those thoughts then he will do them so I have to not think those thoughts or my family gets hurt or I get hurt or whatever and so praying nightly became a struggle against my thoughts that I was too embarassed of telling my parents about.
I dont know if doing the prayers and thinking negative thoughts during them was something that happened as a result of praying and my stupid logic, or if its that they were the easiest way for obsessional thoughts to happen, but either way it escalated from there for the rest of my childhood and teenage years, tormented by negative thoughts, the whole Chriatian thing of God knowing and judging your every thought fucked me up more because the same shit applied, I would try not to think negative and improper thoughts and ended up fighting with my own monkey mind.
Yes the concept of monkey mind, of thoughts as background noise, the fact that thoughts are not your mind, just seperate from it and these background thoughts react to which you give the most attention to, thats something I did not discover till late teens when I was reading about meditation to deal with panic attacks.
Further on I discovered OCD is more than just "le out of order meme" but actually shit that has been affecting me my whole life, compulsions like checking locked doors over and over, and especially Obsessional thoughts (pure O) OCD, with negative thoughts tormenting you and shit.
Its really shit to experience, I still get it sometimes but far less than before. Never had any medical or psychiatric help with them either, even when suffering from panic attacks never brought that up.
Who /fightingprayerstosatan/ here
If I don't think about it, he can't posses me. If I don't think about my friends or family dying, they won't die.
I won't think about cancers, crippling mental illness or any of that, because if I do, it will happen.
I don't really have the physical Tics. I have the internalized version that makes life hell
>>28506328
>>28506315
Here, I share your suffering.
In a way it kind of makes me feel relieved knowing others have these exact same intrusive and negative thoughts but it won't make them go away any easier.
But it also makes me sad because who knows how many others besides us are suffering this internal version, the invisible version of OCD that has you fighting with your own mind.
I sometimes forget about the concept of "you are not your thoughts" - its a very liberating concept, one that I didnt discover till like a decade later, I need to remember it more often.
>>28506376
I share your feels bro. The intrusive thoughts are the worst. I know that they're not rational, I don't actually believe them, but they so bother me
>Fappan
>Repeated images of me fucking my dog come up during orgasm
>Or it's me fucking my mother, my family, anyone
Like, FUCK OFF, and they won't go away. I constantly have to walk this line of sinful thoughts vs non sinful thoughts, even though I KNOW they're all bullshit
>you are not your mind
I'll try to keep this in my frame, anon. Thank you
>>28506428
Fuck I get some similar thoughts like that too when fapping. And also associating pleasant things I enjoy like music or movies with things or people I don't enjoy and dont want to think about and then just because a random thought pops into my mind associating the two and I really dislike it that means it stays forever and I even distance myself from what I used to enjoy for a year or more...
Fuck.
>you are not your mind
Nah its more like you are not your thoughts, it seriously blew me away when I read that because it never ocurred to me, I thought thought was always linked to mind and so any negative thoughts meant something must be truly wrong with my mind, but its really that thought and mind are seperate, there is the nonsensical monkey mind of endless chatter and random thoughts and then your own mind of focused thoughts and awareness.
And the negative and intrusive thoughts spring up from the monkey mind, with no awareness and OCD amplifes their effect and frequency I think. But the important thing to remember is how silly these thoughts are, and not to even fight them and force them out but kinda ignore them or give them little intention, they appear in your mind, you recognize it as a meme thought, as OCD - even reffering to them as OCD thoughts in your mind, using that meta cognition level of awareness will help, I started doing that lately and it has helped to lessen the impact a bit of discomfort and disgust and avoidance that OCD thoughts had on me previously for decades, not by a lot but still enough.
Shit is a lifelong struggle, meditation might help with it too as it makes you more aware of your thoughts and less responsive to impulses, impulsive thoughts have less effect on you I think.
>>28506604
Based anon. Together we will fight the robots in our brains.
No more intrusive prayers to Satan, no fear of possession, death, etc. I cannot kill people with my mind desu, and I cannot kick start grand galactic forces with my thoughts.
That's the OCD. We're gonna make it brah
>>28506647
Hell yeah anon, it actually helped me also to realize the world doesnt revolve around me or my thoughts, like the fact that I realized I thought that way because of the way I would respond to OCD thoughts kinda surprised me. I'm another powerless human in this existence of ours and do not wield any special powers with my thoughts, there is no God judging me for my intrusive thoughts etc.
That last concept also helped a bit, I actually kinda relieved some of my OCD when I fell out of religion, how about that. Seriously the idea that you are not safe inside your mind from the judgement of God really must have fucked with me, and contributed to a lot of OCD, and when I was still religious I think I blamed it on Satan or the devil trying to get God to hate me or some shit.
Fuck that was so stupid, I basically felt I had no privacy and no way to be alone with my thoughts for a decade or so, because I was raised Christian, and that contributed to the OCD something fierce, though it wasn't the sole cause.
It took me so many years to piece all this shit together too, no outside help beyond the internet.
>>28499960
My OCD fucks with me pretty badly too.
>mfw i repeatedly mentally count to 4, 10, 16, and 48
>mfw i do small gestures with my hands and legs that amount of times like turning the sink off
>mfw i jump in and out of rooms with my right foot because im scared something bad will happen if i don't depending on the number
>mfw i type the D key with my left index finger and other keys with certain hands and fingers
>mfw i put right shoe on, tie the first knot, then put left shoe on and tie both knots then finish tying right shoe
>mfw i walk and jump around certain objects a certain amount of times
>mfw i have numbers i consider bad stuff to happen if i count to/do a certain amount of times like 6 being terminal illness, 20-29 being cancer, 5 being shot, and 3 dying earlier than I should
>mfw I associate certain numbers also to have positive effects like 4 and 48 being extra chances at certain things
>mfw i feel like if i stop doing this i might get shot
I hate this shit familia. It's fucking my life up and i tell barely any of it to my therapist because I'll probably sound like a dumbass to my therapist.
What happens if you don't do the random count stuff?
What if someone physically punched you every time you tried to do OCD shit? Couldn't someone electroshock you guys into being normal
>>28506753
That's fascinating, the way I neutralized the fear of constantly being watched and judged by God as a child was by actually willing that harm come to me or bad things happen to people I cared about through prayer to test whether there would actually be some cosmic wrath or punishment by God for invoking profane desires in my prayers.
Once it became clear there were no consequences for willfully invoking God to do my evil will I reasoned that there could not really be any direct consequences for my private thoughts, and after that the fear of being caught accidentally thinking about sinful intentions stopped being a concern for me.
You should have tried praying that your family get killed intentionally.
>>28499960
Whenever someone uses the wrong your/you're I have to correct them no matter what. It's ruined friendships.
>Tfw I actually corrected someone's post saying goodbye to their dead mother.
I don't know why I do it. I really don't. It doesn't help other people and if anything it makes me feel worse, but if I don't it will just absorb me for the whole rest of the day until I fix it. It's the only thing I can think about. It doesn't come up when people do it just to troll me, thankfully. But I just don't know what to do. I think it started coming up because my dad actually used to punish me for using incorrect grammar, a 5 minute lecture on it, then he would make me write 100 lines of the sentence I used, except with correct grammar. It's never been as bad for other grammar though, as mine still might not be perfect.
>>28506923
The fear of that happening was too strong anon, I always had abnormal levels of anxiety and worry along with my OCD, (which led to panic attacks later in highschool).
>>28507201
Your sure about that?
>>28507264
Please stop.
*You're
