I used to think that it was only a matter of finding a girl who was really interested in me, then everything would be okay. I'd lose my virginity and relax in finally becoming a normal guy.
It turns out that so many years of isolation and sexual repression have given me a serious fear of intimacy that prevents me from emotionally opening up to a romantic partner in any way and makes me physically ill when trying to have sex.
I just realized how long and painful this battle truly is. It only gets worse.
I feel the same way OP. The thought of dating a girl now or raising a family is actually terrifying. I think we fucked up our minds so much there's just no going back.
I feel you anon, after months of truggeling i finally Made the decision to go to a psych.
Last week was my first Meeting so there is no procress yet but only talking about it was already a releaf. Maybe you should try that?
>>28462192
Wow my english is really bad in this post. *struggling
*progress
*relief
>had a girl on top of me ready to fuck
>couldn't get hard
What makes things worse is I DID open up to this girl. And she did to me. We told each other things we never told anyone else. Then she just vanished and I haven't seen or spoken to her for 2 weeks.
I feel so much worse losing her then I did before I met her. But I don't regret it at all. That one day we shared is worth the countless hours of misery I'll continue to face. I just really wish she gave me some closure as to why she cut me out of her life...
I too feel this way. I never had many friends growing up aside from two autistic spergs I've known my whole life, and thus am stuck with or it's nothing. I also have no family aside from my parents, and my mother was not affectionate, feminine or openly loving.
I remember being at either of my friends houses and seeing them so casually tell their mothers and fathers, right in front of me, that they loved each other. It seemed so foreign and personal to me and I felt like I shouldn't be around when it was said. I was envious of their large families and their openness with how much they cared for each other. I always wanted that.
But now I'm deathly afraid of intimacy of any form, physical or otherwise. I had a girl two inches from my face years ago but I was too afraid to make a move because I didn't want to be wrong. I wanted to be with her so badly, but my body would not move. I froze up and she thought I wasn't interested. She fucked a guy I would have considered a friend at the time. We aren't friends anymore. I don't trust people anymore.
I'm very lonely and have never had anyone I actually felt a connection with. The idea of opening up is scary. I'm bitter, fearful, melancholic and morose and nobody generally wants to be around that. But I've built myself around those traits, and to be anything but them feels very disingenuous.
I've always wanted someone to love me and to love in return. That's all. I don't want to be alone anymore.
I really think theres a point of no return.
My experience; Was isolated from 15 to 24, at 25 i tried my best to integrate to society but i failed. Girls didnt gave me a chance since they expect that at my age i should be experienced. Soo i turned prision gay.. Finally getting dates, one nigth stands and relationships, well it didnt work out either, got some experience going out and such but my lack of experience and emotional intelligence still put people away.. Also got an anal infection that i need to be operated for in the next days. Sooo in conclution, im broken and no sane or normal human would want anything to do with me, i accepted that and now am exploring hoobies or something to live for.
thats a great movie
Bump for the feels thread.
>>28462340
Reading posts like this honestly make me feel sick. Not grossed out or disgusted by you, but at the world for letting this happen. I don't feel bad when the bitter and angry spergs on this board complain about being lonely but you seem like a decent guy. I feel like I could have been you in another life. I can't even do anything to help you either and it kills me that your life is like this. I hope you keep trying to find somebody.
>>28462795
Thanks anon. I find comfort in the sadness though, and have for a long time. It's sort of a vicious circle though; I'm lonely and long for affection but am too afraid to get it, so I dwell in my sadness for some security, which makes me push people away while they are pushed away by my somber attitude, which pushes me further into the depression, etc.
I suppressed my emotions for a long time too and now I'm dealing with a lot of them and I don't really know how. Sometimes my chest hurts though, especially when I think about hugging her or having friends I could do stuff with or someone I could talk to about things that really matter to me, rather than talk about memes or the latest vidya.
While there is anger in me, it is mostly directed at myself for how flawed I am, and how tragic the world is. My sadness isn't just mine, I know. All of us have a hard time, and that too fuels the bleakness of my moods and views. In a way the tragedy is a beautiful thing I guess.
Maybe in the next life is what I tell myself. Hopefully it's a little less lonely.
>>28462340
This sounds so familiar, it's as though I wrote it at another time and forgot that I did, especially
>I've built myself around those traits, and to be anything but them feels very disingenuous.
I'm so used to being the bad guy and the blunt, distant one that being anything else feels like living a lie. I'm the best at being the worst, it's all I'll ever be good at when all I want is to trust wholly and be loved unconditionally
I want to be wanted, if that makes sense, but one has to be desirable to be wanted and after years of getting better and better at being alone and being a crass, bitter individual around others to make sure they don't get close I don't think that I could be someone worth wanting and in that way I dug my own grave
>>28462904
The picture you posted, while not extremely touching or skillfully made, makes a point about beauty and what makes something beautiful or worthwhile. In this case, the appeal in the artwork stems from just how dark it is. It has a unique quality which sunny landscapes and smiling faces miss altogether.
>>28462956
I understand how you feel. Though more than anything else I've always desired someone to simply tell me "I love you" and to mean it wholly and with all their heart, but because I grew up without that I've built a wall around my own heart. The one who was briefly my friend getting with the girl he knew I was interested in sealed that wall finally, so that I'll never trust anyone again with my feelings or desires.
I've grown good at being hateful, bitter, resentful and distant because that's what I've fostered for a long time. I know it isn't right. I don't want to hurt anyone, but I don't want to be hurt myself anymore.
Ever since I was a child I dreamed of having a girl hold me in her arms. I wanted to feel that warmth, and to feel like I mattered to someone. My mother was cold and distant. I suppose that's why.
I'll probably continue to fester in my bleak melancholy until I decide to kill myself.
>>28462961
Wonderful observations. There is a sense of tranquility to the picture I think, and of reflection and dark beauty. The framing of the large trees on both sides, the shaded figure in the middle and the subtle reflection in the water with the blackened path in the distance all combine to give it a contemplative, humble atmosphere.
>>28463047
It seems we are one in the same then
Though what happened to me less sealed the wall but rather it was broken down and left me without shelter or home at least metaphorically
I trust everyone following those dramatic events knowing that they will all betray me horribly and come to expect it of them eventually
I must say it is a much worse existence than being under the delusion that you're safe alone because we all have dependencies on others that are natural to human existence and seeing the end natural to my experience in everyone I see is disheartening to say the least
>>28462252
I am afraid that will be me someday. People really don't touch me and I often reel away from it. I cannot even comprehend how my body and mind would react if someone were to get close to me like that.
I often find myself pushing people away because I don't think they actually care and just want to make a little small talk. I really don't care for small talk so I often shut it down instantly, or anything that tries to praise me because I'm not that good. A few weeks ago my work does a birthday party event for each month and one of the managers said something around "What is in the sketch book, have a lot of great drawings in there?" and I bluntly responded "No, that is why I am sketching" and ended the conversation right there. Only until a few moments later I realized how rude I was and I was at fault but I couldn't help disliking the tone of her voice and how her sentence was structured, as if she was talking to a child.
I really cannot see myself forming new relationships, they are much harder to form now and don't seem to be worth the energy anymore. I am not in school anymore, I am almost 30, a lot of people seem to be somewhat set in their tracks, that is if they wish for that or not. Typing that I am afraid I am set on my own tracks as well without knowing wanting to change course but unable to shift.
>>28462340
>>28462795
>>28462904
>>28462961
>>28463047
>>28463112
As long as I can find one of these kinds of threads, even if it's only one a month, r9k will be my home
>>28463112
Yes, I myself am not a solitary person, though by the makeup of my personality and the fear that strangles me I've been forced to become one. I too assume eventually anyone and everyone will betray me as my "friend" did. My thoughts and feelings are now staying in my head and my heart, but sometimes that feels like too much and I really, really long for someone to open up to.
>Though what happened to me less sealed the wall but rather it was broken down and left me without shelter or home at least metaphorically
That was what I felt when I found out my "friend" fucked the girl I was interested in, even after he said he was going to help me with her. I finally cried my eyes out that night, after years of not crying. I haven't cried since. Eventually I picked the pieces up to rebuild that wall and it still stands.
I don't like being alone, but I would rather suffer by myself than risk exposure to being used or betrayed anymore. I want to improve and to be "normal" so that I can have a family, a decent job, a few friends and all of that, but even that feels like something I'm not allowed to have.
I wish I was okay alone.
I have not talked to a girl my own age since elementary school. For all the presence they've had in my life, young girls may as well not exist. To me, they are all but mythical creatures. I played a game of dota today and there was a female player on my team who used her mic for the duration of the game. Hearing her speak make me feel nauseous. I am afraid of intimacy. I have never watched porn. I sometimes get so depressed that my dick stops working. Been neet for a year now. Had a lot of time to reflect. At least I'm only 19. Things will get better, right?
>>28463188
I remember some advice given to me, probably on here some time ago, that the key to finding love and getting married and all that was to not focus on that and rather do other things until it comes to you from life and for the most part I agree
But fundamentally I know that cannot work for someone like me because I have no reason to go on as is even though I have plenty of friends and disposable income and all "fixing" myself will do is get me more of those things which I don't want because what use are friends if you cannot trust them and what use is money if you want nothing it can buy?
I admire you ability to keep going, maybe it's because the circumstances that tore you down were less seated than mine and were more like a slash of the flesh than the deep barbs that I felt as everyone I knew abandoned me in my pitiable state including the only woman to walk this earth that I ever loved
I too have the simple desire of having a "normal" experience is regards to life, but I feel constantly broken down by the world doing and failing the simplest of tasks knowing that while I struggle to do the basic parts of human life desiring only love that I will never have it until I alone depart from what I have become and always have been
And I am afraid that time it will take to change is longer than I have in this world
>>28462252
sigh you had the chance to play misterious chad , you turn up to be emo beta faggot , you scared her off dude and she used you to vent her shit cuz thats what women do . learn and move on
>>28463303
>have never watched porn
Such purity! You are the one who not be corrupted, who will outlast whores and lords as gold outlasts copper!
>>28463303
>Things will get better, right?
No. You have to take action to make things better. You cannot wait an hope they become better. It will always be a struggle to improve, but many people do struggle, not everyone is naturally talented and have to prove themselves and fail many times, it is just if you have to willpower to do such a thing.
>>28463391
Wouldn't even know where to start. Every guide seems to place its starting point out of my reach.
>>28463318
Since I graduated high school 5 years ago I've been in a slump. I work a boring retail job, saving money to attend a few community college courses that I will inevitably put 0% effort into, and thus fail out of and waste 5 months of time and a chunk of money. I have no passion, no desire, no motivation to move forward. Soon my father will be fed up and kick me out I'm sure. I'm wasting even borrowed time.
That is not an admirable thing to admit, and I am ashamed of myself for my lack of intelligence and maturity. But like you said, everyone always says love finds you when you're not looking and whatnot. I've been too afraid to look for 23 years and while it did come around once, I fucked it up royally.
I should live for myself, but I don't. Without the love that I desire and the place in the world that I long for I don't really see a reason to go on. I don't really mean much to myself, which isn't an attractive trait either. Another self-fulfilling prophecy.
I have the same fear as you, in that by the time I figure all of this out too many years will have passed. I'm already behind. I have no idea what I'm doing.
why the fuck did you post this
>>28463419
Damnation I do not know how it is that someone could live such a life so close to my own and feel the same way, I'd like to at least know your name as these moments often come and pass here to fade into the sands of time but I would actually like to remember this
My father already kicked me out in my own slump of a depression and so I picked up a retail job to fill the void of doing nothing living with people I hate
>it did come around once, I fucked it up royally.
I know how you feel, and, at least for me, it feels like it will be the last time because I'm fundamentally a different person after that experience and one with no hope of being loved by anyone ever again and should the opportunity arise I wouldn't see it as men are the instigators in romance so the signs would pass before my eyes as deception and even if I did see them I would be too bitter or too afraid to even try
>>28463423
It's am actually good feels thread for once m8.
Don't complain. Feel.
Yup.
And if the fear of intimacy doesn't get you the mounting practical issues will. You can't just meet a girl at school or college anymore. Then you get a little older and you stop being able to even hang out with friends because they all get married or end up being terrible people you have to distance yourself from. Then you get a little older than that and you start being too old to associate with people younger than you because it starts to get weird being over 30 and having 20 year old friends.
So then you're by yourself. And you're probably sick from sitting on your ass all day and have two or three medical conditions. And you're probably poor. If you live with your parents god help you.
>>28463554
>the signs would pass before my eyes as deception and even if I did see them I would be too bitter or too afraid to even try
Yeah, as they always do to me too. I'm not cut out for the game. I've been left behind and betrayed a lot, by almost everyone I would have considered friends. Their lives moved on and our paths were very distant. I understand that, but it left me with nobody, save of course my two autistic friends, whom I've never felt more than a circumstantial companionship with.
After the last ordeal with this former friend I've mentioned several times I've gone through a lot of introspection and have changed quite a bit. Some of it was of my own accord, some not I think.
I sit around these days, drinking wine, collecting stupid nerd stuff and trying to waste away as much time as possible with books, games and the like. Anything to keep ennui from driving me insane.
I didn't want to embrace any sort of hatred or anger at the world and at people. I don't want to shut people out. I want to give them a chance, but I'm just too afraid. I don't want to hurt anybody, but I don't want to be hurt again. I don't know what I'm doing.
My name is Lewis by the way.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eGIl8CQxuTM
What im listening to, while drawing to vent muh feels
i hate myself, and everyone too. I wish a big meteor JUST'd the earth soon, just so we can all truly know it never mattered
>>28463661
You're right about the ennui, it will drive you insane, it has me on several occasions and I never knew the meaning of the word escapism until I knew there was something to be escaped and oftentimes they are my own thoughts that I am running from
>I don't want to hurt anybody, but I don't want to be hurt again
I think that's my problem too, so much would be solved if I didn't care what happened to others, especially women, they seem to crave the abuse but even when I was full of hate and motivation I couldn't do anything close to hurting anyone who I hadn't already because of longstanding differences
Ultimately I think I want to be accepted and held on equal ground but as long as I stand above her as the tyrant she wants I am not getting what I want and if we're together as near-equal people then she's not getting what she wants so someone has to be the conqueror that takes what they want and it's not going to be the guy who wants the other to change her biological imperatives. And my name is Christian if you were interested at all
>>28463776
The nature of relationships is a difficult thing, and one I have no real experience in. If I wasn't exhausted and didn't have to go to work in 4 hours I might stay in this thread until the end. Maybe tell the wonderful tale of how this guy fucked me over. It's a fun story to recall now that it's long in the past.
It has been a pleasure talking to you and in this thread, but I need to get a few hours of sleep before I get back into the grind tomorrow. I hope this thread is still up in some way when I get home.
Good luck out there anons. I hope you all make it someday.
>>28462904
Alright, lemme give you a whallop
In your mind, specifically different from others (You are not a failure, you simply have a different "game" going on) there is a balancing act between:
This sort of introverted comfort/ consistency,
And the wild exploratoration of new perspective shifts/ paradigms
That second one is your ONLY way out. The longer you stay in comfort, the following happens:
- Self hatred, headaches, frustration
- Emotional confusion, often leading to thinking that finding love/ finding someone to care for you will fix your issues (won't necessarily, at least not when approaching it in this attitude)
- Self pity, apathy
- Further justification to continue this cycle
And then the final stages end up being shit like completely rationalizing depression, hopelessness, apathy
During this whole time, "exploration" is your way out. How do you explore?
I'm not talking shit like going to parties/ raves necessarily. I'm talking about putting yourself in new dangerous scenarios. Dangerous to you.
See, the reason you're a fucking wreck is not because of fate or failure, it's just that you haven't been pressed to explore, and your mind is basically made to be this kickass "Can figure everything out" badass who don't need social approval or tradition.
Start projects, practice skills + self improvement, meet new people with ZERO expectations on how disappointing or worthless they'll be. That's the entire point of socialization- it's not meant to be mega important.
I personally struggled with ALL this shit myself. Unfortunately for you AND me, this isn't a one time fix-it. This is like cutting an addiction, or losing weight. It's not a matter of one decision that changes your life; it's a constant series of decisions to put yourself in situations where you will win.
This safety net is our way of defence.
Do not confuse exploration with social approval or being traditionally "successful". It's a matter of further discovery of truth.
>>28463841
But honestly how do you care when everything you've tried to do in your life has failed and you've only "succeeded" at doing things you half-assedly or, to use modern terms, ironically did?
I never gave a shit about anything I've ever done right so I don't have that positive reinforcement that others seem to about so basic of things
It feels like being congratulated on breathing, patronizing and foolish
>>28463841
To continue, we will rationalize our current state. A lot.
It makes sense to us. We are smarter than most people- yeah, I know this sounds pretentious, but many of us are simply far more rational.
Except with this. Sticking to one idea is the Achilles Heel to our extreme rationality. That and emotional sensitivity, but who gives a shit about that.
When you are engaging exploration, new scenarios, novelty, not only do you PERSONALLY get ahead with your inner understanding of everything, but all your social inhibitions, shit like being awkward/ gross, autistic, or apathetic/ lazy just melt away. People like you not because you are Chad or because you are charismatic in a traditional rapey way. You become charismatic in a way that people actually enjoy being around. When you stop being defensive, you become this sound rational motherfucker who is continually figuring it out for the rest of us. A problem solver, a master, a sage; what have you.
That calm rationality can not be coupled with that defensive safety. You suck at picking what to be safe about. It is what drags you into inaction. It is the polar opposite of what you ACTUALLY ARE GOOD AT; exploration of new perspectives, paradigms, and attacks on your current understanding of things.
Because unlike most people, you actually have the patience to sit through it and consider the elements.
>>28463818
I am glad you posted in this thread, just knowing I am not alone in my fucked up way of thinking has given me some new outlook that I could not have dreamed of previously
And thanks, maybe we'll meet again
>>28463908
>But honestly how do you care when everything you've tried to do in your life has failed and you've only "succeeded" at doing things you half-assedly or, to use modern terms, ironically did?
You nailed how I feel.
That's the past though. Fuck the past. Do not even attempt to contextualize it; it will make you weaker the more you slip into figuring it out.
Think of that ironic shit as being your exploration on a more "safe" level. I did EXACTLY the same shit. All of my random ironic off the cuff endeavours with no risks ALWAYS ended up super "successful" for what they were.
See, the safety thing is a defensive/ inhibition thing with us. If we're even slightly shakey about something, we kick back into this gear.
You have to understand that the way other people are wired, they are simply more mature about this "safe" mindset. WE on the other hand, suck with it. Not that we can't do it; we just don't use it in a constructive manner. It's a specific defence mechanism that literally SHUTS OFF exploration- the thing we're actually skilled at.
"Then why don't we always explore? Why did we decide to be safe?"
When it becomes a matter of your worth, you AUTOMATICALLY switch into safety/ "I know my shit" mode.
>>28464078
That puts down how I feel about most things in nice concise terms, but still, what do you do at the end of the day when you return home to come back to the same mindset you left there in the morning when you went out to experience new things and do interesting things?
To expand even more, what do you do during a lull in an exploration experience? I know that as soon as I have nothing to do at work I regress into "I want to kill myself" mode which I fully recognize as a defense mechanism giving me control where I have none
You guys holding onto the memory of that one girl that got away... jesus. I lose probably four or five girls a week. That's what you have to do. And sometimes you don't lose them.
>>28464161
Oh, I become apathetic, lazy, sit in and binge watch familiar shows, reddit/ 4chan/ forums I'm familiar with
Hell I've started to become too lazy to play games
Like I said; this shit isn't a "switch" that you can permanently turn on and change your life with. It actually hurts to go through with risky moves, such as striking up conversation with a rando, or going into something I'm unfamiliar with (groups of people, events, whatever)
In the back of my mind something shouts at me saying I don't need these things. That these people are fucking roaches, OR that I will never relate to these people/ enjoy the same things they do, so there's literally no hope for me ever.
See, it's this self defence mechanism that rationalizes the "not engaging" aspect. You could even say that this is the "real you", or most common you. Until you switch into Rationalization + Exploration mode.
To get out of a lull, you need to have at least one or two lines back into reality. School/ college/ uni can be one, irl friends can be another, job can be one- you get what I mean. But then these can also stagnate/ not offer enough variety for you to explore your strengths in.
You simply have to expand this by choosing to do shit your mind will be screaming "BUT I WON'T LIKE THIS" at. Things like signing up to stupid clubs, meeting up with random idiots, going to stupid pointless events, whatever it may be. And even then, these events/ shit might ACTUALLY suck- you just have to tell your safety side to shut the fuck up and deal with it.
It only speaks up when self worth is concerned, and this can be aided by people who know you for who you are, making you less scared to prove yourself/ become secure through this safety function. It is kind of a pride thing- you can equip yourself against it with introspection/ self awareness.
So really it's just a matter of cutting out a negative attitude that is secretly self-serving/ self-protecting.
>>28464296
Well thanks for posting in the thread about this, I've had thoughts without eloquence on this subject for a long time but I didn't like thinking about it because it made me feel shitty and like I was giving in to someone, maybe I can use this perspective to get better and maybe even non-suicidal one day
>>28464466
I didn't have much eloquence on it either until recently
If you're familiar with the MBTI horseshit, turns out it's not that bad once you ignore all the actually shit aspects of it.
INTP is precisely the type I've been addressing so far. Personally I relate more to the ENTP descriptions, only because online (particularly on anonymous communities) I tend to push Ne and Ti to the extreme.
I'm also just far more lazy coming around to ONE conclusion that I'll believe. I don't know if it's because I'm dominant Ne, but I EXTREMELY relate to the TiSi loop I've been describing this whole time.
Ti - Self rationalization
Ne - Discovery of possibilities, exploring new perspectives
Si - Continuity, Principles, Safety, Tradition
Fe - Harmony, Sharing and addressing emotional needs in self and others
>>28464515
Well I can verify that the perspective you espout is true in myself and I consistently test as an ISTJ in meyer briggs tests so your theory may be correct in that it is linked to the sensing/thinking aspects
Either that or the test is vague enough to apply to many different kinds of people but in reality we exhibit characteristics of all of the "hard" factors of the personality arrangements
>>28464582
Ooo that's interesting that you say you're ISTJ
Maybe this is an introverted thing? Or just an "everyone" thing, like you said. Hmm.
Cause like... The nature of ego defence can say a lot about whether someone is extroverted or introverted, I guess.
>>28462130
This is literally me, man. I've had opportunities with great and attractive girls but I just couldn't follow through with it.
>>28462252
Man, I had a girl who had wanted my dick since middle school ready to do all types of degenerate shit with me and who would have done all my dirty fetishes that I jerk off to but I couldn't stay hard. Shit was demeaning.
Get a good hobby and start a solid, big project. Work on it. I had all the same problems, despare and suicide at the thought of being alone but now it doesn't bother me a single bit.
it's hard, but don't count yourself out of life because you're alone. Modern culture has created this image that everybody has to have somebody but that's bullshit.
finally just remember, WHERE are you getting this ideal of what a relationship is actually like from? I lived with my brother for a years and witnessed first hand what a relationship is like and let me tell you that shit was NOT pretty at times. Only a handful of occasions actually lived up to what /r9k/ hype it up to be.
Only a very rare few girls are actually 100% perfect waifu material, I bet the second a lot of robots get into a relationship they would realize just how vastly over-rated it is for most people. People used to just get together because it beat being alone but nowadays with the net, you have an infinite amount of distractions available to you.
>>28462130
what a fucking terrible gif
bumparino d
>>28464946
I don't want to believe.
I didn't read this thread but the posts are long enough that it's probably above average so have a bump
Fuck OP it sucks. I got /fit/ in college but still had so much anxiety that I could barely talk to girls or even go to class. Alcohol helped though, so I became a boozebag and lost my virginity, but all the relationships I had were fucking shallow, drunk hookups that I couldn't even text the next morning because if I wasn't puking up beer it was spaghetti.
So after years of social anxiety, finally becoming Chad looking and fucking girls just led me to an alcohol fueled depression hole. I failed so many classes I almost got kicked out of school.
There's a happy ending to this story but nobody wants to hear that here cause were robots. It was luck, but I'm happy now and almost graduated.
>>28462355
my guy, are you meaning to say that you couldn't get stacy so you started taking it up the ass?
>>28464582
>>28464675
http://www.smithsonianmag.com/ist/?next=/smart-news/the-myers-briggs-personality-test-is-pretty-much-meaningless-9359770/
>>28464882
>all my dirty fetishes that I jerk off to
That's literally your problem. Stop watching porn and jerk off less and your mind will reboot back to normal in about a month or so. I promise you it works. If it doesn't I will literally PayPal you $100.
>>28468264
>Catalog
meme i fap daily
>>28462252
Had sex twice, this is what happened the first time. Barely got hard enough to cum.
Now I just have a new batch of anxiety about sex
>>28468283
cause u a fucking loser
>>28468282
Fapping is fine, in fact it's normal and healthy. But porn is not. It'll fuck you up. I still jerk off, I just don't watch porn anymore. It changed my life man. More energy, more confidence and motivation, better mood. It's like the ultimate cure for all your robot problems. Seriously man, try it. What have you got to lose anyway?
>>28462130
i am psychologically scarred by cheating and bad break-ups and i get so dysphoric and anxious when i even get close to having a sexual relationship
and afterward i just feel horribly lonely and sad
i have serious social interaction issues and these developed after the age of 25, when i was in normal society and supposed to be an adult
i was fine in high school and pretty much mostly fine in college
it's the stress and isolation of adult life that did it to me
>>28463761
hey thanks this is a nice piece
damn this thread is so good.
>>28464946
I'm gonna chime in with this guy.
A hobby where you physically create something is probably the most positive thing you can do for yourself. When you can actually hold what you make in your own hands, it's fulfilling all in it's own.
Blacksmithing is pretty easy to start with, same with some woodworking. Leatherworking takes more capital, same with some other things. Look around, think of something that interests you, jack some e-books on the subject or watch some beginner tutorials, go do it.
You've basically got nothing to lose other than some time and a lot to gain.
This is my problem as a 25 year old KHV, I am scared to death of intimacy. I am scared of kissing let alone sex. Scared of opening up to a female. I can talk to attractive girls all day but I have a hard time going from casual conversation to making my intentions clear.
>>28470016
To add to this, I just don't feel worthy. Maybe I'm not? I'm pretty good looking but not enough I guess.
>>28464582
I've tested ISTJ before too.
According to the test they like order an hierarchy. When I take career tests I get military or law enforcement. So maybe some kind of position where you're taking and giving orders would be good .
Probably not though, I'm leaving home to be a musician so those tests aren't always right
Ever since I've gained sentience or self awareness life has just been a blur. When I was about 5 my mother told me that I was going to die at 12 years of age. I didn't really understand the concept of death but I did know that once you die you never come back to the side of the living. So as I was learning to read and write from watching TV, how to brush my teeth properly and floss I started reading or trying to read all of these medical books she had thrown all over the place. Then science and medical science books about the brain anatomy all that jazz. Then from the brain to psychology and from psychololgy to neurology and yow the brain works and whatever trying to find out what makes a person a person. At 7 my doctor told me that I'll die at age 12 when my mother went to the bathroom. By this time already knew about death and just responded with an I know.
My doctor was kind of surprised and said, something like "you're taking this kind of well aren't you? But you didnt have to be brave for me or your mom." I said, "I'm not being brave there's nothing I can do about I'm 7 what do you expect?"
So I grew up thinking I was going to die and just lived normally I guess. Went to school, had friends, had fun, held hands and kissed girls I liked, got into fights. All that.
At 10 my friends family threw me a birthday party since my family was too poor and even though I didn't want one it was really nice. I mostly deny things I want because we were to poor to afford little extra things I wish my dumbass mother realized this when I was younger. I'd rather have food and a place to sleep than toys or other nonsense we couldn't afford. So after my party I started walking home since we didn't have a car. On my home I took a shortcut through the park it was maybe 2 or q 1 in the mornin. (sorry for the blog post just ignore me)
>>28471111
(11th birthday not tenth oops) I was being kinda cautious didn't want to die in the park like a bum before I actually die at 12. My grandmother's apartment complex is in sight and I've almost home when I was grabbed from behind. A hand on my neck and a hand on my stomach. A slight smell of perfume and a pair of breasts pressed against my back. I remember her telling me not to scream as she licked my face and her glove covered hand entered my clothes and glided towards my cock. (forgot where I was going with this should I skip this if anyone's reading this? I'm just posting this all out there to make myself feel better)
>>>>28471318
(Skipping all that) tl;dr I was raped, made it home at about 8ish in the morning and passed out on the floor where I slept normally. After that I went on with things as normal, I'd die next year and I'd finally be dead. I did a bunch of dumb and dangerous shit because, " I'm dying and I want to have some fun". Accidentally being dragged into fights or street races or territory disputes. Having to jump out of windows just to run away. Man I had fun and my 12th was coming up fast. So I set up an appointment with my doctor to see if I was still going to die since I felt fine and was pretty active. "you says here you were poisoined in the womb and should die by age 12." or some nonsense. Fast forward to a month before my q12th and I'm prepared to die, I've been prepared to die my whole life so far. Finally I'm dying. My 12th comes and goes and I'm pissed. So I make an emergency visit to my doctor and he's surprised that I'm still alive! "No shit I'm alive asshole what the fuck is this!" after a bunch of tests over a few weeks he just tells me that it's a miracle. He can't even explain what happened. "It was a miracle you were even born at all, it's a miracle you're not retarded and walking and breathing on your own let alone thinking at all..and now this?" after that everything's just been a blur. I stayed in school and graduated highschool stopped all my shenanigans at 13. And here I am 20 years old here typing this and staring at the ceiling ocasionally. Just lost as fuck. Still poor, still sleeping in the floor.
>>28471958
*on the floor
Not in. What a fucking joke.
