I don't get close to people.
People see this "quirky mysterious awesome mess" and they instantly fall in love with someone they hardly know. I am silent so they get curious and think I'm hiding a great personality, I am pissed so I live impulsively and they find me exciting, and then they find my little quirks... delightful, somehow. People find all these "great things about me". I'm really just an emotionally fucked nerd (nobody knows shit about my real interests or thoughts...) but I'm also overwhelmed with thinking I'm some kind of blistering star. I love captivating people and holding their attention and pulling strings. It's a rush.
When I was in my teens I was incredibly self-loathing and world-loathing. I wanted to burn down anything I could along with me. It's just being a teen, right? It was bolstered by my shitty upbringing. Something about "not being like the other kids" and something about "being a little off". I dragged people down to my level and that would include sleeping with people just to use them as time and space filler and I'd let them go with hardly a care. I couldn't fucking connect with people but I loved having them in the palm of my hand. I kept trying and trying and I would sleep with people thinking maybe I'd love them if I fucked them but that wasn't how it worked. I thought maybe if I fucked them I would desire someone but I found people so repugnant... I just can't care for them.
I love to create an image and manipulate people with it.
I still get the same month or so of chemicals rushing through my brain when I find someone kind of interesting. I want to keep them and make them mine, completely mine... And I'm so disgustingly good at it, it scares me... It scares me I can make someone desperately in love with me or wanting to marry me... it's awful when a few months pass and I let go.
>>28415400
I've realised this behaviour though and I've figured it is best for me if I just keep to myself. I've bowed my head into work and I've isolated myself since last year. I had spent a good deal of time on /r9k/ until even then, I decided I'd just drop the Internet. I've moved and I severed myself from all the people who were "friends" and "family".
I am alone and I feel sick now. But I think this is how it should be. I wish I could love and I wish I could care about people but I just can't. I'm alone in my head. No matter how many people I kept, I was still alone in my head... I never showed them who I was... This really isn't that much different, is it?
I've always been alone in my head.
>>28415400
You must be attractive. I tried the "le edgy and mysterious" angle but it completely backfired because I'm an ugly chinlet.
Anyway, thanks for the blog post.
Fuck you. You're just a 2deep attention whore who thinks its "edgy" to have a mental illness. You probably watch girl interrupted 20 times for ~*inspiration*~ for your blog
>>28415458
Being attractive does fucking nothing. Nobody matters to me. I had my foot in the door and it has done nothing.
No problem on the blog post though. I felt like getting it out and I don't have a blog so you guys will suffer instead.
>>28415475
Yes. I am an attention whore.
No. I am not sitting here glorifying mental illness by trying to be edgy. If I wanted edge cred, I'd slap my name on it and go to Tumblr.
I think I'm fucked up and I'm pissed at myself for being like this.
Also I have no idea what you're talking about for the latter chunk of your reply.
>>28415400
You sound like you have a narcissism and ego problem. Sociopaths don't think the way you do so don't worry about that. Get some therapy and you can be perfectly emotionally well adjusted
>>28415514
Therapists and psychs are a joke. I've been to a good handful and they just use me for money and throw pills at me.
>>28415512
>Being attractive does fucking nothing
wow, you really are delusional
>>28415552
How does being attractive help if you don't connect with anyone with interests or personality or just... mentally? You're always going to be alone in your head.
>>28415400
You enjoy the attention that comes with this "edgy lifestyle" so you are self destructive and avoid the things that would actually help simply to feed your ego.
Enjoy your shitty life. It's gonna suck when you get tired of fucking around and realize you've wasted your life on childish edge
OP
I was like that at the age of 16-17 for me it was like a game just manioulating girls as I wanted but eventually I grew out of it.
Maybe you will too
>>28415654
I've already written that I moved and focus on work and keep to myself. I've gotten away with impulsive living just fine. I've had some good life experiences.
You guys keep saying "edge" and "ego", but my impulsivity and my ability to attract people were just a part of how I am as a teen. I'm already tired of it. It doesn't fix the problem I have were I cannot connect to people.
>>28415693
I already have grown past it. I'm still troubled my lack of being able to connect with people.
>>28415588
You fucking dip, good luck trying to connect with anyone when you're so ugly they don't even want to look at you when they're talking to you. Being attractive is an automatic foot in the door in all relationships, sexual and otherwise.
Am I supposed to feel bad for you or something? You're not a robot. This isn't your blog. Go the fuck away.
Ree.
>>28415735
What is a robot to you?
I never connect with anyone but i pretend to do so just because its so easy.
The only people you should connect to is your family and your gf. Like I did.
>>28415400
More like superiority complex. Take a good look in the mirror and stop taking yourself so seriously, because you are just a shit person and not some sort sociopath or grand manipulator.
Even normies fake connections :)
>>28415822
I just feel disgusting I've entrapped so many people and I never really cared for them. People lusting makes them very easy to manipulate. It's not grand, but it definitely feels worrisome.
In the end i was manipulating in the good way like trying to turn they're lifes around because it was easy to guide them.
With such an skill you and with the right people you can basically do what ever you want so why not do some good with it.
>>28415588
>grandiose delusions
OP
Post an pic with yourself maybe we are not so different.
>>28415987
I could throw people in the "right" direction, yeah. I feel I can only do gentle nudges for that. People are much more likely to do terrible things than doing things that are good for them.
>>28416034
Nice try.
>>28415400
Is that blood?
Im the same person who posted earlier man
>>28416080
It's funny, because I meant to post this originally. But yeah. Sure.
>>28416080
You're bad at using >>
I also don't want to post my face here.
Im on my phone i have no idea how to use >>
Why not?
You think the robots might stalk you? Why give a shit what they think
>>28416206
There are people on this board who definitely would recognise me.
>>28415400
You need to be 18 to post in this board
Sounds like malignant narcissism.
>>28416299
Nice try. I'm in my twenties.
>>28416316
Probably. Sure. Reflection and remorse = narcissism
Lol I bet you can't get me to fall in love with you
>>28416420
Okay? This won't even go anywhere, so yes, I agree.
>>28416438
It was a joke mate, but really, add me on Skype bb
You're demonstratively narcissistic. I had a friend that did what you did more than you possibly ever could. But he never talked about it in some grandiose speech. He doesn't feel like he has an epic story to tell.
Just saying.
CRAWWWWWLING IIIIIN MYYY SKIIII1INNNNN
>>28416449
I'm not feeling it.
>>28416466
Has he backpeddled from that behaviour and severed everyone from his life and has had plenty of time to drown himself in work and reflection? I find it funny you describe my speech grandiose or epic. It feels pretty grand to me considering I've had a completely flip flop in my living.
>>28416506
>did he do these things that makes me unique and better than him in a dark and tortured way
Imagine yourself getting up at a social gathering and reciting the OP like you were narrating a gripping tale. Imagine how they'd react.
Take yourself a lil bit less seriously
>>28416537
People tend to love hearing me talk about things I'm passionate about. My writing somewhat follows that. Sorry not sorry it's not your style.
which school are you planning on shooting up?
>>28416603
Amazing mental gymnastics to work around the fact that you're still painfully inwardly focused. Hope you didn't spend all of those 10 minutes fuming
>>28415400
>being this fucking edgy
LMAO epitome of crawling in my skin. Your post is literally every post ever made on this site you snowflake.
>>28416629
Surprisingly, I haven't been feverishly refreshing this thread just to talk to you. I spend some alone time trying to figure out what feels wrong and I just get called narcissistic.
>>28416625
I don't go to school, but maybe I'll visit yours, kid.
>>28416647
I don't REEEE and bitch about never getting laid enough.
>>28416662
post manifesto pls
>>28416662
Where are you from OP?
You remind me of an edgelord I went to school with
OP do you wear big ol shoes and a red honkin nose cause ur a clown haha
>your ego won't permit you to not give me a (You)
>>28416703
Here you go, friend. You're my favourite.
>>28416662
>I don't REEEE and bitch about never getting laid enough
Do you bitch and REEEE when you bang those nasty scene kids or landwhales OP no way normal people could handle your 2cool4school attitude.
>>28416662
>I spend some time alone to figure out what feels wrong
You failed at the first step Mr Narcissist
Strangely this barrage of froglets trying to take me down a peg has felt nice. I think I'm going to go out for some dinner.
Thanks for your time, boys. There is more to mull over.
>>28416299
You have to be 15, pretending to be 17, pretending to be 25, pretending to be 18 to pretend to post on 4chan.
>>28416733
>trying to take me down a peg
Not even close. Don't run away from your issues btw. What restaurant are you going to btw
>>28416752
I know you guys could be much more vicious. It'd be a waste of effort considering my bloated ego though.
I'm spending plenty of time to face my issues. I need to learn how to connect with people genuinely. I'm tired of the shit.
It's also a local restaurant, so not answering that.
>>28416777
Accepting that you're a tiny bit full of yourself on some level is a good first step, talking to someone is a better first step. Let us know when you get a good therapist and they tell you what some of us have after a month of draining your $
>>28415400
When I was eighteen I blew up 12 planets and I had my own Galactic fleet.
You're nothing special, kiddo
>>28416795
He would proceed to call the therapist "full of shit"
>>28415400
Same to be originally honest
>>28415400
you're a fucking autist that's what you are
>>28415400
You're not a special snowflake OP. I can name a dozen other people like you. My ex comes off like that now that I think about it, and I could smell her issues from a mile away. Only reason why I stuck by her as long as I did was because I am a decent human bean.
You, however, are not. And neither was my ex.
