ITT times people forced you to do normie things
>mom's new boyfriend wants to take me to the movies
>say I don't like the movie theater
>he says I need to get out of the house anyway
>he uses a mean voice so I decide not to talk to him for the day
>still have to go with him anyway
>he tries to talk to me before the movie starts
>stay silent and look at the ground until he shuts up
>movie starts, the screen is too bright and it hurts my eyes
>get really anxious so I sneak out of the theater to go to the lobby
>go up againt the wall and put my forehead against it to calm myself down
>someone shakes my shoulder and asks if I'm okay
>start hitting him and screaming as I automatically do whenever someone touches me
>he starts calling me names and a theater worker tells me to leave so I do
>try to run home, but get tired
>see a picnic table at a park and crawl under it
>people keep bothering me under there so I bark at them to make them leave
>with everyone gone, feel safe and cozy and take a nap
>when I wake up my mom and her new boyfriend is there
>they tell me to get out from under the park bench
>still in my silent mood and don't want to talk to them
>mom promises me McDonalds if I come out so I do
>tfw they just drive me straight home without getting McDonalds
>>28400174
>be a kid
>mom forces me to socialize with neighborhood kids
>be a kid
>forced to go on vacation and summer camps
My mother never forced me to do any normie things as a child and enabled my ineptitude. She basically didn't parent me at all and I blame her for 90% of what's wrong with me.
>mom tried to get me to socialize with other kids
>refused and played halo in the basement instead
Haha, fuck that bitch. I showed her.
>>28400835
>Smart enough to realize what's wrong with you
>Still do nothing to fix it
>Instead blame it on bad parenting
Anon, you are the problem, not your mother.
>>28400927
It's PTSD though and I've tried for 8 years to get rid of it.
>be 8
>be forced to play outside in the woods with 5 year old loli cousin from dawn to dusk or else we get beaten
>sexual play all day
>grow up to be a pedophile
Thx, mom.
>>28401000
Got any Stories of this sir?
>>28401000
I would also like to hear some stories
nice trips
>>28400983
How do you have PTSD?
>>28401057
>be building a fort put of old branches
>manage to get some shade
>it's small and hot
>we go in, have to sit next to each other
>start touching her
>she initiates kissing
>give her the snack from my lunch
>loiter around and not mention anything
>go home at sundown and never speak of it
>do it next time too
She's Stacey now though.
>>28400174
>>tfw they just drive me straight home without getting McDonalds
the worst feel anon, were all your GBPs out ?
>>28401178
I don't know. I didn't think it was PTSD until I got my medical records from my psych.
I guess because of being abused emotionally, mentally, physically, and financially by most of my family members, sister killing herself, being bullied throughout my entire developmental years, never being good enough in my advanced and AP courses because of shifty home life even though I got high grades on tests, being bullied and abandoned by friends when I needed them, etc.
I didn't think it was PTSD until I read those reports, but I guess it makes sense. There are other things that relate to the trauma like a persistent depersonalization/derealization disorder with long lasting episodes for the last 8 years, too.
Thanks for reading my blog.
>>28401180
>sexual play all day
>kissing
>>28401282
>>start touching her
>>28401350
gotta give me more detail than that senpai
>>28400174
>tfw my mom gave me cologne this christmas to "help me to get a gf"
The poor, delusional fuck. She still thinks she's going to be getting grandchildren.
>>28401389
It's too personal to give you all the details, especially in public. Besides, SJWmod is usually on around this time, and I'd just get banned for "idiot pedophile" again.
>>28401477
>online image board
>public
>too personal
>>28401477
>canadian dick swinging contest forum
>completely anonymous
>too personal
>SJWmod
wew lad
>>28401477
>details of something you did as an 8 year old will get you banned
Don't be a fag.
>>28401517
>>28401583
>>28401606
Articulating the feeling of what was under her skirt is really awkward. And I know several of want to fap. I am not that kind of exhibitionist lad.
>>28401674
post dick then
Unsurpirsingly not original.
>Be reluctantly at family gathering.
>Loud hip-hop/pop music starts to play.
>Someone bellows "Dance competition!!".
>Begin to sweat profusely.
>>28401755
You missed out an opportunity to dance naked on a table, anon.
>>28401271
Shit mane, I feel bad now for blaming you instead of your mother. Stay strong Anon-kun.
>>28401802
I see my psychiatrist again on Monday but he always just makes things worse. I think he's going to force me to see a therapist after I tell him I'm just done with any medication that isn't for managing anxiety.
Also probably gonna go order steroids or DNP so I can feel less disgusted with my body soon. Probably DNP first.
>>28401674
Why is there a fire hydrant in the middle of that field in your picture?
>>28401929
It's a park. Have you never been to one?
>>28401961
All the parls I've been too just had rusty playscape equipment and dog shit everywhere. None had living trees and green grass.
>>28402256
I'm sorry you were born to a poor family, but decent neighborhoods have parks like that.
>>28401905
Disgusted with yourself how? What's DNP?
>>28401271
I had a really similar experience except with less friendship rejection and no sister suicide. Other stuff happened though. I have no diagnosis outside of borderline personality.
>>28402567
My psych suspects a personality disorder but he didn't specify as to which. He said I'm among the most manipulative he has ever treated. I'm gonna ask him about it on Monday.
Disgusted in that I'm not as thin as I want to be. I used to be anorexic back when I was 14 and since I started eating again I've just been struggling with accepting my body. I want to be thinner. So much thinner.
DNP is a drug that inhibits phosphorylation in your mitochondria and this increases your metabolic rate by a large margin. It basically melts fat off your body but you can die if you take too much and there's no antidote or antagonist for it so you have to buy from secondhand dealers.
>>28402795
Are these posts the same person?
I want to be a lot thinner too and I could starve myself a lot better if I didn't have this constant emptiness inside. It's not even hunger, it's just emptiness that doesn't go away no matter how much I eat.
My lowest weight I was 47kg at 6'1 and they said pack it in or I was going to be feeding tubed.
I have borderline personality disorder and they kicked me out of therapy when I hit 18.
>>28402973
Which posts? This is PTSD guy yeah.
You should go back into therapy if you want to function socially.
>>28403304
I replied to two posts and got one reply that was kind of relevant to both my replies which made me think both posts were made by the same guy? Yeah that was you.
I don't want to function socially. I do, but equally if not more I want to deliberately spiral out of control and ride out my manias to cause as much damage to myself and my environment and people around me as possible then kill myself when it gets bad enough.
Good luck fixing that.
>>28400174
You're a retard OP, congratulations. How's special ed classes going?
>>28403394
Well good luck on your crusade then m8.
It won't make an iota of difference in the grand scheme, and not one person will care since you've likely alienated all of them, but at least you'll be doing what you want.
>>28403485
The reverse psychology isn't going to work on me, but I appreciate the sentiment. I'm slowly alienating everyone and my boyfriend wants a break and wants me sectioned. It'll happen sooner or later.
>>28403543
Sometimes people need to hit rock bottom to get better. My sister was BPD and when she hit the bottom she killed herself instead of improving.
If you think this is what you must do then do it.
BTW you're always going to be fucked with the boyfriend thing. There are very few men or women who can deal with mental Illness of any kind, especially BPD. Personally I could deal with all of it so long as you didn't end up cheating, but that's pretty irrelevant and I have my own issues that I'm sure you wouldn't like.
>>28402795
How are those refeeding farts going, clear out a bus if I remember mine right
>>28403767
I think I'd be okay with killing myself.
I'm an ex normie who was basically perfection until the bullshit happened. My brain is changed forever and realistically I will never recover to even a tiny part of how I used to be.
I've been with him for like 18 months and as I revealed more that was true about myself the more he seemed to have second thoughts. What are your issues?
>>28403842
I never had to get them but that was 8 years ago m8.
>>28403878
I wish you a painless death then. Hope you'll reconsider and try to get things under control, but if not then I wish you the best death possible.
I already said I have PTSD related issues, depersonalization/derealization (don't recognize myself in the mirror and don't feel like real life is real; feels like a dream), dysthymia, and possibly some level of body dysmorphia. Oh and that suspected unspecified personality disorder.
I've had months where I talk to no one, don't post on 4chan even, and just waste in my bed. Then I have a few days-weeks of functioning. Rinse repeat. Meds don't work on me and I've tried many.
>>28403999
Nice trips. I wonder if the 999 is telling me anything?
I have all of those too except not recognising myself. I recognise myself but it's not truly me. I don't know what "i" look like, but it's not this weird impersonation.
Maybe you have treatment resistant bipolar disorder? I don't know what that means medication wise but it could be a start.
>>28404221
>Maybe you have treatment resistant bipolar disorder? I don't know what that means medication wise but it could be a start.
I thought I had something related to that, as did one of my old psychs, called bipolar depression, but this new one ruled it out because the hypomanic episodes associated with it were deemed, and this is from his medical report:
"His descriptions of so-called 'hypomanic' episodes appear to be normal age-appropriate behavior for a non-depressed person."
So I don't know. Later in the reports he talks about dysthymia and PTSD. The derealization/depersonalization issues (oh I forgot to mention visual snow. My vision looks like this in all light levels) are constant and he does not know (especially the visual snow) how to treat or deal with them. He wants to ship me off to a therapist to get a lethal dose of morphine.
The main issue with the treatable conditions is that I simply don't, or stop, responding to treatments even after the dose is increased for absolutely no reason. Thus he thinks I'm a lying sack of shit there to get drugs or something.
>Family gathering
>Come on anon, drink some alcohol!
>Keep drinking! It's fun!
>Just end up feeling ill and a bit numb.
>Normies like to do this regularly
I expected it from friends, peer pressure and such.
>>28404348
Well maybe your highs are much lower than the standard for DSM diagnosable hypomania? You could still have it.
Did you do any drugs in the past? Ever had hormone tests? Diabetes?
>>28404444
>Did you do any drugs in the past?
some minor weed use and some psychedelic use to try and face my issues head on that didn't get anywhere.
>Ever had hormone tests? Diabetes?
No and no.
Any time I was made to go to a birthday party of a kid of my mother's friends when I was younger. So many people I didn't know, so many people I never met again.
Then the party games were even worse. Never took part in any despite my family constantly trying to make me. They were always humiliating and shit. There was one that was legit just girls chasing guys and trying to yank their shirts off. It was creepy at that age. Just ended up with a bunch of torn shirts.
I did always play pass the parcel, though. Because I wanted the prize.
>>28404461
Maybe you should get tested for the hormone and diabetic stuff.
Did the visual snow only start after the drugs?
>>28404533
>Did the visual snow only start after the drugs?
No I've had it since I was 13.
>Maybe you should get tested for the hormone and diabetic stuff.
You mean a T test? I am positive I don't have diabeetus or I would be dead at this point.
>15
>Dad and stepmom take me and brother to stepmoms friends house
>her friend has two daughters my age
>they follow me around and try to talk to me but i ignore them the entire time
>my dad notices and rages at me in the backyard, ending with me punching him in the face and then he backed up and calmed down and told me to play baggo with them
>i sulk the rest of the night
My dad always sticks his head in the sand with me, then when he sees how bad i really am he gets emotional, even 4 years later at 19 hes doing the same thing
>>28404571
Oh okay, so it's not hallucinogenic persisting perception disorder. Dunno man.
I mean all sorts of hormonal tests. A full "scan" so to speak. I think you'd be surprised how much your body can deal with diabetes without killing you. 100% worth ruling out physical/endocrinological causes of your problems.
>>28402795
I bought mine first hand. There actually is an antidote, dnp overdose is incredibly similar to malignant hyperthermia from anesthesia. If you did OD you're not going to get the drug though. Even in the OR people die all the time from the reaction.
Anyway dnp is stupidly overpriced. Buy first hand and cap yourself in #4 straight up or in #00 and use ascorbic acid to cut it at 250mg active ingredient each. First hand is like one tenth the price.
>>28404629
I'll ask him about it. Thanks BPD anon.
Don't kill yourself now. For me.
Be my gf.
>>28404938
>Anyway dnp is stupidly overpriced. Buy first hand and cap yourself in #4 straight up or in #00 and use ascorbic acid to cut it at 250mg active ingredient each. First hand is like one tenth the price.
Advice on where to buy first hand? I was thinking of just ordering from dinitro.
>>28404938
Oh and regarding the antidote I'm assuming you're talking about dantroline, yes? I'll remember that in case I ever need to be taken the ER for hyperthermia.
>>28404969
I'm a male. That makes it all the worse to be a fucking borderline because it's fundamentally a female disorder.
>>28404606
one day hes going to die
Just had a similar experience.
>Go to see civil war with only friend, he basically forced me
>This black obviously retarded guy keeps trying to talk to me
>Can't do anything but freeze and hide my head. Can't tell him to fuck off
>Gets too bad, run away and hide in the bathroom.
>Friend keeps trying to text me to come back
>Can't leave, he wont take me home, I'm stuck here. I have no money to Bart home and he refuses to leave.
>Sit in the bathroom whole movie, crying.
Why am I like this.
>>28405279
I also feel really bad for the guy, which made everything worse. He was only trying to talk to another human, and I ignored him. I really hope he didn't take it personally.
>>28405116
>I'm a male. That makes it all the worse to be a fucking borderline because it's fundamentally a female disorder.
It's okay m8. It's more often found in females, but a male having it isn't any reason to beat yourself up over. My visual snow issues are mostly found in females too, but it is what it is.
>>28405401
It is to me. I hate all things feminine because I'm an obvious gay male against my will. I fucking detest being detectable. I never used to be obvious until everything happened.
>>28405401
>My visual snow issues are mostly found in females too
is it? I always had it too but it doesn't really interfere with my vision so I always ignored it.
>>28405449
I don't know what you mean by gay male against your will, but you just need to drop the idea that BPD is a feminine disorder. There are plenty of diseases that affect females more often than males due to a variety of factors, but that does not mean that the disorder is inherently feminine.
Females often get it because they have daddy issues or got diddled. You said you had similar issues to mine growing up so you probably have enough exposure to things that cause the issue in both males and females.
Mental illness doesn't pick and choose genders. There's nothing wrong with you for having it even though girls have it more besides the social stigma against people the have the disease at all. If people are going to think less of you it's because you have BPD; not because you have BPD and a benis.
>>28405545
>is it? I always had it too but it doesn't really interfere with my vision so I always ignored it.
Yeah. Sometimes mine gets bad enough that I can't really see but it's tied to certain stimuli.
>>28400797
>"you'll appreciate it when you're older"
i'm 23 now, how much longer do i have to wait?
>>28405855
Well I mean I'm gay (which I never asked for or wanted, I was fully bisexual until 12 which i was okay with) and it's slightly too obvious that I'm gay. I hate being as effeminate as I am, it feels like I'm trapped in the wrong "mode" of sexuality and self expression because my true self is dead.
>>28405934
If you want to eliminate the femininity you could always do a short cylce of Test-E.
Or you could trap.
Or you could just accept it.
>>28401905
>Also probably gonna go order steroids or DNP so I can feel less disgusted with my body soon. Probably DNP first.
DNP + clen + ketotifen + GW-1516 + ostarine/lgd
>>28405970
I'm very cautious of self medicating because hormones are not to be fucked with and my self perception is skewed due to slight body dysmorphia. I don't want to be a roidbro but I want more masculine features, thought patterns, behaviour and mannerisms.
I will never fucking trap. ever.
I won't accept it, it makes me too miserable and powerless which is one of the worst things for me.
>>28406016
I don't want to do it all at once. I want to shed weight with the DNP and then maybe try roiding to build some extra muscle mass, but not that much. I don't want to be Zyzz at all.
>>28406049
A small dose cycle of roids with and AI and PCT will not interfere with your natural hormone production and will definitely make you feel and look more masculine.
It might help a lot. The effect of the roids themselves would help you feel much more manly.
Roids really aren't as dangerous as you might think so long as you do the proper after care and don't stay on them for a long time.
>>28406105
>I don't want to do it all at once. I want to shed weight with the DNP and then maybe try roiding to build some extra muscle mass, but not that much. I don't want to be Zyzz at all.
it will be much more effective if you do it like that. the only drug on there that acts on the androgen receptor is the LGD or ostarine, which are SARMS not steroids and are researched to prevent muscle wasting. also look into mk-677
>>28406173
I think you're assuming I have muscle go waste in the first place. I literally have none at all.
I don't want to go to the gym right now and I don't want to do any exercise. I want to lay in bed and eat next to nothing while I sweat my ass off until the weight I want gone is gone.
And chug water of course.
I'll do a steroid course later when I feel like I am capable of keeping an exercise regimen and not quitting.
>>28400174
Christopher John Francis Boone, is that you?
>>28406259
>I think you're assuming I have muscle go waste in the first place. I literally have none at all.
then every reason to get on these SARMS desu. it will prevent the muscle catabolism and you will only lose fat
>I don't want to go to the gym right now and I don't want to do any exercise. I want to lay in bed and eat next to nothing while I sweat my ass off until the weight I want gone is gone.
these drugs are being researched for the elderly who are brittle and weak and it's supposed to help them gain the muscle back they need to perform their day-to-day functions.
>>28406347
So lgd or ostarine then, or both?
DNP + both will give better effects? I'm assuming I'd want to take 12.5mg ostarine and 5mg lgd?
>>28406486
Mk677 and s4 are always fun drugs to add. I wouldn't stress muscle wasting too much though. Dnp is somewhat muscle sparing and if you run anadrol and trenbolone with the testosterone you're already looking at stretch marks if you aren't careful. You're gonna' blow the fuck up if you're only 50kg or so at the start.
>>28400174
Jesus christ, what a fucking wimp. Get a grip, you should be whipped.
>say I don't like the movie theater
>he says I need to get out of the house anyway
>he uses a mean voice so I decide not to talk to him for the day
>still have to go with him anyway
>he tries to talk to me before the movie starts
>stay silent and look at the ground until he shuts up
>movie starts, the screen is too bright and it hurts my eyes
>get really anxious so I sneak out of the theater to go to the lobby
Can you even make this shit up?
>>28406486
either take osta or LGD probs. lgd is just more potent. i would say start with osta tbqh
>>28406894
Y so bully? Does your peepee feel big and good when you hurt those who are already hurting? You're pathetic.
>poor vision and sensitive to bright sunlight
>forced to try out for baseball
>get hit on head with a baseball, entire ear turns purple from bruises
>>28400174
>join the army
>killed someone, i guess
>manlet
>don't like sports
>don't care for physical competition
>manlet
>parents make me join the basketball team
>couldn't even shoot for shit compared to other kids
>everyone else loved the sport and joined the team because they wanted to play
>shortest on the team except 1 kid but he was good
>never scored a single point
>only touched the ball twice
>one of the times i touched it i dribbled with 2 hands and it was a foul
>everyone knew i was the worst by far
were they punishing me??? i got straight A's. WTF???
>>28406894
It's fake nigger.
>be me
>"just get a job anon!"
>"you need a job anon come on"
Everything is about jobs with my parents
Even if i tell them that i have constant panic attacks just from talking to people
>"thats no excuse anon, you're an adult now"
Kill me please
>>28401424
My sister gets that burden, my mom knows I'm a failure, but she won't be explicit about it.
