I just wanted to tell someone how I feel because it's strange and maybe it can come as some comfort--or maybe I'm just trying to comfort myself. I'm not sure. But bear with me.
I told her it was okay.
For the past month we've been struggling with this. And I chose not to leave her even though we both felt it was coming. She had been completely disowned by her family for a long time, was just very down recently, and had gotten pretty reclusive in the past months, and I couldn't bring myself to leave her. Maybe I thought that would keep her here longer, or maybe I just loved her that much. That isn't to say I didn't try to "help" her at first. I did. I gave her the money to see a therapist at first--which to my absolute panicked regret put her on suicide watch for a few weeks. When she got out I went with her everywhere, took her on extravagant dates so she could just "get out." It has been a real roller coaster of feeling like we would be okay and then getting down to where she reminded me we had to be "realistic" again--realistic about her mortality and our relationship.
I don't know if I regret "letting" her go. No, I think all things considered, given the end, I'm glad I did because I think I knew it would happen. I think I accepted it in these last few weeks. And at least she knew someone was there for her, and her last thoughts weren't of total loneliness.
Even though she did it after I had loved her so much, and stayed with her through it all, and tried so hard, I'm working on being okay with it. It would be a lie to say that now she is gone I am completely "okay." It is still so fresh I think there may be a good bit of denial running through my subconscious--I have to remind myself she won't ever come over again. She'll never be in my bed again. I won't ever hear another "I love you"--but this is NOT a survivor story, forgive me--But I am not mad at her, and I can understand that it didn't matter what I did it still had to happen. And given that absolute, this was the best way it could have gone. I know that.
She was amazing to me, and I will miss her company and think about her for a very long time if not the rest of my life. She had to go, but before she did she gave me something beautiful and lovely I won't forget.
She left a note, only for me. Not the family that disowned her, or her friends or anyone else. Only me. It was short and sweet and I might post it if I can bring myself to believe she wouldn't mind. I loved her. I love her. I still love her.
I just wanted to share with you here. There aren't many in my life I can tell "I told her it was okay." And even less I can tell about the nuances and my growing happiness for her to have finally be rid of the struggle she fought so long and hard with--not a struggle with depression as much as a struggle with just having to be alive. I know she's finally free of her incurable self hatred and her honest detest of life in practically all it's facets. And this isn't to say I understood her mind or to what all extent it really was inevitable or how much she did or didn't "want" to do it. But just I "can" understand how it was a necessity and it didn't matter what she or I did, it wasn't really ever going to get better any other way than this.
Thank you for reading. I just want you all to know that while I'm not suicidal myself, I am an absolute ally. I respect and have nothing but compassion for the struggle to live or die, the endless attempts at making it just possible to be even a little better just to be met with the same old pain and sorrow no matter what, the inevitability of it all. While I can't truly know what that's like, I can understand that thanks to my wonderful girlfriend. And I hope however you find it, what ever "it" may be--release, happiness, freedom, whatever it is for you, and whether that is in death, or in a successful attempt at life, or something different altogether, you do indeed find it. My girlfriend found it. She knew it with all her heart and she got it. I hope you all do too.
TL;DR: I told my girlfriend it was okay to kill herself
You did good. and did the right thing, she couldn't live in peace, so may she rest in peace. live is a real struggle when your always depressed but atleast you gave her moments of happynes, maybe even a smile and those moments will stay with her forever and ever. im proud of you.
Because love liberates and the ego binds.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cbecKv2xR14
>>28233533
fuck, it's too early for feels my man
You definitely did the right thing. If she was going to do it anyway, your support gave her some peace with her decision. Much better than blindly arguing with her when it really wasn't up to you at all. If you had given her a hard time about it she would have died knowing you were angry at her and you would regret it for the rest of your life.
