please help
for most of my life i was raised by a single mom who psychologically abused the fuck out of me neglected me etc. i was never touched, cuddled, coddled, touched, or anything of the sorts.
i tried to make friends on the internet but everyone slowly moved away or thought i was too weird or whatever
i eventually found 4chan and found people i could actually relate to and be myself around and this was fine, around puberty i started to feel dysphoria and really want to be cute and stuff and i was very scared of becoming a man so, i found out what traps were and said i wanted to be that and took hrt, people already mistook me for a girl anyways so it would be easy
at this point i had been talking to people online a lot, slowly trying to make myself more social and able to talk to people and people showed interest in me.
eventually i ended up fucking up relationship after relationship friendship after friendship by fucked up trust issues all the while becoming more confident, extroverted, and putting a complete wall up. now this wasn't who i really was at all, i'm a shy meek person who just wants to be taken care of.
at this point in my life i dont know what to do. i self-destruct any relationship i have, any friendship i have. people who've known me for ages who i actually can trust ive hurt too much for them to fully trust me. i am alone. i have never had any issues finding people to be with when i put up my wall, when i pretend to be someone im not. i could get girlfriends, boyfriends. it doesn't matter, but it doesn't matter to me. i dont care about the sex, i dont care about the people. i want intimacy, and its something ive never felt except a few times in my life.
how am i supposed to fix this? if i act like my shy meek self i could sit here for days and nobody would talk to me, nobody would care about me. i can tell people "i'm fine" while having a mental breakdown and clearly unhinged and upset and they just pretend to believe me
i just dont know what to do. im scared. im alone.
i push anyone away that tries to help me and then in my head the fact that they dont force their will on me it makes me internalise the fact that they hate me, which makes me want to fucking kill myself and makes me push away even further
i know i need help, i know i really need help. ive been trying to so hard to be normal the past year. i do everything for people i care about to the point of completely destroying my brain and stressing myself out.
i cant do it anymore. i cant project what i want people to treat me like anymore. i just want to be myself, but nobody likes me, im either a sex object or im a provider. nobody would care about me if i didnt pretend to be extroverted and happy or i wasn't attractive
its just the fucking truth
please help please someone tell me im wrong or tell me that this isn't true or something i need help please
Cool, I have moderately similar feels outside the becoming a trap part. You sound like a textbook cyborg to me. Have you seen a psychiatrist?
You should get checked for borderline. Maybe antisocial. I don't know quite how you get out of feeling miserable about it long term since I'm really just starting too, but medication does help.
>>28107890
ive been diagnosed with both of these
medication didnt help it fucked me up mentally made me dead inside and i literally made no attempt to do anything
i just want someone to care about me, to show interest in me. ive been showing interest in people for so long, going out of my way to make them feel happy like i never did, doing things for them that nobody had ever done for me but that i had always wanted
i dont understand i dont get it. i am surrounded by people yet i am completely isolated, i am alone. i just want to die, i want to be cared for, i want to feel loved
images like pic related make me cry because of how upset i get that i never have known this feel, even most people here know what its like for a family member to coddle them and unconditionally love them as a child... i dont even have that
>>28107947
I didn't either. Sucks, OP. Do you have goals? That's a normieshit thing to ask, but for me one of the only things keeping me alive is a drive to go to medical school so I can one-up all the people that have hurt me throughout life.
>>28107778
Oh so you were raised as a man?
How dreadful.
No really, your problems are no worse than anyone else's.
Start showing interest in yourself you loser. Eating right and exercising.
Start taking some pride in yourself. Seeing someone go to shreds over something as pathetic as not being hugged is beyond distasteful.
I hauled myself up from far below where you are now.
>>28108015
i want to be a housewife and take care of the house and cook and clean and stuff and have someone take care of me emotionally
>>28108036
i do eat right, i do exercise. i do take care of myself, and everyone else i know.
i put a lot of effort into myself. i am confident, extroverted, and out-going to everyone who knows me in real life. nobody knows i feel like this.
h-hi is anyone there p-please respond ;_; im dying inside
Sorry I really don't know what advice to give
There should be a support group for this sort of shit desu
>>28108740
i just dont know what to do
i want to fucking kill myself and i just want someone to help me
;_;
Sometimes I play video games on YouTube and ramble about whatever's going on in my life. They get some 80 views, or just post in Frogs and Feels. What sorts of outlets for your feels do you have? Do you think you could be honest with any of the people whom you hang out with?
I had a close call recently and gave my /k/ stuff to a friend to hold; he was surprised as fuck.
>>28108998
i have no outlet
i feel like i could be honest with a few of them but they'd end up worrying about me and i dont want them to feel like shit because of me..
Are you cute OP?
I'd date you if you were. real intimacy here
>>28109095
You should try it. Maybe ease into it by finding out if they had mental health issues themselves and talking to the people that are most likely to be sympathetic.
>mfw pretend problems
>>28109228
i dont know. i haven't had any issues scoring qts ever, people say im cute all the time and compliment me when i look for it, but i never generally do. if i ever feel upset about how i look people scream at me and get mad and offended or something
so i guess im cute? idk i dont think i am but if i look at it rationally im not sure how ive been able able to be liked/loved by so many people over the years since im not a very good person
>>28109245
all the people i know and trtust with that stuff ive already said this stuff too, they just tell me to get therapy and wont seriously talk to me or make any effort to be affectionate or comfort me. they just treat me like im not mentically handicapped from neverending horrdenous psychological abuse for my entire life..
I'd basically marry any traditional feminine qt that wants to put out kids. The problem is that you use 4chan and I'm sure you have a lot of 'internet friends'. Anyone who doesn't recognize this as a red flag is going to be cucked hard.
Also I didn't read your long whiny post(s). I could tell you were trying really hard to type like a girl and it made me want to cave your skull in you roastie turd.
>>28109393
this is how ive always typed. its the most utilitarian way to get my point across in the fastest way possible, not talking like a girl.
all my internet friends ive known in real life
but ok
>>28109438
Alright. Do you want to get married?
>>28109556
i dont know you so i cant really answer that question lad
>>28107778
post contact info pls
I want to love you, anon.
>>28109567
I'm not too ugly, and in 5 years I'll either be really rich or homeless. You in? (If yes I'll need to see an image of you before I make a decision, along with your sexual history)
whats up yaka
>>28109621
[email protected]
if you want i guess
>>28109329
Got a skype?
I wanna see you w.w
this is me
>>28109728
Sent
Im bad at talking but you seem genuinely nice
im not bullying~
>>28109626
Omg blastard dude OP IS A GUY U FUCKING RETARD
>>28107778
There's only one way anyone here can give you sensible advice on how to move forward, OP.
You have to post pics.
>>28109891
well i look like a girl and stuff, but yeah im just a boy i guess
>>28109891
>implying I'd read all that whiny shit
