Hey, /r9k/. I've accepted that I am ending my life this winter.
It's a low time for me.
I'm accepting it with grandeur. I'm writing a 6- 9 month inquisitive essay on what has led me to this decision (thanks, college!).
Before any of you guys come on and say:
>plan means failure
>you won't do it
Ah, you see, my suicide is fullproof.
You see, I still live with my parents, and therefore, my father. Every winter, my father, like me, has a seasonal mood shift. His depression shifts his mood into anger. Mine pushes me in deep sadness. This happens every year. It has since 5th grade.
>he snaps
>I become suicidal
>I go way up on my medication, still suicidal
But now, I have the money and the means to buy a rifle and end my life.
My question for you guys is:
>where to post essay/note so you guys may read it when I die?
The note includes names, locations, and details about shitty stacies and childish chads. I don't want an Army, I just want you guys to enjoy a story!
>what to include for your personal enjoyment?
What do you guys want to hear about? Currently talking about my oneitis who has kept me going, my pity friend who I found out is only my friend because his mother told him to, and story since Senior year. Anything else?
>anything you want to learn right now
I fucking hate the term, but AMA? Willing to give some info other than details since details are going to all be in final essay.
Meanwhile, sharing some funny pictures and google searches.
Also!
>how to make a name for myself on the board without being a tripfag?
"drunk" fucked up not "i'm emoooo" fucked up
>crunked
origami cumonmommies
Will respond to dubs...
Tell about the internal struggle. We all know the stories about chads and Stacie's but what brought you to robotdom? Intrusive thoughts?mextreme anxiety? Uncureable depression? Repressed sexuality? Describe the abstract internal struggle within yourself...
>>27276910
I have had severe suicidal thoughts since fourth and fifth grade.
In fourth grade, I had a dream that a girl at my school who was paralyzed from the waste down could suddenly walk again. We were together in the dream playing flag football. I told her "I'm so happy you can walk again! It is a mircale!"
When I woke up, my mom asked me about her and if I knew her and I told her that she was very nice to me, but I never really talked to her. She then told me she died that night I had the dream.
In fifth grade three high schools in our small country town hung themselves in a suicide pact, and I would spend many nights thinking about suicide
(cont. for bump.)
>>27276855
Talk about the stacies
>>27276855
You can make a blog. They're easy to set up, takes like 5 minutes, and you can write all the shit you want.
Hey OP have you heard about the effects of light on health, and how you can mitigate the effects of winter with certain spectrums of artificial light?
http://www.functionalps.com/blog/2011/09/30/light-is-right/
>>27276910
One night, I was randomly up working on a project for my class at like two in the morning and my mom was up taking care of me. She asked if I had ever thought about hurting myself and I told her that I think about killing myself almost all of the time.
Since then, I've been in constant spirals and peaks. It's been mania since about Junior year. Then was when I reached stability.
My anxiety is really bad. I've been a shut-in since the beginning of my Senior year.
Now, as a nearly completed A.A.S at college, I take as many classes as possible as late at night as possible so I can avoid as many people as possible.
I spend about 16 hours a day in my room, if not more. It's a figurative shot in the dark.
>>27276965
I will respond in a second.
(cont. for bump)
Hey OP, along with a suicide note, can you record a video monologue in your car like Elliot did? I think it'd be amazing to hear a dying monologue from a robot, they're pretty much nonexistent as far as I know. Elliot's was the only one I've ever seen, and he never even went on /v/.
I will say though that if Kent ever snaps, he'll end up as the first robot to have a pre-suicide video monologue. https://youtu.be/34dmCZ3r1jc
>>27277053
Fuck, I meant to say "he never went on /r9k/", not /v/. I've been reading too much vidya thread lately.
>>27276961
Bump
Original comment desu
>>27277012
I do not want a blog. I do not want things streaming in. I want one big bang (haha).
>>27277014
Light actually really fucks me up. I get horrible migraines and I get extremely bitter.
>>27276965
The stacies honestly are just shitty to the people around me. I write about it, but this one stacy basically told this guy "I would not get into a hot tub with you because of how your face looks" even though he is a clean human being.
This same stacy tried to start shit with me before we graduated high school IN ONE OF MY CLASSES, so I called her a whore and basically yelled about her fucking a few guys and proving how I knew (she had a heart to heart with me and a few other people when she wasn't a stacy freshman year of HS).
Long story short, I spread pics. She was still popular though. I got left alone by everybody.
>>27277053
I was thinking about live streaming the suicide.
I wanted to put my cam somewhere my parents wouldn't see it, keep the stream on, turn my eyefinity off and do it so you guys could see the aftermath and everything.
>>27277092
Going to elaborate on the Stacy story real fast.
>stacy fucks army buddy
>trashes military in discussion
>army buddy gets pissed
>gives me and buds cams
>holds on for safe keeping
>be smart, be browsing /b/ at like 13, know my shit
The rest is history.
She goes to a HUGE name college now. I can't give it out, and I won't answer if right, but think HUGE but ANYBODY can get in since studying for required tests is put into a fucking handbook
>>27277114
That's a great idea, the only issue is you'd be depending on other people to reupload your suicide video (and it'd likely only be watchable on youtube.) I just really want to see a robot give a video monologue with text like pic related, but in much more detail.
>>27277092
What kind of light? Most forms of indoor lighting and in particular light from electronic devices is stress inducing (blue), the sun is a relatively even balance (red/blue), and there are devices that make mostly red or infrared, which is the best for depression.
If you react badly to the sun, you probably have a major vitamin A deficiency. Do you find yourself bothered by glare or squinting, even on days where it's not ridiculously sunny?
>>27277092
Are you retarded? You can literally make the final post in the blog, instead of putting one by one.
>>27277203
I can do a monologue AND a livestream.
And honestly, I can probably program my software to record and upload straight to the webz.
>>27277218
I cannot stand the sun. I have tried going hiking, but I just get headaches, no matter how much water I drink or how much food I eat.
>>27277092
>>I get horrible migraines and I get extremely bitter.
I get migraines, sick feelings and fatigue.
Been suicidal since I was 12, is it related?
>>27277224
I'm sorry. I was confused.
I've been confused all day.
Where would a blogpost like that get the most views, especially for /r9k/?
>>27277261
It could be, I'm not entirely sure.
Whenever I'm in chroinc-anything, I get very low.
I also have a shitty diet
>ramen
>ramen
>ramen
>occasional real food
Anything else makes me feel sick because of the sun and migraines.
>>27277250
>I can do a monologue AND a livestream.
Fuck yes, thank you based robot. I just really want someone to come out with a genuine robot monologue of how shit life is for non-Chad males. Elliot's vids were good but he focused too narrowly on "girls don't like me", missing the bigger picture, which is basically pick related - society and women both treat non-Chad males like absolute utter trash their entire lives, then wonder why we so many of us kill ourselves and other people.
>>27277250
>>27277261
The sun powerfully activates synthesis of the protective steroids, and if you lack the nutrients to do this sunlight can cause a lot of issues. Nutrient imbalance of many kinds causes depression too, so it's not surprising they often occur together. I thought I had 'seasonal affective disorder' for a while because my lifelong depression was always worse in winter, but I later realized that if I added red light and nutrients like vitamin A, I could mitigate those bad effects.
I can tell if I have taken enough vitamin A lately if I can go outside when it's sunny and not be annoyed by the glare or just feel shitty. Once my reserves are down I'm squinting even on cloudy days and it feels tiring being out.
>>27277330
Sex has never appealed to me.
I fully agree that Chads get so much more attention than non-Chads.
There was this guy in my class that was literally dumb as a fucking rock. His basketball coach knew he did drugs and drank like crazy
>see "crunked"
and because he was a chad he got off all the time.
Then one kid was rumoured to have smoked a cigarette behind the school and homie was expelled.
>>27277373
My old therapist told me to invest in a "light box". What are those?
My mom always said she never knew where to find one and that our insurance could never cover it.
>>27277300
Do a livestream, first of all. Get everyone hyped up for it. Tell everyone you'll release all info a few minutes before killing yourself. Release the post with EVERYTHING on it. Then, wait a few minutes, and then give your final speech before ending it, and we'll see you on the other side. I would join you, but I'm too pussy.
On a more serious note; anon, I wouldn't kill myself, if I was you, mainly because I have a fear of what may be after this world, what lies on the other side- which may be nothingness, which is of course, much worse than what's going on right now in your life. There's many things you can still do in this world, so I wouldn't suggest just dying off like that.
I'm not a recruit or anything, but if I were in your position, I'd join the army, dude. At least afterwards, you'd have a reason for killing yourself. (A good reason)
>>27277437
Not trying to be a hippie, but if I could open the void, that would be what I would do.
I've always lived in fear of killing myself in the knowledge that "God" may rid me into hell for my actions as suicide is the worst sin, but now that I've realized there is no God since no God would do this kind of thing to so many people, I am no longer afraid of dying, even if an endless void of nothingness is on the other side.
The other day I was on here and I read about a TEN YEAR OLD GIRL who hung herself because the voices wouldn't stop.
What "loving God" would do that?
Nothingness is a gift, anon.
Don't be afraid of death. Free yourself from this shitfest that "God" gave us.
>how to make a name for myself on the board without being a tripfag?
Literally fucking kill yourself.
>>27277437
http://facesofsuicide.com/showpage.php?x=A0474242-4F2C-4580-8265-978B8FA4971C
Look at this.
You can look up her name, too, and learn all about her.
She was ten when she hung herself.
>>27277418
A light box is a highly concentrated blue spectrum lamp, that you sit in front of for 10-30 minutes a day. Basically it's like a stimulant to the body, so if you're in a funk it can help you overcome your desire to lie around all the day and do nothing. The problem is like with other stimulants like caffeine or amphetamines, it's pumping you up but without fixing the problem. It's the usual blunt force mainstream medicine approach, I had one years ago and it did wake me up, but it's more a stress response energy than a grounded, healthy one.
Red has more of a healing effect, provided you're intaking the energy and nutrients you need. Camp fires for example, are almost entirely red light, and we humans seem to be attracted to lights that have that warmth. Blue also inhibits melatonin which helps you sleep, which is why using screens at night makes you feel like not going to bed even though you're actually tired. Red is very good for sleep.
>>27277531
>What "loving God" would do that?
Understand god is always testing humanity. Only a trained insane mind capable of infinite imagination could comprehend his will.
That 10 year old was the chapter of another life.
OP here.
Getting off for the night.
I'll make the follow up thread tomorrow.
Look up Taylor Zaeske on Google Search.
It should be the first thing that comes up.
>>27277665
Make it earlier around 10pm
>>27277665
Godspeed robro, I'll be checking tomorrow night.
>>27277531
Here's a quote from my favorite movie.
You see, Doctor, God didn't kill that little girl. Fate didn't butcher her and destiny didn't feed her to those dogs. If God saw what any of us did that night he didn't seem to mind. From then on I knew... God doesn't make the world this way. We do.
Take that quote as you may- just remember, what you're living through is temporary. You can change it at any time- and it really ain't that hard.
>>27276855
I wish you luck OP, there's not much reason to stay here on this shitty planet. We'll probably overflow in 20 or 30 years anyways at the rate people are giving birth. Hope I an hero before that hits as well. Godspeed robro.
>>27276855>>how to make a name for myself on the board without being a tripfag?
Thisis a good question.
You'll find something to cling to
I've planned suicide several times. Detailed plans. Plans that couldn't fail. I always found something dumb to live for before the date arrived.
I think the plans just take pressure off of me. Saying "I'm going to kill myself anyway" is an easy way to worry about things less
