Why us? Why me? Why are we the ones that dont deserve to be happy, that deserve to live and die alone?
Don't get me wrong, I haven't given up. Of course I've made mistakes, and it is undeniable that some of the misery I bear is only my fault, but so many things have been out of my control.
>be me
>born to somewhat well off parents
>they've both had their hardships, but they're still somewhat normal
>brother is born
>brother is autistic and cant speak or communicate
>have to constantly move to find somewhere remotely decent for my brother, no long term friends or connections
>still, i do my best to cope
>move to america
>dont understand a word of the language, or anything about the country
>singled out by so called "liberals" because im different, but not some part of a coddled ethnicity
>no friends, generally disliked, brother gets worse
>hitting himself, attacking me and my mother (at one point her arm was covered in scabs and scars), neither she nor I get any sleep by this point (middle school)
>barely ever see my father, always on business trips
>I get to middle school, the bullying gets worse than ever, brother becomes more violent
>considering suicide by this point
>force myself through it, only for the sake of my mother
Continued
part 2
>go to high school, maybe a clean slate
>freshman year is a little rough, push through it, try to get more friends, cling to life
>some success, my friends were pretty cringy but i dont care, it was better than nothing
>use humour to become somewhat popular, decent amount of friends but no best friends
>meet girl i like at fencing (pretty autist sport i know, wasnt so autistic where i came from), really cute, easily a 7.5/10
>lets call her taekwondo (inside joke)
>noone has ever been nicer to me. of course i fall for her.
>its possible she might actually like me back
>brother, who had gotten better, suddenly relaspes.
>He's a lot bigger now, so my mom needs help holding him in his tantrums.
>mom snaps at me often and so do i, but i still love her with all my heart
>of course this fucks me up pretty bad, still have friends but start to grow more distant, even from taekwondo
>again, i push through and start to recover
>hate being a skinny weakling, so go to gym, start doing track on top of fencing
>actually getting pretty fit
>I feel like my chances with taekwondo are better than ever.
>work up the courage to ask her out for prom (we go to different schools but idgaf, she's the only one i care about)
>find out she got a boyfriend a month after my relapse into depression
>already asked out to prom
>humiliate myself through text, she probably hates me now
>saw her again but i tried to avoid her, i think she was doing the same.
>the only girl ever cared for me, and the only one i ever wanted, belongs to someone else now.
>not even a chad, too
>now i doubt whether she ever even liked me at all, or was simply being nice
>i cant even cry, no tears come, i feel deader inside than i ever have before
part 3
>didnt get into the university my father wanted
>only got into some ok public school (i went to a high achieving high school, so it was pretty trash comparatively)
>no majors interest me
>all i want to do is join the army from my native land
>they'll find a place for me there, and if i have nothing to live for, ill have something to live for
>family will hate me though, my mother will be heartbroken
>its the only thing i have left. i need purpose and discipline or ill just wallow in self pity for the rest of my life.
I'm almost certainly leaving things out, but thats the gist of my life. I'm not the worst off person on earth, but I still dont want to live. I'm more lost and alone than i've ever been before.
All i have to say is: why must I be sad when others can be happy? I don't want to make them unhappy, i'm no psychopath. All i wanted was a place in the sun, but fate has kept me in darkness all my life.
All i can hope now is that my grief and despair can maybe serve others. If i'm out there fighting, someone who has a chance at a happy life wont have to risk their lives. I can protect them and make sure as few people as possible face emotions like mine.
Maybe i'll even be successful, make a difference in the world. It's better than nothing, but all i wanted was to feel joy, warmth, to have someone to whisper to me that they love me. Guess that was just never meant to be.
Sorry for the long post, but i needed to get it off my chest. I dont want therapy, to bother my friends, or to worry my parents (inb4 ban im 18), nor have i ever turned to others for help. Even if noone reads this, ill still feel better.
>>27184753
Where are you originally from onichan?
>>27185527
france, originally. Not exactly a shithole, but i lived in a lower middle class area.
>>27184797
>only got into some ok public school (i went to a high achieving high school, so it was pretty trash comparatively)
I know the feeling. All of my friends went to prestigious schools, and I only got into low tier ones. I'm still bitter about it.
>>27185690
fucking faculty and legacy are the worst man. so many of them wouldnt even have got to a university half as good without it
>>27185750
One of my friends had some help from AA (which I have no problem with)but the rest made it in on their own. I'm just angry that I can't achieve similar levels of success.
>>27184753
Yeah op, iktf too, my family moved to le us 1.5 yrs ago, i still haven't made any friends, cutoff contact with the few people iknew from my motherland. I'm also experincing the same with low-tier community college compared to the other schools that i went to, but it's meh, the way that i cope with this is by developing a state of indifference...
>>27186222
For your own sake, dont get a sense of indifference. that was the straw that broke the camel's back for me. Maybe, if i hadnt given up in middle school, i would've had a chance at being happy. Happyness wasn't handed to me on a silver platter, but if i had fought harder i could've made it.
Here's my advice: be hard on yourself. Don't give up. Push yourself to do better. You're weak? Go to the gym. You have no friends? Get some hobbies, go to clubs, talk to people. You have bad grades? Work your ass off.
I learned much too late that I could do something about my life. If i had done that earlier, i could've maybe pulled it all back. I know motivational talk isnt very popular on this board, but noone is hopeless, unless you're actually diagnosed with a bad mental illness, you can always fight your terrible luck.
>>27186403
Thanks man,
I hope all goes well for you bro.
>>27186403
Not OP, but how old are you, anon? When did it become too late?
