Spent the last 20 minutes just yelling and screaming at myself, alone, in my house, as a 31 year old fucking man.
A 31 year old human animal monkey, yelling at itself because it cannot logically comprehend why it is in constant, non-stop psychological pain.
A 31 year old failure of a human being spending $1.5 million dollars of other people's money each year making $17.59 an hour, owner of their very own little house and car - both of which are bound to the same inexorable tide of entropy this 31 year old human animal is.
I would lay down and rot but my impotent, meaningless rage stopped me for some reason. The same meaninglessness behind the concept of this fucking insignificant post, every infinitely divisible moment of consisting of concentrated absolute fucking meaninglessness.
No Doctor, I'm not having a fucking existential crisis, I'M JUST NOT CURRENTLY ABLE TO ENGAGE MY NORMAL HUMAN ANIMAL WILLFUL DELUSION RIGHT NOW DOCTOR, THANK YOU THERE IS NO NEED TO TAKE AWAY MY HUMAN ANIMAL RIGHTS.
Have no friends.
Family is long gone.
Can't call 911.
Make a post on a message board - that'll help. There's that six figures of college education coming into play. Real smart. Very smart. This will make a difference.
I'll just sit here and wait, and surely the problem will fix itself.
I've been suicidal before. This isn't suicide. I was a few hours ago. But this now is just the edge of somekind of mania or something. I don't fucking know. I'm not sure whether to rage or cry. Or both. No reason at all. I wish I knew. I wish I could logically explain why this is happening and offer some kind of reasonable, logical, empirical explanation for it. I would if I could, I fucking swear.
just b urself lmao
>>27095649
Yep you've officially lost it anon. Check in to the psych ward, you're done in normal society
>>27095649
Life sucks man find a hobby or something.
>>27095674
>Check in to the psych ward
NO GOING BACK FROM THERE
>>27095649
>$1.5 million dollars
How do you spend that much a year nigga?
>>27095700
Buy insurance
>>27095709
You're paying 1.5 mil in insurance per year? What the hell are you insuring?
>>27095649
I'm 31 too
Except I can't find a job
It's pretty sad.
>>27095746
>What the hell are you insuring?
$600 million dollars in property and some other shit.
Go down to mexico and pick a fight with a drug cartel. Either die in a blaze of glory or become a new Mexican folk hero. Dufe you could become the 21st century pancho villa banging a different latina every night but you just mope around here, Mexico is truely the land of oppurtunity
>>27095649
This is the stage of sound and fury.
Anything left at this point that doesn't bother you?
I can't ask what you like, that's a trick question, a loaded question.
Sometimes you have to ask what don't feel like you don't like so much, instead of what you do like.
>>27095875
>Anything left at this point that doesn't bother you?
Sleep would be nice but I don't have any good sedatives so I just took a bunch of painkillers. Not some stupid tryhard suicidal amount, a fucking normal amount. Because I want to fucking sleep in the tiny slim chance that when I wake up after a normal amount of time I will be a normal fucking human being animal in the morning that can engage in normal coping mechanisms to avoid INTENSE GODDAMNED FUCKING PSYCHOLOGICAL PAIN AND MISERY AT EVERY MOMENT OF EVERY DAY EVERY TIME SOMETHING GOES THE SLIGHTEST BIT WRONG, AND EVEN THEN SOMETIMES FOR ABSOLUTELY ZERO LOGICAL REASON WHATSOEVER
>>27095875
>Sometimes you have to ask what don't feel like you don't like so much
I don't like people. I don't think I've ever met a person I wholly enjoyed 100%. Of course the foremost person on that list of people to hate is my fucking self since it seems like every time I turn around, I am flagellating myself with the guilt and shame and regret of every bad decision I have ever fucking made in life.
AND IT WOULDN'T EVEN BE THAT BAD IF IT HAPPENED FOR LOGICAL REASONS, BUT IT FUCKING DOESN'T.
It happens. Constantly. I can't fucking escape it. It's like [YOU ARE NOW BREATHING MANUALLY]. The slightest lapse in delusion makes me conscious of it. It is there. Forever. Until I die, and for all intents and purposes likely after that. The slim chance I'm hoping on is that it isn't there after I die.
I'd love to try the drugs before I try calming my brain with a fucking bullet, but for fuck's sake why why WHY does this have to happen ALL THE TIME?
You're not alone OP.
I made this on a roadtrip last week. Just parked on the side of the road for a while screaming.
http://vocaroo.com/i/s1FhpHWCofCq
>>27096026
>The slightest lapse in delusion makes me conscious of it
Ahh the curse of the Devil's advocate.
Nary a thought gets past him without you atomizing it with negative thought, and having it lace every decision thereafter with misery and aggression. Sometimes just plain paranoia.
I too am slave to my own thoughts and processes, I hope more than anything that the absolute lack of everything is what waits in death.
Not an afterlife. An afterlife would permit me regret and time. An eternity to feel just as bad as I did while I lived. Worse still is to come back to earth again.
Who knows why things happen like they do. You're more admirable than me for dealing with it. Call me a cur, but i'm opting out in the most efficient secretive way in my ability, first chance I get.
I need the rest, I want to retire my consciousness.
OP, what you are going through sound excruciatingly painful. What I think it is is a stress induced nervous breakdown. I wish I could give you a hug or just stand by you when you go through it, because it's hard to experience alone. Unfortunately, most mental breakdowns are experienced in isolation because people are scared of watching someone in that kind of pain or anger. And the breakdowns tend to happen to people who already have stresses like being isolated which is a stress itself.
I hope maybe this video will help since I always liked her advice, maybe you might too.:
http://youtu.be/k8NWh1JtuIc
You can come back from this expireicne. You can get better. At least that what I think.
>>27096138
>Nary a thought gets past him without you atomizing it with negative thought
This, yes. It's practically what I do for a living. I explain to people the ten thousand different ways shit can go wrong and advise them on how to buy insurance against it.
But the fucking stigmata that comes with it (and not it the job, it the ability to perceive fault) was old over a decade ago. I'm tired of it, so very fucking tired. Tired of every time I endure a new patch of guilt or regret, no matter how small, the SUM OF ALL GUILT AND REGRET OF MY LIFETIME decides to show up to the party.
I am logical. I am capable of reason and logic. Logically, one cannot change the past, and wishing to do so is pointless and thus should be disregarded emotionally.
BUT LOGICALLY KNOWING THIS, EVEN EMBRACING IT AS TRUTH UTTERLY, DOES NOT STOP THE FEELING FROM OCCURRING AND CAUSING STIGMA.
It's like needing a fucking amputation. I want to amputate myself from emotion. The drugs do this? I don't know, I've never tried antidepressants. I fear they would change me, cloud my judgement, or turn me into something much worse - something I can't control. Anger and hatred are my old friends. Got me through many things. Got me through everything. Anger makes you feel alive, in control. Rage gives you power and energy when there is nothing left to burn but bone and your veins are pumping battery acid.
Staying angry keeps me in control. If I numb my emotion, I will dull my anger. It's hard enough to summon sometimes - takes effort sometimes. But it's there. I used it, just now, to stop myself. But with the drugs? Not so certain I could. Like trying to will yourself to have a hard-on, but when you're taking Testosterone blockers. All the concentration in the world aint going to help that shit.
Why dont you write? You got a nice style.
>>27095649
Zero Innuendo Mr.Nobody take care, why'd you remove me on steam?
>>27096296
>Unfortunately, most mental breakdowns are experienced in isolation because
I have lived alone for 10 years and had my own place since I was 21.
>because
And the reason people, LOGICAL, THINKING, HUMAN ANIMALS, have mental breakdowns in isolation is so the fucking white coats don't come to yank them off the street and put them under a fucking involuntary mental hold while they perform the process of stripping them of whatever societal rights they may have formerly possessed.
BECAUSE THAT IS MENTAL HEALTH IN THE YEAR 2016.
GOD DAMN WE ARE SO FUCKING HUMAN AND ADVANCED IN THE CURRENT YEAR.
LIKE THE FUCKING DARK AGES, PLEASE JUST LOBOTOMIZE ME WITH A RUSTY SPOON - IT MAY BE LESS PAINFUL THAN HAVING TO GO THROUGH LIFE WITH LESS RIGHTS THAN A FUCKING FELON.
>>27096350
>Why dont you write? You got a nice style.
I used to be an Adjunct English Professor. That's what my degrees (LOLOLOLOLO, BECAUSE THEY'RE A JOKE) were for. I taught remedial English for 2 years and I made an income that was literally poverty line doing it. It was untenable long term. Besides, who reads in 2016? Nothing besides what meaningless blurb drivel pops up on their iDistraction.
>>27096377
>Zero Innuendo Mr.Nobody
My steam name is CitizenKane, but I forget what my actual ID is and it wouldn'tmatterbecauseidon'thaveanyfuckingsteamfriendsdespitehavingbeenonsteamsomethinglike12years.
>>27096451
kill me take me with you
do it
fucking do it
its time
>>27096451
Yeah life is a bitch. Do you think you will be able to overcome this?
>>27096336
>BUT LOGICALLY KNOWING THIS, EVEN EMBRACING IT AS TRUTH UTTERLY, DOES NOT STOP THE FEELING FROM OCCURRING AND CAUSING STIGMA.
>It's like needing a fucking amputation. I want to amputate myself from emotion
This same string of logic. Something I wrestle with a lot, I also ask myself it in the same vein one wonders if a crazy person can know he is crazy.
It's a loop of thinking that this devil that lives in our mind creates, and he pays no rent.
My personal solution is to amputate myself from agency, call me a quitter but that's my dice.
I don't drink or do any drugs. I've basically cut myself off from all entertainment and interaction besides here.
And no one would be to blame if they were to say that it was a poor decision, that this place is poison.
But I think other forms of external stimuli are worse still, distracting, and in none of the good ways.
I don't want to change the intrinsic nature of my mind because my logic and thoughts would then be artificial products of influences alien to me.
I try not to hinge to much on anger and hatred, but I sometimes use it to anchor my will to die should my spirit try to break, or in my case mend itsself and believe it can survive. I won't allow it. My spirit may wish to survive but my mind does not. My spirit only feels. It doesn't think as my mind does, and I'm going to side with that party smart enough to win.
I get what you mean. Rage can blind people and muddy their decisions, but only if it is involuntary.
I think a amicable amount of heightened emotion, even if it is rage or anger, can hone and sharpen your mind and keep it disciplined.
Nice fight club line by the way.
>>27096451
You're right. The mental health system can be scary like that at times. If you don't want to go to a doctor, then it may be wise that you didn't tell anyone about how you're feeling if you think might force you to go to one.
But I am glad to reached out here at least where people can offer help. You can always look for help in the form of watching videos, which isn't going to make you do anything you don't want to.
>>27096506
>kill me take me with you
MY RIGHT HAND WILL TAKE ME WHEN IT'S GOOD AND READY AND MY UNQUENCHABLE ANGER SAYS ITS NOT TIME, SO IT'S NOT TIME. DO YOUR OWN DIRTY WORK YOU FUCKING SCUM ANIMAL, THERE ARE PEOPLE TRYING TO BE REAL HUMAN BEINGS HERE.
THAT SELF-DETERMINATION IS ONE OF THE ONLY THINGS, MAYBE THE ONLY THING - TRUE IN THIS WORLD. God I love the idea of suicide. The idea to be free of guilt, remorse, consequence - everything.
>>27096512
>Do you think you will be able to overcome this?
"Overcome" as in see the sunrise tomorrow? Yeah.
"Overcome" as in cure myself? Been trying that for the last 6-7 years which is roughly where this all started, in grad school. No logical reason that it specifically started there, it just did. Like it does now. It just DOES. It simply IS.
>>27096550
>this place is poison
The internet is, yes. It's an ocean of wrongness. An ocean of things that shouldn't exist. It's horrifying in the classical sense. In the Frankenstein sense. To anyone with even a tinge of awareness, it lays bare the awful truth of the human animal. Utterly fucking disgusting and revolting. An amalgam of everything truly "awful" straight to the definition of the word.
>>27096550
>But I think other forms of external stimuli are worse still, distracting, and in none of the good ways.
About a month ago, I went camping, alone, to a WMA (Wildlife Preserve). It was the last bitterly cold day of winter we were going to get in the South and I wanted to be out there when I knew NO ONE in their right mind would go camping.
It got down to 27 degrees and my gear wasn't ready for it. Hours after sundown, I sat in the tent, covered in every article of clothing I'd brought, inside the sleeping bag, and was losing heat. I realized at that moment I had to get up and start the fire back up. For one single reason only: to live.
>>27096711
>>27096550
>But I think other forms of external stimuli are worse still, distracting and in none of the good ways
So I managed to get the fire going again and I stayed awake all night, literally all night, and did nothing but feed it wood and try to stay warm. Hours and hours, every few minutes, stirring, putting wood in, whatever
It was an existential problem
An actual existential problem
Physically felt like total shit when I got back. Mentally...something changed. Something profound. Made me understand completely that very few people in life will come face to face with an actual existential problem. Mine wasn't even that bad. Maybe I would have avoided the fatal stages of hypothermia, maybe not. But there was no question I'd be getting it if I hadn't have gotten up and started the fire back and kept it going all night
I tried to explain this story to other people. They said I was reckless. To an extent I was, and I knew I was. But maybe that was what I wanted to find. Part of me wanted to die. A bigger part of me wanted to prove me wrong. For what reason, I can't say. Pride? Hubris? That'd be the foremost trait of the human animal, hubris
I wish I could say that experience helps with the guilt and regret I feel. Not so much for some reason, although it has helped put many other things into perspective
>>27096608
I told a Doc in February of 2014 that I had depression. The next day I had a meeting with Feds interrogating me in my office because the Doc got spooked and thought I was going to kill someone. I have no desire to interact with mental health services any further. They're only interested in protecting themselves and their own liability. Even after it was over, the Doc plainly told me, "I had to protect myself if you hurt someone."
Thanks, Doc. Everyone at my office was real happy to see the party van outside. People who want to kill themselves are instant criminals as far as society is concerned. That's the lesson
>>27095649
This was beautifully written anon
>>27096711
Jesus fuck you are a waste of human life.
Stop to think what you are doing. On a shitty anime posting forum ranting to maybe 4 other guys just as inapt or even worse off than you are.
Does this bring you some sort of solace anon?
Turn all this anger and loathing and frustration into something else. Make it your fuel
>>27097091
>Jesus fuck you are a waste of human life.
KNEW THAT BEFORE YESTERDAY
>>27097091
>Stop to think what you are doing. On a shitty anime posting forum ranting to maybe 4 other guys just as inapt or even worse off than you are.
I ALSO KNEW WHAT I WAS DOING WHEN I WAS SCREAMING AT MYSELF FOR 20 MINUTES STRAIGHT, BUT THAT KNOWLEDGE DIDN'T CHANGE ANYTHING.
>>27097091
>Does this bring you some sort of solace anon?
No just like screaming all it did was just add to the sum of meaningless that is my life, and I use "sum" only as a placeholder here because it would imply there is something to be added to like some collection of unique thought or experience BECAUSE THERE IS NONE, SO IT WAS PRETTY MUCH ZERO PLUS ZERO EQUALS ZERO.
THAT'S WHY IT'S CALLED A ZERO SUM GAME.
>>27097091
>Turn all this anger and loathing and frustration into something else. Make it your fuel
THANK YOU DOCTOR I HAVE BEEN DOING THAT. I'LL TAKE MY DAILY DOSE OF PICCOLO DICK NOW
FUCKING PLEASE JUST LOBOTOMIZE ME INSTEAD.
>>27096871
>I told a Doc in February of 2014 that I had depression. The next day I had a meeting with Feds interrogating me in my office because the Doc got spooked and thought I was going to kill someone. I have no desire to interact with mental health services any further. They're only interested in protecting themselves and their own liability. Even after it was over, the Doc plainly told me, "I had to protect myself if you hurt someone."
I get this vibe too, like they don't give a fuck about you they just want to keep you under control and away from everyone.
>>27097091
nigger
originality
>>27096296
>http://youtu.be/k8NWh1JtuIc [Embed]
Just got done watching this. Some of it seems like practical straightforward advice. Some of it seems like wishful fucking thinking.
>"Find your fear and make tangible substantive steps to confront / defeat it"
>Lol ok
>Regret about rejection
>Fixing this involves finding acceptance
>Finding acceptance (creative acceptance, social friends, romance, intimacy or just casual - everything in between) involves being able to withstand rejection of varying degrees until you find it
>Even then you can always still be rejected after acceptance
>Get rejected
>HERE COMES THE REGRET TRAIN. REMEMBER THAT TIME 10 YEARS AGO THIS EXACT SAME THING HAPPENED AND HOW BAD YOU FELT? IT'S LIKE YOU HAVEN'T EVEN LEARNED HOW TO LIVE.
This is the simplest example I can come up with. And it goes for anything, like I said.
IE: create a piece of art, or a drawing, or song, or whatever. Put hours into it. People summarily dismiss it or outright dislike it. REV UP THOSE FEELS. NEVER MIND THAT YOU SHOULD UNDERSTAND BEFORE PRESENTING SUCH A THING THAT IT WILL BE JUDGED.
Relationship, same thing, except you're not putting a piece of yourself out there in a creative format, you're putting yourself-self out there to another person.
I believe it's because society has us caged like animals, only our confinement is capitalism and our entire existence been made to revolve around material wealth.
There's no real excitement to life anymore. So much monotony and predictability. Sure, we can take breaks from the system every now and then, those of us who are fortunate to do so...but we're fully aware of what awaits us upon our return.
It doesn't help that we're bombarded with advertisements virtually every second. If we aren't trying to be sold goods then someone is trying to sell us a lifestyle. They don't want us to be content with what we have and who we are, so they're constantly telling us what we have could be better and who we are isn't good enough.
There is no point to life, no objective goals. Some days I feel like I'd rather lose my mind than spend another day in this hell of banality.
Maybe you just need something dangerous and unpredictable.
you're gonna be alright, I promise. I know it sounds crazy and I hardly EVER reply to posts on here in fact this is only the second time. Reason being that sometimes I'll be reading something or talking with someone and ill just get a feeling and Its either gonna be okay for the person, or it isn't. I know it sounds crazy but I'm 28 now and so far I've never been wrong, anyway just hang on, and believe, you're going to be okay.
