who /constantlysuicidal/ here?
>tfw find no joy or meaning in life
>someone I love can go out of their way to try to do this big great wonderful thing for me to try to cheer me up
>feel nothing
>feel bad for feeling nothing
>all I can think about is self-harm and suicide
>attempted twice in 2015, hospitalized both times
>one of those times chickened out, the other time was caught
>feel sick to my stomach with sadness and loneliness all the time
>frequently having bouts of absolute hysteria screaming about how I deserve death
>my family hides all the sharp things now
anyone else feel such total dysphoria with life?
Do you cry often? Crying helps let out the emotions and calm down for a while. Then at that point you can try to distract yourself until you feel somewhat ok, then at that point start looking for solutions like finding a therapist maybe.
I don't know what to do about it tho bro, it's hard isn't it.
>>25428790
I do cry a lot. basically every night. if anything, I feel like if I get to the point of crying and letting things out, it only seems to escalate things. it's like trying to let just a tiny amount of water through a hole in a dam - it all comes flooding out, the pressure is too great. those are the times when I'm actually in danger of killing myself.
the worst part is that I know I oughtn't kill myself, that the way I feel is just a product of brain chemistry and possibly poor lifestyle, but I still can't seem to bring myself to do anything about it.
I even have a therapist. have for over a year. things have only gotten worse, I think.
>>25428890
Think about what is stopping you from killing yourself. There has to be at least one reason why you won't, or you would have. Then try to arrange your life as much as possible with your reason you want to live. Like, if it's because you don't want to leave your pets or something, try to spend as much time with them as possible. Maybe really putting all your energy on the reasons keeping you here will minimize the pain. Idk tho, it's hard to know what to do, but it's an idea.
>>25429024
if I kill myself, no one would feed my cats.
they're living outside since I moved back with my parents, as my mom's allergic. I wish I could just take them inside and snuggle them in my room. I feel like it would help a lot.
at the same time, I feel doubly retarded for only staying alive to feed a couple of cats.
>>25429138
It's not really that you are staying alive for your cats, it's that your staying alive for that feeling of a bond and companionship that currently is happening through being with your pet.
It's a bond that makes you feel good, who cares if it's a cat or a dog or a person, or what if it was a person who was disabled enough that they were mute, like a cat is? Wouldn't make any difference that is a connection.
Maybe you could make it your goal to take a step towards being in a situation where you could be with your pet when you wanted to. I think it might raise your mood to the point that you would be more happy and open around people, and that's when you start to find the same bond, but this time it will grow between you and people you can end up meeting.
Depression is very hard, but prioritizing your happiness and trying to go after it is possibly a way to change it.
>>25429138
Honestly tho, if you feel it might help I really highly recommend you at the very least try to make it happen, because what if it helps more than you expect.
Not nearly as bad as you have it but like two months ago after a break up I felt like I needed to GTFO of the stereotype and to take a break from all the people around. So I picked up a bag and went abroad without any plans. It helped a lot. I came back after 10 days and everything felt different.
Hang in there bro
>>25429297
>>25429335
you're right, I know you're right but somehow it doesn't feel hopeful enough. I always say I'll give it my best effort, and often times I do, and it's (obviously) never been quite enough.
I feel like I'm running out of options. for example, you say I should try to get a place where I can live with my cats inside. I've moved 17 times in the last 4 years and 2 months. everywhere I've gone, I've either lost a roommate and had to move, or been illegally kicked out by a seedy landlord, or it was where I was living with my one friend's family, and I just couldn't bear to bother them anymore.
my therapist's office has assigned me a case worker, who I get to meet with next week for the first time. ideally, this person will be like a state-hired personal organizer for my shitty life: they'll help me do paperwork for disability and state housing, keep my appointments organized, help me with household tasks like cleaning, getting groceries, etc. I'm not quite so retarded that I literally can't do any of these things, but with no motivation to move most days, it's going to be helpful to have someone there to keep me accountable.
>>25429398
not to downplay your sadness, but you had a breakup. it's a simple thing that happens to everyone. a breakup, even a divorce, has never really been a life-ending thing for most people.
I'm glad your trip helped you. I couldn't even start packing for it because I'd be anxious as hell thinking about everything that could go wrong, and then I'd think I was being a pussy and then I'd want to kill myself. check your mental health privilege normalfaggot
>>25429533
You know, I think you know what steps to take to get in a better position, but you don't have the energy to do them because you are pulled down by a huge amount of stress.
If you don't have the energy to do anything productive in a given day, see if you can notice yourself really bashing yourself and stressing over the fact that you aren't taking the steps that you feel you should. See if you are constantly shaming yourself for being to stressed to do things.
If you are, work on being ok with not doing anything to fix it. For the purpose that if you don't berate yourself the whole time when you are resting, that you will actually get genuine rest. I know it's much easier said then done. But if you don't feel up to doing something, maybe throwing off the anchor of shame for procrastinating will help you rise up to the task.
Consider, if you are feeling guilty for every second that you don't have energy to do someone thing and try to rest, that you aren't really resting, your kinda still stressing.
>>25429533
There was more to it I don't want to get into the detail. And it was not just it. I was simply pissed off by everyone and anything. I needed to get out and away from everything which sounds similar to your problem a bit. Not planning anything was the important thing about the trip. What made it interesting
Breaking the stereotype is what could help you. Take up a new hobby. Find a new job. Go on a vacation. Anything really
>>25428701
The fact that my family no longer trusts me and searches my room often for drugs, razors, rope, anhthing that i can use to numb myself or kill myself hurts more than the depression.
I posted it in another thread, but I'll post it here too.
>can't stop thinking about killing myself
>spend hours at a time only able to think about killing myself
>can't bring myself to actually do it because it would destroy my mom
>heard my dad muttering to himself about how much of an ungrateful piece of shit I am and how all I do is eat and jerk off
>sat in my room crying for a little over an hour trying to convince myself to finally do it
>>25429723
that's rough, Anon. do your parents know you struggle with a lot of depression?
mine do, and they still treat me like shit and shittalk me to my face. their favorite thing to do is to imply that I'm lazy and only making up these symptoms so I don't have to work. when I try to argue with them, they literally laugh in my face.
parents are really fucked up a lot of times, and it's no doubt their kids get fucked up from that and that's how we end up depressed. I think people should have to acquire and maintain a license to have and raise children.
>>25429702
I know that feel anon.
>tfw my parents took the handle off my door and put on a new one with a fake lock you can open with a screwdriver or a coin
>can't lock them away from me even if I really need isolation and to collect my thoughts
>they're constantly ragging on me for the state of my room
but no one asked them to come in, the fucking niggers. I know they're trying to help a little, but they're legitimately retarded if they think this is how to do it.
>>25429695
I've tried every hobby I could find, I can't hold down a job, and because of that I can't afford vacations.
you're still in my thread with your shitty normie life and I want you to leave. you don't know pain if you can bear to do the things you've said you've done, fag.
>>25429651
I honestly think you've hit the nail on the head right there. maybe that's the problem. I've been unemployed for about four months now, though, and I still find myself fretting over work both future and past. the only time I can truly reset and feel at peace is in the mental health unit, but they never let me stay there for long enough to recoup. it drives me insane that I can tell them to their faces I will attempt suicide again if they send me home and they do anyway - and then they're surprised when I'm back in two months?
depression has existed since the dawn of the sentience of man. even animals probably get depressed. why the FUCK isn't there a decent cure?
>>25429984
if you wanted to be dead then you'd actually be dead, but it looks like with your long dumb blog posts and constant suicide threats that you actually just want attention. enjoy your borderline personality disorder.
>>25430008
no one really asked for your pleb-tier normie opinions
if other robots can make fifty thousand unlimited >tfwnogf threads complete with multi-post greentexts, then I can take one thread to vent and try to find some answers.
why don't you go back to your trap threads or whatever you were doing back when you weren't talking to me? those were the best memories we've ever had.
>>25429984
>do your parents know you struggle with a lot of depression?
No, I've never told them and I don't think I ever will. I've never really talked about it seriously with someone before.
>>25430045
yeah you're definitely going to find some answers on a board famous for its population of NEET retards who don't want to change their lifestyles despite doing nothing but complaining about them constantly.
>>25430072
it could help if they knew. depends on how much they actually care about you, and I don't blame you for not really wanting to find out their reaction.
still, if they think you're just being a lazy asshole on purpose, they're gonna give you shit whereas if they think you're depressed they might be more encouraging. and that might help alleviate your depression a bit, too.
never even tried therapy? after the second time I was hospitalized they made appointments for me with a counselor and psychiatrist where I would have to pay the fee whether or not I went, so I just went. my first counselor was shitty but my new one is alright.
>>25429984
That's messed up that they won't let you stay in the mental health unit even if you tell them your not ready and you'll be back. See if there is any other type of alternative like it that will not eject you out of help prematurely.
But even if you can't find one, just try not to hold yourself accountable for more than you can realistically do. If you have not work, so be it. You are basically sick and I wouldn't hold it against you at all.
Parents on the other hand, they might shame and harass you when you are resting. That literally how you learned how to do it to yourself. But really, it is as mean as telling someone with a fever and flu, "get and and do xyz, why are you so lazy?". Be less hard on yourself than they are and taught you to be.
>>25430162
way easier said than done though, isn't it.
the only other option I know about that will get you help for a longer-term than the hospital mental health units would be a state mental hospital. I hear from other patients I've met that the care is horrible there, more like prison than anything. I'm scared of it.
then again, I was scared of the normal unit the first time I went. but it's such a nice place.
do you have a skype? you're really reasonable to chat with and I wouldn't mind keeping you around.
i'm in an odd situation, i've given up on myself, but 2 people have refused to give up on me, i don't want to be alive at all, but i can't put those 2 people through all that, after everything they have done. i don't have the energy to kill myself either, and if/when those 2 people give up on me and realize how pointless it is, i can finally exile myself and become homeless. i never used substances or anything, my biological parents just did drugs etc before i was born which contributes to my mental problems. i've tried forcing them to accept the fact that i'm a failure at everything but they somehow bs their way into thinking i somehow haven't fucked everything up i've ever attempted.
>>25430162
institutionalized/inpatient care is almost nonexistent today following a general 50-year dismantling/privatization programme, and because it's not that effective unless you're "total whackjob furiously jerking it to Guns and Ammo surrounded by piles of feces"-level nuts. (short version: we realized in the 70's that institutionalization was only effective for extremely disruptive disorders, so the US got rid of most institutions and replaced them with nothing.) in fact, most mental health care is virtually nonexistent--medicine uses doctor minutes per patient to measure engagement, mental health uses high double-digit undertreatment rates. you can imagine the sort of attentional triage that's really going on behind the trained personal warmth.
if you want a mental health care provider to actually be able to help you, you need to make it real clear for them to see what's going on, and you need to know what you're ready to change and sacrifice to make your problem go away. some of those things might be aspects of your life that are important to you, and you just have to deal. there's just no time for TV psychologist bullshit where the client coyly hides important stuff away or covertly resists attempted solutions. everything that happens up to the point where you're prepared to put all the cards on the table is the equivalent of prepping you for surgery, it has palliative effects at best. (not a clinician.) difficult to solve in practice is that people carry them around forever before taking action, and when they do, they fight you every step of the way, so you end up with the equivalent of people dying from sepsis because nobody gets their small fractures treated. the kind of person who becomes a clinician is either the kind of person who is fine with that because their heart bleeds gallons and gallons of blood a day, or who's too stupid to notice. the smart ones go industry or research.
>>25430211
even if you have fucked up everything you've ever attempted (unlikely - have you successfully combed your hair, washed dishes, made mac-n-cheese, or brushed your teeth lately?), that doesn't have to be the way it always is. but it does seem impossible and right now I'm feeling trapped the same as you are.
like the other anon said earlier in the thread, maybe try taking the thing keeping you alive, and making that your life for now. for you, that would be those two people who won't give up on you. if you can't find the strength to do anything else in your day, try to do one tiny thing that will make them happy or show them that their efforts aren't in vain.
it doesn't sound easy to me either, but it's a good idea for a place to start, I think.
>>25430207
Sure, I haven't used my Skype in ages, but if you ever want to talk more I'd be willing to get on there. What's your username?
>>25430250
i went to my welfare heatlhcare place, the "adult services" area (mental health) and they downplayed my entire situation despite me telling them i'm much worse in the head than i appear on the outside, i tried telling them in best detail as i could, because even i didn't understand and still don't fully understand everything in my head, and they just sorta passively talked to me pointlessly, tried a few different meds, then they told me i should go somewhere else to see a therapist. basically, telling me to fuck off. i seek help, only to be shunned by the system. completely dysfunctional adult, unable to work or go to school (solely because of my mental state) and they offer nothing to me.
>>25430293
[email protected]
email yours to this throwaway. or email me and I'll email you back, it doesn't matter.
Just do pic related and die a hero, or end up in prison a hero.
>>25430284
i meant like, things that take longer than 30 seconds. for example, high school, dropped out, had to refinish but failed at that and basically bought my highschool diploma...then i tried having a normal office job, anxiety got too bad, so i stopped, then i tried community college, just an independent workout class, and an intro to mental health class, failed both because of the anxiety, spent all my money from working on going because of high fuel costs and long distance, then i joined the army, failed at that, sent home before finishing basic even, then i tried HVAC job, failed, even went to school a semester at trade school, passed first semester barely because of poor attendance yet i had a high grade, dropped out of second semester literally second week even though i paid for it all already, then had a shitty mall job, failed that.
the list goes on, and on....i don't deserve food, or a home, i eat very little. i'm up late at night crying 6/7 nights a week for a solid 15 min, then i run out of tears. for years i tried helping myself on my own and when the mental healthcare system failed me, i just don't know what to do anymore...i'm going with one of those two people tomorrow to go clothes shopping with her for school, she was headed down the same path as me, but luckily, she's starting a special program in a regular highschool and going back to school after not attending for 2 years. sometimes i have no use for the other person, my dad, and that's when i feel the most shitty, because he pays for me to be alive right now
>>25430132
Even if I did tell them, nothing good will really come from it.
My mum would cry a lot before treating me like a 4 year old for the rest of my life, and my dad would just see it all as excuses.
Therapy is also expensive and I don't want them to pay for it, so nothing good will come from it.
>>25430317
Thanks. I sent you an email. Message me if you want to get anything off your chest or want another point of view on something. Good luck bro.
>>25430396
If you don't want to pay for a therapist, you could look up self help videos on YouTube, or read self help books. They are a lot cheaper (or free) and although they may not be enough, they have been very helpful to some people, so maybe they will to you too.
>>25430396
you can (and should) apply for medicaid through your state. it's a relatively simple process and after a couple months' wait you will have coverage. if you're 25 or under (in the US), you can still be covered under your parents' insurance.
if you are, you can find a place that accepts both insurances, and have them bill the insurance company first, then bill the remainder to medicaid. that's what I do. free therapy. (unfortunately doesn't cover all my meds but I still only pay about $15/month for all 6 of them.)
getting used to my mom treating me like I'm a ticking time bomb/explosive toddler has been kinda rough. I wish they didn't equate mental illness with literal retardation. my mom even has a degree in psychology, S.M.H.T.B.H.F.A.M.
>>25430384
I've been there, I really understand how shitty it feels. I dropped out of high school and two-year college myself. I've been fired from all of the seven jobs I've managed to get over the last two years because of my depression and anxiety.
just because there doesn't seem to be an end in sight, doesn't mean there won't be, one day. 60% of severe schizophrenics recover completely or at least to the point of being independent within their lifetimes. no one is depressed forever, unless you kill yourself I guess.
>>25430511
where are you now? did you overcome it?
>>25430543
no. I've been struggling and I can't lie about that. the last five years of my life have been absolute hell. I feel like I'm getting worse, but they do say it gets worse before it gets better.
I've only been getting real help for about a year now, therapy and meds together and all that. I think it does help, the therapy moreso than the meds. I'm nearly convinced that antidepressants are just various compounds of placebo and sugar or something, I've been on several at max doses and felt nothing or felt worse. but the second you give up hope and let yourself die, you release any chance of it getting better.
hypocritical of me to say all this shit. I try to live by it but it isn't easy, especially when you're so depressed you can barely move some days.
>>25430609
Sometimes I think it's hypocritical of me too to give advice on how to fix the same stuff I struggle with myself, but really it's still good to give the advice.
One, because if you are depressed or have been, you pretty much know what the other person is feeling like and how incredibly hard it is to "just be happy". So basically you know what doesn't work as a suggestion.
And two, you can still have very good advice but the thing is it's not easy to apply the advice. So the info/suggestion would help the other person, but it's like a think they have to work on. You can suggest the practices that work, but the person has to put them into action over time.
>>25430609
4 am, time to pass out...wish i could find a way to get a little hope
>>25430738
I think there's nothing wrong with good intentions, even if we maybe don't have the answer.
but if anyone really did have THE answer, they'd have made billions off of it by now.
so I guess we just get to cope.
thanks for the chat and advice, robros. this has helped keep me sane and preoccupied for tonight. I think I'll sleep soon as it's about 6am for me now.
sleep comfy, bots.
>>25430859
do you want to exchange skypes as well? I'm not much of an optimist but I'm an open ear when you need to vent and a decently stable rock if you need to lean.
>>25430863
Almost 7am for me and I'm getting tired too. Anyways glad to help you any everyone else here.
>>25430872
They probably left, just after posting goodbye, but I don't think it'd hurt to email your sykpe to the throwaway email in case they check it tomorrow
>>25430959
that is my throwaway, lol. probably should have put OP in the name line for ID purposes.
ah well, I'll see them again. night, friendo.
>>25430983
>>25430872
>>25430959
my skype name is zanzilfire
it takes me awhile to fall asleep, cried pretty hard today. tried taking my sister to the movie theater to see star wars but my anxiety was too bad, drove all the way to the theater and just turned around and came back. the worst part is she went to our mom's where she lives as well to get more clothes to stay another night with me, and i thought she'd be in there longer so i was crying, but then she saw me crying. stomach hurts more than usual, ate half a fortune cookie that i think went bad because the air got to it and a fruit snack, since usually the pain is from not eating enough
>>25431016
If your not eating well, see if improving your eating habits helps with your mood and stress. For me, one thing that always seems to get me feeling depressed and in a horrible mood is if my sleep schedule is messed up. (Actually I'm trying to fix it atm lol).
>>25428701
>>someone I love can go out of their way to try to do this big great wonderful thing for me to try to cheer me up
>>feel nothing
>>feel bad for feeling nothing
Worthless normalfag
Last time somebody even smiled at me was when I was being evicted so they could build a condo on my property
