Has anybody ever wanted to kill themselves, but couldn't because a part of you still believes life is somehow worth living? That's where I am right now.
So yeah, depression thread. How's everyone else holding up?
Ive been thinking about suicide for months now. Each day suicide is becoming more and more appealing solution to all my problems. So yeah i think ill do it sometime after new years
Literally all of your instincts are telling you to stay alive. You need to get over them for a swift suicide.
>>25224726
In which was is offing yourself a solution to anything? It doesn't solve a thing.
I think my sister is planning to kill herself soon. feels bad man.
>>25224826
Why don't you talk to her about it?
>>25224826
you gonna join her?
>>25224878
It wouldnt help. I think she has made her choice already.
>>25224910
Tell that to yourself, you could have prevented it.
>>25224822
It ends the pain. Or if you're like me, and you've dedicated a large portion of your life to a singular purpose, only to have your goals and aspirations burst into flames, it's because life itself ceases to have any greater purpose.
What's the point of getting up and putting in the effort to survive if, from your point of view, what's left can hardly be considered life at all?
I used to think I wanted to kill myself, that I was depressed, but I realized it doesnt work like that.
When you 'want to kill yourself' but dont do it for whatever reason (family, idk) you dont really want to kill yourself. If you were really suicidal, you'd do it. Dying is not that hard. Thinking you want tl kill yourself is just a mechanism to cope. The thought that you have nothing to lose anymore or the attention you might get, depends on the person.
>>25224567
That is where I am at too. My life keeps getting worse, I'll just wait it out. Eventually it will get to the point where I will do something about it.
>>25224904
Nah, not at least now. I was in the point few years ago where I decided to either off myself right there and then or stop feeling sorry for myself and start trying to get better no matter how much it hurts.
Sometimes I want to kill myself, but not only does it make you look cowardly, it also is fucking pointless. Your life doesn't get better when it ends, it just ends. I want to get better, not to cease existing.
So for now, and for the forseeable future, I just grit through the pain and hope someone kills me in a movie theater or I get stabbed by a serial killer so I don't have to have the shame of committing suicide. Maybe people will come to my funeral if someone else kills me.
>>25225010
Are you retarded enough to care what people think of you after death
I lost all desires and motivation. There is no future, just doom and gloom. Trying to be positive just ends up being negative.
>>25225010
Sometimes I hope for this to happen as well, but I'm far too afraid of pain, so I'd rather do it on my own terms rather than leave myself at the mercy of someone else.
This just happened to me
>be me
>18
>dropped out of hs cuz I couldn't do the work
>never had a job
>doubt I'm ever gonna hold a job because I'm forgetful, can barely concentrate on more than two things, and am so soicially retarded I straight up don't know how to talk to strangers
>applied for SSI a month ago because I'm also autistic
>was very dishonest with the person writing my appeal because I'm too uncomfortable sharing my depression and other problems with strangers
>get a SSI disapproval letter today
>sit in bed and cry because my life is going nowhere and I have nobody to blame but myself
on Christmas Eve too
>>25225075
I know this feel. Your life becomes a living parody of Sisyphus's boulder, only you have a choice whether or not to push. It's far less painful to sit at the bottom of the hill.
>perpetually unhappy while living
>so afraid of dying it hurts
what a blessing life is
>>25225199
We're all slaves to our respective natures. Possessing awareness of it is a good first step. It sounds to me like you have some form of ADHD and are socially deprived. I'd recommend getting a prescription for adderall if you can. It would certainly help you with at least one of your problems.
You all seem to have problems, which serve as a reason for thinking about suicide. Does anyone else have it good in life, but for whatever reason doesn't want to go on?
>>25224567
>Has anybody ever wanted to kill themselves
Yes, I think almost daily about hanging myself
> but couldn't because a part of you still believes life is somehow worth living?
Yes, I think it's survival instinct. Also I am very paranoid that if I take my own life I will reincarnate into a worse life.
>>25225443
>Also I am very paranoid that if I take my own life I will reincarnate into a worse life.
Holy shit, I thought I was the only one. Regaining consciousness in an objectively way worse situation would be hell. Also karma, I guess. Apart from that, there's also many ways to worsen the situation by attempting it. Example: messing up your hanging and ending up as a vegetable.
>>25225398
I'm in a similar position. I live in a first world country, come from a decent family, and was determined to be a successful scientist. But I'm a terrible student and a slow learner, my gpa is too low, and I've spent way too much time in CC. At this rate, I'll never qualify to transfer to a university. My family is ashamed. Questions have repetitively been raised about the quality of my mental health, and now even my peers are beginning to recognize me for the dysfunctional inferior piece of shit that I am.
I am driven by my ambitions. They are the only thing which are able to invoke any sort of emotional response out of me. Love? forget it. Sex? Don't desire it.
If my dreams die, I die too.
>>25225443
>Also I am very paranoid that if I take my own life I will reincarnate into a worse life.
Wow I never thought about this
>>25225603
Take adderall, my man
>>25224959
You've answered your own question. You said yourself you decided upon the purpose for your life.
You can change that decision any time. And not knowing exactly what is okay.
>Also I am very paranoid that if I take my own life I will reincarnate into a worse life.
In the past, I've found the notion of re-incarnation to be a comfortable uplifting view on death, but as I draw closer to taking that final step, I find that the idea is equally terrifying as the prospect of eternal nothingness.
>>25225710
But I've always known exactly what I want. The decision to pursue science lies at the very core of my being. To give it up would annihilate who I am as a person, to do it as a hobby would render myself a parody of what I could become.
My values simply do not allow for a second chance or alternative life style.
>>25225807
Then break down your larger, ultimate goal into smaller measurable, attainable goals, and put those goals to a timeline.
>>25225849
This is a logical way of resolving the issue. I will pursue this course of action. I suppose ending it all would just run completely counter to my goal in the first place. It's these damn emotions. When worse comes to worse I just seem to fall apart, crumble under the weight of adversity, until a part of me relishes the opportunity to finally hit rock bottom.
The other anons in this thread might be right. Maybe I am only considering suicide as a means of comforting myself. Thank you. I know it seems like you haven't done much, but your input has given me much to consider
>>25225966
The formula is simple. That doesn't mean it's easy. I struggle too. Sometimes I have to break my goals down so far as making a reason to get out of bed. But I do.
>>25226042
One step at a time. I like that. It fits well with my personality.
>>25224959
This is me anon, I understand exactly where you're coming from, it's just really blandly sad.
>>25226145
One other ideal helps me through. I was lucky enough to meet the Dalai Lama in person. My favorite quote of his was, "Do not worry. If there is nothing you can do to change it, why worry? If there -is- something you can do to change it, why worry?"
23yo and incompetent in every single area of life
>>25224567
I think about offing myself daily, but I am afraid of pre-death pain somewhat. I'd like a swift and painless solution. I bought an airgun, since where I live regular guns are hard to obtain. Will it do the trick?
>>25224567
I would kill myself if I didn't have a family. I don't have depression but I just don't see the point in living. Why even bother?
I want to die but I just can't find the will to. Nothing so far has pushed me so far as to choose to die. I'm only alive as a default position the position we all have no choice but to start with.
reporting in, wanted to kill myself for ages but was too pussy to, still am, as only a fraction of the attempts actually work out. now i just want to die in an 'accident' or completely disappear
>>25225443
But if you do reincarnate it wouldn't be you, you won't have any memory of your previous life and you wouldn't have awareness of what you used to have/be. This life now could be your reincarnation from a previous suicide
>all those guys who want to kill themselves but dont know how
>I have my helium tank ready to go whenever I want to
>I wish my dog was still alive
>I wish my mom wasn't schizophrenic
>I wish my dad wasn't a deadbeat alcoholic that we had to kick out when I was 16
>I wish my brother wasn't an angry pillhead
>I wish I had actual friends
>I wish I had good people to spend Christmas with>I wish I was happy :(
Somehow I still have a small glimmer of hope tucked away, and it's the only thing keeping me going. I'm afraid once it's gone, I would just lose it before I actually attempted to kill myself.
the only reason i havent killed myself is because guns are illegal in australia and i don't want my death to be painful (yes im that much of a pussy)
>>25228272
>not staying alive to fap to cuties
only thing that keeps me going is the hope that one day i can have irl friends as good as those i have on skype, and the fact i promised myself not to an hero before my dad dies.
waiting and hoping is suffering
>>25224826
>has a sibling that might kill themselves
>not talking to them or at least hanging out, playing games, watching movies, doing whatever the fuck to make them feel like they matter
>>25224567
I've been waiting for that better tomorrow for 12 years now.
>i-it c-can't rain all the t-time right?
>>25224567
I'm clinically depressed and deal with constant anxiety. My grandfather committed suicide and a parent deals with depression as well so I think there are some genetic chemical imbalances at play...
I used to swing back and forth between overcompensating with partying and suicidal-but-can't-do-it-so-i-sit-in-my-room-and-scream-in-my-head-and-fail-classes.
I had a few breakdowns and got on antidepressants. That helped me finally apply for a part time job (monthly freak outs always stopped me from completing applications).
That helped A LOT.
The structure and the reward of getting paid lessens the sensation of "I can't function how am I going to be an adult?" I lost the meds after a while but didn't really need them so much anymore.
Also got a bf and he's got different values than me (he values money/work ethic/self sufficiency whereas I respect raw intelligence even if the person lets it go to waste sitting in a basement their whole life) which pushes me to figure out what I want. It's a weird balance between doing things to please someone else for emotional reward and trying to further myself, if that makes sense? By being independent and having my own life I attract him more which has become a really positive cycle in my life. He also tends to lose attraction when I have break downs and somehow I've learned to recognize when one is coming and do what I need to do to get my shit together and push on with work/school/goals.
Basically get some structure in your life and get on meds. Real meds and/or self medicate with social rewards to get at those neurochemicals associated with motivation. Friends, bf/gf with a personality that pushes you.
it's just a matter of perspective. if you lower the standards that you have from life, you won't be as disappointed. I understand this is not what you want to hear being in such a vulnerable state, but contrary to what those jews in hollywood would have you believe, life is boring for everyone. On a day-to-day basis, there is nothing to do but sit, stand and walk. Not to say you won't be happy, you will, but there will be no fade to black followed by end credits thereafter, you just keep on living, to suffer more on some days and relive the happiness on others. there is no closure, shit just keeps going on. there was this cool quote that resonated with me from the movie john wick (don't knock my boy keanu feels). At his wife's funeral, keanu is looking for some reason when one of his friends says "There's no rhyme or reason to this life.
It's days like today scattered among the rest."
life might be worth living though, cause at least you have some control here. i have no idea what comes next and it scares the living shit out of me (i mean what if allah exists, that's someone i don't want to face).
Since it's not my place to tell you what to do though, all i can say is as you'll figure out whether or not life is worth living as you keep on living lul
>>25228612
>bf/gf
Fuck that man.
I will not turn my back on someone while standing on a cliff, so he can just kick me down into the abyss easily.
I have depression and anxiety and bulimia. Tbh I really hope the bulimia kills me before I kill myself.
What do you do when you don't enjoy anything anymore and have 0 meaningful human relationships in your life?
>>25224567
Look guys. We all have problems of our own. Even if ur life is "good" or u got lucky with where u were born into or ur just really not good at anything u will still have problems. U might think the severity of the problems come from ur surroundings but really, they come from you. Everything that happens around u is really UR FAULT. If ur too much a fuck up then u havent tried hard enough and ur taking the cowards way out. Unless u really hit rock bottom, dont kill urself. Yeah life is meaningless. THATS A GOOD THING. That means YOU have control of UR life. SO LIVE ON
>>25229551
You waste air and food for years to come until you finally snap and blow your brains out.
In the not-so distant past, I've always looked down upon the very thought of suicide, but that has drastically changed in the time span of past year to two.
I've grown painfully aware that I am simply born in the wrong world and in the wrong times and that naturally - there's nothing I can do about it because the same world is on a straight road into abyss.
Being a stubborn fuck I am, clinging to my ideals and perceptions has made me bitter and cynical and day by day my level of tolerance drops to a new point of low which leads me to further alienation from those I know and generally meet.
I know my family cares a great deal about me, hence I'd never actually commit suicide knowing it would bring despair to them. I might be many things but I never intend to be careless and selfish towards those least deserving of it.
>>25229627
That's the gayest thing I've ever read on r9k.
>>25229719
How is that? Telling people to stop letting their problems take them over and to control their own shit is gay? Sure dude i bet ur suicidal as well senpai
>>25229551
>What do you do when you don't enjoy anything anymore
This is impossible unless you literally cannot perceive dopamine. I think the issue is not that you don't enjoy anything, but that you won't let yourself enjoy anything.
>have 0 meaningful human relationships in your life?
I grew up with foster parents. They treated me well, but it was obvious from the get go that I was just another fixture in their home. I had no friends at school. No girlfriend either. I know these feels.
It's Christmas Eve and I just finished sitting alone outside, getting very high and sobbing. Why am I alone? My family went to dinner, and despite my dad trying to convince me to go, I declined. Why did I decline? It's Christmas Eve, and a few months ago I lost my best friend, my mom. In such a horrible, slow painful way. Seeing the way my mom suffered, absolutely destroyed my heart and my soul...what should have been a wonderful year has been one nightmare that won't end. I am so sad, so depressed. I got fired cause I couldn't concentrate at work. I'm barely passing graduate school. I do things I never thought I would. I cry often. It's Christmas eve, my mom and I's absolutely favorite holiday and I'm posting on 4chan crying for the past hour.
I'm sorry mom, I love you.
Sorry for the bitching post.
>>25230196
Call them and ask them to pick you up. Tell them you're sorry.
>>25230223
This. The fact that your father took the time to contact you means he still cares. The best thing you can do right now is cherish the family you have left.
>>25230223
>>25230259
I see all of my family every day. I have dinner with literally all of them everyday. I live with my dad, and my sisters come over to have dinner with us. I guess it's more...the fact that when we are all together, I start getting extremely sad because it become so apparent that my mom who was kind of the "homebase" of our family, is missing.
It's been a while since I've been alone, and I was hoping to use it to try to think over things and my life in general, but instead I just ended up breaking down.
>>25230368
There's no shame in that. Tell them that. It's okay to be sad about that.
>>25230420
Thanks, I felt kind of guilty now and was on the verge of telling them I would drive over there.
I just don't know how to deal with this death of my mom.
>>25230454
Who does?
>>25224567
No because I'm not suicidal, it just doesnt come to me, but my depression is there since I was 5 or 6 years old or so
I also have an extreme death anxiety.
Also no point in killing yourself, you're gonna die anyways.
>>25224726
I dont want to sound like a normie moralfag because that's not my intention, you should kill yourself if you want to, but my imput on the matter is that death is not the end of any problems.
Death is like unplugging a lamp, there's nothing after it, so you will not "avoid" your problems with it, because everything (you) ends.
Fix your problems now or dont, but dont think death means anything or is the solution to anything.
> have a major depressive episode a few months back
> couldn't work, couldn't go to school, on welfare
> finally get back on my feet but not completely
> return to work, not as healthy as before
> enter another depressive episode a few months later
> decide to drop uni as its part of the problem
> my parents are disappointed and cut financial support
> not getting enough hours at work to pay rent so stress more
> finally reach the point where I can't work (again)
> go in to give my big boss the note but he wants to talk to me
> "You have issues. I am extremely disappointed in you, extremely disappointed. In the way you conduct yourself at work and outside of work. I don't know the details of your issues but they seem self inflicted. Very disappointed, not that it matters"
To make matters worse my boss wants me to resign and the big boss is no longer on my side. I have to apply for disability.
>>25224966
>Thinking you want tl kill yourself is just a mechanism to cope
>>25224567
What's crackin homboys?
Yes' I have been there, my solution? God, my dog, my family and 3 pills per day
Here's something that's cheered me up the past couple of days.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TuJqUvBj4rE
>>25232191
The song is nice, the animation is rich and trippy. This is very relaxing. Thank you for sharing anon.
>>25224567
can you at leasr explain why you're sad? depression is like dying from an unidentifiable disease. once you id it, you can do something about it. have courage. courage is the ability to fight against a naturally occurring outcome usually negative. this is your chance to become stronger than ever. just think about it, if you can best your own mind at its lowest of lows, you can conquer anything!
>>25232191
Fuck man that was beautiful
>>25232243
You are welcome. The musician is Dan Deacon, I recommend his album Gliss Riffer (that's where the song comes from).
The theme of the song is a nice thought experiment I like to dwell on. I like to imagine that I am a reincarnation told "not to worry too much," because last time I did.
>>25232308
>>25232243
I also suggest Off the Air by Adult Swim. All of the episodes are on youtube.
They are sometimes beautiful, dark, trippy, or/and scary, but often interesting.
I was so sure I wanted to kill myself, the the gun in my mouth and I could not pull the fucking trigger, one of the most tense moments of my life,
Why couldn't I fucking do it FUCK
30, wizard, live with my mom, work 2 shitty jobs.
This year I've actually felt more confident than I have in a long time. I got promoted at work and I started dressing better. Actually had a few girls hit on me.
My fear is that it all might be too late. I'm trying to find my way into a better job but so far all I've had are rejections. Even if I did find a girl that liked me, once she finds out that I'm a virgin in my 30s it's all going to be over. If I felt the way I feel now 10, even 5 years ago I think I might have had a chance. If I can't transcend this situation I've put myself in, my plan is to go NEET for a while then kill myself sometime around 40.
Maybe the oasis is just over that next hill. It probably isn't but it might be.
I AM A HUMAN CIGARETTE
CONSTANTLY SUFFOCATING TO DEATH ON MY OWN MIASMA
ONE DAY THE WEIGHT OF MY ASHES WILL COLLAPSE MY VERY SELF
THE ONLY THING I CAN FEEL AS THE EMBER CLOSES IN IS REGRET
I started seeing a therapist. She thinks I've got anxiety with underlying depression. I think it's depression with underlying anxiety. Either way, the thought of suicide crosses my mind every now and then. Not really as something I'd follow through with, but as a possibility, however unlikely.
My suicidal thoughts have begun to emerge a bit again but nothing serious. A couple of months ago every waking moment was dreadful with the negative and suicidal thoughts. Admitted myself to a hospital and got new meds. They help. I'm not as suicidal anymore. However, I still have the feel shitty symptoms. Lethargic, unmotivated, don't really like anything, etc. Can anyone else relate?
I'm so fucking sad. I can't express it with words. Life is so fucking uncomfortable. Why is it so uncomfortable? People live every single day without feeling these things, but I cant.
I'm so fucking uncomfortable .
She doesn't fucking care about me anymore. She's moved onto trying to get with other guys and I don't know how I fucked up in the first place. This was my only chance at love/happiness and I've been thrown in a ditch. Fuck this existence
The only reason I haven't killed myself yet is because of my parents. They've been too good to me. If I kill myself whilst they're still alive, it'll fucking destroy them, my mum especially.
